Social Anxiety and Confidence

So this blog links with the ones that have gone previously - this moving out lark really is testing my social anxiety and my confidence generally. 

Let me start by saying that this is a good thing; I am glad that I am being tested because this is what I need to build my confidence and develop me as a person.  It's about time; I'm 26 years old now and I need to be able to move forward with my life from a social perspective and finally break out of this anxious prison.

I sometimes wear full body lycra to hide myself

This new life that I have now found upon, thanks to lots of trying to find a suitable place to live, is now over 3 weeks old and although it is still far too soon to judge how this will pan out, I am pleased to report that the people who I'm living with are certainly making my life more sociable than it was previously.  But this, of course, is where the test comes in.  

In social situations, I have been known to change as a person.  This isn't something I do on purpose, but it is something that I do simply because my confidence flies out the window.  I agree with anything that others say.  I laugh uncomfortably.  I think a lot of it is fear of offending someone, or fear of looking boring by not really knowing or caring what someone is talking about.  I also hate under any circumstances to sound like I'm bragging, and I feel like this even if someone has asked me what achievements I have.  I talk them down as though they aren't significant just so I don't appear this way.

What doesn't help is that I just don't think I've been in enough social situations over time to have helped me learn what to do.  I often struggle to know what to say and have my own self-struggle which is to make myself sound interesting or be funny.  Why is 'being myself' so difficult?  I think it's because of my desperation to finally fit in and be accepted in a social situation, and to potentially bring things up that other people may find boring or uninteresting or strange I still deem too risky in my quest to fit in.  But how I can possibly make up in my own head what is boring or strange anyway?  Confident people tell other people, however well they know them, all about themselves, whether the recipient finds it 'interesting' or not.  So why can't I?

I've also noticed myself laughing at things other people say, usually when I don't really understand what they are talking about. This is effectively a defence mechanism so that I appear interested.  

This is in contrast to how I am with my friends... very relaxed (well, as relaxed or indeed RELAXED (see a recent blog) as I can be) and myself which is crucial.  Of course, this is the case for most people; you are naturally more relaxed and open with people you know better etc.  But I over-analyse every other contact I have with everyone else, everything said.  I dwell on anything I feel may have either offended someone else or where I feel I've looked stupid or arrogant.  It plays on my mind for such a long time afterwards.

Is this all part of social anxiety?  It would make sense if this over-analysis was part of anxiety, as it is largely irrational which, of course, is what anxiety is.  It's also true that I often walk around on eggshells if I'm with other people who I'm not comfortable with - that's what happened when I moved into the new house, and indeed still does at time.  This of course raises anxiety levels generally.

I need to learn to be comfortable and confident in myself, something very difficult after spending years struggling with anxiety and the huge negative impact it has on self-esteem and confidence in the first place.  And of course, like the chicken and the egg, it's quite feasible that a low self-esteem, whatever the reason for it manifesting, helped emphasise the anxiety in the first place.

I appreciate this is more of a ramble than a blog, but sometimes it's difficult to get thoughts down coherently.  Maybe next time there'll be less bla bla bla bla.... bla [laugh uncomfortably]

Best wishes
Al

Time to Move On 4 - 10 Days On...

It is difficult to emphasise how big a step moving house is for someone with anxiety, or with any mental health problem I would wager.  I'm not saying it's easy for anyone, but it can disrupt your life so much that anxiety can come and go as quick and a fiercely as a high speed train.  All the hard work you may have put in goes out the window.

As the last blog suggested.

Graph of how the last 11 days have panned out

As it also suggested, I was very low when I wrote that blog.  The potential for the housemates to be great people didn't seem to matter, the independence likewise.  All the hard work I put in to manage my anxiety went flying into space and the depression came crashing down like a meteor.  Think of the move as like an earthquake; a disruption to what was a relatively stable tectonic plate (or in this case, stable time of my life) and a sudden shift, causing an initial crash and then several slightly less severe aftershocks, but occurring frequently.

I was in a situation where I felt I just needed time out.  I have spent pretty much all of my life, at best, on edge, at worst in an excruciating panic, but for the last 7-8 months (since I moved out of my previous house share) I was RELAXED.  OK, so not totally RELAXED; I can never claim to be that.  But comparative to the rest of my life, I was RELAXED.  Bored, at times, and frustrated but RELAXED.  It only dawned on me after I moved again how much I missed that and how important it really was to actually feel RELAXED.  RELAXED is in capitals by the way to emphasise that this is not a sensation I'm used to.

So why on earth would I do anything to disrupt this?  Well of course, at the time, I didn't realise how much I valued being RELAXED, so it wasn't until I wasn't RELAXED again that I realised how much I was enjoying it.  Tedium at times possibly, but I was... you know the next bit.

For the first few days of living here, I craved this to a point of depression.  The first few days were very hard, as the last blog will no doubt have depicted.  So what now?

Ten days on is a difficult time to judge.  It's far too early to make any significant judgements, but at the same time it's beginning to become the reality.  It's also true that the longer I stay here not RELAXED, the longer it would be for me to recover and go back to being RELAXED again.  But of course the last thing I want to do is make any rash decisions.

However, I am pleased to report that ten days on, things have markedly improved, which the rational amongst you will have predicted anyway.  I'm certainly not RELAXED, but that horrible depression has gone and the anxiety has certainly alleviated from a week or so ago.  To put it bluntly, forcing myself to stick with it has helped.  My parents have been away this week, so 'home' offered no real help or form of escape, other than the RELAXED surroundings.  My folks being away, although you could argue they chose the worst possible week, was probably, in fact, the best possible week.  I'm been made to stick at it, as the carrot of temptation wasn't dangling there 4 miles away.  

