Unhealthy anxiety

Hi all

For all the therapy I have had over the years and for all the improvements I have made with anxiety, the one thing I have found very difficult to crack in terms of solving is that of health anxiety.  

Last time I did this, I was found to be alive

Granted, much of what I have learnt is how to deal with anxious symptoms, with an overarching acceptance that I will always have anxious feelings to some degree.  But having the tools to deal with these feelings is hugely important and this is what I have learnt over the years.  Naturally, what happens if you have the tools to deal with and react more strongly to anxious symptoms is that the cause of the symptoms becomes less too.  A good example here is my experience with panic disorder, which used to prevent me from doing certain things such as presenting, socialising or eating out.  Whilst, sometimes, these things can still present challenges, having the tools to deal with any anxieties that these things throw up (no pun intended) gives you more confidence to tackle the original causes and do them anyway - and even enjoy them.  I cannot emphasise enough how much I revel in eating out with a friend and actually enjoying it.  A positive of anxiety - you don't take for granted small wins that perhaps other people don't even register as significant.  So, tackling the symptoms also helps to tackle the cause and eventually a hugely anxious and near-to impossible situation becomes doable or even enjoyable.

Sadly for the health compartment of my anxiety, the success of this cognitive behaviour change has not been realised in quite the same way.  Yes, I am now able to deal with the symptoms of health anxiety better - i.e., when I get a physical pain or discomfort and automatically associate it with immediate death or life defining illness, I am better able to rationalise and say to myself 'you're being stupid,' and come up with alternatives to the problem other than cancer, a brain hemorrhage or equivalent.  But the problem is, I still automatically associate any pain with these sort of horrendous problems - in the case of health anxiety, tackling the symptoms and dealing with them better has not really changed the way I perceive a physical discomfort in the first place.  This differs from other 'types' of anxiety, particularly panic disorder, as described above.

What this shows is how powerful sensational and unrealistic thoughts can be.  I know, KNOW, that when I get a small pain somewhere, the chance of it being anything other than a natural small pain that anyone could get at anytime is close to zero.  And I do KNOW this.  But my brain automatically sensationalises it into something absurd and, yet, believable.  Usually, the pain I feel could, theoretically, turn into something more sinister.  But the odds are so great that most people whose brains are wired with the correct circuitry are able to manage it rationally.  

Now, you may be thinking that this heightened health awareness and negative interpretation could be a good thing - after all, many people who do have the misfortune to develop a serious health problem do so because they failed to seek help for potential symptoms early enough.  With a health anxiety condition - or hypochondriasis if you'd like the medical term - the automatic thoughts of imminent death and disease surely, at least, makes early diagnosis of anything bad almost certain.  Indeed, some people with particularly severe health anxiety pay frequent visits to the doctor, almost as a form of OCD (see below!); they cannot help but get a professional opinion on whatever it is they are experiencing as a way of reassuring themselves that they are okay.  In extreme cases, people will get multiple opinions from multiple doctors.  This must be a very frustrating and time consuming practice, one that I am glad to say I don't have.

However, the down side of not being like this is that I now have a problem whereby, despite my brain tricking me into thinking I have an extreme problem even though I KNOW that I don't, means I don't go to the doctors and instead assume it is health anxiety and try and deal with it accordingly.  So far, it always has been health anxiety.  The problem is, what if I get symptoms that I put down to health anxiety but are ACTUALLY something more sinister?  Could the thing that I fear the most end up being the reason for a mis- or late diagnosis? It would be the ultimate anxiety irony.  It makes subtle symptoms very difficult to differentiate between hypochondriasis and a real health problem and due to experiencing the former for nigh on 20 years, my brain will automatically assume it is health anxiety.  How twisted is that?  I automatically think that a pain is a major health disaster, triggering a reaction that makes me assume it's health anxiety, meaning I do nothing about it and instead just deal with the symptoms of health anxiety.  What if I actually need to deal with the symptoms of a real physical health problem?

The other irony with health anxiety (anxiety generally is one big labyrinth of irony, I've discovered) is it can make you more physically ill in the first place.  For example, when I had very bad panic disorder, I was obsessed (literally) with checking my heart rate.  Checking for symptoms, generally, is one common annoyance that comes with health anxiety, showing again how it is also closely linked with OCD - one can become so fixated on checking that something is wrong that something can become wrong! So back to the panic disorder example - not surprisingly, when I had panic disorder, my heart rate was often higher than you'd expect (whatever that actually was!). Now, what health anxiety did is automatically associate this high heart rate with an imminent heart attack.  Even though I knew it was 'just' the anxiety, I still assumed that my heart was about to burst and kill me.  So, what did I do?  Keep checking my heart rate, to 'make sure I was ok.'  Naturally, almost everytime I checked it, my heart rate was high, and in realising this, checking it made it higher and higher, which led to stronger health anxiety feelings regarding a heart attack.  All of this anxiety can of course make you physically ill - imagine the strain all this nonsense is putting onto your body.  I often had pains in various places (that made the health anxiety worse, of course) which were caused by a constant state of panic.  

Anxiety is just one big vicious circle.

I am happy to report that, generally, the days of this utter absurdity are behind me.  Of course, I worry about jinxing it when I write this.  But that's the reality.  However, it doesn't alter the fact that I simply cannot get that original thought process to stop.  PAIN = IMMINENT DEATH.  I think it will be something that I will always have to put up with and be, as a result, called a hypochondriac.  As long as I can deal with this behaviour more sensibly and rationally, I will be satisfied.

This is not necessarily the topic for it, but I would like to wish all my readers a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  May the year 2017 be better for all of us.

Best wishes
Al

Social media: I now know which side of the fence I'm on

Hi all

I've had lots of conversations with people about social media - who doesn't? - over the past few months for one reason or another, whether it be around my Twitter account, other people's usage of social media or how we use it for work.  I thought it was, therefore, timely to follow up my blog of over three years ago.  Back then, I was more or less on the fence in terms of whether social media was beneficial to those with mental health problems or indeed damaging.  I didn't really come to a firm conclusion. I have now made up my mind.

I don't count blogging as social media

I firmly believe that social media is damaging to society, overall.  Yes it has benefits, I'm not denying that.  But three key reasons stick out for me as to why, overall, it is more of a hindrance than a help to positive mental health and development.

