It's been a testing time for me recently, not least relating to work and my continuous striving to ensure that my future ends up a happy and fulfilled one, something that I believe will only happen if I make fundamental changes in the next few years. As I've said before, it is very difficult not to blame years of anxiety for regrets and reasons why my life isn't taking the track I wish it to. I believe that this explanation is too easy, though, and I have since learnt that I have now got to be grateful that my anxiety condition is under control enough to the point where I can actually plan for my future. Okay, so it may not turn out the way I have imagined, but to envisage a future not in the grips of anxiety is something that, a few years ago, I couldn't have imagined.
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| Been as we're all obsessed with these things these days... |
And I think it is, therefore, about time I wrote a blog that focused on what the positives are about having experienced and lived with an anxiety condition. All of what I'm about to focus on I don't believe would have been classed as such 'positives' if I hadn't had anxiety. Yes, it may only be now, when I'm able to think with more clarity and less fear, that I can appreciate these positives, but ultimately anxiety has shaped who I am - in many ways, I feel, for the better.
1) I rarely get nervous anymore.
In the past, being nervous was the norm. I was always nervous, and when I was thrown into situations were nervousness was perceived as normal, I was an anxious mess. Driving lessons represent a good example - often a nervous experience for anyone, especially early on. For me, they were terrifying and panic attack inducing, to the point where I had to stop. However, having gone through all of that and gaining techniques to help manage anxious feelings as a result of intensive CBT, I have learnt to manage nerves so much that I barely get nervous now in most situations. Okay, so this is partly down to avoiding situations that have, in the past, caused me great anxiety (like, I have never driven since 2006!) but when I do something that is generally seen as a nervous situation, I simply apply my aggressive behavioural techniques and deal with it accordingly. A good example came this week, when I had a job interview. Bar a few last minute tremors, I was absolutely fine and anxiety-free in the build up and during. Years ago, I'd have been ruminating about it for days before and then not be able to undertake the interview due to mass panic. I didn't even go for jobs in the past even when anything remotely interesting came up, because I knew there was no point.
This should stand me strong against difficult things that come my way in the next few years. Another example will come next May - I have booked an eight-day trip to Ireland, yes on my own, which again is something that would have terrified me in the past to the point where I wouldn't have even bothered to do it. Had it not been for extreme levels of past anxiety, though, I may have never obtained the levels of support I had received to make it possible to make these situations comfortable.
2) I don't take things for granted.
I'm now going to list a few things that I believe most people who grow up in a relatively-speaking affluent western area take for granted:
- Eating out
- Catching a train
- Enjoying your own time
- Cycling or swimming
- Socialising with friends
These are all things that I could not, would not or struggled to do for many years. Anxiety and panic disorder destroyed my ability to undertake basic activities to the point where I would avoid eating out with friends, have a panic attack if my heart rate increased during exercise or where my mind raced out of control when I spent any time on my own. Now I am fortunate enough to have come out of the other side from the most extreme effects of anxiety, I can do these tasks with relative ease - and even enjoyment - rather than dread and fear. And consequently, I have learnt not to take any of these things for granted. I'm so pleased when I can go out with a friend and enjoy a meal and I'm so happy afterwards. Sounds stupid maybe, but having grown up all of my life in a position where these things would have been nigh on impossible it is so good to be able to actually enjoy them.
I had a bit of a rant recently about how analytical social activities seem to be; I don't think anyone who had a condition that prevented them from socialising, or at least prevented enjoyment of social activities, would be quite so analytical and maybe as a society we could just enjoy it!
3) I'm not particularly materialistic.
That previous blog I just mentioned also talked about materialism - life is all about money and materialism in this day and age, and I believe that having anxiety has made me realise there is more to life than just money. It's also about laughing, compassion, enjoyment, confidence, calmness and actually being able to function without fear. Okay, so as your average Brit I think we're all materialistic to an extent, when comparing ourselves to other parts of the world, but despite money dominating everyone's life, I firmly believe it is only a means to an end. I'm really proud to have this standpoint - and I think anxiety has made me take this view.
4) Anxiety has made me a more considerate person.
I like to help people, as I'm sure most people do. But because of numbers 2 and 3 above, I get more out of the feeling of being considerate than I believe I would have otherwise. I believe people warm to you more and appreciate you more as a person. Sadly, I live in a place where there is a rife lack of consideration generalising in society - okay, so people who live in their own world and who don't tend to consider others are often more dominating and noticeable in society (the loud minority?). Having said that, I do believe where I live has become overwhelmed by a huge amount of inconsiderate people in the last few years. Politeness and support has gone out of the window.
Or, it could be that I'm simply noticing this more as I have worked hard to become more considerate??
5) I'm better at my job.
For two reasons: 1) I'm not constantly nervous and looking over my shoulder at when the next panic attack will occur. My mind is clearer and more able to focus on the job in hand, rather than get cluttered up with anxiety related crap. 2) Similar to my third point above, having anxiety has made me appreciate different things in life, and striving to do the best I can in my job is another of those things.
6) I appreciate my surroundings more.
I could have lumped this in with number 3, but I feel it deserves it's own entry. I come to this conclusion because I am very lucky to live near to some fabulous countryside which I have always taken for granted in the past. No longer. I take in every moment spent in said countryside, and appreciate it for what it is - beautiful.
7) I am closer with my friends.
I am lucky to have maintained a core group of friends over the years. Without them, difficulties would have been impossibilities. I do believe, also, that I have become closer to them and am able to trust them more as a result of anxiety. Reasons for this are primarily twofold: 1) because of a combination of numbers two to four above. 2) Because in many cases, I have at times confided in these friends about what I have gone through with anxiety. I think overall that they have appreciated this and think of me as someone who isn't scared of talking about the difficult topics, making them feel easier to talk to me about their issues and generally building up that trust further.
8) I can empathise with other anxiety sufferers.
People say it's not kudos to say you 'suffer' from anxiety. Try telling that to me when I was in the grip of my many thousands (literally) of panic attacks. Trust me, I was suffering. What this experience has allowed me to do, however, is understand and appreciate what other people who are suffering with anxiety are going through. I'm certainly no counsellor (you'll all be delighted to know) but I do know the importance of an appreciative ear, which is something I can now offer. I can also signpost people to help and support and share my experiences with them about how I got help. Peer-to-peer learning, if you'll excuse the rather corporate term. I wish I'd had this back during my worst times.
This blog, of course, has purposely ignored the negatives that anxiety has given me, both the more obvious negatives at the time of heightened anxiety, but also how it has shaped my life in ways I perhaps wasn't hoping for. But I am finally starting to get over this now, and instead start focusing on the eight points above. I am finally looking to my future with a little more positivity, by taking action (e.g. booking that holiday I mentioned) and saying to hell with pessimism. It is nowhere near perfect and probably will never be; moreover, I will always have anxiety and it will always be there to interject at times. But the key thing is this - only I can influence whether my future is positive or negative.
The main positive of all? I am finally in a position where I can consider influencing anything without being dictated by the devil of anxiety.
Best wishes
Al
