Proud not to be 'normal'

Hi all,

There are lots of things these days that young people are expected to do. OK, so the first debate is whether I am still classed as a young person now I'm in my thirties, but that's a side issue for now. Yes it IS a side issue, no arguments.

With ever increasing apologies for the quality of the
images, this sums up quite well what this blog is about

This expectation is something I experienced when I was less old(!) and to an extent I still do today. OK, so now being older (but still young) I have learnt to not care as much and accept that I don't necessarily do the same things or act in the same way as what is perceived as the 'norm,' or, to put it more accurately, what is deemed socially inclusive. But sometimes if you enjoy doing things that most people don't, or perhaps more importantly, don't enjoy things that most people do, you get perceived as weird. This is especially true when you don't have the confidence to stand up for yourself and be comfortable in your own skin.

This all links closely with anxiety. If you have an anxiety condition, you're more likely not to want to, or, more precisely, be able to confirm with this social acceptance. Likewise, if you're someone who doesn't fit with this perceived acceptance, then you're more likely to have anxiety as a consequence of other people making you think it's wrong to like or not like certain things. As with most aspects of anxiety it's a vicious circle, and can in the end lead to crippling social anxiety which results in one fearing to basically interact socially at all and even panicking at the thoughts of it.

Why on earth should we be made to feel wrong or inadequate for liking/not liking certain things? I put up with this a lot especially at school and even at university and into my working life, taking the brunt of people judging me or asking me why I am the way I am, or why I don't do certain things. People don't consider backgrounds or circumstances that may be hidden to the naked eye. We're all guilty of it, but I loathe those people who decide to express it in what I think is effectively bullying. 'I like this, this and this, do you? 'Not really.' 'You don't? I can't believe you don't. It's great, you're just weird.' When this sort of conversation happens constantly for many years, you get fed up with meeting new people as you feel inadequate and, eventually, exhausted from feeling like you have to explain yourself! As you can tell, I am somewhat scarred from this experience!

Here are some examples of things most men my age or younger are expected to like (and when I say like, in many cases I actually mean 'do because it's the socially acceptable thing to do'):

- Going to the gym. Where would you like me to start with this? I fully understand that gym type exercises are good for fitness, of course. I don't doubt that for a second. I'm not adverse, at all, to the exercises and indeed may even be starting my own gym exercises to help my on-going back pain in the near future. But thoughts of actually doing this in a gym terrifies me. Why? Body image for one thing - I know being slim is, especially now I've hit 30, a great thing and these days I eat a lot of food. I don't put weight on, largely because I'm six foot four and have a rapid metabolism, but this sort of slim, gangly build is apparently not a turn on, so I'm told. The last thing I want to do is put myself alongside blokes who have muscles on their spit (one of my mum's sayings). There is also a culture about gyms which reflect the opposite of my personality; it's macho culture, I guess, and body shape aside, I am like this in no way. I swear most people (men) who go to the gym do so to "look good," rather than to get fit, but I could be wrong. Anyway, because I don't go to the gym, I have been cast aside from society and, apparently, the dating net. This is just my experience, I'm happy to be told I've just been unlucky. I have nothing against the gym at all, just against what it has become a symbol for.

- Driving. I may have talked about this before. If I say to someone that I don't drive, I am usually laughed at and asked why. I don't answer by saying "because when I had lessons many years ago, I underwent days of panic and anxiety before, during and after each lesson." I usually use the environmental reason. Which is also true. But nevertheless, I have been judged so many times about this it's untrue.

- Clubbing. I may have never mentioned on this blog site that I like trance music. Ergo, I enjoy clubbing. No. I do not enjoy clubbing. I would enjoy clubbing if I was in a club with no other people bar the DJ (and perhaps one or two friends), but why on earth would you want to cram yourself in with hundreds of other people in a drug and alcohol fuelled environment I don't know. Yet I'm always the one made to feel small by not enjoying it. 'Oh it's great, you just get into it.' Yes, that's the problem, I want to get out of it.

- I like trance music. That never goes down well either.

- 'Extreme' sports. Now, this one really pisses me off. By extreme, I mean things like sky-diving or white water rafting. But I also mean things like abseiling and even zip wire and Quasar (or laser quest as I'm reliably informed it's called nowadays). Now, these sorts of things blew my mind when I was younger - on the odd occasion I was forced into the milder 'extreme' sports for the purposes of 'character building,' I... well, you can imagine what happened with my anxiety. But again, this is another thing when I say I don't enjoy them, I get told I'm soft. Soft but alive, I think you'll find.

- Facebook - this is a bugbear of mine (you don't say) and actually fuels all of the aspects mentioned in this blog even more. At least Facebook didn't exist when I was at school and was embryonic at university, otherwise people's platforms to call me odd would have been multiplied many times. And these days, you HAVE to be on Facebook (and other social media platforms), otherwise you're deemed odd. Apart from my mental health focused Twitter accounts, I am absent from all forms of social media. "Oh my God, who are you?"

Then there are the things I DO do, or have been conditioned to do over the years as a consequence of anxiety, that people automatically consider odd. Going to places on my own, for a start, being forever single and being very routined to name three examples. The reality is, most of these sorts of things I wish I didn't have to do/be like, but for various reasons I do/am, largely to ensure I maintain health and wellbeing. But for anyone to take the mickey out of people for being a certain way or doing/not doing certain things is absurd, unless it's light-hearted in obvious jest of course. I have spent most of my life with people telling me that I'm sad, odd, weird, stupid or miserable for living a life that for many years has been dictated to me, and that now I'm just grateful to be able to 'live' at all.

This is all a trifle when you consider the poor people, especially youngsters who are perhaps being bullied, who end up conforming to peer pressure to 'fit in.' This can involve alcohol, drugs, sex etc and is unacceptable as we know - in the worst cases becoming criminal acts. But people seem to enjoy bullying (because that's what it is) others into doing these sorts of things for the thrill. Many young people suffer at their hands of their so-called 'friends' by jumping on the bandwagon for fear of losing their 'friends' because they won't take this pill or whatever, often with serious consequences. Even I used to have to pretend on occasion that I had an 'allergy to alcohol,' because when I had anxiety I knew that drinking more than a couple of pints was not advisable - I used to wake up in the middle of the night panicking. I was often made to feel very small for not conforming to their demands. I was just about old enough and experienced enough to hold my own, but many understandably are not. 

