I was lucky enough to get 3 weeks off work, which is just as well given how busy it's been getting there lately. A much needed break.
Sorry, I meant "break."
Christmas can, for obvious reasons, put a lot of pressure on folk with anxiety, which is hardly surprising... for me, one of the main things is eating out on a more frequent basis, which, as I've explained in previous blogs, is not something I'm overly good at. However, there have been a couple of recent eating out events, all of which have gone ok, so I was hopeful this one would be the same.
The scene: It was a colleague's (and a friend's) Birthday from the office where I work. 27 people were attending, largely due to the fact that it had slowly merged into a Christmas lunch, not just a Birthday lunch. Anyway, even though I'm on leave, I was invited and gladly accepted. It was held at The Sun pub in Stafford; a nice and a fairly 'safe' venue for me.
It all started fine; I was having a good chat and a laugh with a few colleagues. The food was served, and again, the food situation was going well, in that I was actually managing to eat it. Many events like this that have occurred in the past ended up with me leaving hungrier than when I started, but it was all good.
In attendance with us was an ex-colleague, who retired a couple of years ago. He's an absolute legend; he is the sort of person that has that enviable knack of making everyone's face light up when he enters the room you're in. He was being his usual jovial self. Then, suddenly, another fellow colleague had to leave early, and went to say a specific goodbye to this retired chap given he's not someone we see in work everyday. As she was saying bye, the chap was completely non-responsive, as though he didn't know she was there. It suddenly transpired that, rather than him joking around, something was seriously wrong. He'd just shutdown, barely able to function, and had apparently got very hot. Within 30 seconds of the colleague saying cheerio, another colleague was phoning for an ambulance.
Now understandably, aided by this chap's popularity, everyone went from being happy and chatty to shocked, concerned and quiet. The problem is, no-one knew what was wrong. He was able to speak to the ambulance service on the phone himself, but with difficulty, and his condition deteriorated and his wife, also present, took over.
Now, for about 6 or 7 minutes of this, I had to start concentrating on myself. I felt a little light-headed and there were slight symptoms of a panic attack fizzing around inside me. I thought once I'd got over the initial shock I'd be fine, though, especially given how far I've come over the past year or so.
However, after this 6 or 7 minutes, when the phone passed to his wife, I got worse, and realised I had to vacate the room; I was going to faint if I hadn't done. Luckily the toilets were close by and the one cubicle was vacant, so I had to go in there, sit face down, breathe deeply and compose myself.
Bearing in mind I have health anxiety, I'm sure you can appreciate what this must have been like.
I was disappointed in myself. I had to remove this feeling, though, and focus on the positives, mainly, that I actually removed myself from the scene. Once upon a time, I would have pretended that I was fine, possibly resulting in me fainting on the spot. Imagine the disaster that would have occurred had this happened, given the already materialising circumstances.
I was in the toilets for at least 20 minutes before I managed to get up, and gladly in that time the chap had been taken out of the area and put into the ambulance outside. I then paid and left swiftly, made easier by the fact that many others had already gone. No-one really knew where I had been in the interim and no-one has since questioned it.
I'm pleased to say I've since heard that this chap, who I really care about, is apparently doing ok.
So why did this happen? I've (luckily) never been in a situation before where someone has suddenly become ill like this with no apparent warning. It has happened to people before but I've never been there to witness it. So perhaps it came as a shock for that reason, but not everyone in this situation would faint...
So, anxiety it is then. With health anxiety, one of my biggest fears is having a heart attack or stroke or something along these sort of lines, and even though I'm not sure what this chap had, it was clearly not good and perhaps seeing something that I attributed to my biggest fears actually happening in front of me generated that reaction.
Perhaps, because everyone was panicking about this chap etc, my mind was doing it's 'oh boy, I'd better not have a panic attack or faint now' thing, because of the nature of the situation, making the likelihood of an attack occurring all the greater, of course. Perhaps, as I suspect, it was a combination of the above two factors.
Whatever the reason, I just hope this doesn't set me back in the progress I have made. I hate how any 'event' like this always ends up with me being selfish and having to look after and think about myself, rather than concentrating on being concerned for the person to whom the 'event' has actually happened to.
A day in the life of an anxiety sufferer.
Best wishes and have a wonderful Christmas
Al
Tuesday 18 December 2012
Sunday 2 December 2012
Loneliness II
This blog follows on from the one I wrote back in July... sadly, little has changed.
I've only felt like this for about 4-5 years, and for the first couple of years of this, I thought that filling my own space and time with activities was OK and was an acceptable substitution for socialising. But now I realise that even this isn't enough. I now understand that I'm a people person, I enjoy talking to, laughing with and helping other people, it's part of my nature.
Whether it's been there all the time and I've just been suppressing it, I'm not sure. It could be, somewhat ironically, that isolating myself so much for so long as caused me to develop into this 'people person.' If you averaged the amount of 'alone time' I've had compared to most people in this country at my age, I would guess I'm well over double the average. When focusing purely on non-work or non-academic time, it'd be even more.
At the end of the day, if I had a satisfactory social calendar, I wouldn't have time to write this blog.
Of course, bouts of social anxiety and panic disorder --- yadda yadda --- haven't helped over the years, but there is a significant possibility that a lack of social activity has actually, at least in part, caused this. Anxiety itself, in my case, may have come from isolation and, in turn, a lack of confidence in myself and in social situations.