1) Addiction and obsession.  

This is my main axe to grind.  People cannot cope if you take them away from their social media platforms for any more than a few minutes, in extreme cases.  People including myself starting setting up Facebook in about 2006, during University.  If I was 18 now, I'd have basically known no other life than a Facebook life, which worries me.  It worries me because people live their lives through Facebook.  Everything that happens in their life is on Facebook.

One of the most worrying things I think I have heard people say is "it's not official yet because it's not on Facebook," with reference to being in a relationship.  What??! So you're telling me that unless you have posted on Facebook that you're in a relationship, you're not actually in a relationship?  What sort of life is that to live?  Unless it doesn't say it on Facebook, it's not real?

That said, I'm single, so what do I know?

But that's the problem.  People have started communicating solely through their phones and their social media platforms.  Human nature's natural instinct to be nosey in other people's affairs makes it an automatic and understandable reaction to check Facebook to see what other people, or indeed, your "friends" are up to.  The problem is, Facebook is a never ending splurge of news and updates from your "friends" meaning that you could spend hours and hours on it at any one time.  The more people do this, the harder they find it to stop - like anything that you become addicted to.

I don't believe any of this is healthy.  For a start, so much of what you read on Facebook or equivalent is utter fallacy (see point 2) with people boasting and probably making up garbage about their lives.  Secondly, the art of communication is a dying one, from what I can see, and I am concerned that in 20-30 years time younger people will be so used to communicating through digital mediums that if we encounter a problem we won't have the ability to talk openly about it.  This cannot be good for mental health.  Moreover, anecdotal and increasingly scientific evidence is increasingly suggesting that being outdoors and taking in your surroundings is hugely beneficial for people with mental health problems.  How can people truly do this when their mind is constantly buried in the blue glare of a smart phone screen?  The final, most worrying point, is that young people in particular will increasingly turn to social media for mental health help.  Yes, as my last blog conveyed, there is some hugely beneficial support on social media for dealing with and finding more information out about mental health problems - but only if you know where to look.  Filtering through the endless myriad of social media nonsense is the last thing anyone needs when they are in crisis.

2) Comparing yourself to others.

Fortunately, I've managed to never fall into the trap of point 1, possibly because my entire childhood wasn't dominated by social media and so I remember life without it (although I also know people my age and older who are equally as addicted!)  However, I am open to admit that I have viewed other people's updates and 'news' on Facebook (in particular) and started to wish that my life was more like there's.  Usually, posts that make me feel this way are to do with how amazing, hot or talented their partner's are.  All such posts do is remind me that the only thing amazing, hot and talented in my life is a new smart kettle that I bought the other week*.

When you get to 29 years old, and the predominant median age of your "friends" on Facebook are similar, this is an approximate summary of what your news feed consists of:

> I've been on an amazing holiday
> I'm engaged
> I've booked my honeymoon
> I've been on another amazing holiday
> I've taken a photo of my dinner
> I'm getting married in two days
> I'm getting married tomorrow
> I'm getting married right now
> Just married
> I'm pregnant
> I'm on my honeymoon
> More honeymoon photos
> More...
> Hotdog legs
> More.......
> I'm still pregnant
> I've had my baby
> I've taken another photo of my dinner
> Here is a photo of my new baby barfing his dinner onto my shoulder
> I'm pregnant again

You get the idea.  Social media, Facebook in particular, is simply a platform for people to boast about how amazing they perceive their lives to be.  Either that, or it is a platform for attention seeking, either by raising controversial issues or spouting about how miserable their lives are.  Or indeed, it's a platform to do both.

As I've blogged about recently, I'm currently quite happy being single but I worry that in five years time I will be getting progressively lonely and cast aside from society.  As such, the last thing I need to hear is how amazing people's relationships are.  Of course, people sugar the truth on social media.  Things on Facebook may not be in reality, but that is how it is perceived.  And, especially for younger more naive people, the impact that Facebook and others can have on their self perception can be hugely damaging to their mental health.  Suicides in young people are being increasingly reported, and I have no doubt that depression in young people is often caused, or partly caused, by social pressures.  All social media does is exacerbate this by a million, because it is ALWAYS THERE.  And because of the addiction element outlined in 1), people can't help logging on, even though they usually do get upset or, in the longer term, depressed afterwards.  2) fuels 1) which fuels 2) which fuels 1) and the cycle is very hard to break.

All I know is, that I don't want to be constantly reminded how anxiety has affected my life by other people posting about how amazing theirs is.

And frankly, even when you're not comparing yourself to other people's amazing lives, the amount of utter drivel people post on social media is absurd.  I'm the opposite of someone who enjoys reading about celebrities which doesn't help, but until I deleted my Facebook account (more to come on this!) I could have told you quite a lot about people that I have absolutely no interest in BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO OPTION!

3) Trolling and bullying

This barely needs any further explanation.  Ironically, it is often celebrities who are victims of Twitter trolling, which, without looking up an official definition, seems to me to basically be horrible people making, at best, persistent horrible comments about someone on Twitter or, at worst, threatening them or their family.  I grant you, it's sad that this should even be an issue because there shouldn't be anyone on the planet that is nasty enough to do this.  But they do, and the reality is it would be a heck of a lot harder if social media didn't exist.

For the non-celebrities amongst us, the more conventional term of 'bullying' is likely to be more appropriate.  This happens a heck of a lot too, as far as I can tell.  Kids who perhaps don't conform to 'the norm' or who don't bow to peer pressure can now be accessed via the Internet and bullied virtually. You hear all the time of people that have been attacked on social media for not wearing the right clothes, or for having the wrong views, or for being too far.  Victims can be severely affected for a long time by this persistence harassing and because of point one, it can take a long time for young people in particular to remove their accounts or take action.  It has suddenly made it easier for people to bully others, especially out of a school environment.

So is this rant about social media all hypocritical?  In a way yes.  Earlier this year, I did delete my Facebook account after getting increasingly fed up with drivel in my news feed making me feel low. I analysed my 7,504 "friends" (I think it was more like 100) and worked out there was only one person that I was "friends" with that I didn't have any other means of contacting them if I deleted my account - so I duly sorted that out and ensured I had their email address.  

