There's nothing like a warm, sunny, summer day to bring you all back down to earth with a bump - or indeed, back indoors out of the way of this sort of weather which does nothing for me but stir up anxiety and feelings of general lowness (I have inverse SAD).
If you're reading this blog indoors and the weather outdoors is glorious sunshine I empathise - I'm the one typing the damn thing. I'm also typing this in my bedroom with the blackout curtains closed to prevent the room getting too hot, with a LED USB light plugged into my laptop so I can see the keyboard. So yes, I'm sitting in a dark room whilst the sun is shining outside writing a blog about my bleak future. The irony is not lost on me.
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| This is more like it |
I often feel lonely and morose when the sun is out. It makes me feel that I should be out there enjoying it too, joining in with the fun and frolics that everyone else seems to be having. Letting it all hang out whilst not giving a crap if any of their hanging out bits get burnt. Summer is a time we Brits love. Unless you're me. Summer, this weather in particular, brings about an acute lowness in my mood, as all it does is remind how I've got no-one to enjoy it with. Couple that with Sunday afternoon's, the part of the week that time forgot, a time when I'm usually on my own watching football on the TV (something else you can't do in summer), a time when I'm normally at my lowest anyway, and you get... well, a blog like this.
Any frequent readers of my blogs will now know a reasonable amount about me and the anxiety condition which has dominated my life to date, including the fact that it dominated my school and university life and made it impossible to do the things that "normal" people do - like enjoy myself. It also made it hard to make friendships and nigh-on impossible to build relationships. I'm fortunate that the friends I have made are a) both very close friends and b) mostly still local - at the moment.
And at the moment things are okay. Despite sitting in a dark room whilst everyone else barbecues themselves, things are okay. I have a job I enjoy, people I enjoy working with and that keeps me occupied enough to dominate my week. I have enough of the aforementioned friends around to keep my social life, whilst not rich, adequate. I enjoy my own space more than I used to and have learnt to embrace this sort of time through walking, cycling and the like. But even now, I fear I am losing out, largely due to being a singleton with a lack of confidence, ability or opportunity to meet 'that' someone who most other people my age seem to take for granted. Or if they are single, it's because they want to be.
Whilst I'm content with being single at the moment, my life in five years time does not look so good. I will still be single. People can say what they like - friends will try and cheer me up by saying this is untrue, that I will find the right person, yadda yadda. The first person who said that to me was when I was 19, and here I am nearly ten years later still single. Surprise surprise. I will, in fact, still be single. Anyone who had had my relationship history (or lack of it) would believe the same, regardless of what other people tell you. Pluto, Jupiter and Venus have aligned with the Aquarius constellation at some point in 673AD meaning that I will always be single. Being single in five years time itself isn't a problem and indeed could make my life easier (!), but when combining it with the other likely changes outlined below, makes it part of a bigger issue.
For a start, in five years time I'll be nearly 34. Dear God. That means things like having children are starting to become more urgent, if they are to happen. I'm not even sure I want kids at the present moment, but it would be nice to have the choice.
Secondly, the friends that I currently socialise will have moved away or be forever entwined with their spouses. In other words, my already light (but acceptable) social life will become lighter still and weekends will be spent even more alone.
Thirdly, my current job is hanging by a thread. If I lose this job, I lose working with great people - something that, realistically, I would find hard to replace (I've been lucky so far in this respect) and I will almost certainly have to replace this job with working in a sector I enjoy less. UK readers of this blog may have noticed that the environment and sustainability isn't exactly top priority under the current government, and jobs in this sector are declining. I can't do a specialist Masters degree now - which could help to solve both my employment and social problems - because I own a house and couldn't afford to keep up the payments. So in all likelihood I'd have to get a job doing something else entirely, which would mean that my busy yet usually enjoyable weeks become busy and... well, less enjoyable.
On top of all of this, as I mentioned a while ago in a previous blog, a lot of other things I value in life are being scrapped and not replaced, again largely thanks to the government. And this whilst living in a town where I've lived for all 29 years of my life which is becoming unrecognisable through its economic and demographic decline.
And ultimately, wrongly or rightly, I blame years of anxiety for much this. Okay, so maybe not the political stuff, but certainly the social. Most young person's social life these days is so rich that being on their own by the time they're 28 would probably be welcome. Many of them will have naturally met their long-term partner, or at least been in a long-term relationship. Many will have travelled the world. And regardless of all that more material stuff, many will have at least been able to enjoy themselves, especially if they were fortunate enough to have a relatively-speaking privileged upbringing like me. Sadly, anxiety destroyed these opportunities for me and has battered my confidence and self-worth in the process.
So, in what is probably the most pessimistic blog in history, I see my life in five years' time as a fairly lonely and depressing (note I've not used this term lightly until this point) place to be.
That is, of course, unless I intervene. I have been considering what sort of interventions to take. I've already taken some, let's not forget, during the lifetime of this blog (four years), including:
- Switching jobs to gain more experience, meet new people etc.
- Moving to two shared houses for new social experiences.
- Buying a new house as I move into adulthood to make the most of my own space.
- Started online dating to try and defy the 673AD lining of the planets.
All but the latter have had limited success and generated happiness, but generally only temporarily. What other interventions could I take up? A hobby? I'm nearly 29, not a schoolchild or semi-retired, but still, it's an option. Go to the pub more? Possibly - such things may become necessary - but I think only a bigger intervention will suffice to prevent my five year forward look becoming a sad reality. Something like emigrating to another country and starting afresh. Putting this country, this town, my anxiety, all of what I believe is holding me back, behind me for good. Taking a one way plane ticket to 'Somewhere-else-land' and not coming back. Somewhere more becoming and accepting of my personality. Somewhere where I feel like I fit in. All I would leave behind of value here are my small family and friends, many of whom I probably wouldn't see much of in five years time anyway if the above scenario plays out. The older I get, the more I think that permanently jetting off is the only option.
Despite this blog coming somewhat out of the blue, this scenario is not something I've only just thought about. I've realised I don't belong here for some time now, and have a want to try and find where I do belong.
I'd love for my pessimism to be wrong, for once. The only time it has been wrong before was when I applied for my latest job two and a half years ago - I didn't think I'd get it, but I did. Aside from that, most scenarios in adulthood that I've chosen or had to face have panned out more or less as expected, whether that's positively or negatively. So I do trust my own judgement fairly well. Which is why I feel that the only way my pessimism will be wrong is if I take the bull by the horns and make the big intervention in a few years time. Even whilst typing this blog, it is becoming more appealing in my mind.
For now, I continue in this soulless place, clinging on to the positives that do remain - my friends, my job etc - and hope that something comes out of the blue. And I don't mean the sun.
Talking of which, you can go back outside now and enjoy it.
Best wishes
Al