And social media (sorry to harp on) exacerbates this twenty times, because these bullies can target people all the time - there is no escape.

It's only been in the last couple of years that I have been comfortable enough in myself to not care when people pass comment at me for not liking/liking certain things. This is a combination of simply getting older and giving less of a sh*t generally, but also learning to take people's comments as a positive - as I wouldn't want to be like most people who pass such comments anyway. Do I wish certain things in my life were/had panned out differently? Of course. But ultimately I'm healthy, in a job I love, have my own house and most importantly have great friends around me, so screw you.

But this overall message of people being bullied by not conforming to the perceived norm is a serious problem and can cause and exacerbate mental health problems, especially anxiety and depression in young people. As we had into Mental Health Awareness Week 2018, perhaps we need to think about this and what it probably needs in many cases is people taking a good, hard look at themselves. And if you're oft a victim of these passing comments and peer pressure, tell them to sod off and embrace your personality. You're a far better person than they are.

Best wishes,
Al

I've Been Thinking...

Hi all,

I have been writing blogs for this website for nearly six years. That is a long, long time hey? I published a series of blogs last year to mark the fifth anniversary, 'Five Blogs of Thanks,' to emphasise what and who has helped me over that time, to go largely from an anxious mess into a less anxious mess.

What do you mean, the quality of
the images is getting worse?

Goodness knows what I'll do on the tenth anniversary. Organise a rave music themed orgy for all anxious people across the world, most probably. Keep an eye out for your invitation in early 2022.

Anyway, I have a friend (I know, write the front page) who has been with me on my anxiety journey (don't you hate people who use the word 'journey' in this context? I'm so sorry) my entire life. We met in 1991, when we were four, and I began to show anxiety symptoms in about 1997, although he probably didn't know about it until a few years after that.

Meantime, my friend has more recently been going through the clutches of OCD. I haven't focused too much on OCD on this site, largely due to the fact that I have never been officially diagnosed with OCD* and because my experience of it, albeit worthy of note, is nothing compared to what my friend has been through in recent years. My friend, being the fool that he is, sought advice from me, in terms of where to turn for help and what to expect from this help (i.e. how to identify if it is actually CBT you're getting!) - this was a few years back now. He has since made excellent progress and is in a much better place with it now, albeit, by his own admission, still with having plenty of work to do.

*I've never officially been diagnosed with anxiety either, but I don't need a weatherman to tell me when it's peeing down.**
**Line from Only Fools and Horses.

About a year ago, my friend came up with a sterling idea of raising awareness of our respective conditions. I said I already write my blogs, but he meant raising awareness together, as a pair, in the form of a conversation. I was intrigued and he explained to me about the idea of a recording a podcast and publishing it online so people could listen to us talk about our experiences with anxiety and OCD respectively.

I could see this working - some people prefer listening instead of reading for a start. Plus it would deal with two main mental health issues, not just one. But how would it work?

Well I'm here to tell you, ladies and gents, that recording a podcast is by no means glamorous. I believe our first recording was compiled using a microphone that we especially had to order for something like £17 from Amazon, into my PC using a basic editing programme that I don't even have a valid licence for.***

***It's on a trial period. I'm not doing anything illegally.

I also believe that we were balancing the laptop on a chest of drawers in a bedroom at my friend's house, the only room in the house where the dog couldn't get in and cause havoc, with the microphone propped up away from the window so that it didn't pick up any outside traffic noises. In another episode, I threw water all over the laptop and microphone and during another, the dog chewed off part of one of the dining room chairs. We have more outtakes than podcast, so far.

I digress. Not only did my friend have the idea of developing the podcast in the first place, but he also had the creative nous to think about the format of each episode - which, in the main, is in the form of a conversation. So in one episode, I will ask the questions about OCD and he will respond and in another, he will ask the questions about anxiety. Each episode will focus on different aspects of each condition too - in fact, let me share with you some of the (working) titles of episodes we have both recorded and are yet to record:

What's our beef? Setting the scene
Leaving the house: it's a marathon not a sprint
Anxiety at school: learning the hard way
It's not all about the books being in size order (but it is)

You get the idea. 

So why are we bothering with this? Mainly because we recognise that there is still stigma surrounding mental health and because we want to do our bit to help tackle this huge problem. Yes it has improved, but still people who have mental health issues are subjected to stigma, demoralisation, less opportunities and even abuse - all of which fuels their mental health problem even more. We want people to know that they can talk about it, how and who to. 

This blog website, which I set up in 2012 for largely the same reasons, is all very well, but we feel that a podcast - i.e. two people actually talking and being in conversation - will resonate more closely with people than lines on a screen like this can. Two people, also largely focusing on two different (albeit connected) mental health problems also means we double the number of people who can learn directly from our experiences. Plus, blogs are so last year - podcasts, I'm told, are now where it's at. You can tell I'm an expert.

And the cross-cutting theme on all podcasts is this: talking helps. It is true that the first, second and even third person you open up to about your feelings and mental health problems may not understand or empathise, or you may even get attacked by some of the casual stigma you hear all too often. But eventually you'll find the right person - a friend, family member, therapist or a total stranger. 

And those strangers could be us. We haven't published any episodes of I've Been Thinking yet and it may be a while before we do (resources and time are things we have little of) but we're open for business. You can follow us on Twitter @_beenthinking or email us at been_thinking@hotmail.com if you'd like to ask us any questions or advice.

But as you'll hear us say numerous times on each episode - we are not professionals (well, not on this issue anyway. We pretend to be professional in our day to day careers). They can be found in the charities such OCD UK and Anxiety UK, along with many others. But we can signpost you to help and support at the very least. So feel free to get in touch.

And - we'd very much welcome an episode of our podcast to feature a guest - so if you'd like to talk about anxiety, OCD, depression or any other mental health problem and feature in one episode, do get in touch via the details above. You can help to contribute to our aim to shut those people up who still stigmatise people with mental health conditions.