As many of you will know, I still use Twitter, but mainly 1) hopefully for the greater good by sharing my experiences of anxiety and 2) for keeping up to date with mental health news.  I follow some very interesting people and for that, I am the first to admit, it is useful.  It's just a shame that it is abused so often.  I also have LinkedIn for work but don't use it much.  I've never had Instachat or Snapgram or whatever the others are called.

I know social media can be a good thing.  The last blog that I referred to conveyed some of the ways that this can be the case.  But there is a lot of damage caused by it, in my opinion, and although mental health support can be sought widely via social media it can also be a significant cause of mental distress.  I am concerned that we, as a society, are becoming more reliant on it. 

I'm now going to Tweet about publishing this post, and I'm being serious.

Best wishes
Al

* I haven't actually bought I smart kettle.

Sustainability and Mental Health II

Hi all

My previous blog gave an overview of how the term 'sustainability' and mental health recovery are much the same thing.  In other words, things you can do to be friendly to the environment can also benefit your mental health, and there are plenty examples of this.  The conference that I referred to in the previous blog convened on Wednesday 12 October in Birmingham, and I was really pleased with the way it went.

Antony Cobley winning an award for University
Hospitals Birmingham community orchard

As I said before, nothing was groundbreaking.  The messages were fairly self explanatory and obvious, even, but to see real life examples where organisations use sustainability practices to improve patients mental health injected some real inspiration into proceedings.  All the academics tell us that sustainability and mental health can be achieved together, but seeing it actually happen is something else entirely.  The conference was successful, I thought, in showing real-life examples of how organisations that have been spurred on by individuals to create innovative mental health care ideas whilst also improving the environment.

Neil Deuchar set the scene; although he is retired from the health care scene now, he has years of experience and kicked off the conference with a passionate speech about how we need to do more as a society.  His idea that we need to not just consider the next generation, but the next seven generations in our thinking, was well received by every single delegate in the room.  This is true sustainability and got people thinking right from the outset about how positive an impact even small projects can have on people today and far into the future.

Next up was Julia Crear and Sallie Butt from Living Streets, who are trying to turn us into a walking nation, in spite of the British obsession with the car. They provided examples of how walking in groups can dramatically reduce social isolation, something I took great comfort from.  As a keen walker anyway, I was heartened to hear that walking can give such positive mental benefits.  I can feel this myself whenever I go out walking, I must admit.  Finally before the break, Caroline Hutton showed this wonderful video of the great work of Martineau Gardens and how their therapeutic horticulture programme brings people from the local community into nature, improving the environment and, again, how this can benefit recovering mental health patients.  Caroline's wish is to see these gardens exist in every area of the country allowing easy access for patients.  I really do hope this can happen!

After a refreshment break, we heard from Public Health England on how we cannot ignore the impacts of extreme weather when it comes to its impact on mental health patients.  I've been doing some research into this myself recently on behalf of Birmingham and Solihull Mental Health Foundation Trust (BSMHFT) and found that the impacts are becoming increasingly quantified, but as Thomas Waite explained, there is still a long way to go before we understand fully the impacts of heatwaves and flooding on things like distress, domestic violence and long-term depression.

Then came more inspiration, courtesy of two local hospital trusts.  First of all, Antony Cobley with support from Chris Blythe from The Conservation Volunteers spoke about the University Hospitals Birmingham's work with their mental health patients and outdoor activities, volunteering and their community orchard, which literally acts as a form of mental health recovery.  There followed BSMHFT with Neil Cross talking more from an internal perspective; what has this Trust done to improve their sustainability?  He outlined their impressive waste, energy and transport savings in terms of both carbon and money, crucial in tough economic times.  Neil's presentation was very honest, though, and this was appreciated by the audience; he knew that he wanted to do more, particularly on the climate resilience side, to understand which of their premises and therefore their patients were most at risk from extreme weather.

The final 20 minutes of the workshop was spent with the delegates being asked to think of actions that they are going to take back to their organisation and their office afterwards.  I scribbled a spider diagram of these ideas during the session.  It struck me that people were inspired; what you have to remember is that most people attending the conference came from either a sustainability/environmental background or a mental health care background.  As such, one of the biggest successes of the event was to bring people from these two backgrounds together; this is crucial, and surely if these two different types of practitioners worked together they could achieve some excellent results and develop some inspiring projects.  Working together is, of course, crucial in times of low resources and to bring about funding opportunities.

This is the whole ethos of the organisation I work for.  I hope that, given our troubled times financially, we can carry on bringing these people and ideas together.

So all in all it was a successful, enjoyable and inspiring event.  I think the gap that remains, though, is a significant one.  When a person is in crisis, at their lowest ebb, what are the chances of them coming across an initiative like Martineau Gardens, or trying out a walking club, or using their community orchard?  Do they even know such things exist, and if so, would they be aware that they aid mental health recovery?  Even if they did, when you're at your lowest point, you can't possibly fathom such actions making any difference to your living nightmare.  So what we need is two things: 1) Better signposting and use of such initiatives.  But most importantly 2), a recognition that these schemes are not replacements for receiving adequate mental health treatment, whether it be talking therapy, medication or hypnotherapy. They can be complementary methods, of course, but not replacements. Sadly, mental health care in the UK is in meltdown and the sooner the government get their fingers out from their profit making materialistic backsides the better.  

You can find all of the outputs from the workshop on this webpage.

Best wishes
Al

Sustainability and Mental Health I

You may have seen on Twitter that I am lucky enough to be running a Sustainability and Mental Health Conference as part of my job on 12 October.  I will write part II of this blog after the conference to reflect on the event and the speakers and discussion that I pick up on during the day.  Of course, had resources allowed I would like to have done more than just run a half-day conference, but it's still better than nothing and allows people to understand the links between what sustainability is perceived as, and mental health care and recovery.

Martineau Gardens near Birmingham

My conclusion prior to the event - after which I suspect this conclusion will be reinforced - is that sustainability and mental health recovery, in particular, are part of the same thing.

First of all, what do we mean by 'sustainability?'  It's such a broad term, a bit like 'environment' or 'resilience.'  I'm not going to bore you by providing a series of definitions that exist on sustainability, such as 'living within our means both now and in the future,' but this is the general premise.  One issue I still have to grapple with as part of my day job is that when people say the word 'sustainability' they instantly think of 'climate change,' or at the very least 'the environment.'  I think in most cases by 'environment' we're referring to things like nature - trees, forests, animals etc.

