Dates

So I can officially announce that I have been on an online dating site since July. 

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!....

....says someone online dating with an 18 year history of anxiety.

So why have I done it?  Many factors, both demographically, logistically, and anxietally... (there's a new word for you):

1) The town where I live contains 116 men for every 100 women and is in the top ten in terms of towns in the UK with the highest ratio of men to women.  So that doesn't bode well for starters.

It's Christmas, don't you know

2) I know how 35 different couples met.  Of these, 31 met through either work, school or university.  The latter two have long since gone, and whilst, for me, meeting someone through work is a possibility, the nature of my job renders it very unlikely.  I work in a team of only three other people (two from January!) and they are all married (and older, and one is male... you get the idea).  I run a lot of events which attract many people but I'm too busy running round like a tit in a trance to consider who might take my fancy in the audience!  So meeting someone via these seemingly usual channels for me seems unlikely or impossible.  Of the four couples I know who didn't meet in one of these ways, two met online.

3) My confidence has been shot thanks to years of anxiety.  On the rare occasion I grow to like someone, I don't have the ability to ask them out anyway.  At least online you can hide behind the mask of this and appear fairly confident, as much as emails can do this anyway!  Anxiety has also made me look at myself as a boring, uninteresting person with a lack of self-esteem - again resulting in talking to someone I like very hard.

4) I want to find someone.  I've blogged many times recently about loneliness and how this is already starting to creep in, and more importantly how I feel isolation for me will only get more severe the older I get.  Reasons 1-3 render finding someone unlikely so to try and eradicate these feelings of loneliness I considered online dating to be my only option (rightly or wrongly).

5) To test myself.  Whichever way you look at it, meeting someone for the first time after only relatively brief conversation online is a rather daunting experience.  Having gone through my 50 sessions of CBT for my anxiety condition in 2011-12 and since then having moved into two shared houses, bought my own house, moved jobs and improved vastly in other smaller ways, such as the ability to eat out with friends, I knew the one key thing I'd yet to crack - or get anywhere near to doing so - was meeting a partner.  So I felt the only way to be able to test my ability to do this in the face of my anxiety condition, and to experience 'adult' dating, was to force the issue.  I'll come back to this shortly.

Despite it being nearly six months since I first signed up online, I have only been out on three dates in that time, all with the same person.  I had spent four months of total frustration, emailing several women who I felt I'd like to converse with further (none from my male dominated town) and with the few who did respond initially the conversations still seemed to wither.  On the only two occasions prior to my actual date that I got round to asking to meet the girl, they politely didn't respond.  This, of course, is not a good feeling for someone with already a fragile confidence on such issues.  So of course, when I finally arranged to meet with a girl who I seemed to have a connection with, my confidence improved a little.  Especially given that she had 'favourited' me in the first place.

Incidentally, I'm not going to go into the politics of online dating - this is a separate blog on its own.  Sufficient is it to say that I don't really understand it.  What do women think of 'winking' (please read this carefully)? What to put in your profile? In an email? When to arrange to meet? When to give out your phone number? I can safely say I haven't learnt the answers to any of these. Ladies, feel free to help me out.

Anyway back to the story.  So I arranged to meet this girl, and overall the date was successful.  Granted, I'd deem 'successful' as being able to get on the bus (remember, I don't drive thanks to years of anxiety) and actually arrive at the destination, let alone go through with the date.  But despite the expected anticipatory anxious feelings - which I handled pretty well!! - the date was good.  We chatted about a lot of things and we were quite relaxed, despite me being thrown light years outside of my comfort zone.  Remember, this is not dating someone I've already begun to know or who was a friend first.  This is someone I've seen a few photos of with some trivial textual based information, meeting her in a town 20+ miles away from my own.  Me with anxiety.  So I deem this experience as a successful one.

Even more so because we arranged to meet again a week later, this time over lunch and a mooch around a local-ish tourist attraction.  Lunch would have been impossible a few years ago, so the fact I managed to eat something with no major hitch is the first tick in the box.  I wasn't sure after this second date whether we would continue seeing each other because at this early stage I couldn't tell whether there was a proper potential relationship brewing between us.  But alas, we agreed to meet again, and this time she was to come to my home town and we would go to a traditional pub first for a meal and then to watch a gig by one of my best friends (also my tenant) at said pub.  It was something I would have gone to anyway, so it offered me the opportunity to provide her with more of an insight into my life whilst hopefully discovering more about her.

The start was more of the same - a little uneasy between us but overall okay and chatting, followed by another successful meal.  What followed, however, was not expected.  She got totally annihilated by alcohol.  Perhaps this shouldn't have come as a shock, given that she had talked a significant amount about alcohol since we first met; I just assumed it was to make her come across as interesting, because that's the only reason I ever talk about 'alcohol related incidents' (of which there a few involving me, and if they do involve me it's usually someone else that was drunk).  But this was our third date, and by the end she was barely coherent.  Other things happened too, which I won't go into.  I had to almost literally drag her back to my house and put her into bed.  The worrying thing is that we didn't know each other that well - for all she knew, I could have been planning this all along and many guys would have grasped at the chance to be with a girl who, lets say, was offering them anything they wanted.  

But the main concern for me was that this is normal behaviour for her.  I knew this, one because of the amount of time she referred to past alcohol-fuelled nights, as previously mentioned.  Two, because she basically admitted to me that this was actually a fairly quiet night for her and should I not have dragged her home, she would have carried on drinking somewhere else. Three, she wasn't hungover the morning after - suggesting her body is used to this extent of binge.

I, however, am not used to this, nor would I want to be.  I spent much of my life unable to drink anything (due to the physical effects of anxiety, surprise surprise) so I've learnt to enjoy social occasions without the need to drink.  I do drink sometimes now, but in moderation. It's not even the getting drunk I'm bothered about, it's all the factors that went with it.  Again, I won't go into the details.  And as I said, the main concern was the fact she considered this to be normal behaviour, and my other concern is how many other people of both sexes consider this behaviour to be normal?  My naivety knows no bounds, clearly.

I spent the night (in a separate bed) barely able to sleep, my heart thumping.  Anxiety-wise, it was one of the most difficult nights I've experienced for a long time (although nothing compared to my panic attack dominated days years ago, I must emphasise).  My mind was racing - what happens now?  Fortunately, I had the guts to at least speak to her the morning after and rather than blame her I just said that I didn't think I could make her happy from a social perspective.  And that's true, as I'm sure some guys (most guys?) would be more than happy to get smashed with her and do whatever they want with her (which in my book equals disrespecting her). What I actually wanted to say to her was that I am deeply concerned that she is going to ruin her life by depending so much on alcohol and drinking that heavily (and 'socially smoking' when she has been drinking, something else I can't tolerate - although that's just my bugbear I appreciate).  Fortunately, my friend who was gigging at the venue backed me up.  You'd expect this given he's a friend anyway, but he's also honest and would have told me if I was over-reacting.  