Best wishes,
Al

Going It Alone IV

Hi all,

If you'd have said to me in February last year that I would have been on holiday four times, three on my own, in just over a year I wouldn't have even considered it being feasible. But this is what has happened. No, in an ideal world I would not have the need to travel on my own to places, but for numerous reasons outlined in my previous blog this is the reality. Fortunately, I have seen the light if you like and recognised that if I want to see any more interesting parts of the world then I am going to have to do so on my own.  

Toilets - sadly including one on a coach - feature quite
frequently in this blog post

I started with Edinburgh just over a year ago, then Ireland last May, Canada with my friend in September (not officially alone but a huge experience nonetheless) and now it was time to visit Glasgow and Fort William (FW) in the Highlands. I had booked to stay over in Glasgow for one night (Sunday), then FW for three nights (Mon-Wed), Glasgow again for one night (Thu) before heading back on the Friday. So a five night trip in total with a combination of being able to see another new city to me and more rural locations. I broke it up like this partly so I could see both, but also because the trip from FW to home, if done in one go, takes nine hours and given my history of particularly long train journeys I figured it would be sensible to split it roughly halfway.

I am looking at my previous 'Going It Alone' blogs to ascertain the challenges that I experienced on last year's trips to determine whether they still apply now. I think the reassuring thing is that this trip was a drop in the ocean from an anxiety perspective compared to all the others. It was on a low scale in terms of magnitude compared to the trips to Ireland and Canada, sure, but going on these previous breaks has meant that my mind is now more conditioned to deal with any sort of trip away without having to worry about the protocol or the 'what ifs' quite as much.

A good example was the journey there. All previous journeys to my trips away have been anxiety producing - the first trip to Edinburgh because it was, indeed, my first time away alone and the second trips largely due to the involvement of a flight. But having achieved all this meant that the thought of catching a train to Glasgow (four hours or so) and a day later to FW (also four hours ish) and back again was far less daunting. As I said, only a year ago would this sort of trip been a real challenge, which I think demonstrates how far I've forced myself to come.

A particular challenge unique to this trip transpired on my first night in FW. I'd been out for a meal and a couple of pints (only) at a pub in the town and started to feel physically rather poor, but I just put this down to over-indulgence at this stage. I had a ten minute walk back to the hotel and gradually felt worse and worse. It was at this point that health anxiety started to kick in. "Why do I feel so bad? It must be something terrible. I'm on my own, who will help me, who can I talk to?" About ten minutes after getting back to my room, I threw up. Although physically I felt better after this, psychologically I was finding it very hard to calm down despite trying to think rationally. The rational reasons, I deduced, were that it must have just been a case of drinking the last pint too quickly or it was a bit dodgy maybe somehow, combined with having just eaten a large meal. The health anxiety reasons were saying 'it must be cancer' or some equivalent illness. 

The reality is that it was probably one or other of the rational reasons combined with anxiety - because as the physical feeling intensified so did the feeling of anxiety, which probably led what may have otherwise been just a dicky tummy being churned further by the physical feelings of anxiety - and the subsequent barfing. I don't throw up very often (I try and avoid any scenario where it could happen) which is why it was a surprise and why it triggered anxiety in the way it did. 

I think how I dealt with it the next day was quite positive however; I made the conscious decision to have a healthier eating and a non-alcohol drinking day and to snack throughout rather than eat a hefty meal in one go. This seemed to work well and I physically felt fine throughout most of the day which enabled me to keep anxiety in check. I built up the less healthy eating and drinking gradually again throughout the remainder of the trip(!)

Another main challenge unique to this trip was The Beast from the East as it was termed; the period of intense cold and snow that affected many in the UK. Believe it or not, despite being in the Highlands of Scotland, there was no lying snow at all in FW. I left Glasgow before the snow arrived and because FW is located to the west of the mountain ranges much of the snow was halted before it got there. There were flurries but nothing significant, albeit it was bloody cold.

However, it did affect my trip back. I was meant to catch the train back to Glasgow on the Thursday but there were no trains running beyond halfway all day. This was hardly surprising given the severity of the snow in and around the Glasgow area. So I was stuck in FW for an extra night, having to fork out nearly £100 for an extra hotel stay. So on Friday morning, I tried again - what happened then was nothing short of bizarre.

I set off to catch the 07:44 train from Fort William to Glasgow and yet again I was told by the ticket master that there were again no trains to Glasgow and no replacement bus services from Crianlarich, which is where the trains were terminating (about halfway between FW and Glasgow). He did say, however, that there was a bus that went to Glasgow from outside the station - not something the rail company put on but an independent company. So I wandered over there and sure enough there were several other people there trying to get to Glasgow to make onward journeys. I spoke to one couple and I said I was trying to get to the West Midlands. Then another couple piped up to say 'oh we're trying to get to the West Midlands too! Where are you going?' 'I'm trying to get to Stafford.' 'SO ARE WE!!' 

Coincidence number one. What are the chances? Stafford is not a big place and is a long way from the Highlands! It turns out this couple's daughter's wedding was the day after and in Bedford, so they were desperate to get home.

Then the bus came in and the first thing the driver said, reassuringly, was "I am going to try to get to Glasgow but I can't guarantee I'll make it." The snow in Glasgow had been horrific so he was obviously unsure about whether he'd be able to get through. Anxious moment number one - "oh God what if we crash in a snow filled ditch somewhere?" Rational as always, but I was fulfilled to know I was in this with several others, at least.

The driver let people who had pre-booked onto the bus first, fair enough, and then said 'I've only room for a few more' bearing in mind there were about 20 people left - anxious moment number two - "what if I get stuck here yet again?!" The Stafford couple explained their situation regarding the wedding so the driver seemed to take them, the other couple I'd been speaking to and me as a group of five and he chucked my suitcase on the bus, so I was let on before anyone else had a chance to comment! I didn't argue, as I doubt I'd have another chance to get back otherwise. I did have to pay £25 for the bus journey though.