This isn't wrong, and indeed climate change and the natural environment are hugely important components of a 'sustainable' future.  Incidentally, both of these aspects are being hugely neglected at present, I believe. 

However, sustainability is also about addressing health inequalities, improving economic productivity and achieving social justice.  Ensuring that this country can overcome its current NHS crisis, for example, is hugely important for sustainability, otherwise millions of vulnerable people and those with health - physical and mental - problems will be at risk, which of course is not remotely sustainable for our future.  Sustainability is about everything and everyone - which is why the term isn't too helpful in many ways.

Indeed, the vision of the organisation I work for is: "By 2020 businesses and communities are thriving in a West Midlands that is environmentally sustainable and socially just." Businesses suggests economy, social justice suggests fairness and wellbeing. 'Environmental' is just one part of it.

So, with all this in mind, ensuring that our mental health care is 'sustainable' is massively important in terms of us achieving this vision, but also for the country as a whole.  Like the NHS, it isn't inaccurate to say that mental health care is currently in crisis; I recently attend North Staffs Mind's 40th anniversary lecture which focused on this very issue. So looking at how you can combine different aspects of sustainability to improve mental health care and the livelihoods of patients, without relying as heavily on the NHS, is crucial.  Indeed, to call the forthcoming conference 'Sustainability and Mental Health Conference' is almost inaccurate - as they are part of the same thing.

But there are small things that individuals with mental health problems can do themselves to help in their recovery and make it less likely of their need to be a burden on the NHS. Because let's face it - every single one of us is a burden on our NHS at the moment as we collectively abuse such a wonderful system.  There are various academic studies and practical examples that provide the evidence for the benefits of undertaking these 'small things,' which I won't quote here as there are too many, and because the Conference on 12 October will do a lot of this for me.  However, in summary, some of the brief examples are:

- Walking, especially in the countryside. Those who have followed my blog for the past four or so years will understand my passion around this and how it has benefited me over the years.  Walking is not only good environmentally - getting out of the car - and for your physical health, but there is strong evidence to support the mental health benefits too. That's why I'm delighted that Living Streets will be speaking at the Conference on 12th.

- Cycling - much the same as walking.  It is more vigorous and physically stimulating and may not be beneficial for those, like myself, who suffered badly from health anxiety (heart rate increase = thoughts of a heart attack = panic attack... etc) but over time it can be equally as beneficial.  Indeed, I have started cycling in the past few months and I'm reaping the benefits.  Sadly in both the cases of walking and cycling, our country is wedded to and has been designed for the car - hence why there is an obesity epidemic and public transport provision and infrastructure is being slashed.

- Gardening/horticulture. Now this isn't something I know much about so I'm keen to listen to the Director of Martineau Gardens at the conference. They offer something called 'horticultural therapy' which in simplistic terms allows people in mental health recovery to help in the Gardens.  It can be relaxing and rewarding and of course, gardening and improving green spaces more generally is good for the environment.  Far too much of our land is being paved on at present, damaging wildlife and causing more flash flooding, to name but two examples.  There is also the wonderful NHS Forests initiative; some hospitals that have taken up this programme have effectively developed a forest within their grounds that offers a calming place for recovery of patients of both physical and mental health issues.

Negative consequences of our environment can also cause mental distress. One key example of this is flooding, which, if severe or frequent enough, can cause significant levels of anxiety and depression in people whose homes get washed out.  People with pre-existing mental health conditions are also less likely to be prepared or aware of extreme weather events, such as a heatwave, leading to a greater risk of physical problems and, lo and behold, an even more negative impact on mental health.  Such cycles are only likely to worsen in future.  I'm pleased that Public Health England, who are supporting the conference, will be talking about this very issue.

I could go on, as there will be numerous other examples where sustainability refers to both improving the environment and people's mental health as part of the same thing. The two agendas should be worked on together, as almost always something that improves our struggling environment will also have a positive impact on people's mental health and wellbeing, thus alleviating pressure on our creaking NHS.

I'm so pleased that I am in a job that allows me to run this conference.  It won't be groundbreaking, that's for sure, but what it will do is showcase some excellent examples of local action that benefits 'sustainability' - in all of its forms.  That, combined with attendance from a passionate and compassionate bunch of delegates, from the NHS, local authorities and elsewhere, who strive every day to do their best for the world and their patients.

I will blog again after the conference and share my thoughts from the day.  Before then, I'm off to Wales (as it now tradition - fifth year running!) on Tuesday to Saturday for a break filled with sustainable walking.  

Best wishes
Al

The Positives of Anxiety

Hi all

It's been a testing time for me recently, not least relating to work and my continuous striving to ensure that my future ends up a happy and fulfilled one, something that I believe will only happen if I make fundamental changes in the next few years.  As I've said before, it is very difficult not to blame years of anxiety for regrets and reasons why my life isn't taking the track I wish it to.  I believe that this explanation is too easy, though, and I have since learnt that I have now got to be grateful that my anxiety condition is under control enough to the point where I can actually plan for my future.  Okay, so it may not turn out the way I have imagined, but to envisage a future not in the grips of anxiety is something that, a few years ago, I couldn't have imagined.

Been as we're all obsessed with these
things these days...

And I think it is, therefore, about time I wrote a blog that focused on what the positives are about having experienced and lived with an anxiety condition. All of what I'm about to focus on I don't believe would have been classed as such 'positives' if I hadn't had anxiety.  Yes, it may only be now, when I'm able to think with more clarity and less fear, that I can appreciate these positives, but ultimately anxiety has shaped who I am - in many ways, I feel, for the better.  

1) I rarely get nervous anymore.

In the past, being nervous was the norm.  I was always nervous, and when I was thrown into situations were nervousness was perceived as normal, I was an anxious mess.  Driving lessons represent a good example - often a nervous experience for anyone, especially early on.  For me, they were terrifying and panic attack inducing, to the point where I had to stop. However, having gone through all of that and gaining techniques to help manage anxious feelings as a result of intensive CBT, I have learnt to manage nerves so much that I barely get nervous now in most situations.  Okay, so this is partly down to avoiding situations that have, in the past, caused me great anxiety (like, I have never driven since 2006!) but when I do something that is generally seen as a nervous situation, I simply apply my aggressive behavioural techniques and deal with it accordingly.  A good example came this week, when I had a job interview.  Bar a few last minute tremors, I was absolutely fine and anxiety-free in the build up and during.  Years ago, I'd have been ruminating about it for days before and then not be able to undertake the interview due to mass panic.  I didn't even go for jobs in the past even when anything remotely interesting came up, because I knew there was no point.