And it is a real shame, for she was a very nice person - interesting and ambitious. She's currently in the process of setting up her own business, which is admirable.  But had you been me, with my history, in my position that night, all of this would have paled into insignificance. It's difficult to write about this experience without sounding like I am blaming her, or disrespecting her - who knows what circumstances she has had to go through in life up to now.  And I'm also not trying to say that the relationship would have worked anyway, as getting close to someone like me with anxiety can't be easy either.  I suppose I am just shocked at how different social lifestyles can have such a significant impact on people's overall livelihoods.  And again, my naivety in terms of what people enjoy doing socially knows no bounds.

It did allow me to learn from the experience though, and despite what happened, I now feel more confident about what to look for, how dating should feel, and what I want.

And, despite the lack of success with the general online dating experience so far, it has also given me a little more overall confidence.  Confidence that to some women I might be vaguely interesting.  Confident to feel a little more proud of who I am and confident that I can potentially find someone if I persist.  

However, it has also made me realise what a hard task this is - and it still feels like I'm forcing the issue.  The experience with my date didn't help with this - the whole thing always seemed forced and I wonder, still, how 'natural' a relationship can feel when you're ultimately forced together online.  My six month subscription has just ended and I haven't renewed, but this isn't necessarily the end.  And now I've opened up about this on here, I will keep you updated.  Deep joy, I hear you cry.

I'd like to conclude by wishing all readers a fantastic Christmas and a prosperous New Year.  I know this can be a difficult time of year for many people and my thoughts are with you.  Lets hope 2016 is a better one for all of us.

Best wishes
Al

Everything I value is being battered

Hi all

I've been a bit down lately.  I think this coincides with a slow social spell, shall we say, in terms of not doing a lot out of work hours, that doesn't involve being on my own.  I am so much better these days at enjoying and appreciating my own company; one of the big positives about buying my house back in June was that I get more of this now and less uncomfortable-ness or stress sharing with other people.  But it doesn't alter the fact that it becomes increasingly distressing when I see most of my friends and those closest to me, whether by choice or design, in seemingly happy relationships, with their future all set out in front of them.  I have, rightly or wrongly, resigned myself to the fact that I am one of the few people seemingly not destined to find my 'special someone' who I ultimately settle down with.  I don't believe there is someone for everyone, I believe there is someone for everyone else. 

Battered fish... what do you mean 'the pics are getting less relevant?'

So, without a partner to share my life with and without any family locally apart from my parents (and with no brothers, sisters or cool aunties), I am, and always have been, reliant on my friends to provide me with a social life and interaction.  For you see, whilst being on my own is something I'm these days better at tolerating, and even enjoying, I still need interaction, especially in the dark evenings, to keep my mind from wandering to anxious thoughts.  And, without using the word carelessly, to stop thinking depressing thoughts about my future - being alone.  Plus the fact I do enjoy times with my friends!

Having had anxiety throughout the majority of school and University life, my confidence in many social situations has been battered.  It's also meant that making friends back in those days wasn't easy.  So I only have a few friends I can call upon.  Yes, they are truly fantastic people, a core of true, 'real' friends whom I wouldn't change for the world.  And, although quality not quantity generally stands, in this case it would be nice just to have a few more friends in the local area that I can call upon to fulfil my social palate.  It can be a challenge just to get someone out for a drink on a Saturday evening, particularly these days when all of these people are too busy enjoying their seemingly richer, fuller lives.

What all of this means is that I have learnt to value 'other' things in life.  I may have only done this in the past couple of years, when I should have done it a lot sooner, and not have been ashamed of doing it, but still - better late than never.  By 'other' things, I mean those things that don't include relationships, something that I don't have, and social occurrences, something which happen infrequently for me. I have blogged about these things a few times before, and how I must value them more and more.  The problem is, quite literally all of these things - and more - are being battered in some form or another. 

1) Buses.  I've been moaning for a while now that the council and the bus company - kind of a combined effort - that provided a bus to my parents' village has, as of 5 Sept this year, been cut.  This has caused now nearly three months of distress to many vulnerable people and no-one, to put it simply, has given a shit.  From a selfish point of view, I have mentioned before how I actually enjoyed catching this bus, because I knew so many of the people and the bus drivers who used to drive the route.  It was like a warm, friendly community which I enjoyed being a part of whenever I stayed at my parents place.  This has, quite literally, been ripped apart by this rash and poorly considered decision.  

2) Swimming. One of the best decisions I have made in the last five or so years was to take up swimming, for both the exercise (physical and mental I hasten to add) and because I have met some really great people here.  We're going for our third consecutive Christmas meal in a month's time which says it all (notwithstanding a Christmas 'meal' isn't something I could have done anyway much longer ago than that - see previous blogs!)  However, swimming is fast become a farce.  It is getting busier and busier and is filled with a huge number of inconsiderate people who swim wherever they bloody well like and sod the rest.  I have to slalom my six feet four frame through this splurdge of disrespectful folk - at best.  Sometimes it's impossible to pass at all.  To the point where, to swim properly and without getting angry at how so many people can have so little compassion, I am considering going to swim somewhere nearer to my workplace just to get away from it.  But in doing so, I leave behind my friends.  It's really disappointing that it has got to this.

3) University.  Although I finished University 7.5 years ago, I still go back to the campus quite often to help out with, for example, providing talks to students on my career since Uni and judging graduate dissertation presentations.  Through whoever I've been working for, I also host a student placement each year from the department.  As such, I get on very well with the lecturers and have a very good laugh with a few of them, one in particular who was my dissertation tutor in final year.  Guess what.  The department's staff is being cut by 20% - he might be one who leaves - and there is even the threat it's closed completely.  

4) Work.  Sadly, the Government don't care remotely about environmental sustainability.  As such, my job is currently under moderate threat.  Not only is one of my biggest passions in life, protecting the environment, at risk of being neglected, but I may not have a job fairly soon unless I change tack completely.  Apart from the obvious stress (anxiety?) unemployment would bring, it would also mean removing myself from my work colleagues, who are all brilliant people.  I have become part of real team over the past couple of years in this new (ish) job and this is very important to me given my circumstances.  Yes, of course there is always a chance I will get this again in a new job, but being realistic, it would be hard to replicate.

5) Walking. This is more long term, but given various issues, walking in the incredibly beautiful surrounding areas of where I live may become a rarer and less enjoyable thing if various things conspire against our environment - because as I mention above, people don't care about it.  See this blog for my fairly recent rant about this.

My real worry is that, if all of the above experiences either decline or disappear, coupled with my lack of a relationship and friends who ultimately, eventually, will probably move away and become less available to socialise, I am going to be left scrabbling for very rare glimpses of enjoyment.  What really makes me sad is that, when I was surrounded by plentiful opportunities for socialising, especially at University, I couldn't take advantage of them because of crippling anxiety.  Moreover, this probably prevented me from sparking up that relationship with that 'special someone' and puts me in the position I find myself in now.  Now I'm in a place where I could enjoy more social activity, sustain a relationship and appreciate the above list more, the ultimate irony is that everything that does exist is crumbling to the ground around me and things that don't are looking less likely than ever to start up.