It could be the other way round, of course, where anxiety caused my lack of confidence and social isolation... but either way, years of being 'under-sociable' has got me stuck somewhat in a hole that I'm finding very difficult to come out of. I'm still shy on confidence when meeting new people, although much better than I was and more willing, but now that school and uni have gone, the opportunities are very limited.
And certainly these days, being on my own does cause anxiety and depression, even if this never used to be the case.
I have thought of ways to improve my social status, in spite of the 'limited opportunities' I refer to above. But many of them would involve quitting my job, which in this day and age would just be stupid.
But of course, back in March 2011, I visited Exeter University in order to more closely inspect a masters course with, if I'm honest, the main objective to be improving my social calendar by going back to uni. This trip resulted in the biggest panic attack I've ever had, and took around a year of hard work to recover from.
No wonder I'm tentative. No wonder big decisions frighten me. No wonder I'm stuck in this rut...
Best wishes
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A good, aptly named song
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I've spent years isolating myself, all the way up until the final year of University when I finally started to become more confident. I was embarrassed about who I was; pre-'realising I had chronic anxiety' because I couldn't explain some of my behaviour, and post-'realising I had chronic anxiety,' because, well, I knew I had chronic anxiety. I always seemed to think that isolation was the best answer despite what friends and professionals used to tell me, citing that "I like my own space and time." As Chandler said in Friends, "we could get them together and make a continuum."
And even now, where I think the opposite, I still enjoy my own space and time, but only every so often. As it happens, I have far too much of my own space and time. I've only felt like this for about 4-5 years, and for the first couple of years of this, I thought that filling my own space and time with activities was OK and was an acceptable substitution for socialising. But now I realise that even this isn't enough. I now understand that I'm a people person, I enjoy talking to, laughing with and helping other people, it's part of my nature.
Whether it's been there all the time and I've just been suppressing it, I'm not sure. It could be, somewhat ironically, that isolating myself so much for so long as caused me to develop into this 'people person.' If you averaged the amount of 'alone time' I've had compared to most people in this country at my age, I would guess I'm well over double the average. When focusing purely on non-work or non-academic time, it'd be even more.
At the end of the day, if I had a satisfactory social calendar, I wouldn't have time to write this blog.
Of course, bouts of social anxiety and panic disorder --- yadda yadda --- haven't helped over the years, but there is a significant possibility that a lack of social activity has actually, at least in part, caused this. Anxiety itself, in my case, may have come from isolation and, in turn, a lack of confidence in myself and in social situations.
It could be the other way round, of course, where anxiety caused my lack of confidence and social isolation... but either way, years of being 'under-sociable' has got me stuck somewhat in a hole that I'm finding very difficult to come out of. I'm still shy on confidence when meeting new people, although much better than I was and more willing, but now that school and uni have gone, the opportunities are very limited.
And certainly these days, being on my own does cause anxiety and depression, even if this never used to be the case.
I have thought of ways to improve my social status, in spite of the 'limited opportunities' I refer to above. But many of them would involve quitting my job, which in this day and age would just be stupid.
But of course, back in March 2011, I visited Exeter University in order to more closely inspect a masters course with, if I'm honest, the main objective to be improving my social calendar by going back to uni. This trip resulted in the biggest panic attack I've ever had, and took around a year of hard work to recover from.
No wonder I'm tentative. No wonder big decisions frighten me. No wonder I'm stuck in this rut...
Best wishes
Al
Friday 2 November 2012
The Chaos of Social Anxiety
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Joxer Brady's pub in Stafford
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I thought I would attempt to share with you what my socially anxious mind goes through when I'm asked whether I would like to attend a very basic social gathering. In this case, it was just an impromptu trip to a nearby pub for a quiz on a Thursday evening at 9:00.
Realities in black, thoughts in red...
5:02
I am asked by my colleague at work, just before I leave, what I'm doing this evening. Colleagues don't usually ask what one is doing in an evening, perhaps unless it is a weekend. My suspicions were raised... What has he got in mind?
5:02
I replied with 'not much, I don't think,' a vague response which I wanted, but one that still suggests that I'm largely free. He asks me whether I would like to go to the pub as the colleague from work is running the quiz on this particular night. I reply with 'erm.... [general hesitation and stuttering].... sounds interesting... I'll let you know.' Him and another colleague, also attending, then proceeded to persuade me. I then said I would let him know.
5:03
They also inform me that quiz participants are eligible for discount sausage and chips at the interval... Of course, I fear eating out which almost made the decision for me... but wait, I don't have to eat! That isn't an excuse to not go! But it's easier not to...
By this time it was 5:05.
5:12
I arrive home (yes, I live that close to work) and decide that 'I have things to get done' such as eating (forget the discount sausage), showering and other mundane things like compiling a shopping list. Oh well, I need to get all this done anyway so if I can't get it all done by 9pm I won't be able to go out, and the decision is made for me. But I don't really need to do it all. Some of it can wait. Either way I can make myself free. But I'd feel more comfortable if I could get it done...