This should stand me strong against difficult things that come my way in the next few years.  Another example will come next May - I have booked an eight-day trip to Ireland, yes on my own, which again is something that would have terrified me in the past to the point where I wouldn't have even bothered to do it.  Had it not been for extreme levels of past anxiety, though, I may have never obtained the levels of support I had received to make it possible to make these situations comfortable.

2) I don't take things for granted.

I'm now going to list a few things that I believe most people who grow up in a relatively-speaking affluent western area take for granted:
- Eating out
- Catching a train
- Enjoying your own time
- Cycling or swimming
- Socialising with friends

These are all things that I could not, would not or struggled to do for many years.  Anxiety and panic disorder destroyed my ability to undertake basic activities to the point where I would avoid eating out with friends, have a panic attack if my heart rate increased during exercise or where my mind raced out of control when I spent any time on my own.  Now I am fortunate enough to have come out of the other side from the most extreme effects of anxiety, I can do these tasks with relative ease - and even enjoyment - rather than dread and fear.  And consequently, I have learnt not to take any of these things for granted.  I'm so pleased when I can go out with a friend and enjoy a meal and I'm so happy afterwards.  Sounds stupid maybe, but having grown up all of my life in a position where these things would have been nigh on impossible it is so good to be able to actually enjoy them. 

I had a bit of a rant recently about how analytical social activities seem to be; I don't think anyone who had a condition that prevented them from socialising, or at least prevented enjoyment of social activities, would be quite so analytical and maybe as a society we could just enjoy it!  

3) I'm not particularly materialistic.

That previous blog I just mentioned also talked about materialism - life is all about money and materialism in this day and age, and I believe that having anxiety has made me realise there is more to life than just money.  It's also about laughing, compassion, enjoyment, confidence, calmness and actually being able to function without fear.  Okay, so as your average Brit I think we're all materialistic to an extent, when comparing ourselves to other parts of the world, but despite money dominating everyone's life, I firmly believe it is only a means to an end.  I'm really proud to have this standpoint - and I think anxiety has made me take this view.

4) Anxiety has made me a more considerate person.

I like to help people, as I'm sure most people do.  But because of numbers 2 and 3 above, I get more out of the feeling of being considerate than I believe I would have otherwise.  I believe people warm to you more and appreciate you more as a person.  Sadly, I live in a place where there is a rife lack of consideration generalising in society - okay, so people who live in their own world and who don't tend to consider others are often more dominating and noticeable in society (the loud minority?).  Having said that, I do believe where I live has become overwhelmed by a huge amount of inconsiderate people in the last few years.  Politeness and support has gone out of the window.  

Or, it could be that I'm simply noticing this more as I have worked hard to become more considerate??

5) I'm better at my job.

For two reasons: 1) I'm not constantly nervous and looking over my shoulder at when the next panic attack will occur.  My mind is clearer and more able to focus on the job in hand, rather than get cluttered up with anxiety related crap.  2) Similar to my third point above, having anxiety has made me appreciate different things in life, and striving to do the best I can in my job is another of those things.  

6) I appreciate my surroundings more.

I could have lumped this in with number 3, but I feel it deserves it's own entry.  I come to this conclusion because I am very lucky to live near to some fabulous countryside which I have always taken for granted in the past. No longer.  I take in every moment spent in said countryside, and appreciate it for what it is - beautiful.  

7) I am closer with my friends.

I am lucky to have maintained a core group of friends over the years.  Without them, difficulties would have been impossibilities.  I do believe, also, that I have become closer to them and am able to trust them more as a result of anxiety.  Reasons for this are primarily twofold: 1) because of a combination of numbers two to four above.  2) Because in many cases, I have at times confided in these friends about what I have gone through with anxiety.  I think overall that they have appreciated this and think of me as someone who isn't scared of talking about the difficult topics, making them feel easier to talk to me about their issues and generally building up that trust further.

8) I can empathise with other anxiety sufferers.

People say it's not kudos to say you 'suffer' from anxiety.  Try telling that to me when I was in the grip of my many thousands (literally) of panic attacks.  Trust me, I was suffering.  What this experience has allowed me to do, however, is understand and appreciate what other people who are suffering with anxiety are going through.  I'm certainly no counsellor  (you'll all be delighted to know) but I do know the importance of an appreciative ear, which is something I can now offer.  I can also signpost people to help and support and share my experiences with them about how I got help.  Peer-to-peer learning, if you'll excuse the rather corporate term. I wish I'd had this back during my worst times.

This blog, of course, has purposely ignored the negatives that anxiety has given me, both the more obvious negatives at the time of heightened anxiety, but also how it has shaped my life in ways I perhaps wasn't hoping for.  But I am finally starting to get over this now, and instead start focusing on the eight points above.  I am finally looking to my future with a little more positivity, by taking action (e.g. booking that holiday I mentioned) and saying to hell with pessimism.  It is nowhere near perfect and probably will never be; moreover, I will always have anxiety and it will always be there to interject at times.  But the key thing is this - only I can influence whether my future is positive or negative.  

The main positive of all?  I am finally in a position where I can consider influencing anything without being dictated by the devil of anxiety.

Best wishes
Al

So...

Hi all

I said I'd report back.

So, I said in my previous blog that I was meeting this lady that I had originally met online again today.  Sadly, last night she messaged me saying that she 'seemed to be getting close to another friend' and left it up to me as to whether we met up or not.  I said no, given that I don't want to be in competition with another guy that clearly I would lose (see last blog).  

So bang goes another dream.  I was anyway, but this has emphasised my need to prepare for my life alone.  Only will taking abrasive action change the current direction of my life - and it starts now.

Best wishes
Al

Hello, date. I am an anxiety sufferer and have a super low opinion of myself.

Okay, so I've never actually tried to introduce myself with this chat up line at any of the dates I have recently been on, but perhaps that would have shown me to be, at least, comfortable in my own reality.

