Oh what a surprise, a stereotypical 'end of year blog.' Oh what a surprise, someone starting a blog or article with 'oh what a surprise, a stereotypical end of year blog.' Well yeah, whatcha gonna do?
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| No, there is no reference to deep house in this post |
No, what this blog is meant to do is show that, if you're reading this in a low place of seemingly endless despair, as I was for many years about five plus years ago, it is possible to come out the other side and take on life and actually live it to a certain degree. Something I never thought possible when I was sitting on a train eight hours from home, feet numb, hands sweaty, feeling sick and short of breath - in the grips of my worst ever panic attack that lasted 14 hours.
So why has 2017 been particularly positive, amongst the national and global stuff that keeps everyone slightly nervous and angry?
On my travels
If you've been stupid/clever* (*delete as appropriate) to read many of my more recent blog posts, you will have noticed that I have been on holiday three times this year. I went on my own to Edinburgh for two nights in February, Ireland on my own for eight nights in May then Canada with a friend for 12 nights in September. This is probably a fairly normal degree of holiday for an 'average person,' i.e. someone from my sort of background but who has not had anxiety most of their lives. Before this year, the only holidays I had been on were with my parents back in the day, to Wales four times for four nights with my friend and Barcelona on a geography fieldtrip. I had never been abroad before, apart from Barcelona and Ireland twice, and never been away on my own. So this year rather ripped up the script in terms of what I'd done previously. I not only went away, I went on my own, twice, and went abroad for the longest I'd ever been abroad. And of course they weren't without their challenges, but overall I even managed to enjoy myself!!
If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: I'd have nervously gone and had to go back home before even getting to the airport or on the train.
If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: Not a chance. I remember saying, about a four hour train journey for a weekend away that I had to cancel about seven years ago, 'I can't see how I can ever get out of this situation.'
I was in a relationship!
Okay, so as my previous blog describes, my recent relationship ended after about three and a half months, so you could ask 'why is this a success?' Because I was actually in a relationship at all! I honestly never thought I would have the confidence to meet a girl in the first place, let alone get her to like me for long enough to say 'I'm in a relationship.' I also learnt a lot from my experience and it has given me more confidence - okay, a little more confidence - to potentially take something else forward. Meeting someone else doesn't seem any more likely now I have to say, but nevertheless, I still can't quite believe I was in a relationship at all.
If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: Not applicable as it was deemed impossible. In the unlikely event a girl had been interested, I couldn't have sustained a relationship anyway as I was a mess myself.
If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: No. End of. To be fair, though, even after this experience I still believe I will end up single in later life too.
Maintaining friendships
As you know this is a hugely important aspect of my life. I could not live without my friends. Fortunately, my core group of friends have remained local and as always I have had many adventures and laughs with all of them this year and, crucially, I know they are there for me if I need them. I depend on them significantly and always have and gladly, if anything, the friendships have all strengthened even further this year.
If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: I already had a core group of friends that I totally relied on, but if anything these have since strengthened further and secondly, I'm not sure I appreciated them as much then as I do now.
If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: I thought I'd still have a core group of friends but I thought more of them would have up sticks by now. I'm making the most of it whilst they're still here!
Still love my job
Another big one. Even when I was going through dreadful times a few years back, work was my haven and solace, compared to everything else. The exception came when I had to travel somewhere for work or give a presentation, particularly after my 2011 meltdown, but anxiety whilst at work was minor in comparison to other situations. It was the one place where I could actually be free from most of its grip, albeit constantly thinking about what would happen when I left the office! When I applied for my current job four years ago, I was in a better state overall, but I was daunted by the change, especially given I suddenly had a commute to face. But, the people, the work, the type of organisation and the flexibility of the job has made it an absolute pleasure to work for this organisation. We've been close to shutting down once or twice and the future is likely to keep us on our toes, but from my perspective I want to work here for as long as possible.
If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: I have been working for well over nine years now, so yes I was already doing it...
If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: I didn't think I'd be in a different job and enjoying it so much and so confident about what I do. And actually enjoying doing presentations!
I'm closer to my parents
Again, I am turning a negative into a positive here when you factor in that my mum was diagnosed with dementia this year. This is clearly a huge challenge that has already begun but that awaits us more so in the future. But what this has meant is that more of my time has been required with my mum, and because my role is basically to 'entertain' her when I see her, she appreciates that and looks forward to me coming over, which of course makes me feel good. As far as my dad, the primary 'carer' if I should now call him that, is concerned, we've had to pull together on this as you can imagine, and we are now closer than we used to be. We've never been what I would define as 'close' but we have worked together to ensure we can do the best we can to do what's best for my mum and I believe he now recognises I am an adult (I'm now 30, so better late than never!) and that sometimes it's worth listening to my advice and opinions!
If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: In terms of supporting my mum with dementia, I'm just glad this has happened when I am a lot better, because I honestly think I would have been a hindrance to her rather than a help if this had happened a few years ago.
If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: Obviously you can't vouch for a family member getting a long-term illness - "it doesn't happen to me" - so of course not. I knew I'd still be seeing my parents but not in such a structured manner. But as I say - the positives are there and I have to take those.
It was the fifth anniversary of this blogging site!
Certainly worth a mention; I did 'Five Blogs of Thanks' to celebrate at the time.
If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: Well I probably would have, given I did start doing it just over five years ago :)
If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: ...but I never thought it would last for five weeks let alone for over five and a half years. Thank you to everyone who ever reads my posts!
Other stuff
In addition to the above, these are the things that most people take for granted that I'm just grateful I can now do without major trauma:
- Eating out - I make sure I eat out at least once a week now because for many, many years eating out was a living hell.
- Going to a few different places - I mean on a smaller scale to the travelling I've talked about above; day trips with friends, things like that.
- Enjoying my own time - I still have a lot of time alone, but I appreciate it more now, enjoy it more and use it better, partly because I've had to but also because I'm better at planning to ensure my mind doesn't wander into unwanted territory.
- Exercise - Any sort of exercise made me panic in the past, largely due to an increased heart rate which set the health anxiety off. Now, I thoroughly enjoy swimming, cycling and walking and know, of course, that it also benefits me mentally too.
All of this is underpinned, of course, by not constantly fearing what that pain is, what people will think of me in social situations, that I might have a panic attack in an unfortunate situation - leading to, of course, panic attacks. Forget all the stuff I talk about above - ultimately the most important thing is that I have not spent this year in anxiety's grip. I have managed to not let it control me and dictate my life as it used to and this is the best gift of all that 2017 has given me.
None of this would have been possible without my 50 sessions of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy that I had 2011-12, courtesy of Anxiety UK's brilliant service. I tremble to think where I would be now without this help.
The challenge for 2018 is, of course, to make it as good if not better than 2017. This looks increasingly challenging, as I've blogged about before, due to changing circumstances in my life that are likely to kick in in the next few years - friends moving away, my mum declining in health, my job never being overly stable etc - but only I can try to turn these into positives like I have some aspects this year, or at least, balance out these challenges or gaps with other positives. I think the crucial thing is that I now have the ability to do this, whereas years ago I did not.
I look back to 2017 with fondness. I think that's the first time I can truly say that. I remind those of you who cannot say this that it is possible to fight and beat whatever mental health condition you're battling with. It is not easy, but it is possible. Talk to someone. Friend, family, charity, Twitter, Samaritans, colleague, whoever. That is where it all starts.
I would like to wish all my readers a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year.
Best wishes,
Al