7:15
I had done everything... nearly two hours before needing to leave. Oh no, everything is done, now I have no excuse! What if I'm terrible at the quiz? What if I have a funny with the food, or people place judgement if I decline it? And hang on... the quiz doesn't start until 9, what if it finishes late and I go to bed later than normal... work is tomorrow! But I could go in later. But then I'd have to leave later because I have too much to do! That'll ruin my schedule tomorrow evening! But actually I don't really have a schedule... more things to do, yes, but nothing urgent! But what if it screws my sleep up? Then I'll get anxious... I could get anxious at the quiz itself! But then I could get depressed if I don't go out and end up having nothing to do...
8:35
This sort of thought chaos was going through my mind all throughout this time... until I had about 80% decided I was going to go. Then my housemate comes in and is up for a catch up, but only until 9:10 because he's off out... is this an excuse not to go to the quiz? Not really... if he leaves at 9:10 I could leave with him and get there as bit late... but I don't want to get there late... and if I do go I've got the same issues as before...
So me and my housemate catch up until 9:10.
9:10
OK Al it's make or break time... do I go to the quiz? Come on, let's just go, it's not that difficult, so what if I go to bed a bit later, I know I'm being irrational... but...
9:12
I leave the house... but end up going with my housemate to another pub instead. I can control this situation more, I'd prefer to be with my housemate anyway and I can leave when I like. And there's no sausage... but my colleagues at the quiz will now think less of me, or get annoyed because I've messed them around...
If this is what happens for a conventional night (bearing in mind this is significantly simplified), a night of self beating and total chaos, imagine what it's like when there is a big event planned? And also bear in mind, my housemate unintentionally helped me out of this chaos this time... I don't always get fortunate like this, i.e. someone to bail me out, so in other circumstances the decision about the quiz would need to be made either way...
The day in the life of an anxiety sufferer...
Best wishes
Al
Friday 19 October 2012
Pizza Off
I posted a blog fairly recently about my problems with eating out. Somehow, I have managed to avoid an evening meal out, bar the odd takeaway in a pub (don’t ask) for getting on for a year. But this is all about to change.
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Pizza Express, or 'hell,' Stafford
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*Dramatic drum music, with fanfare*
A week on Friday, there is a meal out planned for someone’s work leaving do. Given the economic climate, there have been many leaving dos lately and all of them have had meals involved. I, however, have always ‘just gone out for drinks afterwards’ as I have ‘things I need to do’ beforehand.
Basically, I’ve lied to get out of it. I’ve had a reality check this time though. Why should I have to lie to get out of an occasion simply because it might not agree with anxiety?
But this particular meal out is going to be hard. It’s at Pizza Express in Stafford, which is actually a nice venue for a meal out. But this particular restaurant has a pretty big stigma attached to it. I remember, eight years ago now, there was a meal at P.E that involved quite a few people, at which I had my first major ‘struggling’ episode in terms of eating out (see previous blog), which put me off eating for a long time subsequently. Of course at the time, I didn’t really know what was going on, which made it all the worse.
I’ve also had a couple of less major ‘struggles’ at P.E since this incident, which have meant, all in all, I don’t like going there.
So after I agreed to challenge myself by going for a meal out, when it transpired that it was going to be at P.E, I raised an eyebrow awry in ‘sod’s law’ irony.
The main thing I have to do is remember that, actually, people aren’t going to be focusing on me; they will be focusing on the person who is leaving. So why should there be any pressure on me? Easier said than done, of course...
I’m not really sure what I’m feeling about it. Ask me this time next week. But what I do know is that it is a challenge that I feel I need to set myself, so I can move on into the future...
...into the future, where, on 21 December, I will be attending a Christmas meal at another venue in Stafford.
Hurrah!
Merry Christmas and a happy pizzeria.
Best wishes
Al
Monday 8 October 2012
Anxiety Bites 1
I didn't have one specific topic that I wanted to blog about, so I thought I'd give you a snapshot of my recent thoughts.
Holiday of a Lifetime
I went for a 3-day caravan break to Wales at the end of September. Most people would consider their lives to be in a sad state of affairs if this was their main holiday, but for me, the achievement of even getting on the train to Borth from Stafford (3 hours) was a huge one. I am pleased to report I was fine, and I was actually able to enjoy the break, so much so that I didn't want to go back. I went with my good friend and we walked 17 miles in two days, and we even had the weather to go with it!
I think the reason for the success is because there was no pressure. My friend knows about my anxiety conditions and I know that I could talk to him if I needed, which helps. There was no eating out involved; instead we cooked every night so I had more control over what and how much we ate. I learnt a lot about what my 'type' of holiday is from this trip, and I'm ready to go away again!
What If You're Actually Ill?
As explained on numerous occasions, I have health anxiety; I become so convinced that I'm getting something serious that it can cause great anxiety, making me feel physically ill... and so the cycle starts again. But what if I actually get a physical illness? I speak at present as I have a severe cold - I always get severe colds, often combined with pharyngitis (not nice) and sinus problems, and historically I've always had my fair share of colds - possibly due to anxiety messing with my immune system. I do get a bit anxious when I get a cold, such as 'what if I can't breathe when I'm asleep' etc etc, but I've always wondered how I would react psychologically if I did get a relatively serious illness. Hopefully it's something I'll never have to experience.
Compassion Knows No Bounds?