So I was on a bus to Glasgow and despite about 20 minutes through the hills where it was snowing quite heavily, the journey was fairly clear and we got to Crianlarich (the halfway point). Here, a family of Americans who were on the same train as me on the way down to FW got on although only half of them were allowed on because the bus was nearly full. But again - a coincidence that this family I'd seen on the way down got on exactly the same bus but from a different location...?!

Ultimately, we made it comfortably to Glasgow - by this time the roads were fairly clear and they had obviously been ploughed so the rail company really should have put on a rail replacement bus service but it seemed that they couldn't be bothered (I have yet to identify a better reason!) I wouldn't have had to pay £25 if they had put on a replacement bus. Having said that, I was just pleased to have made it to Glasgow by this stage relatively incident and anxiety-free.

I left the other Stafford couple to it and headed to Glasgow Central station. I had to drag my suitcase through several inches of snow which was an experience in itself. I got to the station and - yep - no trains. I asked one of the many Virgin Trains staff milling around and they said trains were running from Carlisle (which is about 100 miles south but the next stop on the train) but - again - there were no replacement bus services to Carlisle.

Anxious moment number three - what if there were no hotels in Glasgow because loads of people were stranded? So I stood to one side with my phone to look into booking something, which would have also cost me a fortune given it was a Friday and short notice. About a minute into doing this, another Virgin Trains guy with a very strong Scottish accent came up to me randomly and asked me where I was headed. I said Stafford. He said "come with me... someone has just asked us to put on a taxi from here to Carlisle so that they can catch a train to London. If you join him, you can get on a train from there towards Stafford." I wasn't sure whether to believe him...

I tried to find that couple from Stafford that I shared the bus with at this point - I saw them at Central station but that was in between speaking to the first and second Virgin Trains' people, which was when I thought I'd need to book a hotel, so I didn't speak to them then because I figured they would also have to get a hotel. By the time the taxi offer materialised, they had gone and I couldn't find them which was a shame because they could have come with us. 

I was taken to the First Class Lounge... which if you've never been is basically a room with sofas (that I didn't sit on) and free coffee (that I didn't have) - anxious moment number four, mainly because I thought this was too good to be true! But sure enough, ten minutes later, I was bundled into this taxi with a chap called Mark (the guy trying to get to London) and a third person...

... A MAN I KNOW WHO LIVES IN STAFFORD AND IS A BOARD MEMBER OF THE ORGANISATION I WORK FOR. WHAT - THE - HECK???

So it turns out the person I know had been stuck in Glasgow for two extra nights having been at a conference. He was also at the station trying to get to Carlisle, and both of us had this Mark chap to thank for, his words "telling them a few white lies and giving them a few choice words" - proving that if you lay into train companies they will put transport on for you if you rant at them enough! I would never have done this of course because of the my lack of confidence in such situations, but again, they should have put a replacement bus service on from Glasgow to Carlisle because the roads were totally clear as the taxi journey proved. 

I'm sorry to reiterate this but what the hell are the chances of this person I know being in the same taxi as me between Glasgow and Carlisle??!

Anxious moment number five was during the taxi journey - I really needed the toilet for a start and I didn't get the chance to go in Glasgow due to the commotion. It was also quite an intense 90 minutes - trapped in a taxi with someone I know (which added to the pressure for me to remain calm, oddly) in what was a rather whirlwind situation. Needing the loo. That said, the utter ridiculousness of the situation almost made the experience easier!

So we got to Carlisle and there were two trains going to London (which I had to catch to change at Preston); the first was rammed full and the second was the one I was booked on from Glasgow anyway so I sat in my booked seat with a coach to myself because everyone got on the first train which only left five minutes before mine!! Moreover, my train was calling additionally a Crewe, so I didn't even have to change at Preston, meaning despite it being 30 minutes late I made the same connection to Stafford that I would have made had everything been normal. 

And I got home at 17:00. Which is when I was meant to get home anyway.

So yes, I had to pay £116 for an extra night in a hotel and the Fort William to Glasgow bus trip, and I lost half a day in Glasgow to see more of its sites, but had you said to me that I'd be getting home at 5pm that day when I first arrived at FW station for the station man to say 'there are no trains' I wouldn't have believed you. It truly was an extraordinarily bizarre chain of events that I just couldn't believe.


What is the most significant thing about all this? I dealt with it. Little things that helped included:

• Having plenty of water with me and some food so I didn't have to stress about this.
• Other people - simply having them thrust into the same situation was useful so we could all reassure each other!
• Breathing deeply in times if particular anxiety.
• Having 'stuff' - my phone, music, things to read etc. All very helpful distractions.
• Taking a 'I don't really care what other people think' attitude in certain situations, such as looking clumsy whilst using the toilet on the coach (never recommended I may add).
• Luck - and a lot of it!

The overarching challenges and tips I outlined in previous Going It Alone blogs (especially version II) still applied to this one, but I won't go through them all here because I wanted to focus on issues specific to this trip and how I dealt with them. And because this blog has now gone on for long enough!

Ultimately regardless of the hurdles and concluding travel nonsense that happened, I successfully completed another trip away without major breakdown, something which I still class as an achievement. In addition, the challenges I faced I have almost welcomed in hindsight, as it gave me a chance to determine how I would respond to these and in the end it turned out quite well. Most of the trip I managed to enjoy, with some lovely walks and site visiting. 

So where to next?

Best wishes,
Al

In good company

Hi all,

Recently, the UK government established a Minister for Loneliness as a consequence of findings apparent in The Commission on Loneliness, which was first set up by the late MP Jo Cox. Tracey Crouch, who has been appointed in the role, has a portfolio designated to tackle the scourge of loneliness in this country and, understandably, the role will largely focus on elderly individuals who perhaps have lost their spouses and who do not have family living locally anymore, or maybe they have an illness that prevents them from being sociable. Loneliness is a huge problem and I get sad when I think of older people who spend days sitting in the same house on their own, without seeing or even hearing from someone for such a long time. 