As I wrote in my blog on Christmas Eve last year (why I chose this topic for then I do not know), I have spent the last year online dating.  I signed up to an online dating site for six months and then had a brief hiatus before signing up to another site for a further six months.  This came to a conclusion at the end of July.  So I had twelve months to go out on a multitude of dates, putting it about like the way societal pressure demands that I should do.  Alas no - six months and six dates in total, three with the same person that ended, well, in a drunken stupor four days before Christmas  Ahhh... that's why I blogged about this on Christmas Eve...

I don't know about you, but mine has J, K and L...
and then colon, not speech marks?!

Anyway, that particular experience, where, to save you reading the previous blog, I had dated a closet drunk for two and a half dates without noticing, could have been enough to put me off online dating forever.  I mean, in that first six months, I'd only met this one girl, or should I say, only this one girl wanted to meet with me, despite me contacting several girls (I won't say how many) during this time and getting 'X viewed your profile' but no return of message.  And yes, I know you're thinking it - why this particular girl wanted to meet with me was probably because she was smashed off her knackers whilst reading my profile.

What I did say in my Christmas Eve blog was that online dating "has also given me a little more overall confidence.  Confidence that to some women I might be vaguely interesting.  Confident to feel a little more proud of who I am and confident that I can potentially find someone if I persist."  I think perhaps this was a 'reflection a few days after finally having a few dates, but not too soon so that the vision of the nightmare evening of said final date was still in my head' quote - in other words, I was happy that finally someone had found me interesting, even though it didn't ultimately work out, so overall my confidence had risen temporarily.  Actually, just over seven months on, I would say that my confidence in terms of how I feel women perceive me has, if anything, declined more compared to where it was over a year ago when I first started this adventure.  The main reason that I went online was to find someone to ultimately settle down with, but one of the subsidiary reasons was to beef up my meagre confidence.  This hasn't happened medium-term.

So what's changed in the past six months or so?  Well, I went on two dates, one in around April and one in June.  The first one was with a girl who lived an hour and a half train ride away, and alas the train was cancelled.  So that wasn't the best of starts.  When I finally arrived, I found someone who seemed interested in me and happy to be in my company - an achievement in itself for someone with my lack of confidence - but there was a lot of forcing going on.  Before you interpret that wrongly, I mean in terms of conversation.  We'd ran out of things to say about halfway through, which makes it difficult from then on.

At this point, I will say that this is something I'm absolutely terrible at.  I've touched on this in recent blogs.  Because my confidence is low in social situations, and because the opinion of myself is quite low generally, I don't tend to talk about my life.  I feel that it doesn't not conform to the social norm and is 'emptier' and 'less interesting' as a result.  I don't have lots of hobbies and I haven't been to lots of countries.

Therefore I have less to talk about in the first place, and what I could talk about (my love for walking, cycling, buying a house, work, writing this blog(!) etc) I tend to only touch on then move on as I fear I will bore them. Yes - the irony is that doing this means longer periods of silence which actually leads me to appear more boring than I ever could by talking about the things I avoided talking about in the first place.

Thanks, anxiety, for this psychological labyrinth of utter bilge.

Anyway, back to the date. As I said it was okay, but not something either of us wanted to pursue I don't think.  Ultimately, though, as I was on my train journey back I thought to myself "three or more years ago I could have barely carried out the train journey, let alone gone out on a date," which gave me the perspective that I needed to carry on.

So I did, and after linking up online with another girl we met after the usual email exchanges and I thought the date went well.  Clearly she didn't after subsequent radio silence, but still I counted it as another tick in the box.

One thing I should also mention at this point is some advice for anyone thinking of utilising online dating sites. Be prepared to spend wasting a lot of time. When I say waste time, I mean by contacting people who haven't even been online for months and are no longer using their account.  Annoyingly, one of the dating sites I used didn't even tell you when the person last logged into their account.  I also didn't like the preliminaries - by that, I mean the emails, the compatibility questions, the winking and smiling. I understand the need for them but I'd rather a girl learn that I have nothing to say when I meet them face to face, rather than via email. Ultimately it's just a mask and textual contact can go on for weeks if you're not careful.  I don't think there is a good time for one to say 'shall we meet up' as it will vary from person to person, but by the end of the experience I probably started to insinuate meeting up too early because I was losing interest in the red, vaguely heart-shaped tape.

Anyway, my final date happened only last week.  I met this girl online who, following various subsequent emails, seemed to be more my sort of person. We could actually sustain reasonable conversation, which continued even when we met.  It was about topics that I would never dream of raising myself, which in a bizarre way bodes well.  It may be because she's not actually English, which, based on my close-to-being-a-rant blog not long ago, is probably why we connected better. To the point where I'm seeing her again this weekend. 

Now before you get carried away with your overwhelming positivity, it is still extremely early days and who knows where this will lead. Nowhere... friendship,,, more...? One thing I need to stop doing is over-analysing the situation and take it as it comes.  For if anyone is not an expert in relationships it is moi - so what's the point in analysing?  That said, had I been writing this blog two weeks ago, I would have dissuaded anyone with my sort of history of confidence issues and anxiety from using online dating.  As rather than it being a confidence booster, a lot of the time it was a confidence floor-er.  I've mentioned the six dates I've been on - that's negligible in comparison to the amount of girls I actually contacted.  That doesn't make you feel good.  Maybe my recent date will make me change my mind and say it was all worth it, but for now I can't guarantee that.  I'll keep you posted (you lucky things).

Either way, if you are thinking about it and have similar issues to me, tread with caution and an open mind.  And like me, just be grateful you can actually go out on a date without having a nervous breakdown, which as I said earlier, is not something I could have done a few years ago.

In your face, anxiety.

Best wishes
Al

Social anxiety - but is it all my fault?

Hi all

My previous blog, where I outlined that I believe that my future lies outside of this country, is being strengthened by the day, not least following the recent EU referendum result.  Far be it from me to focus this blog away from mental health and anxiety and onto politics for any length of time, but this recent result has turned this country into chaos, of that no-one can argue.  Maybe it is because I'm getting older (I recently "celebrated" my 29th birthday) but I genuinely believe this country is changing for the worse.  Couple that with my social pressures and own personal issues that, if they play out, could result in a very lonely future, and my craving to go somewhere else is getting greater by the day.