I have learnt over the past year that compassion can alleviate anxiety. I'm not totally convinced that this is true if you're in the grip of a panic attack, but it certainly provides one with a sense of positivity and happiness, which can only be a good thing. The downside to attempting to be more compassionate is that, when you make a mistake, you feel really bad about yourself. I unnecessarily ranted about there not being any tea for visitors to our workplace last week, and, without really realising it, I was aiming it at people who didn't deserve to be at the forefront of my unjustified rage. When I discovered they were upset by it, I became upset too which actually increased my anxiety! I guess the answer is to think before you act in every situation - compassion can reap great rewards whether you have anxiety or not, but only if it is embedded into every situation.
Right, time to go back to attending to my man flu.
Best wishes
Al
Holiday of a Lifetime
I went for a 3-day caravan break to Wales at the end of September. Most people would consider their lives to be in a sad state of affairs if this was their main holiday, but for me, the achievement of even getting on the train to Borth from Stafford (3 hours) was a huge one. I am pleased to report I was fine, and I was actually able to enjoy the break, so much so that I didn't want to go back. I went with my good friend and we walked 17 miles in two days, and we even had the weather to go with it!
I think the reason for the success is because there was no pressure. My friend knows about my anxiety conditions and I know that I could talk to him if I needed, which helps. There was no eating out involved; instead we cooked every night so I had more control over what and how much we ate. I learnt a lot about what my 'type' of holiday is from this trip, and I'm ready to go away again!
What If You're Actually Ill?
As explained on numerous occasions, I have health anxiety; I become so convinced that I'm getting something serious that it can cause great anxiety, making me feel physically ill... and so the cycle starts again. But what if I actually get a physical illness? I speak at present as I have a severe cold - I always get severe colds, often combined with pharyngitis (not nice) and sinus problems, and historically I've always had my fair share of colds - possibly due to anxiety messing with my immune system. I do get a bit anxious when I get a cold, such as 'what if I can't breathe when I'm asleep' etc etc, but I've always wondered how I would react psychologically if I did get a relatively serious illness. Hopefully it's something I'll never have to experience.
Compassion Knows No Bounds?
I have learnt over the past year that compassion can alleviate anxiety. I'm not totally convinced that this is true if you're in the grip of a panic attack, but it certainly provides one with a sense of positivity and happiness, which can only be a good thing. The downside to attempting to be more compassionate is that, when you make a mistake, you feel really bad about yourself. I unnecessarily ranted about there not being any tea for visitors to our workplace last week, and, without really realising it, I was aiming it at people who didn't deserve to be at the forefront of my unjustified rage. When I discovered they were upset by it, I became upset too which actually increased my anxiety! I guess the answer is to think before you act in every situation - compassion can reap great rewards whether you have anxiety or not, but only if it is embedded into every situation.
Right, time to go back to attending to my man flu.
Best wishes
Al
Sunday 30 September 2012
Time to come off the meds?
As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I've been on beta blockers to stem severe anxiety attacks for a long period of time. Overall, I would guess I've been on them for about four years, in two different spells. Given I'm only 25, that's quite a long time.
I haven't [touch wood] had any major anxiety attack now for a long time, and I'm pleased to say that my confidence in terms of certain situations, such as catching the train or any sort of public interaction, has improved greatly in the last 6-12 months. I'm on 25mg which is the smallest dosage you can get (I've been on 50mg before on both occassions), but I take one everyday and have done so in this spell since April last year.
But, given the above, one would argue that I can begin to wean myself off the beta blockers now. By wean, I mean literally halve tablets, so that I take 12.5mg a day, on average. I have a tablet cutter which is specifically designed to cut tablets into bits... Sounds ludicrous I appreciate.
The aim of course is, after a relatively short amount of time, to come off them completely.
What are the problems? What do you think...
- I worry that by coming off them I'll be more 'prone' or vulnerable to an anxiety attack occurring...
- ...and should it do so, it will be more severe than if I were to be on the tablets because I haven't got that thing to stop my heart racing out of control.
- I'm also concerned that I will notice the effects from a health persepective that reducing the dosage might produce. Hell, I have health anxiety, so I might even make up some physical discomforts that I will end up attributing to the medication reduction. Needless to say this could also generate an anxiety attack.
I mean, I have anxiety, so something seemingly trivial becomes way over-analytical.
Let's turn this around for a second - instead of the above, this is what I should be thinking:
- I'm having the thought that I'll be more 'prone' or vulnerable to an anxiety attack occurring...
- I'm having the thought that an anxiety attack will be more severe than if I were to be on the tablets because I haven't got that thing to stop my heart racing out of control.
- I'm having the thought that I will notice the effects from a health persepective that reducing the dosage might produce.
I've learnt, through therapy, that these things are merely concotions that I have formed inside my head and have no tangible basis. It's only the thoughts that will make the above points more likely to become a reality.
The other thing I learnt is not to concentrate on my heart rate. I used to be obsessive when it came to checking my heart beat, and at any sign of 'danger' I used to automatically check how fast my heart was beating. I certainly do it less now, and if I do find myself doing it I am more able to stop. But it's certainly something that will help, and I need to work harder at it to make it a really powerful tool when I do reduce the meds.
My main concern is that, whether it goes successfully or not, the process of coming off the meds will disrupt my life in a negative way, simply because of all the work that may have to go into making it a success in the first place... is it worth it?
Hang on a minute...