I know a couple who are in their late 80s; they both have numerous physical issues, one of them can hardly leave the house, the other only in necessity. Yet they have each other, have sixty-odd years of marriage. My grandmother is now 85 and has been through the ringer physically, yet she still takes care of her son who has Williams Syndrome. You might think that's ridiculous for someone who is 85 and has osteoporosis of the spine - but without him, she'd be without company a lot more. In these examples, the individuals involved are only losing one person away from being one of the people that Ms Crouch is going to hopefully help to support. This is a very good thing and is one of the few compassionate things this government has actually done; albeit it was initiated by an MP from a different party. We'll gloss over that.

There are circumstances, of course, where you can be lonely even if you are still seeing someone regularly. This would normally occur if the person was a carer for someone who had a bad illness or was disabled, to the point where they could not contribute to social interactivity. Thankfully we have not got close to this being a reality for my dad yet, in light of my mum's Alzheimer's diagnosis, but it is something for me to bear in mind later down the line.

What is a lot rarer, of course, is for younger people to be lonely, especially young people from relatively privileged backgrounds like myself. Youngsters, often from deprived backgrounds, who have perhaps had difficult upbringings and no family support and who have isolated themselves from others can become lonely quite easily. I still believe schools, in particular, should be given more resources to support these individuals, particularly in deprived areas.

But how does someone from a comfortable upbringing get themselves into a position of loneliness? Paths are surely carved out for these people? You go to school then university, meet people, start a job, meet more people and probably the person you'll go on to marry, marry them and live happily ever after. And if you don't live happily ever after, you'll divorce and then find someone else. For most people, it just happens, and they don't question it. Don't take it for granted. 

Weekend just gone, I saw no-one except my mum. I have an amazing group of friends who I still make the effort to see as often as possible, but when I don't, I don't see anyone. I have to go to the pub on my own if I want company. I've been on two holidays on my own and I'm going on another in a couple of weeks. I'm seen as odd for doing these things. The conversation goes something like:

"Ah you're going on holiday, where to?"
"Scotland."
"Great. Who with?"
"No-one, I'm going on my own."
"Oh." [Awkward silence]

Most people from the sort of background I've had could not contemplate doing anything like this on their own, let alone go on holiday for eight days on their own, like I did last year. Some people go backpacking on their own in their late teens or early twenties, but this is more of an 'on-purpose' activity. If I want to go on holidays I have to go on my own most of the time, bar manipulating some exceptions to my advantage with friends. I'm 30 years old. Why I am not doing what everyone else is doing at this age and getting married, having kids, or at least being in a relationship of sorts?

Well, I tried last year of course, but failed miserably.

Now don't get me wrong, I am way, way more comfortable in my own company than I ever used to be. I actually enjoy it sometimes, being able to do what I want, when I want. I enjoyed the trips away I undertook alone for the same reason. The only rules were mine. My greater concern is twofold; 1) the reasons why I find myself alone at 30, and 2) what happens in the long-term. 

To address point 1). Let's go back to why this website exists - anxiety. I spent years battling this horrible illness (because lets face it, that's what it is) and this, in turn, made meeting anyone nigh on impossible during my school and university years. By the time I could even consider being in a relationship, which frankly was probably only about four or so years ago realistically, every woman of a similar age had already found their man. And it's not just about the times when I had anxiety that made it difficult for me to make connections. The legacy of it lives on and over a number of years my confidence when meeting a lady has been destroyed - this is a permanent feature. I couldn't just walk into a pub and ask the attractive lady at the bar if she'd like a drink. This is fallacy and robbing a bank would be easier. I'm not going to do that either, just for any authorities logging in. 

Couple this with other factors of my personality which have also come about as a consequence of years of anxiety and you get me, now. The not being able to drive thing, for example. This is more than an issue for just my ex, it would seem.

There are other factors too - time to actually dedicate to a relationship being one due to work, helping my mum and (ironically) being a single homeowner. Being an only child and having a small family is of course another factor towards loneliness - it's not just about being in a relationship. I also feel as a general point is that social media doesn't help - ironic given the term 'social.' Actual interaction between young people is becoming less due to the firewall that is social media being people's only form of interaction these days. I fear this could lead to a loneliness epidemic later in life for the population at large - but I'll save this debate, given I've ranted about social media many times before on this website.

If you asked me now "do you consider yourself lonely?" I would say no, largely due to my small but brilliant group of friends and the interaction I get through work. I am lucky regarding the latter in that I work with a great small team of people. I think the point is that, at 30, I shouldn't have to rely on these sources alone, which I am, and it does mean that occasionally I have weekends in particular where I don't see anyone for up to 48 hours. But I would not consider my self lonely - yet.

But this leads me onto point 2). I have accepted that I will grow up (I mean, into later life - given I'm already 30!) not raising a family or be in a relationship. People will say I'm wrong to have accepted this, and "you never know what's round the corner." I don't condone violence, but I will punch the next person who says that to me. I also accept that my core group of friends are unlikely to stick around forever; many are building their own lives already and only by my sheer will and determination do I keep a place in their life. Others may move away in years to come. Work is also arguably the best it could get in terms of personnel at the moment and is unlikely to be as awesome later on down the line. So in light of all these predictions, I know that I am going to have to work damn hard as I get older to ensure I do not become chronically lonely, given I am already heading in that direction at 30. As such, I watch with interest as to what impact the new Minister's role will have for people like me.

But ultimately, I need to ensure that I do everything in my power to keep active socially. This may mean, in years to come, volunteering, forcing myself to try new hobbies (not for the hobbies but for the company) and joining rambling groups. So be it.

My mum spent days in the house on her own after she retired just before I was born. She usually saw me and/or my dad for the 25 years I lived at home, but often went days without seeing anyone else and spent hours in the house on her own. I have absolutely no proof of this, but I would not be surprised if those years of lack of activity, communication or mental stimulation has contributed to her relatively young diagnosis of Alzheimer's. I could be way, way off the mark. But it has crossed my mind many times and I do not want to fall into the same trap.

My message to readers is this. Do not take being in a relationship, a full household or having a big family for granted. All of these may be annoying at times(!), but the alternative is heading down a lonely road, destined for effort just to maintain contact with anyone. I blame anxiety and its causes for the reason I'm on this road already, at 30. I hate that its legacy lives on some twenty years after I was first down at the GPs crying my eyes out at 'whatever was happening to me.' 

