Relationships: what I've learnt so far

Hi all,

The summary answer to this blog is "I'm crap at them." We could just leave it at that.

Whadda you know, there are stereotypical images for
everything!

Let me paint the scene first of all. As you will no doubt know if you're reading this post and have been reading this blog for a while, I have lived for many years with anxiety. It wrecked my growing up period and my transition into adulthood, to the point where I fully recognise that I am further behind most people my age in several ways, one of which is being - or not - in a long-term relationship. Yes I have liked people during this epoch of anxiety but even if I had had the confidence, courage and ability to act upon these feelings - which I didn't - and even if they had said yes to a date - which they wouldn't have - there is no way on earth that I could have sustained a relationship for any length of time. I spent years unable to eat out or socialise with the people I'm most comfortable with, let alone go on a date. So making a long-term connection last was nigh-on impossible.

And although now, at 30 years old, I have put the worst my anxiety behind me, there is a legacy it leaves. My confidence when it comes to talking to someone I like is still appalling; I come across as shy, dull and uneasy. Various practical things that most British UK citizens do come 30 years old I perhaps do not (driving is a good example) thanks to an inability back in the day and a long-term nervous association ever since. And then there are circumstances less outside my control; I live in a town where 95% of people thrive and live off materialism, possession and practical ability. In other words, if someone does not have or cannot do something which is perceived 'abnormal,' like drive, this can be a deal-breaker as to whether a person wants to build a relationship with them or not. Personally I think that's nonsense, but it is what it is.

So the fact that I have even been in a relationship for any length of time, which went from 4 August until last Saturday to be precise, is a minor miracle. Who would take so much as an interest in me, let alone stay with me for over three months? Well this particular lady did and for the majority of the time she seemed to be really interested in me; we got on well, went out quite often and enjoyed each others company. However, whenever I tried to move the relationship forward (I don't just mean physically) I was hit by barriers and it was becoming increasingly difficult to feel comfortable. I felt like I was the only one making the effort to progress, trying to strike the balance between this and not pressuring her. Nevertheless, I was accused of not being spontaneous, which I was confused about because I was trying to progress things and make them more 'interesting,' albeit it is true that me and the word 'spontaneous' don't tend to go together. I blame that on anxiety too.

It then came out that there were several aspects of my life she wasn't happy with, basically; she was nice about it but it was clear that many issues sat uncomfortably with her. The driving thing was one and the on-going situation with my mum was another. I was basically being judged for not driving and having a routine where I needed to see my mum and support her and my dad with her dementia. There may have been more to it too, but they are the only things that I got, in a round about way, confirmed.

The main thing that annoyed me was that I was very open with her very early on about what I have to offer. She found out on date two that I don't drive, date three about my mum and on date four I gave her an overview of the dreaded anxiety and how it has affected my life. I felt comfortable enough with her at that point to be totally honest with her about the fact things haven't been plain sailing and she seemed totally fine with that. After all, she kept seeing me and I was told that I was a 'keeper.' So it was very annoying that she used these things against me as a reason to break up with me, which she did, by the way, finally by text.

Now as I've said, there may have been more to it, reasons that I will never know, and although it sounds like I'm having a go at her (well yes, that's because I am), I am totally sure that my lack of experience was against me and that I could have handled things differently. I'm not too sure how, but I'm sure I could have. So I'm sure we were both to blame by the break up and, although she did it via text, breaking up was clearly the right thing to do as she didn't feel she could make a relationship work with me, so that's fair enough. In the end it was probably just as simple as it being a personality clash which took a while to become clear.

As I have blogged about before, I met this girl online. That is the only way I'm ever going to meet someone; my town is like a vacuum for single girls and even if I did meet someone unexpectedly I wouldn't have the confidence to do anything. At least with the online thing you know that the person you're going to be meeting actually wants you to be there and, you'd hope, for similar reasons.

The bad thing about the online thing is that, in my opinion, it encourages relationships that are based even more on materialism than real life. Real life itself is bad enough, but ultimately what do people look at when they first see someone online? Their physical appearance. Then what they do for a living and then their practical ability and associated stuff. That usually marks pass/fail. I'm not bothered about what a girl is into, within reason, or what they can/can't do. I'm looking for someone who I feel totally comfortable with, who is compassionate, kind, honest, reliable, trustworthy. I thought this was commonplace, and all the noise around the edges - like being or not being able to drive - was unimportant in the grand scheme. But so far I have not experienced this. Maybe I am living in the 1920s or something?

Then there's the laying your cards down on the table thing. I was honest with my girlfriend very early on, as I mentioned, about my history and other key things. The only thing I didn't mention was this blog site!! She wasn't forthcoming in reciprocating any major 'traumas' from her life, so perhaps she didn't have any, but after what happened how can I be sure that honesty is the best policy? If I want to form a relationship, if I do not want a lonely future, how do I get there when no-one will see past the noise? Yes I have baggage and no I'm not necessarily what would be perceived as a 'normal' 30 year old in that sense and I'm far away from perfect (whatever that is), but I tell you what, I would sure as hell work damn hard to make a relationship work, to make my partner happy, comfortable and feel special. I know no other way.

But that doesn't seem to be enough.

But I know, really, that I have to keep being honest. So much so, that since last weekend's break up I have been even more explicit on my online profile. Well, about the not driving thing at least. I haven't yet put 'I suffered with anxiety for most of my life and my mum has dementia.' Re the former, check out my previous blog; if I did put something about anxiety, I'd get nowhere thanks to stigma.

So what have I learnt? Not much that I didn't already know, unfortunately. Most of it has just reinforced my original thinking. The key thing I've discovered is that I was right all along about me not knowing what I'm doing, about the materialism thing and about girls not wanting a bar of me given my 'baggage' and history. I guess I've also learnt that I wouldn't want to be with someone who is bothered about these sorts of things anyway; the problem is, where do I find the right person for me? And how do I find out, for certain, whether I'm doing something fundamentally wrong, or not?

I don't regret the relationship, that I will say with utmost honesty. No it didn't work out, but at least I was able to sustain it for over three months - which would have been impossible even only a couple of years ago or more. It shows again how much progress I have made.

What I would say to anyone who is in a happy, comfortable relationship - please, please do not take it for granted. Contrary to popular belief as a 30 year old in my home town, it does not happen for everyone.

And for me it's back to the drawing board. There will be someone out there for me, I believe, but it's whether I ever find them or not. If you are that person let me know - I'll be on the next bus to meet you.

Best wishes,
Al