I'm having the thought that, whether it goes successfully or not, the process of coming off the meds will disrupt my life in a negative way, simply because of all the work that may have to go into making it a success in the first place... is it worth it?
I think this phrase could apply to any negative predictive thoughts, couldn't it?
Anyway, I will no doubt report back on how it goes.
Best wishes
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These stop my heart from taking off
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I haven't [touch wood] had any major anxiety attack now for a long time, and I'm pleased to say that my confidence in terms of certain situations, such as catching the train or any sort of public interaction, has improved greatly in the last 6-12 months. I'm on 25mg which is the smallest dosage you can get (I've been on 50mg before on both occassions), but I take one everyday and have done so in this spell since April last year.
But, given the above, one would argue that I can begin to wean myself off the beta blockers now. By wean, I mean literally halve tablets, so that I take 12.5mg a day, on average. I have a tablet cutter which is specifically designed to cut tablets into bits... Sounds ludicrous I appreciate.
The aim of course is, after a relatively short amount of time, to come off them completely.
What are the problems? What do you think...
- I worry that by coming off them I'll be more 'prone' or vulnerable to an anxiety attack occurring...
- ...and should it do so, it will be more severe than if I were to be on the tablets because I haven't got that thing to stop my heart racing out of control.
- I'm also concerned that I will notice the effects from a health persepective that reducing the dosage might produce. Hell, I have health anxiety, so I might even make up some physical discomforts that I will end up attributing to the medication reduction. Needless to say this could also generate an anxiety attack.
I mean, I have anxiety, so something seemingly trivial becomes way over-analytical.
Let's turn this around for a second - instead of the above, this is what I should be thinking:
- I'm having the thought that I'll be more 'prone' or vulnerable to an anxiety attack occurring...
- I'm having the thought that an anxiety attack will be more severe than if I were to be on the tablets because I haven't got that thing to stop my heart racing out of control.
- I'm having the thought that I will notice the effects from a health persepective that reducing the dosage might produce.
I've learnt, through therapy, that these things are merely concotions that I have formed inside my head and have no tangible basis. It's only the thoughts that will make the above points more likely to become a reality.
The other thing I learnt is not to concentrate on my heart rate. I used to be obsessive when it came to checking my heart beat, and at any sign of 'danger' I used to automatically check how fast my heart was beating. I certainly do it less now, and if I do find myself doing it I am more able to stop. But it's certainly something that will help, and I need to work harder at it to make it a really powerful tool when I do reduce the meds.
My main concern is that, whether it goes successfully or not, the process of coming off the meds will disrupt my life in a negative way, simply because of all the work that may have to go into making it a success in the first place... is it worth it?
Hang on a minute...
I'm having the thought that, whether it goes successfully or not, the process of coming off the meds will disrupt my life in a negative way, simply because of all the work that may have to go into making it a success in the first place... is it worth it?
I think this phrase could apply to any negative predictive thoughts, couldn't it?
Anyway, I will no doubt report back on how it goes.
Best wishes
Al
Saturday 22 September 2012
English Bac Would Heighten Anxiety
I've been reading with interest recently the GCSE assessment shake-up proposed by Michael Gove which, if the same Government are in power, will take place in 2017. To sum up, in the core subjects of English, maths and science, all current forms of assessment would be replaced by one long final exam, which would be weighted at 100% of the total GCSE grade.
Now, I have always been hopeless at exams. For almost every subject I ever took, I always got a higher mark for the coursework than I got for the exam. One of the main reasons for choosing the University degree that I took was because 95% of the total assessment was coursework/dissertation based, with only a measly 5% on two exams... both of which I did poorly in. I got a third and a 2:2, but ended up with a 2:1 for my degree overall, which gives you an idea of how much better I am at coursework. Had I had to take just exams at school, I probably wouldn't have got into Uni in the first place; had I had just exams at Uni, I certainly wouldn't have got a 2:1 and consequently, I wouldn't have the good job that I have today. Fact.
Why is this though? Basically because I strongly feel that exams are a greater test of your ability to work under pressure and to a time limit, rather than your ability to show your knowledge and clarity about a specific subject. I'm not saying that exams are useless, because this ability to work under pressure can be a good thing, but if I had my way, I'd ensure that no module, whether it be at GCSE, A2 or degree level, would have no more than around 30% of the total mark weighted by exams.
And that's without factoring in anxiety.
At school and particularly for the Uni exams, I put severe pressure on myself during the build up to an exam; my anxiety symptoms became bad, increasing the likelihood of a panic attack, and my mind became a scrambled racing wreck. My internal OCD that I mentioned on an earlier blog also meant that I was being forced to focus on other things aside from revision, the opposite of what I wanted.
So not only did I enter an exam hall a gibbering wreck, but I was less able to capture all of my thoughts that I may need for an exam because my mind was racing at a million mph. Moreover, because you had to be silent in an exam hall, there was extra pressure on me to make sure I had any potential panic attack quietly, without anyone else noticing... which of course is not easy.
I managed to never have a major panic attack during an exam, but I remember having several at night-time during an exam period. This, of course, affected me physically, it affected my ability to revise (again), and gave me less sleep than was required. At one of the Uni exams, I remember that my OCD was playing me up so much that I couldn't concentrate on anything I was supposed to be writing (this is the one I got a third in); it wasn't long after this exam, I remember, that I went for counselling at the Uni itself.