Sometimes it really is hard not to blame anxiety for how life pans out.  This is one of those times.

Best wishes
Al

Commuting Chaos

Hi all

Commuting is something we all do.  Technically, if we walk downstairs from the bedroom to the kitchen, we're commuting, in a sense of leaving A and getting to B.  The only time I would argue against this theory is if you're out for a walk with no destination in mind - but even then, I imagine you'd like to end up back at home at some point.

Normal day at my railway station.

But of course, walking downstairs from the bedroom to the kitchen, sometimes calling via the lounge, is not something that generally stresses one out.  Commuting in the form that we understand it, i.e. leaving the house to go to work, on the other hand, can be a nightmare.  For someone with anxiety, going to wherever you're going to isn't what is frightening you - it's what happens on the way that you are concerned with.  

I've been commuting by train for work now for what will be two years this coming January.  The train journey is between 32 and 45 minutes (depending on whether I take the local or faster service) one way, so I spent at least an hour and five minutes per weekday on a train.  And that's when it runs when it should.  

And it's not just the act of getting on the train; it's also the bits either end.  I work in Birmingham, and my commute takes me to New Street station.  You may have heard in the news that it has recently been revamped.  In essence, it now has a glass roof and ticket barriers.  The trains still get delayed.

Anyway, it is a very busy station, especially at rush hour and being in a huge, dark place with hundreds of people dashing about can be very daunting and nerve-racking for someone with anxiety.  It is chaos.  You have people running past you and towards you, in all different directions.  People with suitcases that trip you up. General noise and confusing announcements.  And 25 platforms (12 platforms with a's and b's, and platform 4c is which is halfway to Smethwick).  Where do you start?  Stations of this size are not friendly places and can make the whole experience a splurge of utter nonsense.  I like to go into the station, walk absurdly fast through it, and come out onto the platform (fortunately my trains back usually leave from one of two platforms, so it's not too difficult) without spending any more time than I have to there.  I've yet to see the new glass roof.

Then there are the trains themselves.  Crammed.  Absolutely crammed.  The luggage rack or the toilet is often the best you can get by way of a seat.  The only way you can get a seat is by being rude and getting on the train first, otherwise you've had your chips.  You can try and stand where you think the doors are going to stop but you never get it right.  So you get on the train and have to stand pushed up against other people, many of whom are being ridiculously loud by talking on their phones or having bought their screaming children on board (it was half term last week...)  It is a horrible experience for anyone.  But for someone with anxiety, it's a real test.  It's a panic inducing environment and not a pleasant one.  

Being on a quiet train can be difficult enough - the inability to escape, the pressure of being 'ok' in front of total strangers.  I know this after my panic attack from hell in 2011 which ultimately sparked off the creation of this website.  But when you throw in far too many people, all of whom are in their own worlds pretending that there is no chaos going on around them, and you get total ridiculousness.

The public transport system in our country is absolutely abhorrent.  Anyone that commutes regularly will know this.  And for anxiety sufferers, it has more than just a negative effect on getting somewhere on time.  Just working out which train to get and at what cost can require a PhD.  And thanks to the current austerity culture, it isn't likely to get better anytime soon.  No money to spend on more carriages, more trains and something I would introduce if I was in charge of the rail network - "SILENT ZONES" - which would prevent anyone from making a single sound, let alone 'quiet zones' which are about as effective as using candy floss in an advertisement trying to persuade you to reduce your sugar intake.  Anyone who made a noise faced a £10,000,000 fine.  Which would then be used to fund MORE TRAINS.

MORE TRAINS would also mean fewer cars.  Hows that for stating the obvious?  The town in which I live is quite small, but the road system is notoriously terrible.  It is usually stationary at rush hour (and not at rush hour).  I don't drive (although I did try and learn but had to stop lessons back in 2005 due to multiple panic attacks at the wheel - ohh, anxiety) but having to commute at rush hour by road cannot be any more fun than being on a train.  At least on a train you can read a book or newspaper, play snake (I'm not one for overly modern technology) on your phone etc.  But you have to negotiate your way through thousands of other irate and stressed drivers when driving and keep in control.  At least if you were on a train and lost the plot you wouldn't endanger the lives of others and yourself in quite the same way.  

Our local buses are also being cut, as I've recently been blogging about.  These services provide a lifeline to many people, especially the elderly, who are now facing isolation and loneliness and, of course, the direct impact this will have on their mental health.  It's horrible to think that we live in a world where saving a little bit of money takes priority over the mental wellbeing of hundreds of pensioners.  So in this sense, a stressful commute is better than no commute at all.

Cycling isn't much better, given how poor the quality of our cycle paths are and how inconsiderate some drivers can be to cyclists.  Walking is probably the best option, but working any more than a few miles away from home renders this an unviable option.  

Commuting has a huge impact on our mental health, and not usually for the positive.  As difficult as this is, I would strongly recommend working as close to your house - or better still actually at home - as possible.  I enjoy my job, and what usually spoils my day is the commute there or back, rather than the job itself.

It can have a serious detrimental effect on anxiety sufferers.  It blocks recovery.  It can trigger panic attacks.  This can then have knock-on effects, both at the time (e.g. if you're driving a car) and in the future (i.e. attributing a panic attack to being on a train and then finding it hard to catch another train again).  This is what happened to me.  Thankfully I have overcome the worst of my commuting fear now, but it still mars my day all too often and one can only imagine what someone with anxiety experiences if they walk out into this world of commuting for the first time.  We look upon the powers that be to invest in commuting infrastructure (etc) to improve our experience.

Don't expect this anytime soon.

Best wishes
Al

2005 - 2015: Top Ten Moments

Hi all

I'm publishing this on World Mental Health Day 2015 #WMHD2015 (more by luck than judgement!)

Needless to say, this website can become a platform on which to rant or be negative from time to time.  It is only natural when I'm tackling a subject that has had a rather negative influence on my life, when all is said and done.  The last few months have also thrown up some rather annoying challenges too, so I'm in the mood for a bit of a pick-me-up.  So I thought it was about time I focused on the positives which, I hope, whilst writing will also make me realise that things are actually not that bad at all.

Possibly the least imaginative image on this website

I'm starting from September 2005 and writing up to and including the present day.  September 2005 was when I started University, and given recently I realised with utter disbelief that it has been ten years since that moment, I thought I'd mark the occasion with this blog.  If all this isn't enough to prevent you from containing yourself, I'm going to do a top ten positive moments.  So it's a ten in ten... Wow.


10) The relationship with my family has, if anything, strengthened.

This is partly due to me moving out of home in 2012 (see number 7, 3), partly simply a process of getting older and partly me becoming a less anxious being in the last few years.  It's helped that I've been able to enjoy more things with my parents, e.g. meals out which I couldn't do not too long ago.  Moving out has prevented their annoying ways seem less annoying because I can live largely in blissful ignorance around them.  And I think my dad has mellowed as a person (slightly) since retiring.  All of this has helped, and I now sometimes view seeing my parents as a social event rather than a chore.  Sometimes...!  