Being plagued by a swarm of arrows doesn't help either

On top of this, I believe that somewhere on earth lies a place when one can feel accepted, comfortable and at ease with any company.  Where everyone is open-minded and willing to respect everyone else who walks into their pub, social circle, school or workplace.  Perhaps this is fallacy, because this sort of atmosphere is not something I have ever come across living here.  I feel that I am always being judged, which, yes, is a feeling partly exacerbated by social anxiety but also a result of the British way of socialising - competition and disregard for those who don't "fit" the conventional psyche or fashion.  As much as this 'being judged' feeling could just be my paranoia (as a result of anxiety), I do believe the British way of socialising is not conducive to a) me generally and b) people with anxiety or whose anxiety has affected their social comfort, as in my case today.

Even before anxiety really started kicking in way back in 1997, even at primary school I never truly "fitted in;" I've always been a quiet outsider, found it difficult to make friends and had less confidence as a result.  Why this was the case I don't know; upbringing possibly, being an only child and maybe just who I am, but that's so far gone now it's irrelevant.  Then, when the anxiety did kick in (which, in part, may have been because socialising was so hard!), this made socialising even more difficult and as such most of my life has been spent relying on a small group of friends, most of whom I am fortunate to say are still in my life now.  The problem is, because my life has been ravaged by anxiety, this has done two things: 1) made my social opportunities today limited, as a result of the inability to make lots of friendships back when everyone else does (the education years), and 2) make forging new connections and making new friends very difficult, especially when I have to force the issue.  Obviously, anxiety for me today is far less of a day-to-day issue gladly, but the legacy remains.

I'm focusing primarily on (2) for the purposes of this blog.  I will reiterate - I have a select few who are very good friends. I know some people can't say this but fortunately I can.  I rely on them heavily for my social interaction, given that I have a very small family and no (prospective of) a relationship.  Naturally, as we get older, opportunities to socialise with these friends will become less (see last blog) so meeting new people is more crucial than ever.  The same goes for relationships of course, but (again, see last blog) the likelihood of this is so low that it's almost irrelevant mentioning it.  If I find it difficult meeting new people generally, what chance have I got in forging a relationship?

So why is it that I find it so difficult to make new friendships, and why is it that I am awkward in social situations even with people I've known for some time?  Why do I feel like I'm boring the person I'm with?  That I'm uninteresting?  That it's forced and hard work?  Here are my musings - and apologies for the sweeping generalisations.

1) The British social way that I outlined above.  Some social occasions are so analytical; people have high expectations that everything has to go just-so.  I don't understand this perspective and simply prefer to go out for a good laugh.  Apparently that's too simplistic.

2) The British materialism.  In my 'wannabe' middle-class town, all people seem to talk about is weddings, children, travelling, skiing, hang-gliding and generally other things associated with wealth.  I don't want to talk about things like this (and couldn't anyway).  Maybe if I hadn't had years of anxiety I'd be in more of a position to talk about these sorts of things, but in a way I'm glad I don't. I like being different.  Perhaps this is one positive that anxiety has brought about. However, being different is, for me, apparently seen as being dull.

3) Drink. I like real ales and tend to have a few of such when I go out.  But drinking is endemic in British social activity and again, if drinking excessively isn't involved things are perceived as dull.  Moreover, if I'm not drinking (as much) then people see me as dull.  Then everyone around you gets drunk and you're sober.  I'd still rather be this person than one of the drunkards, but it just makes for an uncomfortable (at best) evening.

4) Confidence I.  I've blogged a number of times that anxiety has affected my confidence in some ways, socially being the main one from a negative perspective.  Because I've had limited opportunities in my life to do things that are perceived as interesting I am perceived as dull (see (2)) and I can't make my life seem interesting - because of lack of confidence.  It's a vicious circle. 

5) Confidence II. This dullness is further exacerbated by a thought process I go through in social situations - I now notice when I think I'm being dull, e.g. when the other person looks away, yawns, or generally doesn't show much interest. Therefore I stop talking altogether, leading to uncomfortable silences, and overall, more dullness.  To the point where, now, I don't talk about things that I think people will find dull, like my job, or my house, or how many hours I slept (or not) last night.  And so ensues awkward silences.

Again I emphasise that I'm generalising and the fact remains that I do have friends who still like meeting up with me and they are very close to me, and are of course like-minded in many ways.  But throw me into a setting where there are new people (or even people I'm not 100% comfortable with), or, again, dare I mention building relationships, I feel useless, regardless as to whether I'm actually useless or not.  

So to go back to the start - I do believe that there is a place where numbers one to three above are less of an issue; where folk are accepted and where socialising is simply about enjoying the company of people, rather than playing games.  Where people are less materialistic and not smashed out of their heads more often than not.  If this were the case, numbers four and five would surely become things that would naturally be easier to overcome.  People would express more interest in me, simply because I was different and not the same.  Here, in this current society, unless you are the same, or have enough of a left-field talent that makes you cool to be different, you're automatically an outcast.  Throw into the mix anxiety, scenarios such as the one outlined in my last blog become reality.

Then of course there is social media, which provides a constant, permanent platform to vomit all of this materialism.  There's no escape.  That's why I recently deleted my Facebook profile and stick with the theme of mental health on my Twitter account, i.e., utilising social media for (hopefully) something useful instead of a podium to shout about my life.  

So yes, I do believe that years of anxiety is the cause of much of my social angst, but I also believe that the culture of social activity in this society does not help.  It's far too complicated and analytical for my liking, and my want to remove myself from this current situation in a few years time is emphasised by this.  I need to find somewhere with belonging - any suggestions gratefully received. 

Best wishes
Al

The future's not bright, unlike the sunlight

Hi all

There's nothing like a warm, sunny, summer day to bring you all back down to earth with a bump - or indeed, back indoors out of the way of this sort of weather which does nothing for me but stir up anxiety and feelings of general lowness (I have inverse SAD).

If you're reading this blog indoors and the weather outdoors is glorious sunshine I empathise - I'm the one typing the damn thing.  I'm also typing this in my bedroom with the blackout curtains closed to prevent the room getting too hot, with a LED USB light plugged into my laptop so I can see the keyboard.  So yes, I'm sitting in a dark room whilst the sun is shining outside writing a blog about my bleak future.  The irony is not lost on me.