This is bearing in mind that most modules, even in school, had at least a small element of coursework in addition to the exams, so I can only imagine that this anxiety that was already verging on severe, get worse if there was even more pressure to do well.
I can appreciate the pitfalls of coursework; I know that plagiarism is an issue and that they are generally seen as being 'simpler' than exams. But if you are a genuine person as most are, then it is a much less anxiety-producing way of assessing someone's knowledge of a certain subject. It also does demonstrate a person's knowledge more than exams anyway, in my opinion. Perhaps there should be some innovative ideas about how to police coursework better, I'm sure it could be done.
I appreciate that the Government and the exam boards can't let a small minority with anxiety dictate their policies, and moreover I appreciate you can't produce an 'anxiety-sufferers' version of an exam (although I'd be intrigued to know what this would entail!), but I strongly believe that having your education decided purely by one exam will make people with anxiety worse off, and also give more people anxiety who perhaps didn't have anxiety before.
It doesn't make sense, especially when I believe that exams are a poor way of showcasing an individual's knowledge of a subject anyway. I'm just glad I left school when I did...
Best wishes
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They were this big...
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Why is this though? Basically because I strongly feel that exams are a greater test of your ability to work under pressure and to a time limit, rather than your ability to show your knowledge and clarity about a specific subject. I'm not saying that exams are useless, because this ability to work under pressure can be a good thing, but if I had my way, I'd ensure that no module, whether it be at GCSE, A2 or degree level, would have no more than around 30% of the total mark weighted by exams.
And that's without factoring in anxiety.
At school and particularly for the Uni exams, I put severe pressure on myself during the build up to an exam; my anxiety symptoms became bad, increasing the likelihood of a panic attack, and my mind became a scrambled racing wreck. My internal OCD that I mentioned on an earlier blog also meant that I was being forced to focus on other things aside from revision, the opposite of what I wanted.
So not only did I enter an exam hall a gibbering wreck, but I was less able to capture all of my thoughts that I may need for an exam because my mind was racing at a million mph. Moreover, because you had to be silent in an exam hall, there was extra pressure on me to make sure I had any potential panic attack quietly, without anyone else noticing... which of course is not easy.
I managed to never have a major panic attack during an exam, but I remember having several at night-time during an exam period. This, of course, affected me physically, it affected my ability to revise (again), and gave me less sleep than was required. At one of the Uni exams, I remember that my OCD was playing me up so much that I couldn't concentrate on anything I was supposed to be writing (this is the one I got a third in); it wasn't long after this exam, I remember, that I went for counselling at the Uni itself.
This is bearing in mind that most modules, even in school, had at least a small element of coursework in addition to the exams, so I can only imagine that this anxiety that was already verging on severe, get worse if there was even more pressure to do well.
I can appreciate the pitfalls of coursework; I know that plagiarism is an issue and that they are generally seen as being 'simpler' than exams. But if you are a genuine person as most are, then it is a much less anxiety-producing way of assessing someone's knowledge of a certain subject. It also does demonstrate a person's knowledge more than exams anyway, in my opinion. Perhaps there should be some innovative ideas about how to police coursework better, I'm sure it could be done.
I appreciate that the Government and the exam boards can't let a small minority with anxiety dictate their policies, and moreover I appreciate you can't produce an 'anxiety-sufferers' version of an exam (although I'd be intrigued to know what this would entail!), but I strongly believe that having your education decided purely by one exam will make people with anxiety worse off, and also give more people anxiety who perhaps didn't have anxiety before.
It doesn't make sense, especially when I believe that exams are a poor way of showcasing an individual's knowledge of a subject anyway. I'm just glad I left school when I did...
Best wishes
Al
Tuesday 11 September 2012
Reaching out to those who don't know
It's wonderful that Mind and Anxiety UK are there to help people with anxiety. The latter have dramatically helped me as it was through them that I received CBT, as well as utilise some of the tools that they provide. The former have helped me maintain my positivity following completion of CBT, again through tools but particularly with interaction from people who have shared similar experiences to me. I think both organisations are beginning to become more recognised to those who need it, although there is still work to be done of course. I'm sure there must still be many individuals who have anxiety or any other mental health problem who are either unsure where to turn or too scared to do so.
I'm confident that this is true because I was one of these people. I had all but given up hope a few years ago, but I was adamant through my pain that I needed to do something, and luckily, after much research and psyching myself up, took the step of contacting Anxiety UK. Eighteen months later, here we are.
To an extent, there has to be a level of acceptance that most people with an anxiety issue could start off in this way, uncertain about what to do or who to go to. I assume it is the same for other mental health issues.
But what about those people who don't even realise that what they have is anxiety? I can talk about this with relative confidence having known somebody who was in this situation. For no apparent reason, they once told me about these 'symptoms' they kept getting in stressful situations and how it was affecting their life, and how it had been doing so for a good couple of years. As the conversation unfolded, I was shocked to learn that they did not realise that they were actually having panic attacks and that it wasn't 'just something they had to put up with.'