My only other family I see on any regularity - once every couple of months - is my nan, her son (my uncle) who has Williams Syndrome and my Aunt's son (my cousin) who has severe autism and was starved of oxygen at birth rendering him unable to talk.  My aunt and my mum don't get on so she tends to stay away but she sends her son down - they live almost next door to each other.  It's a very bizarre and difficult situation as you can imagine - one I haven't gone into in much detail on this blog - and one that selfishly concerns me in terms of what might happen in the future.  But overall, my relationship with them has improved too, and my role in that family dysfunction is the person to come and generate a lighter mood - now that I am more able to do so.

Lesson: "Respect your parents; don't expect anyone else to support you" (Baz Luhrmann in the song 'Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen' from 2000 which I would recommend you listening to!)

9) I got a new job, still in an area of interest.

This relates closely to number 4, but it worth mentioning separately for three main reasons: 1) Igniting a significant change in the life of someone with chronic anxiety is always a risk and as number 4 shows I have managed to negotiate this fairly well. 2) I had to go to an interview in order to get this job.  I had never done a formal interview before; the graduate scheme I talk about in number 4 was just an informal meeting and the interview for the job at the council I had for 5.5 years previous was with people I'd already been working with for 6 months, so didn't really count.  So this was an altogether more daunting experience.  I had to practice many of my CBT techniques - rationalisation, breathing, planning etc etc - in order to get through it relatively unscathed, but I must have done okay because they hired me!  3) My current job involves a one hour railway commute a day.  Three+ years ago I could not have done this, especially after the worst incident of my life (see number 1).  So being able to do this has also been hugely rewarding.

Lesson: CBT can significantly help with change and with difficult situations, like in this case an interview.  I would certainly recommend it for anxiety "sufferers."  

8) I have learnt to appreciate exercise and the outdoors more.

This may seem superfluous, but this is crucial and one that I am grateful for discovering. An Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty is practically on my doorstep.  Even now that I live in the town centre, it's still only about 4 miles away, which for someone who loves walking and walks at a relative 900 mph, doesn't take me that long to get there.  As I type this, I've just got in from a walk with a friend at said area.  I ensure that I go for a good walk at least once a week, get away from the town and walk in the beautiful surroundings that I'm lucky to be near to.  It honestly does calm your mind and takes you away from reality for a while, as well as, of course, being great for you physically.  I don't run or take part in competitive sports - doing PE as a lanky teenager at high school traumatised me and put pay to ever doing anything like that - but for anyone with anxiety I would strongly recommend walking to stimulate peace.  

I've also been going swimming for nearly seven years.  I nearly had to give this up when I was going through my lowest spell in 2011, as doing such exercise raised my heart rate which prompted me to have a panic attack, but I stuck with it and now I couldn't live without going swimming twice a week.  It's logistically a pain, because I have to go out of my way and get up at 6am to cram it in before my commute to work, but it's worth it, again for the exercise but also for the hilarious people - and now friends - I have met there.  And again, it's something I can do at my own pace without any pressure.

Lesson: Walk. Anywhere.

7) I bought a house.

This is the most recent of the achievements listed here, having only occurred in June just gone.  Buying a house hadn't even crossed my mind four years ago.  A year ago I was beginning to consider it, but never would have thought it would have actually happened a year on.  My circumstances are fortunate, in that one of my good friends lives with me and, although he is away a fair bit, I am now more comfortable in my own company, something which my shared house experiences have allowed me to do (see number 3).  I was also lucky to find a place which couldn't be much more ideal, location or quality wise - and that I live in a town where house prices are not extortionate.  Despite the hassle that buying brings, it is very much worth it, and I'd certainly recommend it to someone who is in the fortunate position to buy.

Lesson: Don't think that buying a house has to just be something couples do either, because it doesn't.

6) I have been running a blog for over four years and have made some great Twitter friends.

This may seem like another superfluous moment, but I'm glad I developed this website.  It started in June 2012, just two months after I'd moved into my first shared house (see 3).   I felt that I was in a position where I wanted to share with anyone who would listen about my experiences with both anxiety itself and the therapy I had received.  I didn't necessarily expect I'd still be writing blogs well over three years later, but I'm glad to have maintained it.  It isn't recognised by anyone in particular but if just a handful of people have got something from it over the years then I'm happy.

Twitter, which I first set myself up on probably about 12-18 months ago, has also been a success, especially in terms of connecting with other people who have been through anxiety, other mental health conditions and experiences a heck of a lot worse than myself.  It's been great to get to know people out there who know what it's all about.  You feel like you are part of a community and a help network which is there when you need it - even though I have not, and am not likely to, meet anyone from this virtual world.  Yes, social media also has a lot to answer for in actually exacerbating mental health conditions too these days, so it's not all great.  But from my perspective, and not taking Twitter too seriously, it has been a great way of sharing, learning, venting (occasionally of course) and helping other people.

Lesson: It's good to talk, especially when people are there to listen.

5) I obtained a degree from University

There were times, whilst at University, that I didn't think I'd be able to finish the course, let alone achieve a good degree mark.  And yet, thanks to a more stable and thus enjoyable third year, I managed to pull round what were relatively poor marks in the first and second years into a good mark by the end.  Even though there was a shed load more work in the third year, my anxiety gave me a rest compared to the previous two, and I was able to focus more, whilst enjoying more social occasions.  As I mentioned, this in itself is an achievement, and then to graduate with a good grade was the cherry on the cake.  I laughed at two years of anxiety hell during University, and I vividly remember saying to myself just after receiving my results, on the way back to the train station to go home: "in your face anxiety."  It was a good feeling.

Lesson: Difficult one, but I guess 'stick at it.'  Ultimately that's what I did because I was scared of quitting.

4) I became a full time employee in an area of interest.

Because of the recession and austerity, there has been some difficulty for young people in the last few years to even get a job, let alone one in a field that they enjoy or that was in some way related to their degree.  As far as work is concerned, I've got lucky.  An unpaid graduate placement, which started me off in June 2008, I only noticed being advertised because a University lecturer flagged it to me specifically.  I had a head start on any other graduates who may have seen it later on.  This then led to my job at the council which I was at for nearly 5.5 years.  And this gave me the experience to apply and get my current job, which I will have been doing for two years in January (see 9).

Work has been a success for me from an anxiety perspective.  Apart from in 2011, when I was going through proper hell, it has been the one thing that hasn't made me particularly anxious, contrary to many people's experience.  Moreover, I have been lucky enough to work with a good bunch of people throughout each job, by and large.  Incidentally, there is still much to do in terms of tackling workplace mental health stigma.  I didn't tell my old employer about my anxiety problems until I almost collapsed on the floor because of it one time, and then I didn't have a choice.  I've never told my current employer.  There is still work to be done on this so it is par for the course to reveal all.