Combining this forcefulness with a mixture of familiar things has also helped.  Ensuring I look after myself by eating properly (something which has also become easier as I become more confident with people that I am crap at cooking and not caring about it), and doing all of the ablutions I did when I was elsewhere.  By keeping in touch with familiar people, and my mate who lives with me being here all the time since I moved in has also helped.  

The best thing - the people I'm living with seem great.  The three plus months of house searching appears to have been worth it.  

The big question now is - what happens next?  A period of stability hopefully, before maybe kicking on into more ambitious territory, like actual genuine enjoyment and fulfilment.  OK, let's not get carried away.  One step at a time is hugely important.

The main objective - to become as RELAXED here as I was at home, with the added benefit for having more social activity and interaction a good aim to work to.

How this weaves around anxiety is the key, and of course no doubt I will blog about this on here.  But for now, lessons to take away:

- Stick with it; short term pain and all that.  

- Don't be afraid of being yourself in front of other people.  That might not be the deepest personal stuff, but just general day to day things.

- Try and embrace the new, but keep hold of the 'old' just as tightly, and remember it is there if required.  

- People - they are the best medicine.

I'm no expert of course, this is merely me scribbling things down as I think of them, in terms of what has helped me so far.  Bigger challenges may be to come, greater tests... let's see what gets thrown my way.

At this point, I'd like to thank anyone who has helped me these past 10 days.  You know who you are.

Best wishes
Al

Time to Move On 3 - The Fall Out

So as you'll be aware, if you follow this blog, I moved out of my parents' house for only the second time on Monday, two days ago.  This was designed to test me and of course allow me to progress with my life, move forward and become more sociable. 

But I'm sorry to say that anxiety has taken over.

This apparently depicts 'flatmates'

Naturally, the morning of day 1 I was feeling anxious but controllably so; it was more of a 'nervous' feeling with a bit extra.  My parents and I arrived at the house early afternoon, and as soon as they left a wave of unbearable depression came over me.  I don't use the term 'anxiety' lightly and I wouldn't use the term 'depression' lightly either.  I'm grateful that I have never had long-term depression, and I can't begin to imagine what feeling like this long-term can be like.  But it is definitely depression; I had it when I moved to the previous house at first too, but this time I was less prepared for it, because I was meant to look forward to this move.

But I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised.  I was there, on my own, entering an unknown world which could go incredibly well or incredibly badly (because everything seems black and white in these situations).  I was on the verge of tears whilst unpacking and wondering why I was doing this to myself.  I went shopping which was a tedious exercise but at least meant I was occupied.  Not too long after I got back, I spoke to a new housemate who is very nice and good to get along with, and then my friend arrived. This improved things a bit for obvious distraction reasons, but then it was time for food.

Food and me, as I'm sure I'll have explained before, don't get along.  If I get remotely anxious, I struggle to eat.  It usually happens when I go out, but of course, living in a new place this is effectively eating out.  I ate in the communal area but struggled to eat the food; I managed about half before I decided it wasn't worth struggling any more.  I confided in my mate which also helped - I've learnt to talk about the hard times to trusted people - and I also emailed another friend, and this has helped.  Getting all the support that I can at times like this is vital.  Being open is a crucial part of getting through moments like this.

Then a night of poor sleep occurred.  The first time I woke up I was in panic mode; breathing was very difficult and if I hadn't been so emotionally exhausted it could have spiralled into something worse, but I ended up falling asleep again after a while.  I woke up 3 more times before waking up for the final time.  I expected a poor night's first sleep in a new place so this didn't bother me, but that empty, lonely feeling still hadn't gone away.

What didn't help is that I had to do a presentation for work at 9am yesterday morning - day 2.  It also involved travelling by train, but it was only 20 minutes away so I managed to get through this with few problems.  I was still exhausted so in a perverse way this may have helped.  

The presentation was 30 minutes and on my only specialist subject; it turned out that this 30 minutes was the best I'd felt all day and best I've felt since.  Presentations used to be another source of anxiety, or at best an anxiety amplifier, but this one actually seemed to help, possibly because I was focused on a subject I'm comfortable with and it atmosphere seemed quite 'relaxed.'  The rest of the day at work was fine, even better was the two hours after it which was spent catching up with a friend who I hadn't seen for ages, who was at the conference at which I did the aforementioned presentation.  

Going back to the house was tolerable at this time; the new housemate was there and we had a bit of a chat, and my mate then came back so we obviously caught up.  Dinner was still difficult though; my tolerance towards food declines as I cook it, and by the time it comes to eating it I don't feel good.  Telling my mate about it took the pressure off though, which did help.  The rest of the evening, I still felt low but it was manageable.

Day 3 - swimming, then work which was fine.  I ate lunch with work friends and perhaps unsurprisingly this went well.  I was comfortable!  I was fine in the office for the rest of the day too, but then as I approached the house, that same wave of depression came over me again, followed by another difficult teatime.  

Unhelpfully, I keep asking myself 'why should I be feeling like this?'  So far, it's been very difficult.  My anxiety and mental health problems of 16+ years is really testing me.  I've been through enough of these feelings already in my life to last me more than one full lifetime, and if nothing else I'm just fed up with it now.  I expected this to test me, actually I hoped it would, but not to the extent of this.  

I appreciate it's early days, and that's what I keep telling myself.  This could still be the best move I've ever made, and could really fulfil my life and in time, reduce my anxiety. 

But moving in with the intention of meeting more people has ironically made me feel more alone at the moment.  This is the biggest test of how far I've come for a long time.  I will no doubt update this blog with how things go.

Best wishes
Al