When I first commenced this blogging site in 2012, I had just concluded my 50 sessions of CBT which ultimately helped me to overcome the worst of anxiety that had plagued me for 15 years prior. I had just moved out of home for the first time. The latter was hard, socialising was still a challenge, especially eating out, and yet I deemed myself to be in a good place relative to a year before when I could barely leave the house.
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| The stunning Vancouver Island |
So taking a trip for nigh on two weeks to Vancouver and its surrounding areas in Canada was something that I wouldn't have even considered. Hell, I couldn't have considered taking a day trip to see a friend 50 miles away in this country as a viable option, without causing terrible distress, panic and probably a lot of self pity.
And yet, over five years on, the aforementioned Canadian trip has been achieved. I have actually flown on a plane for nigh on ten hours each way, stayed away from home for longer than a week, stayed in various different places within a foreign country...
...and survived.
In fact to hell with that, I actually even...
enjoyed it!
How is this possible? Well, the whole journey I have taken since I started this blog shows how; take a look at my recent series of fifth anniversary blogs which kind of provides a useful summary of how taking this trip was even possible. Years of baby steps, trying, testing, often failing but ultimately succeeding with various different things. And fifty sessions of CBT, ultimately culminating in a handbook of techniques that I have been able to draw on to get me through numerous situations.
But nothing on the scale of Canada.
So along with CBT and the various factors associated with it, what specifically helped with this trip?
1) Going with someone else. That is why this blog is rather falsely entitled 'Going it Alone' because I wasn't alone. The whole reason that this trip came up is because my friend of 15 years, a musician, organised a series of gigs across the west coast of Canada. He knew that I always wanted to go to Canada and invited me to come on this trip with him. It also helped that he knows about my history; I was able to warn him that there was potential for me to have a mental breakdown, which took the pressure off.
2) Lack of intense organisation. Because of the above, flights, accommodation, getting to places within Canada (impossible without a car, which I don't have) and practically all of the logistics were organised for me by my friend, who is used to and a very good at this anyway. This took a lot more of the pressure off, reduced the stress and meant that I could literally just pay and go.
3) Possibly now or never. Because of the situation with my mum as documented previously, it is unlikely that I will be able to go away again for around two weeks in one go, due to the inevitable requirement of more of my support. So I knew that if I didn't go this year, I may not get the chance again for a heck of a long time. So I knew I had to rip off the plaster and just do it.
4) Magnitude beyond comprehension. Six years ago, leaving the house was hard enough. Four months ago, I managed to go to Ireland for eight days and successfully complete this trip. This was huge and was by far the biggest achievement in my life, ever. And yet even this was nothing compared to the scale of Canada - the distance, the time difference, the length of time away, what the trip involved, etc. So it was literally beyond my ability to appreciate what I was about to do - which helped considerably. If your brain can't compute what you're about to get yourself into, you can't panic about it as much!
5) Ireland. As I just mentioned, my eight-day trip to Ireland four months ago was totally crucial in being able to get through Canada. Ireland prepared me for being away, negotiating airports, testing CBT techniques in such situations, eating out (abroad) and the various other things that one needs to consider when travelling. My short trip to Edinburgh before it also helped me prepare for Ireland; I'm so glad the trips all fell into place in the way that they have (partially planning, partially luck!).
6) WhatsApp. I mentioned this in my review of my trip to Ireland; I only downloaded WhatsApp just before this trip, largely as a consequence of it and discovered how useful it was. It was even more fundamental during my trip to Canada to keep me connected to the people that matter. This helped tremendously.
7) Canada. I gave 'Ireland' as a reason for the success of my trip there back in May and on a similar note, I'm giving 'Canada' as a reason for the success of this trip. It is a truly wonderful country, with amazing landscapes and scenery, city vibrancy, cleanliness and the people are the friendliest I have met. Nothing is too much. They are open minded and make you feel welcome in whatever situation you find yourself in. This was especially important in light of the fact that for four of the nights there my friend and I stayed at people's houses, as a consequence of my friend's gig organisers providing accommodation. It made it easier to settle in and relax.
Naturally, there were challenges; most of the ones I listed following my Ireland trip still applied to varying different degrees. Of particular issue this time included:
1) Flying. The flights were horrible; in total, from boarding the plane to departing it, I was on the plane for close to ten hours each way. It is not pleasant, I can assure you. No amount of games, books, programmes or people watching can make it easier. On the journey back, a woman fainted right in front of me practically, which didn't help with selfish anxious thoughts: 'what if her fainting causes me to faint' etc. That went on for a while. It is a horrible, horrible, horrible way to travel in my opinion, and is very anxiety inducing, but ultimately, I got through it which is the main thing.
2) Sleep. Along with the ten hour flights was the eight hour time difference. My most recent blog discussed my issues with sleep and how I knew that the jet lag caused by travelling to Canada wouldn't help matters. Actually, things weren't as bad as I thought they would be, but nevertheless, waking up at 02:56 on the first day there wasn't helpful. It took a while to adjust but it could have been worse; the latter half of the week was better and actually if anything I slept better than normal due to less of the normal stresses of life being on my mind!
3) I had a bad cold. Unfortunately, I have a habit of 1) getting colds when I finish work for any length of time (the last time I had one was Christmas last year) and 2) getting really bad colds. I think the latter is as a consequence of years of anxiety battering my immune system, along with sinus troubles. This obviously spoilt about three days of the trip somewhat due to feeling physically poor (as well as affecting sleep negatively - see 2!), but also made things like breathing properly (a key CBT technique) more difficult. Being sensible was the main solution here; I didn't go to my friend's first gig, for example.
But let's be honest, the phrases 'nervous breakdown' or 'anxious mess' are not listed here, so that is a win-win all round.
I am currently learning a lot about myself. I am learning that I have genuinely tackled anxiety to the point where I can begin to live my life, around twelve years or so after everyone else. Sure, everything is more challenging than it would be to someone without anxiety or another mental health condition, but challenges are things that I am used to, so bring them on I say. If I can go to Canada and not meltdown, then goodness me five years is a long time.
There may well be people reading this who are in the same position I was five plus years ago; in fear, in hope, in constant panic mode, scared of living in hell for the rest of their lives. If you are in that place, talk to someone. Family, friends, doctor, charities like Anxiety UK or the Samaritans, Twitterites who have experienced similar things, or even me. Just know this - you can come through dark times and begin to live your life. It is possible with hard work and, almost certainly, more anxiety along to endure the way. But the help is there in many different forms.
Without this help, Canada would never have happened. Neither would Ireland, Scotland, moving house (three times), relationship, a social life or... anything. It can be done. Trust me.
Best wishes,
Al