Lesson: Work stress is obviously less if you're working in an area of interest.  I had to work for 7 months without pay to get where I am now... so it can be worth persisting, as long as you can afford to take the temporary financial hit.

3) I have successfully negotiated two shared house situations.

Again, this is something I couldn't have done before CBT (see number 1).  My first shared house experience started in 2012, just as I was coming to the end of my 50 sessions of CBT therapy.  It meant that I started off with a helping hand via my therapist, who guided me through the change.  Then when we finished, I still had the CBT techniques fresh in my mind which helped me get through it.  This first shared house experience wasn't good - 10 months of living with strange (at best), unclean people in a likewise house, with my friend only there every so often due to his career keeping him away.  There were a lot of lonely nights, and had I done this prior to my therapy I doubt I could have hacked 10 months of it.  I also had the balls to move out and back to my parents' house after 10 months, which seemed like a step backwards but was definitely the right move at the time.  The good thing was, I knew that there were better shared house experiences out there.

Sure enough, in September 2013, I moved on again and into another shared house.  This was an altogether much better experience, but provided new challenges for someone with anxiety - social interaction!  I have social anxiety and have had it for as long as I can remember, so sharing a house with friendly and sociable people was a fantastic opportunity, but a daunting one.  It was all about getting the balance right between having enough time on my own and to do things my own way, but embracing the other people where I could.  I was lucky because, along with my close friend, we met two other great people who we got on with very well.  So much so that I stayed there quite happy until May 2015, just before I bought and moved into my own place (see 7).  It was the right time to move; the great people I'd met were also moving on and I started needing (and valuing) my own space more and more, so I knew I had to move.  But overall it was a good experience in both social terms, and in terms of strengthening me as a person more generally.  Even the first 10-month experience achieved this to some extent.

Lesson: After my first bad experience and before my second good experience, I spent ages looking at different shared houses to ensure I picked the right one.  If you're thinking of living in as shared house, I strongly recommend spending the time looking for which one feels most comfortable, whatever that means for you.  Try and meet the existing housemates if you can.

2) I have maintained a core group of very good friends.

This is so important.  Five of this core group of friends to which I allude I have known for a long time, including since 1991 (yes, when we were four), 1998 (x2), 2001 and 2003 i.e. since school.  Others I've known since University days (2008) and there is one I met at work in 2012 along with other top people from my old workplace who I still meet from time to time.  My new work colleagues (2014) are a recent source of consistency too, and they are all great people. Then there are others who I've meant in less typical circumstances, such as university lecturers and bus passengers, many of whom I've known for many years and would still class as friends.  Others have come and gone but there has always been an underlying consistency of my friendship group which I am delighted to have maintained.  I don't know how I would have coped without them, both from a 'coping with mental health' perspective and just generally, and long may these wonderful relationships continue.

Lesson: Value your friendships.  Simple as.

1) I got the help I needed.

This has to be number one, because without it, many of the other top ten entries would not have been possible.  Not only that, but other things people take for granted, such as eating out and catching the train, still wouldn't be possible either without the help I got through CBT back in 2011-12.  As I've blogged about 6 million times before, in 2011 I experienced my worst ever panic attack which lasted 14 hours and started whilst on a train journey back from Cornwall.  This was the worst moment of my life.  But it turned out, ultimately, to be the best, because I knew from this point that I had to seek help and properly this time.  No half measures.  And via Anxiety UK, that's exactly what happened, with a therapist based in Glasgow, via webcam.  Fifty sessions of CBT later, along with time, and I have become a much stronger human being, able to actually do things and live some kind of life.  OK, so anxiety has battered parts of me, prevented me from living most of my life how I'd like.  Destroyed some elements of my confidence.  And it will always be there, lingering to some extent.  But if you'd said to me in 2011 that, four years later I'd be where I am now, having achieved many of the things on this list, I wouldn't have believed you.

Lesson: I don't think I need to include a lesson for this one.  Think it's quite obvious!

This blog isn't to boast about my achievements.  Far from it, and if it has come across that way I apologise.  What I hope it does do is twofold: 1) Shows how therapy really can help a chronic anxiety sufferer come through the other side, and 2) show what can be achieved in the face of utter desperation and give those of you currently where I was in 2011 some hope.

Best wishes
Al

Loneliness

There have been a few issues to make me think about how loneliness and isolation can impact on people's mental health lately.  Some are directly related to myself, others are with regards to other people, but either way it perhaps isn't surprising that managing being 'alone' can be very challenging, and either exacerbate an individual's existing mental health issues or cause problems for people who before perhaps had never experienced them.

Insert stereotypical loneliness image here

Loneliness can also be caused by mental health problems and can also be the cause of mental health problems, or indeed both - which I have experience of.

I've had an anxiety condition for 18 years, which means when I first started experiencing anxiety I was ten years old.  So back then, as explored previously on this website, I had no idea what the influencing factors were on this.  What I do know, however, is that these experiences which at the age of ten and for many years subsequently, I called 'abnormal' because I didn't know what they were, were impacting on my social quality.

I had friends - I'm fortunate to have always had a close knit small group of friends - but it was difficult to build relationships with people.  I socialised less than the average teenager, despite a longing to do so.  Then, when it got to the latter years of school, when people started experiencing alcohol and pubs, I never joined in because most of the time I was in fear.  Fear of being a fool, fear of not fitting in and often just in fear of having a panic attack at the pub or wherever.  For most of the latter years of school and University I had to put most of my efforts into managing my anxiety condition with no tools to help me, so socialising took a back seat.  I wasn't too concerned about this, but even back then I knew that a lack of socialising may impact on me in later life.  And so it proved at University - the first two years involved me running off for the earliest possible train and avoiding anything remotely outside my comfort zone.  Something I don't apologise for, because my anxiety was so severe at the time that anything would have set it off.  It's all very well for folk to say 'oh well, if you'd have felt the fear and done it anyway you may have got onto the road to recovery a lot quicker' but I dare someone to say that when they are having five panic attacks each week.

As I said, I've been lucky to have had a core group of friends for most of my life, and that includes now.  Some of them are still around and I still see them often.  But these years of debilitating anxiety has wrecked my confidence in many ways, so as most other people I know in their late 20s like myself move on and get married and have children, this remains just a pipe dream for me.  Meeting 'that special person,' which for most people just seems like something that happens naturally, for me just seems like a thing that happens to someone else.

Now, I'm quite comfortable being single, don't get me wrong.  My fear is that when all of my friends finally move away, which I have to assume that at some point they will, and are no longer in close contact, I'll be left behind still alone and rather than just being alone, I'll be lonely.  