The thing I have on my side is awareness that I'm heading down this path and having the time to adapt and react to it. It's far from ideal and it's not the path I'd have chosen, but I'm on it so I have to make the best of it. Like life in general, really. 

Best wishes,
Al

PS - Yes I am going on holiday for a third time on my own at the end of this month, to Scotland. I am genuinely looking forward to it - and despite the tone of this blog, I know that that shows incredible progress in my own strength even when compared to this time last year when I'd never even gone away on my own. I will no doubt write a blog about it...

Dementia: What I have learnt so far II

Hi all,

A few of you may have noticed my reach out tweets around the Christmas period. It was a difficult time; gone are the days when going to my parents' house for a few days over the festive period was one of the most relaxing times of the year. The period 22-27 December this year was very hard, because of my mum's worsening health.

The world's easiest jigsaw puzzle

I could answer the question posed in the title of this blog simply by saying 'it's a horrible, despicable disease that can savage and ruin lives.' It wouldn't be far off the mark. But then that isn't particularly insightful and everyone already knows that.

I will explain the situation as it stands with us at the moment, which is underpinned by the following timeline:

• Spring 2016 - noticed things with my mum weren't quite right
• December 2016 - first time it was clear Alzheimer's was likely
• January 2017 - had first appointment with GP and various referrals
• May 2017 - Alzheimer's disease diagnosed, prescribed medication
• May-Sept 2017 - significant improvement in her condition
• Sept 2017-present - significant decline in her condition

In version one of this blog, I briefly mentioned our situation in terms of our support network, or indeed a lack of it. My dad is with her everyday. I support for half a day every weekend so my dad can play golf. And that is it. Yes, they have friends who live in the area who they do things with - go round for a coffee, go for a walk etc - but ultimately, they cannot be expected to help deal with the most challenging aspects of this messed up disease. There are no other family members who can support.

So this is a particular problem when my mum has quite a lot of hostility towards my dad. She doesn't really know him as her husband or my father and often speaks about him as 'this bloke' or 'they' in many cases - it's often as though the person she went for a walk with on day one is different to the person she ate dinner with on day two - even though they are both my dad. She is also now feeling somewhat stifled - she told me last weekend that she isn't happy that everything is decided for her and sometimes she needs her own space. The problem is, she can't do general tasks that easily now and things have to be done for her. It's so hard listening to this, especially when she feels no love for her husband because she doesn't recognise him as him.

When I stayed there for four nights around Christmas, sometimes - but not all the time - my mum looked at me in what, for me, was a frightening way when my dad walked into the room. A look that was like 'who is this person that's coming in as if he owns the place.'

She also had - and has been having several of, according to my dad - a particularly bad spell on Christmas night. Basically she didn't know where she was and kept saying she'd be fine 'when she got home.' Of course, she was already home. Apparently this has happened a few times and she gets totally and utterly confused with pretty much everything. It first happened about a year ago, but then went away until recently. Usually what happens when she feels like this is my dad takes her to bed; he has to show her where her room is.

It must be horrible for both of them to have to deal with episodes like this day in, day out and clearly the situation is not sustainable.

I have been (trying to be) the voice of reason since my mum's diagnosis. I made the suggestion a couple of months ago when it was clear she was declining that my dad should make another appointment with her support worker. I thought I'd have to push him to do this, but he did it after my suggesting it only once, which I was pleased about. Said appointment is on 16th of this month and it cannot come soon enough.

At this appointment, I expect at least an insinuation that the unsustainable situation I mention above is going to be seriously looked at, with reasonably immediate effect, probably in the form of a care plan. I am probably being very naive - we all know what pressure the NHS is under - but we should file for the equivalent of extenuating circumstances. If my mum was lucid about my dad, yes my dad would still have to do a lot of work but it would be a lot easier when the person he's doing it for is open and comfortable with you. If my mum was uncomfortable and unsure about my dad but I had, for example, three siblings who could provide extra support, again that may be manageable. But both of these situations combined is already not working and it may not be long before it reaches boiling point - one of two possibilities really scare me:

1) My dad breaks down unable to cope
2) My mum doesn't want to be around him and starts wandering off or getting aggressive etc.

Historically, my parents have been 99% reactive and 1% proactive in life generally and in this case would only take action when one or both of these things happened. My role, again, is to provide that proactivity, firstly by encouraging my dad to make the appointment and secondly to make it explicit at the appointment about our situation. We should be prioritised for professional, external support whatever that looks like, given our circumstances. And I don't think that is being naive.

I bear the brunt of my mum's confusion and frustration - she still knows exactly who I am which is great obviously but it makes for a very hard few hours when I'm with her. I also feel I should do more, but ultimately I think the impact of that would be on my working hours which I think I would have to reduce if this was to happen. Being a single homeowner is harder work than I ever imagined and I frankly don't believe I should be reducing my social hours, given that I spent most of life prior to the past few years unable to live a proper social life due to the grip of anxiety.

And this is, of course, the other consideration. This blog website and everything contained within it tells you my story of anxiety from age 11, and I noticed on the days I stayed with my parents over Christmas the good old familiar feelings of anxiety creep back in. This was mainly in the form of struggling to eat properly which is often the first thing to be affected, and breathing awkwardly. Luckily, I managed to control it thanks to my CBT experience, but nevertheless it showed that much longer at my parents may have been more difficult to deal with. Being immersed in the difficulty of the whole situation, combined with constant attempt to keep my mum occupied and happy over these few days resulted in anxiety breaking free. And that is why it is probably best that I don't increase my hours of support that I do each week, because the affect it could have on my life could a) set my personal development back years (which my parents wouldn't want either of course) and b) make it so I couldn't support my parents at all, because I was too anxious.

There is not an hour that goes by where I don't feel guilty about not doing more to support my parents, trust me.

Overall, I'm not exactly sure what the next steps will be for us, but whatever they are they have to be taken soon, because this situation is like a pressure cooker at the moment.

In part one of this blog, I listed nine things that I learnt about dementia and supporting someone with the condition. I have listed these again below and given you additional commentary on my perspective five months on.

