Christmas with Anxiety

I love Christmas, mainly because for me it brings a time of social activity and general traditions which I'm quite fond of.  The social activity comes about because many friends reside around my home town for a couple of weeks either side of Christmas Day and this allows me to keep my mind active by enjoying some days and nights with people I enjoy spending time with.  It rarely inflicts social anxiety as I am comfortable with people I know, so, gladly, that doesn't really come into it.

Santa isn't as I imagined him... her

The vast majority of my annual leave is taken either side of Christmas so that I can enjoy these days without having to worry about work.  I have moved back to my parents for the duration too, as family are of course important at this time of year, even if they do drive you to distraction.  

So far, I've been to different pubs with different friends on different evenings, been clubbing as part of the work Christmas do, been for a walk with a friend, a coffee and just generally caught up with 'my people.'  

But there are also two real challenges for me at this time of year amongst all of the joviality, both of which tend to intensify as the holiday goes on. 

The first is the battle of depression.  Now, as I've specified on this blog before, I don't suffer from depression and cannot claim to imagine what people who have chronic depression must go through.  In fact, I risk insulting people who have depression here by calling what I experience 'depression,' when in reality it only scratches the surface of what a chronic depression sufferer experiences.  However, there have been times when I get depressed (such as when I first moved into my shared house) but [touches wood] this has only ever lasted for a short time.  For the sake of this discussion, I shall call it 'feeling low' rather than depression henceforth.

Staving off feeling low is difficult.  This is a time when you actively see young couples - my age, and moreover, people I know - flourishing.  The world of social media doesn't help with this, as people these days post pictures of their happy lives and all the gifts they have received from their loved one.  But it's everywhere; nowadays, I have to consider what my friends are doing with their partners to fit them into my social schedule.  Then, of course, you hear all about 'them' as a couple when you meet with them.  Christmas brings this out even more than normal.

Whilst it is difficult for me to attribute any 'blame' for not being in a relationship (and indeed there is difficulty around the whole concept of 'blaming' anxiety for anything), I am in no doubt that my experiences with anxiety and the effects it has had on, for example, self-esteem has, at the very least, contributed to my lack of success in a relationship.  And now I'm at an age where I'd love to be in a committed relationship, I get very low when I start, as is human nature, comparing myself with others who have got a strong, happy relationship.  I am extremely negative when it comes to relationships and my future prospects, which I appreciate is something I need to work on, but the Christmas period really doesn't help with this and the more exposure I have to people - especially friends - being in happy relationships, the harder it is to fight off that sense of 'lowness.' 

Another factor to add into this is my family.  As I may have mentioned before, I have a tiny family (in terms of numbers not height).  Most of the people I know have a least one or two days seeing the rest of the family; grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, brothers and sisters.  I have none of this whatsoever.  My only other family bar my parents live 65 and 75 miles away respectively, and this only resembles five individuals.  I sometimes wish I had a larger family, because despite all of the annoyances that they can cause, it would at least offer some more social buzz, and I do get a bit low when I hear of what my friends get up to at 'family Christmas gatherings.'  The only positive to not having a larger family is that I don't get people asking me 'why am I not in a relationship?', or least making the insinuation.  Not to my face, anyway.

I also think my life could have been a lot richer and potentially more anxiety-free if I'd had a bigger family around me all my life, even if it was just a brother or sister.  This is pure and (frankly) pointless speculation of course, but I do ponder on this sometimes.

The second difficulty with Christmas is a direct anxiety related one.  One thing I can't cope with is too much time with not enough mind occupation.  Work occupies my mind sufficiently for most of the year and consequently, the nasty thoughts that can clog up my mind when it's less occupied don't appear to often.  Having an occupied mind can also stave away things like health anxiety; pains and discomforts that occur when I'm at work tend to go quicker as I have been focusing my mind more and there's almost no room in the box of thoughts left for rubbish.  This hasn't always been the case in the past, but CBT has helped me focus on my life rather than the aforementioned rubbish.  