This is more like it

I often feel lonely and morose when the sun is out.  It makes me feel that I should be out there enjoying it too, joining in with the fun and frolics that everyone else seems to be having.  Letting it all hang out whilst not giving a crap if any of their hanging out bits get burnt.  Summer is a time we Brits love.  Unless you're me.  Summer, this weather in particular, brings about an acute lowness in my mood, as all it does is remind how I've got no-one to enjoy it with.  Couple that with Sunday afternoon's, the part of the week that time forgot, a time when I'm usually on my own watching football on the TV (something else you can't do in summer), a time when I'm normally at my lowest anyway, and you get... well, a blog like this.

Any frequent readers of my blogs will now know a reasonable amount about me and the anxiety condition which has dominated my life to date, including the fact that it dominated my school and university life and made it impossible to do the things that "normal" people do - like enjoy myself.  It also made it hard to make friendships and nigh-on impossible to build relationships.  I'm fortunate that the friends I have made are a) both very close friends and b) mostly still local - at the moment.

And at the moment things are okay.  Despite sitting in a dark room whilst everyone else barbecues themselves, things are okay.  I have a job I enjoy, people I enjoy working with and that keeps me occupied enough to dominate my week. I have enough of the aforementioned friends around to keep my social life, whilst not rich, adequate.  I enjoy my own space more than I used to and have learnt to embrace this sort of time through walking, cycling and the like.  But even now, I fear I am losing out, largely due to being a singleton with a lack of confidence, ability or opportunity to meet 'that' someone who most other people my age seem to take for granted.  Or if they are single, it's because they want to be.  

Whilst I'm content with being single at the moment, my life in five years time does not look so good.  I will still be single.  People can say what they like - friends will try and cheer me up by saying this is untrue, that I will find the right person, yadda yadda.  The first person who said that to me was when I was 19, and here I am nearly ten years later still single. Surprise surprise.  I will, in fact, still be single. Anyone who had had my relationship history (or lack of it) would believe the same, regardless of what other people tell you.  Pluto, Jupiter and Venus have aligned with the Aquarius constellation at some point in 673AD meaning that I will always be single. Being single in five years time itself isn't a problem and indeed could make my life easier (!), but when combining it with the other likely changes outlined below, makes it part of a bigger issue.

For a start, in five years time I'll be nearly 34.  Dear God.  That means things like having children are starting to become more urgent, if they are to happen. I'm not even sure I want kids at the present moment, but it would be nice to have the choice.  

Secondly, the friends that I currently socialise will have moved away or be forever entwined with their spouses.  In other words, my already light (but acceptable) social life will become lighter still and weekends will be spent even more alone.  

Thirdly, my current job is hanging by a thread.  If I lose this job, I lose working with great people - something that, realistically, I would find hard to replace (I've been lucky so far in this respect) and I will almost certainly have to replace this job with working in a sector I enjoy less.  UK readers of this blog may have noticed that the environment and sustainability isn't exactly top priority under the current government, and jobs in this sector are declining.  I can't do a specialist Masters degree now - which could help to solve both my employment and social problems - because I own a house and couldn't afford to keep up the payments. So in all likelihood I'd have to get a job doing something else entirely, which would mean that my busy yet usually enjoyable weeks become busy and... well, less enjoyable.

On top of all of this, as I mentioned a while ago in a previous blog, a lot of other things I value in life are being scrapped and not replaced, again largely thanks to the government.  And this whilst living in a town where I've lived for all 29 years of my life which is becoming unrecognisable through its economic and demographic decline.

And ultimately, wrongly or rightly, I blame years of anxiety for much this.  Okay, so maybe not the political stuff, but certainly the social.  Most young person's social life these days is so rich that being on their own by the time they're 28 would probably be welcome.  Many of them will have naturally met their long-term partner, or at least been in a long-term relationship.  Many will have travelled the world.  And regardless of all that more material stuff, many will have at least been able to enjoy themselves, especially if they were fortunate enough to have a relatively-speaking privileged upbringing like me.  Sadly, anxiety destroyed these opportunities for me and has battered my confidence and self-worth in the process.

So, in what is probably the most pessimistic blog in history, I see my life in five years' time as a fairly lonely and depressing (note I've not used this term lightly until this point) place to be.

That is, of course, unless I intervene.  I have been considering what sort of interventions to take.  I've already taken some, let's not forget, during the lifetime of this blog (four years), including:
- Switching jobs to gain more experience, meet new people etc.
- Moving to two shared houses for new social experiences.
- Buying a new house as I move into adulthood to make the most of my own space.
- Started online dating to try and defy the 673AD lining of the planets.

All but the latter have had limited success and generated happiness, but generally only temporarily.   What other interventions could I take up?  A hobby?  I'm nearly 29, not a schoolchild or semi-retired, but still, it's an option.  Go to the pub more?  Possibly - such things may become necessary - but I think only a bigger intervention will suffice to prevent my five year forward look becoming a sad reality.  Something like emigrating to another country and starting afresh.  Putting this country, this town, my anxiety, all of what I believe is holding me back, behind me for good.  Taking a one way plane ticket to 'Somewhere-else-land' and not coming back. Somewhere more becoming and accepting of my personality.  Somewhere where I feel like I fit in.  All I would leave behind of value here are my small family and friends, many of whom I probably wouldn't see much of in five years time anyway if the above scenario plays out.  The older I get, the more I think that permanently jetting off is the only option.  

Despite this blog coming somewhat out of the blue, this scenario is not something I've only just thought about.  I've realised I don't belong here for some time now, and have a want to try and find where I do belong.  

I'd love for my pessimism to be wrong, for once.  The only time it has been wrong before was when I applied for my latest job two and a half years ago - I didn't think I'd get it, but I did.  Aside from that, most scenarios in adulthood that I've chosen or had to face have panned out more or less as expected, whether that's positively or negatively.  So I do trust my own judgement fairly well.  Which is why I feel that the only way my pessimism will be wrong is if I take the bull by the horns and make the big intervention in a few years time.  Even whilst typing this blog, it is becoming more appealing in my mind.

For now, I continue in this soulless place, clinging on to the positives that do remain - my friends, my job etc - and hope that something comes out of the blue.  And I don't mean the sun.

Talking of which, you can go back outside now and enjoy it.

Best wishes
Al