I've actually learnt to cope with being alone.  I've actually started to enjoy it, especially in the last year, which isn't something I could have said until recently.  I've always been used to keeping myself busy; I've got no brothers or sisters, a very small family most of whom don't live particularly local and an anxiety problem which for much of my life has made socialising very hard.  So this 'keeping myself busy' isn't a problem.  What worries me is the future.  I don't believe that there is that special person waiting for everyone and that, as people keep telling me, I'll find someone eventually.  Anxiety and general personality factors have utterly destroyed my confidence when it comes to developing those sort of relationships.  Moreover, I did an analysis not too long ago (see, keeping busy) and of the 32 couples that I knew of, only two of them did not meet through work or at university or school.  Uni and school have long gone, and the chances of me meeting someone at work is very very slim, given who I work for and what I do.  

I would say that, at the moment, I'm in a comfortable situation with being alone, albeit wary of it carrying on for much longer.  I'm finally in a position in my life where I could give a long-term relationship a crack.  Only in the last couple of years or so have I been in this position; before that I was too messed up to have realistically considered it, albeit I didn't necessarily appreciate this at the time.  I suppose my message is, if you're in a relationship and you're happy, don't take it for granted for goodness sake.  They don't come easily to everyone.

I also know of elderly people who may have been in relationships but perhaps their partner died some years ago.  There are a lot of people that fall into this category who live near to my parents, in a rural suburb where people go to retire.  As they lose their partner and they become less physically able to do things for themselves, they become isolated and lonely.  This can, in the worst cases, cause serious depression for older people as they find it hard to adjust to a life predominately on their own.  Perhaps they didn't have the practice in youth that I have had / am having; they may have been with their partner for most of their life and to suddenly lose them must be a huge shock to the system.  I'm sure many of you have seen this happen to family members.  I believe this will only become a bigger problem in a future with an ageing population.

These people often rely on their community.  I know several people who's daily routine is to catch the local bus into town, not because they need anything in particular but because they enjoy seeing people on the bus and in town that they know.  It's their lifeline and their connection outside of their isolated bubble.

Eagle eyed Twitter folk amongst you will have noticed that there is a cut to a bus service in my area happening imminently, the majority of whom it will affect are people like those that I describe above.  Because the elderly have bus passes, they don't have to pay a fare and therefore both the transport operator and subsidising authority have deemed it not 'commercially viable' to run, even though it is a well-used service. I used it all the time when I used to live at my parents' and have met some great people in the process.

But for many of these elderly people, their lifeline is being cut.  I have spoken to many of them who are affected by it lately and they are physically distressed by the idea.  Suddenly their only route out of their house will be cut.  Not only will they have to pay an absurd taxi fare if they want to travel to the town centre, but they will also lose their communication with fellow bus passengers.  Without going off on another rant about how scandalous it is that this service is being lost and about the cretinous, un-compassionate morons who are making this decision, the impact on these people's mental health is my real concern.  It's been difficult enough trying to campaign against it in the last three weeks, let alone the concept of it being all in vein when it is cut this coming Saturday 5 September.

No-one seems to care about the mental health of our elderly.  It's all about physical health, which of course is important, but there are more and more isolated and lonely old people in our society due to reasons like this.  There needs to be more schemes in place to instil community spirit, which, whilst existing naturally in some places, do not exist everywhere.  Just popping over to someones house a couple of days a week for a coffee is better than nothing, and would be something for the person to look forward to.  Instead there is an increasing feeling that we're casting these people aside for the convenience of our creaking health service.

Being alone and experiencing loneliness are two totally different things.  I'm in the former category at the moment - most of the time - and can generally these days enjoy being in my own company. But how long this will last as society whizzes by me at 100mph is anyone's guess.  

For now, I keep busy(!!) by trying to help these poor people get their bus service back.  It isn't too much to ask.  I even (almost accidentally, I hasten to add) got snapped in the local paper this week, and before you ask, yes I am the tall, younger looking one in the background, and not the man with the walker.

Best wishes
Al

We are destroying one key method of mental health therapy - and we don't care

Hi all

I apologise in advance if this blog turns into a political rant.  There is a risk of this, as I am combining two passions of mine into one blog; not just that of mental health issues but also the sorry decline of our beautiful green spaces.  I am also writing this at a time when my job, which isn't to do with ecology or the rural environment per-se but rather is focused on environmental sustainability which is still closely related, is probably at it's most vulnerable in terms of security than it ever has been.  And there is no other explanation than to blame our new elected Government for this.  

Cannock Chase - if anyone cares

So I promise I will try my best not to rant at them, but to keep the ranting to the human race as a whole, which is also to blame.  I also appreciate that many of you reading this will disagree with some, if not all, of my perspectives here, but frankly what is a blog for if not sometimes to give an opinion?

Combating mental health conditions is a huge challenge - I imagine everyone reading this blog will empathise with that viewpoint.  I have been with anxiety (trying to avoid the term 'suffered from' these days!) for around eighteen years now, and yet my recent immersion into the social media world and through writing this blog, I've learnt that I have still been quite lucky compared to what some others have gone through from a mental health perspective.  Hospitalisation, decimation, destruction and sometimes worse.  

Consequently trying to 'fix' mental health 'problems' provides therapists, individuals and families with a myriad of dilemmas, some of which will work, some of which won't.  But one simple method that mental health therapists and charities alike both state helps people with mental health conditions is that of getting outside, 'being with nature,' and exercise.  Outdoorsy stuff, basically.  Being able to access green space can allow you to exercise without having the pressure of people being everywhere, without having the noise or air pollution, and we all know that physical exercise and staying fit can generate mental health benefits.  This could be through walking, running, cycling or anything of the like.

Green space can also generate peace, as can our incredible rural areas that we are blessed with in the UK.  The landscape can benefit our creationism, channel our thoughts into creative arts, can allow us to take ourselves away from the stresses of reality and again, provide physical health benefits.  All of these will help to combat mental health problems.  

Our biggest mental health charity, Mind, has even set up an Ecotherapy programme, which connects people with nature, that relies on the preservation of our rural heartlands or our urban green spaces.  

In summary, green spaces and rural environments have huge benefits for mental health and physical health.  They are also home to our wonderful array of creatures and species.  Green spaces have multiple other benefits as well, such as reducing the urban heat island effect in large cities and trees can also help to alleviate flooding, and not least provide us with a hugely critical resource - oxygen.

And yet we, as a human race, have absolutely no regard for our precious natural environment whatsoever.  We destroy it at a rate of knots, willy nilly.  'Oh look at that spectacular view,' as we discard a piece of litter on the floor, or burn another bonfire or remove another tree for the sake of landscaping the garden.  We spit in the face of the beauty of our environment because as a group we're lazy and disrespectful people and don't appreciate what's right in front of us.  I'm the same, and yet I feel that I'm generally a conscious person.  Do I go round and pick up every piece of litter I see when I'm out walking? No. I'm just another person spoiling this land that we have been blessed with.

OK, so rant number one.  

The problem is, no-one can change the attitude of our collective existence, so the last thing we need is further destruction of our natural environment on a bigger scale (mostly ignited by the Government).  And yet what are we doing? 