However, when I'm off work for over two weeks, my mind is emptier.  For example, I spent Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day in almost sole company of my parents, doing very little.  A trip to town on Christmas Eve and a walk on Boxing day morning totalled my time out of the house in these three days totalled about four hours out of over 72 in total.  This does allow for some much needed relaxation, and I also make sure I plan my time even when I'm in the house and/or on my own.  But the activities I undertake do not occupy my mind half as much as when I am at work for 40 hours each week, thus allowing other thoughts and the aforementioned 'bad thought intensification' to filter through.

This mind space can also intensify the first point around feeling low; I have more time to dwell on this as I have less to focus on.  The social events make up for this to an extent, but even a day without any such activity can really have a negative impact on me.  All of this, of course, heightens anxiety and the outputs of it, in terms of panic and stress.

And of course, being in a relationship would allow for less 'emptier' times in the first place, so both of these negatives go hand in hand.

So Christmas is a time when I really need to work hard to get a balance between being able to enjoy and appreciate the temporary richer social life and relaxation from work, but to not let this be spoilt by filling up my mind with anxiety-inducing thoughts.  The next few days, up to New Year's Day, could be quite hard, as I will be unoccupied for most of it.  But fortunately the last few days of the holiday, up until when I return to work on the 6th January, are comparatively full from a social perspective, so hopefully this will allow me to clear my mind from these negative thoughts as well as preventing new ones from infiltrating.

And then two weeks later, I start my new job...

I hope you all had a brilliant Christmas and here's to a fantastic 2014.

Best wishes
Al

The Job Interview

First of all, my apologies for not writing a blog for nearly a month.  The last few weeks have proved to be very busy and interesting for one main reason: I have a new job.  

My first day?

To refresh on the context, I have been working at my current employment since September 2008, so over five years.  In that time, I have been able to maximise my position; when I first started, I admit that the work I did, both amount and quality, was not enough to justify my salary (OK, the first four months was unpaid, but I mean most of say 2009).  However in the past year, it's been the opposite, and most of what I do is at a grade (or more, in some cases) higher.  I appreciate this is the case for most people, but in my case it's largely my fault.  I chose to specialise in a specific area and this has led me to regional and national conferences and showcasing work to various people.

And overall, I really enjoy my job.  When you take away all the rubbish that comes of working in a large organisation - like words I don't understand and hierarchy for example - the actual projects I've been working on have been really interesting and they have allowed me to flourish.  From an anxiety perspective, my confidence has been boosted through doing several presentations and forcing myself to speak to people who may have once made me uncomfortable.  I went through a particularly difficult time in 2011 (see previous blogs) which, although not caused by work, affected it but gladly I managed to get through that with time.  And particularly in the past year to 18 months, I feel I have made some good achievements outside the boundaries of my original remit.  

But of course, the one thing I will miss more than anything are some of the people.  People in such a large, and such a continuously restructured organisation come and go like taxis down a high street, but there have been some mainstays and some whom I can now call friends.  One of the biggest characters I have met is also leaving imminently, so in a way the timing of my moving on is a good one. But there will still be some great people that I will leave behind... some not so great granted, but these are well outweighed.

So if all is so rosy, why even look to change, especially given the fact that there aren't many jobs floating around at the moment?  Well firstly, this particular job that came up is for an organisation that I have worked with before and who I admire; I know a couple of the people there (which as we all know may have, at least in part, helped me get the job in the first place) and they are very nice.  Secondly, working for this organisation will give me better prospects, I believe, to continue working and progressing in my particular field.  In terms of pay, there's about a £1k increase but the commute will negate this so it'll be about the same.

But the main reason I've decided to apply and accept this job is because I need to challenge myself.  I initially applied thinking "I'd hope to get an interview, but I would be surprised if I got the job."  However, it was still worth applying because I'd never have a proper interview before, and as someone with anxiety this is a daunting situation.  So I felt, initially, that I needed to test myself with an interview, get some experience and most importantly, test my anxiety.

"Because at the end of the day, the interview itself isn't daunting. It's the anxiety I may have to face that's the hard part."