But again, thinking on the spot, I remember in the dark days of high school when I used to have a panic attack probably about 5 nights a week on average, and the number of times I must have said to myself 'why does this have to happen to me?' Not infact realising that it didn't have to happen to me. Fortunately, I eventually realised, but there must be people out there going through years of misery without realising that they don't necessarily need to be, or at least, there are things they can be doing to manage whatever it is they are experiencing.
Is this something that can be rectified? How on earth do you target people if you don't know where they are? Is it a case of extreme exposure of the issue, perhaps via the form of more media coverage, whether it be TV, newspaper or the web? Obviously if you did this, whatever form the communication took it would have to spell out what anxiety is; just the word 'anxiety' wouldn't necessarily resonate with the experiences of an individual, unless, say, a list of 'symptoms' was included.
As the above paragraph suggests, unfortunately, I don't have any real answers about how all of this should be done.
You may also have a group of people, as touched on earlier, who perhaps do understand that they have anxiety but are too scared to do anything about it. This would require a different approach yet again.
Perhaps I'm being naive and idealistic to think that everyone should be able to have the help they need to tackle anxiety, or any mental health concern. Perhaps this is a call for the Government to help the likes of Mind and Anxiety UK put more resources into achieving this.
Surely everyone has the right to not let mental distress consume their lives?
Best wishes
Al
I'm confident that this is true because I was one of these people. I had all but given up hope a few years ago, but I was adamant through my pain that I needed to do something, and luckily, after much research and psyching myself up, took the step of contacting Anxiety UK. Eighteen months later, here we are.
To an extent, there has to be a level of acceptance that most people with an anxiety issue could start off in this way, uncertain about what to do or who to go to. I assume it is the same for other mental health issues.
But what about those people who don't even realise that what they have is anxiety? I can talk about this with relative confidence having known somebody who was in this situation. For no apparent reason, they once told me about these 'symptoms' they kept getting in stressful situations and how it was affecting their life, and how it had been doing so for a good couple of years. As the conversation unfolded, I was shocked to learn that they did not realise that they were actually having panic attacks and that it wasn't 'just something they had to put up with.'
But again, thinking on the spot, I remember in the dark days of high school when I used to have a panic attack probably about 5 nights a week on average, and the number of times I must have said to myself 'why does this have to happen to me?' Not infact realising that it didn't have to happen to me. Fortunately, I eventually realised, but there must be people out there going through years of misery without realising that they don't necessarily need to be, or at least, there are things they can be doing to manage whatever it is they are experiencing.
Is this something that can be rectified? How on earth do you target people if you don't know where they are? Is it a case of extreme exposure of the issue, perhaps via the form of more media coverage, whether it be TV, newspaper or the web? Obviously if you did this, whatever form the communication took it would have to spell out what anxiety is; just the word 'anxiety' wouldn't necessarily resonate with the experiences of an individual, unless, say, a list of 'symptoms' was included.
As the above paragraph suggests, unfortunately, I don't have any real answers about how all of this should be done.
You may also have a group of people, as touched on earlier, who perhaps do understand that they have anxiety but are too scared to do anything about it. This would require a different approach yet again.
Perhaps I'm being naive and idealistic to think that everyone should be able to have the help they need to tackle anxiety, or any mental health concern. Perhaps this is a call for the Government to help the likes of Mind and Anxiety UK put more resources into achieving this.
Surely everyone has the right to not let mental distress consume their lives?
Best wishes
Al
Wednesday 5 September 2012
Hello, I have anxiety... is that the time?
There is a lot of talk at the moment about whether mental health as a general concept is becoming less of a taboo issue in today's society. I think the fact that there is much talk about this strongly suggests that it is, and for that I'm sure everyone who has a mental health problem is grateful. In my opinion (or IMHO, as the trendies say*), this can only be a very good thing, especially when it comes to applying for jobs and things like that.
But I always wonder what people's reaction would be if I randomly told them I had anxiety. I recently did a blog about health anxiety for Mind, and anyone who was my friend on Facebook saw the fact that I had posted it; it apparently came up on everyone's Facebook homepage, which I didn't realise! I received two very nice messages from unexpected people following this, sharing their experiences and wishing me well, which made me somewhat emotional I'm not ashamed to admit.
One thing I have never done, though, is purposely talk to someone about anxiety, apart from on occasion to my parents and closest friends. Even in these circumstances, I would never go into too much depth particularly if it coincided on a social occasion; I'd usually make light of it as though it wasn't a big deal, even though I was probably going through a living hell even at the time of saying this to them.
But the thought of going up to someone who I was getting to know and talking about my anxiety, without a prompt from them (like them saying something like 'I have anxiety....') just doesn't seem right. Why, though?
Maybe because I still think people would think I was weird or 'ill' if I explained to them about my anxiety. Or they wouldn't take me seriously. Or they would judge me... yadda yadda. When, infact, is it me who's being the judgemental one? Or indeed, am I insulting the majority of people's intelligence and open-mindedness by thinking that they won't be open-minded?
It's particularly tricky if you're thinking of entering a relationship - do you bring up the fact that you have anxiety early, before something happens that lets them know for certain? "I really like you... just bear with me whilst I have a panic attack in the toilet."
I make light of it, but the success of how one approaches this, in my mind, could have significant ramifications for your future relationships, could it not? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Well, I do have anxiety after all...
Best wishes
Al
* I realise using the word 'trendies' undid any possibility of me being in any way 'street' by saying 'IMHO.'