1) It takes no prisoners - yes, this is still more than true!

2) Photos are incredibly powerful - hmm, I'd reduce the tone of this down slightly. The effect of my dad showing my mum photos wore off quite quickly. I've encouraged my dad to try again and to put a few photos in frames as permanent reminders round the house. Time will tell, but I think I over-egged the impact of this one somewhat.

3) Read the literature - yes, definitely. I have recently lifted a fair whack from the Alzheimer's Society's 'Carers - looking after yourself' publication for my dad which has helped a lot, especially with what we need to press for at this forthcoming appointment in terms of support we need. Again - charities to the rescue!

4) Medication helps - Short-term, yes, a lot - long-term, less so. Her improvement over the summer must at least in part be attributed to medication, but the effects of it seems to already be wearing off and I don't think there is any more or stronger medication that can be used. My mum has also been experiencing 'sundowning' too, which in short means that her symptoms are generally worse in the evening. This is, in part, due to the effects of the medication (which she takes just before bedtime) wearing off.

5) Music matters - yes it does. She still remembers, very vividly in many cases, songs especially from the 70s and 80s and I often fill in gaps by putting music on that I know she likes. Luckily my parents have Sky and so have various dedicated music channels, and I bought loads of compilations albums last year. It's a good gap filler and can stir useful memories.

6) Physical activity is fundamental - Still very true. The main activity I do when I'm with my mum is go for a walk. She enjoys it and it is very good for her too. She usually goes for at least one good walk a day. She's not into other types of physical activity but that doesn't matter too much.

7) Don't do everything for her - I think this is where my dad has not been quite so good. He is doing a brilliant job in difficult circumstances, but I believe he took too many tasks off her too early. And he also makes a point of it if she hasn't done something quite right - he's a perfectionist, and changing this will take a cognitive behavioural therapist many sessions of work. The point is still an important one and I try and leave her to do things when I'm with her that she can still do, like wash up and my ironing (see previous blog!)

8) Be the same person - I am still doing this. I don't know if this will be possible, or whether it is the best thing in the long-term now though. How I am with my mum and how I should react and what I should say when she's struggling are things I need to get some expert insight on I feel, because I am increasingly feeling out of my depth. Should I tell her that by 'they' she means my dad, for example? Or do I just carry on 'going with it' and being her son exactly as I was before the disease took hold? I'm doing the latter at the moment.

9) Look after yourself - see rest of blog before this list. I believe, especially for my dad, that this will only be able to happen if we get the right support we need. My dad still goes and plays his golf about three times a week which is hugely important and we need to be in a position where this can continue.

I'd add three new ones:

10) Hobbies are important. I mean this twofold: 1) linking with point 7 above, whilst someone with dementia can still participate in their hobbies, keep doing them. The problem we also have is that my mum never really had what you might call hobbies, walking aside. When she retired in 1987 (when she gave birth to me), her sole role was to look after me. Then when I grew up and especially when I moved out of home, I'd have hoped she'd have picked up more hobbies or charity work, but never did. She spent most of her days walking, going to town and watching TV to be honest. This makes it harder to keep her occupied when I'm with her, especially now she's becoming more restless.

11) Your life will change. Of that there is no question. Don't expect to be able to do the same things you've always done, especially if you're the primary carer.

12) You learn a lot about yourself as a family member. And for me, I mean this also in terms of how I will apply the management of anxiety so that I can be useful support for my mum. I have much more to learn yet, me thinks.

Overall, my biggest concern is that my mum's support worker 'signed her off' in the summer for a year, which I rightly or wrongly read as that she was unlikely to decline much within that period of time. Sadly that has not happened and here we are barely six months later in a much worse position.

This is a huge challenge. One that I did not expect or sign up for. But one that is so much worse for my mum and my dad than it is for me. So I need to strand strong. I need to show that I will not wither and wilt under the pressure that this situation brings about. I have no choice but to tell anxiety to go and do one, but for this to be easier, we need to implement external support as I've been talking about.

It is, yet again and unfortunately, another example of not making the most of things when they are good. Neither of my parents have really been ill in the past and you assume that it won't happen to you. Like everything, this situation reinforced what I guess we all know yet don't act upon - do not take the good health of those closest to you for granted.

Best wishes,
Al

2017: Why it has been the best year

Hi all,

Oh what a surprise, a stereotypical 'end of year blog.' Oh what a surprise, someone starting a blog or article with 'oh what a surprise, a stereotypical end of year blog.' Well yeah, whatcha gonna do?

No, there is no reference to deep
house in this post

I thought I would write a positive blog at the conclusion of this momentous year in my life. You may still question whether 'momentous' is the right word after I have finished the blog, but for me, it has been momentous and some. I don't wish for this to come across as an 'oh look what I've achieved this year' arrogant type piece by the way, and I hope it doesn't come across that way. Indeed, some of things I call 'achievements' would be, to some, normal everyday activities that wouldn't seem like achievements at all. Then again, if you think that, you've probably never lived with a chronic mental health condition.

No, what this blog is meant to do is show that, if you're reading this in a low place of seemingly endless despair, as I was for many years about five plus years ago, it is possible to come out the other side and take on life and actually live it to a certain degree. Something I never thought possible when I was sitting on a train eight hours from home, feet numb, hands sweaty, feeling sick and short of breath - in the grips of my worst ever panic attack that lasted 14 hours.

So why has 2017 been particularly positive, amongst the national and global stuff that keeps everyone slightly nervous and angry?

On my travels

If you've been stupid/clever* (*delete as appropriate) to read many of my more recent blog posts, you will have noticed that I have been on holiday three times this year. I went on my own to Edinburgh for two nights in February, Ireland on my own for eight nights in May then Canada with a friend for 12 nights in September. This is probably a fairly normal degree of holiday for an 'average person,' i.e. someone from my sort of background but who has not had anxiety most of their lives. Before this year, the only holidays I had been on were with my parents back in the day, to Wales four times for four nights with my friend and Barcelona on a geography fieldtrip. I had never been abroad before, apart from Barcelona and Ireland twice, and never been away on my own. So this year rather ripped up the script in terms of what I'd done previously. I not only went away, I went on my own, twice, and went abroad for the longest I'd ever been abroad. And of course they weren't without their challenges, but overall I even managed to enjoy myself!!