So i got the interview - immediate stomach churning when I heard - and luckily only had about five days to prepare for it.  I say luckily, because the longer I'd have had to prepare, the longer I would have had for rumination, thus heightening the anxiety.  So I worked on this five minute presentation I had to give, went through my covering letter and went through things that I didn't want them to ask, so as to prepare accordingly.  

The interview time was 2:40pm.  I wished it was 9:40am or something, to get it out of the way!  But I had to live with this, so I went to work that morning, simply because I needed to take my mind off it as best as I could.  Along with this, I had to put my anxiety-alleviating techniques to the test. Simple things like:

- Making only a few people aware of the interview, to take the pressure off - but enough people so that I can call them up if I needed assistance.
- Take anything with me that might help, e.g. my tablet (not to write blogs though!!), a newspaper, sugary foods and snacks, mp3 player etc.
- Focus on other people, what they are doing and saying... whilst trying not to be stalker-ish.
- Prepare logistics, e.g. train times etc so that I don't get stressed about anything like this.

I got to the interview venue about ten minutes early, and was called in ten minutes late - that total of 20 minutes was the hardest.  For the whole day, I'd felt physically challenged shall we say, but I'd always had things and techniques to occupy myself with.  That 20 minutes, sitting in their reception, I had to just wait.  Little to occupy my mind or my eyes.  I was just about able to focus on my breathing, but this was difficult at times.  

Then the moment of the interview - a small room, with three people sitting opposite me with papers and pens.  Two of them I knew, one I didn't... but knowing them didn't really help me at the time; if anything it made things worse.  I felt tight but most importantly in control, and managed to go through my presentation and interview well.  By the end I felt good, partially in relief that I'd done it and the anxiety was over but also because I felt that I did as good as I could have done.  The fact that I got the job, in this respect, was almost irrelevant on the basis that I went into the interview and, despite some (comparatively, compared to what I would have felt in years past) minor anxiety beforehand, came through it with relative ease.  

I found out I got the job the day after, which I was still surprised at.  I would have thought that at least one other person applying would have had more experience or been able to bullshit more than me.  Perhaps this is an organisation who liked me for me - I was my usual self during the interview, very incorporate and approachable (I hope!) - rather than an unnatural 'talk the talk' type person, which I can't do.  In my experience, people who do the latter often get jobs, but hopefully it's a good sign that this organisation employed someone who isn't like this - i.e., me.  

Granted, general experience is as much of a reason I could say the following statement.  But a couple of years ago, I couldn't have even considered applying for this job, because I would have been in no fit state to go to an interview from an anxiety perspective.  Yes I still had some anxiety, but it was almost - almost - a 'normal' amount of anxiety, i.e. that most people without a chronic condition would have experienced.  The main success came via rationalisation, something that sounds so blindingly obvious but is often so hard to put into practice.  

OK, so I'm in a position where, if I'd not have got this job, or more importantly, if I couldn't have gone through with the interview, it wouldn't have mattered because I still have a job to go back to.  The pressure was therefore not as high as what it could be for some people who are starting out.  But even still, such basic techniques that I've learnt from over 50+ sessions of CBT have helped me turn what would have not so long ago been an impossible, almost dangerous challenge to one I achieved with comparative calm and, ultimately, success. 

I suppose in summary, I am advocating talking therapy and showing that it can help you achieve things in life that many people take for granted.  That's one thing I'm not doing here.

Of course, the challenge for me has only just begun.  The new job itself will bring about new challenges.  The work itself, for one, meeting new people, for two, a daily hour-long train journey, for three... and most of all, this is the first job that I am expected to go into knowing what I'm doing.  So the pressure will be on, and it's up to me to handle that using the same and other techniques that I have learnt.  I will no doubt keep this blog up to date with progress.

My other fear is losing some of the people I have met.  As I've said before, the power of other people and friends in helping to indirectly alleviate anxiety is massive and leaving some of them behind will be hard, especially as I will be working in a much smaller organisation where the opportunity to meet people will be more limited.  But again, it's up to me to take control and ensure that this doesn't happen by keeping in touch with people and making the effort with new ones. Who knows, this could be the best move I've ever made and, either way, it's certainly a challenge I need to undertake for my own development.

Best wishes
Al