- We're building a brand new high speed railway system (HS2), that conveniently destroys acres of woodland, farmland and other areas rich in biodiversity.  All, in my opinion, for the sake of a plaything for the rich that happens to cost billions of pounds at a time when everyone's jobs are at risk - apart from people who are involved in constructing HS2, of course.  I'm against HS2 for all sorts of reasons, but those that are against it seem to be against it purely for economic reasons.  Yes so am I, but have we thought about the environmental damage?  No.  Does anyone care?  Probably not.  Not least, from a mental health perspective, what must the poor people living in HS2's proposed path be going through at the moment?

- Then of course, there's roads.  Yes roads are congested - ironically because our public transport system is appalling.  People love new roads.  Because of course, they won't damage any natural environment at all.  Not much(!)  Does anyone care?  No, because we can travel somewhere 10 minutes faster than we could before.  

- Now, I don't know how much green space would be destroyed if a third runway is built at Heathrow, but it's probably more than I care to wish for.  What if there are people living there with a mental health condition who use the potential green space for clearing their heads?  I'm hypothesise, but you get my point.  Not least what damage a third runway would do from a pollution perspective (yes, planes do pollute on a massive scale.  So do diggers, chemicals and construction techniques used in building a new runway).  

- We need thousands of new homes.  This point will make most of you think I've gone, well, mental I suppose.  But do we care where we build these new houses? No. I catch the train everyday and go past acres of land that is rotten and already destroyed by our previous developments. Are we thinking of building there?  No, let's build on the green space, shall we?  I know we need more housing, I'm not disputing that.  What I'm disputing is the lack of care over where we build them.  

- Did you know that we can now build mobile phone masts wherever we bloody well like?  Sod the quality of the land and whether they destroy it.  The thing is, people will favour mobile phone masts in remote, rural locations because a) they won't be visually intrusive upon where we live and b) these are the sorts of areas where you currently get poor mobile phone signal.  And let's face it, we all need a good signal don't we?  Let's get a life, first.

- Then of course, there's the new phenomena that is known as fracking.  Now, fracking basically involves building huge great big tanks and generation stations, as well as digging huge holes into the ground and fiddling with the geology - which, by the way, is one key element that provides us with our majestic natural environment - until we get something out of it which puts your light on.  By the way, it may cause minor earthquakes.  But it's okay, because most fracking sites will be on previously habitat-rich land so said earthquakes, or pollution caused by the fracking process, or construction traffic, won't affect too many people.  It'll just destroy somewhere in the middle of nowhere.  

- All of this probably won't lead anyone to be surprised that species in our country are in decline.  So much so, we're considering re-wilding (see the link for definition).  But it leads me to ask the same question as I did before... does anyone really care?  What's the one species not in decline? Humans. And pigeons, but they live on food that people litter parks with.

I think one of the many stories of things that sums it up for me was when a friend and I were out walking on our nearby Cannock Chase AONB one day to find a rich, pretentious woman who lives in a village on its outskirts spraying Jeyes Fluid onto her hedge to stop the deer from eating it.  Not only would that potentially kill the deer, the irony was she was also killing her hedge.  But no doubt, she lives there because she loves the beautiful surroundings and wildlife that Cannock Chase provides.  Think about this for minute.

When it comes to the environment, we are disgustingly selfish and hypocritical.  Most of us adore our rural landscape and use green spaces more than we probably even appreciate.  We complain if our local green space is destroyed by development or by idiots kicking up flowers or dropping litter.  And yet as a nation, we turn a blind eye to the railway building, the road constructing and the house erecting on other area's wild landscapes if it doesn't directly affect us.  Then, of course, there's the collective damage we appear to be doing to our climate, which seems to be becoming ever more volatile.  I don't need a scientist to tell me that the weather is doing increasingly weird things.  What happens if it becomes so erratic that nature can't cope?  All in the name of our selfish, materialistic and over-consumptive lifestyles.  Well I hope everyone is happy.

OK so this has, unsurprisingly, turned into a rant.  But don't come crying to me when your local green area has been damaged or destroyed.  The impact on our mental health could be catastrophic if there is no 'green' escape from the reality - the chaotic world we live in, or at least, the chaos that our mental health condition conjures up for us on a daily basis.  Green spaces are a vital tool in mental health recovery, but our blasé attitude to our natural environment will render this more and more difficult in future.  We're all to blame.  And yet most of us will dismiss this blog as nothing more than a tirade from a crazy man.  The irony is, this isn't far from the truth.

Nothing like some light reading on a weekend afternoon, hey?

Best wishes
Al

Zzzzzzzzz....

Hi all

I have always had an interesting relationship with sleep.  Needless to say, by 'interesting' I don't mean particularly positive and also needless to say, a lot of the reasons I have had said an 'interesting' relationship is due to anxiety.

Cats don't have this problem

When I was at school in particular, I used to get frequent panic attacks.  The vast majority of these, probably 90% or more, happened not long after I'd gone to bed and it is hardly surprising that they kept me awake for a long time after the worst of it had past.  Couple this with the fact that I've always been an early riser, for as long as I remember, you get a total of not too many hours sleep.  I think what made me fall asleep in the end during a night of panic was sheer exhaustion. So overall, whilst lack of sleep didn't seem to cause a problem for many other people whilst I was at school, it was certainly an issue for me; albeit overshadowed by the more severe symptoms of anxiety (not just panic attacks, but health anxiety, food issues, confidence etc etc).

Today, despite the overall removal of panic attacks from my life, I still have an interesting experience with sleeping.  Interesting meaning the same thing as before, to clarify.  Take last night as an example.

> I went to bed at 23:30.  This is quite a bit later than normal, but then it was a weekend night so I didn't have to get up in the morning.

> Went to sleep quite quickly, but woke up not long after unsure as to whether I'd gone to sleep or not.

> Stirred for a while, not properly asleep, I would guess until about 01:00

> Woke at 05:00 almost exactly.  I got pissed off, because although waking at 05:00 is normal for me, when I don't have to get up AND when I went to bed later than normal, it was very annoying.  Of course, getting pissed off about being awake is not helpful (see later points).

> Vaguely drifted off briefly sometime between 06:30 and 07:15 and got up not too much after that.

As a consequence of all this, it was difficult to determine exactly how many hours of sleep I'd got, although I wager somewhere around five hours.  I would say that this is slightly lower than average for me; I usually wake up at 05:00 or thereabouts, but go to bed around 22:15 on a work night (and on any weekend night where I'm not doing anything worth staying up for).  

I've learnt to tolerate about six to six and a half hours of fairly unbroken sleep a night. That isn't bad you might say, but when it's rare that you get more than that it's not brilliant.  The fact that I often struggle to stay awake between about 13:00 and 17:00 on any given afternoon is a clear indication of the fact it isn't enough.  I'm 28 years old, not 78.  

But nevertheless, if I get six to six and a half hours sleep, I'm tolerantly satisfied.  Seven hours is a bonus.  Anything more is a once a year event.  Unusually, I went out with friends for my birthday two weeks ago and didn't go to bed until 03:00. I still woke up at 07:00.