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: I'd have nervously gone and had to go back home before even getting to the airport or on the train.

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: Not a chance. I remember saying, about a four hour train journey for a weekend away that I had to cancel about seven years ago, 'I can't see how I can ever get out of this situation.'

I was in a relationship!

Okay, so as my previous blog describes, my recent relationship ended after about three and a half months, so you could ask 'why is this a success?' Because I was actually in a relationship at all! I honestly never thought I would have the confidence to meet a girl in the first place, let alone get her to like me for long enough to say 'I'm in a relationship.' I also learnt a lot from my experience and it has given me more confidence - okay, a little more confidence - to potentially take something else forward. Meeting someone else doesn't seem any more likely now I have to say, but nevertheless, I still can't quite believe I was in a relationship at all.

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: Not applicable as it was deemed impossible. In the unlikely event a girl had been interested, I couldn't have sustained a relationship anyway as I was a mess myself.

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: No. End of. To be fair, though, even after this experience I still believe I will end up single in later life too.

Maintaining friendships

As you know this is a hugely important aspect of my life. I could not live without my friends. Fortunately, my core group of friends have remained local and as always I have had many adventures and laughs with all of them this year and, crucially, I know they are there for me if I need them. I depend on them significantly and always have and gladly, if anything, the friendships have all strengthened even further this year.

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: I already had a core group of friends that I totally relied on, but if anything these have since strengthened further and secondly, I'm not sure I appreciated them as much then as I do now.

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: I thought I'd still have a core group of friends but I thought more of them would have up sticks by now. I'm making the most of it whilst they're still here!

Still love my job

Another big one. Even when I was going through dreadful times a few years back, work was my haven and solace, compared to everything else. The exception came when I had to travel somewhere for work or give a presentation, particularly after my 2011 meltdown, but anxiety whilst at work was minor in comparison to other situations. It was the one place where I could actually be free from most of its grip, albeit constantly thinking about what would happen when I left the office! When I applied for my current job four years ago, I was in a better state overall, but I was daunted by the change, especially given I suddenly had a commute to face. But, the people, the work, the type of organisation and the flexibility of the job has made it an absolute pleasure to work for this organisation. We've been close to shutting down once or twice and the future is likely to keep us on our toes, but from my perspective I want to work here for as long as possible.

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: I have been working for well over nine years now, so yes I was already doing it...

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: I didn't think I'd be in a different job and enjoying it so much and so confident about what I do. And actually enjoying doing presentations!

I'm closer to my parents

Again, I am turning a negative into a positive here when you factor in that my mum was diagnosed with dementia this year. This is clearly a huge challenge that has already begun but that awaits us more so in the future. But what this has meant is that more of my time has been required with my mum, and because my role is basically to 'entertain' her when I see her, she appreciates that and looks forward to me coming over, which of course makes me feel good. As far as my dad, the primary 'carer' if I should now call him that, is concerned, we've had to pull together on this as you can imagine, and we are now closer than we used to be. We've never been what I would define as 'close' but we have worked together to ensure we can do the best we can to do what's best for my mum and I believe he now recognises I am an adult (I'm now 30, so better late than never!) and that sometimes it's worth listening to my advice and opinions!

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: In terms of supporting my mum with dementia, I'm just glad this has happened when I am a lot better, because I honestly think I would have been a hindrance to her rather than a help if this had happened a few years ago.

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: Obviously you can't vouch for a family member getting a long-term illness - "it doesn't happen to me" - so of course not. I knew I'd still be seeing my parents but not in such a structured manner. But as I say - the positives are there and I have to take those.

It was the fifth anniversary of this blogging site!

Certainly worth a mention; I did 'Five Blogs of Thanks' to celebrate at the time.

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: Well I probably would have, given I did start doing it just over five years ago :)

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: ...but I never thought it would last for five weeks let alone for over five and a half years. Thank you to everyone who ever reads my posts!

Other stuff

In addition to the above, these are the things that most people take for granted that I'm just grateful I can now do without major trauma:

• Eating out - I make sure I eat out at least once a week now because for many, many years eating out was a living hell.
• Going to a few different places - I mean on a smaller scale to the travelling I've talked about above; day trips with friends, things like that.
• Enjoying my own time - I still have a lot of time alone, but I appreciate it more now, enjoy it more and use it better, partly because I've had to but also because I'm better at planning to ensure my mind doesn't wander into unwanted territory.
• Exercise - Any sort of exercise made me panic in the past, largely due to an increased heart rate which set the health anxiety off. Now, I thoroughly enjoy swimming, cycling and walking and know, of course, that it also benefits me mentally too.

All of this is underpinned, of course, by not constantly fearing what that pain is, what people will think of me in social situations, that I might have a panic attack in an unfortunate situation - leading to, of course, panic attacks. Forget all the stuff I talk about above - ultimately the most important thing is that I have not spent this year in anxiety's grip. I have managed to not let it control me and dictate my life as it used to and this is the best gift of all that 2017 has given me. 

None of this would have been possible without my 50 sessions of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy that I had 2011-12, courtesy of Anxiety UK's brilliant service. I tremble to think where I would be now without this help.

The challenge for 2018 is, of course, to make it as good if not better than 2017. This looks increasingly challenging, as I've blogged about before, due to changing circumstances in my life that are likely to kick in in the next few years - friends moving away, my mum declining in health, my job never being overly stable etc - but only I can try to turn these into positives like I have some aspects this year, or at least, balance out these challenges or gaps with other positives. I think the crucial thing is that I now have the ability to do this, whereas years ago I did not. 

I look back to 2017 with fondness. I think that's the first time I can truly say that. I remind those of you who cannot say this that it is possible to fight and beat whatever mental health condition you're battling with. It is not easy, but it is possible. Talk to someone. Friend, family, charity, Twitter, Samaritans, colleague, whoever. That is where it all starts.

I would like to wish all my readers a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year.

Best wishes,

Al