So why is this?  Well first and foremost, I've had problems in the past with the following anxiety-fuelled mind loop:

I notice I can't sleep >>> I start drifting off to sleep >>> My mind notices I've started drifting off to sleep and in noticing I wake up again >>> I get annoyed and frustrated >>> I can't sleep >>> I start drifting off to sleep >>> and go again.

Sometimes this happens as a one off; in these cases, it takes me hours and hours trying to get to sleep, getting more and more frustrated about not sleeping, until eventually I get to sleep at something like 04:30.  And then wake up at 6.  There have been a smattering of one hour nights in the past.  On one occasion, after I first moved into my first (hole of a) shared house in 2012, this happened to varying extents for months on end, and it was starting to affect me severely by the end.  Fortunately I managed to arrest the problem just as it started becoming quite a serious issue.

I blame anxiety and my small OCD (Pure-O, Weird-O, whatever you want to call it) traits for this as well; I've had mind loops on numerous occasions with things in the past, and this is one example.  All, of course, are part of the overall anxiety / mental health package.

But I wouldn't say that this is a chronic problem, yet I often still sleep poorly and wake up early.  Why?  The other reasons are less unusual.  Firstly, environmental factors play an important role; they fuelled the 2012 example I gave above.  This time of year is a nightmare for me.  Who decided that it should get light at 03:30?  I can live with it getting dark at 22:30 because I'm only usually just going to bed.  But as soon as it gets so light I wake up.  You've heard the expression 'out like a light.'  I'm up with the light.  I'm like a bird (wasn't that a song?)

Then there is the heat of course.  I dislike the heat for numerous reasons, but sleeping is probably the biggest reason I don't like it.  You can put a thick blanket on, or thick PJs, or switch the heating on when it's cold.  But what can you do bar strip when it's hot?  Unless you are privileged enough to have air con, not a lot.

Then there is noise.  Noise wakes me up - OK, so no news there, but the problem I have is when a noise wakes me up, I then can't get back to sleep again.  I stay awake expecting to hear it again.  Noises have caused me to wake up and have a panic attack in the past, particularly if I don't know what the noise was.  The last few weeks in my recent shared house generated problems of this nature.

The other thing that keeps me awake is, of course, other things 'on my mind.'  When people without an anxiety condition say 'I've got a lot on mind,' I fail to have a huge amount of sympathy.  Anxious people always have a lot on their mind, most of it irrational, most of it absurd, but all of it seeming perfectly feasible - even more so at night, when you're in a slight slumber and when you have nothing to do to take your mind off it.  So what sort of thoughts keep me awake?  They could be genuine worries, of course, but they could be utter trash, the sort that by day wouldn't seem like an issue - unless you thought about it too much, then you'd get anxious again.

Solutions? 

So what have been my solutions, or perhaps more accurately small steps, to help combat this constant life of zombified nonsense?  Few and far between, for you see, when I am lying there having one of those nights where I struggle to sleep at all, I don't get up and read or do something to potentially take my mind off it - no, I lie there getting more and more irritated about not sleeping, leading, of course, to a lower likelihood of falling asleep.

That said, I have done some basic things, such as:

- Keep my room as cold as possible.  I need to get a TRV (control for my radiator) fitted in my bedroom in my new house so that, in winter, I can put my radiator off but keep the rest of them on if required.  I'm happy if my room temperature is 15-18 degrees.  I can sleep in the cold, I can't sleep when I'm too hot.  Hence - recently has been very unpleasant.  It was 26 in my room on Wednesday evening last week, and at my parents house due to various unfortunate circumstances I once recorded 31 degrees in my bedroom there.  I started to baste myself in my own sweat to stay cool (OK I didn't, but there's some imagery that won't leave you for a while).  

- Wear ear plugs.  These have been a life-saver.  I have to shove them in quite far to make a significant difference, but they do keep out most noises, including normal traffic noise, birds and other noises.  Bassy noises they struggle with, but overall a high recommendation.  Just don't shove them in too far (I couldn't get one out one morning for 20 minutes; there was blood and all sorts - I just about managed to retrieve it in the end, but the anxiety that was produced outweighed the impact of the ear plugs... anyway, there's another image to take your mind off the sweaty one).  Ear plugs may feel uncomfortable at first but you get used to them.  Wash them often and buy a large pack of them from Boots.

- Wear an eye mask - also known as a glorified blindfold.  This does help in light rooms at light times of year - the biggest problem with it is that it makes my face sweat when it's hot, so I can't wear it at the moment as it wakes me up anyway.  And of course, when is it at it's hottest?  When it's light in the early hours.  So it only has limited effectiveness, but it can be useful when it's cool and light.

- Put blackout blinds / curtains up.  Again, effect is limited but worthwhile.  At my new house, I have cream blinds in every room.  They look good, but are as useful for keeping out light as a bladeless lawnmower would be for cutting the grass.  So I purchased a cheap black blind from Wilkos that sticks to the top of the window and pulls down.  You can also get a proper job done and get lined curtains.  The problem with any of these is that the light still gets through the edges of the blinds, so again the effect is limited - but better than nothing.

- Block clocks.  What do I mean by this?  I used to have a red digital display clock that, as soon as woke up, meant I could see the time.  This isn't helpful, because again when it read something like 02:37, I used to get frustrated that it wasn't four hours later, and thus this kept me awake.  So now I've got rid of any clocks you can see without at least pushing a button.  A television box I've recently bought for my new room had such a clock, which I've since stuck a sticker over the top of so you can't see it!  Again, the effect of this is only limited, because you have a reasonable idea of the time by the light levels.  I love the odd morning at this time of year when it's still quite dark so you assume it's 4am, only to find the weather is crap making it look earlier when it's actually 6am!  Little things in the world of anxious sleep...

Note that the above solutions are all helping to combat the more environmental factors. Some of the CBT techniques I learnt for my general anxiety condition have helped a little towards other psychological sleep issues, but overall my tackling of what my mind thinks about at night and how I deal with lack of sleep is still not good.  As stupid as this sounds, but I'd tolerate not sleeping a great deal a lot more if only I could deal with it better... There may be other things I could try as well, like drinking chamomile tea before bed.

Talking of drinking, worryingly drinking alcohol before bed is the only thing that (so far) has guaranteed me to go to sleep quite quickly.  It doesn't necessarily prevent me from waking up early (or feeling well), but as a solution to falling asleep... well... 

Sleep is a major inconvenience for me.  Granted, it's better than being an almost guaranteed panic attacked-fuelled experience like it was years ago, but even still today, it often causes me more exhaustion than being awake does... go figure.  I'd certainly be interested if anyone reading this has found a good solution to sleeping well (that doesn't involve meds, or a hammer).

So, when the next person that says to me on the day the clocks go back 'ooh, an extra hour in bed,' forgive me if I punch them in the face.

Best wishes
Al