But I always wonder what people's reaction would be if I randomly told them I had anxiety. I recently did a blog about health anxiety for Mind, and anyone who was my friend on Facebook saw the fact that I had posted it; it apparently came up on everyone's Facebook homepage, which I didn't realise! I received two very nice messages from unexpected people following this, sharing their experiences and wishing me well, which made me somewhat emotional I'm not ashamed to admit.
One thing I have never done, though, is purposely talk to someone about anxiety, apart from on occasion to my parents and closest friends. Even in these circumstances, I would never go into too much depth particularly if it coincided on a social occasion; I'd usually make light of it as though it wasn't a big deal, even though I was probably going through a living hell even at the time of saying this to them.
But the thought of going up to someone who I was getting to know and talking about my anxiety, without a prompt from them (like them saying something like 'I have anxiety....') just doesn't seem right. Why, though?
Maybe because I still think people would think I was weird or 'ill' if I explained to them about my anxiety. Or they wouldn't take me seriously. Or they would judge me... yadda yadda. When, infact, is it me who's being the judgemental one? Or indeed, am I insulting the majority of people's intelligence and open-mindedness by thinking that they won't be open-minded?
It's particularly tricky if you're thinking of entering a relationship - do you bring up the fact that you have anxiety early, before something happens that lets them know for certain? "I really like you... just bear with me whilst I have a panic attack in the toilet."
I make light of it, but the success of how one approaches this, in my mind, could have significant ramifications for your future relationships, could it not? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Well, I do have anxiety after all...
Best wishes
Al
* I realise using the word 'trendies' undid any possibility of me being in any way 'street' by saying 'IMHO.'
Monday 3 September 2012
Zzzzzzzzzzzz....
Me and sleep have a very tetchy relationship. We're fine when I sleep, but when I don't, we tend to end up arguing.
Take last night as a prime example. I went to bed, as usual for a school night, at around 11pm. At 4:30am, my housemate gets up to go to work. I was still awake to witness this eventuality. I must have fallen asleep somewhere between 5 and 5:30, only to be woken up at 6:50 by my alarm. Man did I feel refreshed this morning.
Now as an anxiety sufferer, I've had many problems with sleep in the past. At one stage, I was only getting almost 4-5 hours per night due to panic attacks, which usually set in just after I'd gone to bed. I don't know if people with anxiety generally get a less than 'average' sleep, but somehow, as an anxious tribe, given our minds are usually on the over-active side, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a measurable relationship.
But last night, what was I actually anxious about? My health anxiety was under control as I wasn't experiencing any sort of major discomfort, there were no imminent events that may trigger the panic disorder and apart from the usual day to day worries, everything was hunky dory.
Of course, it then dawned on me that, actually, the reason I wasn't sleeping was because I was anxious about not sleeping.
I mentioned in a recent blog about mindfulness that I was experiencing this horrible 'mind-warp' thing, whereby when I noticed I was drifting off to sleep, I woke myself up. It wasn't so much this last night, because quite frankly, I was barely drifting off to begin with. That said, I think I was drifting a little not long after I went to bed and then woke myself up, and that kind of set me up for the rest of the night.
I think eventually I tire myself out, but only after hours of extreme frustration driven, not least, by myself.
I suppose being so obsessed with sleeping enough, which of course causes you to sleep less, is similar to the thing I have with eating. Of course with eating, when I'm at home, it's fine, so I know if I don't eat much on one day when I'm out, it's only one day. Sleep, of course, doesn't work that way, and so one night of sheer hell can set off a pattern.
Which is all well and good, but unfortunately after a while it starts to affect my work and my general feelings. Being tired exacerbates anxiety, from experience, and, **guess what anxiety sufferers**
A vicious circle is born.
I'm not one for taking medication, largely because doing so in itself could trigger some sort of 'oh no I've changed my bodily pattern' health anxiety thought, so what tends to happen is that I cope with it, badly, until it re-adjusts itself again.
I'm hoping that last night is just a one off. If it isn't, I'll probably update this blog accordingly. Unless I've fallen asleep whilst typing it, of course.
Best wishes
Al
Take last night as a prime example. I went to bed, as usual for a school night, at around 11pm. At 4:30am, my housemate gets up to go to work. I was still awake to witness this eventuality. I must have fallen asleep somewhere between 5 and 5:30, only to be woken up at 6:50 by my alarm. Man did I feel refreshed this morning.
Now as an anxiety sufferer, I've had many problems with sleep in the past. At one stage, I was only getting almost 4-5 hours per night due to panic attacks, which usually set in just after I'd gone to bed. I don't know if people with anxiety generally get a less than 'average' sleep, but somehow, as an anxious tribe, given our minds are usually on the over-active side, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a measurable relationship.
But last night, what was I actually anxious about? My health anxiety was under control as I wasn't experiencing any sort of major discomfort, there were no imminent events that may trigger the panic disorder and apart from the usual day to day worries, everything was hunky dory.
Of course, it then dawned on me that, actually, the reason I wasn't sleeping was because I was anxious about not sleeping.
I mentioned in a recent blog about mindfulness that I was experiencing this horrible 'mind-warp' thing, whereby when I noticed I was drifting off to sleep, I woke myself up. It wasn't so much this last night, because quite frankly, I was barely drifting off to begin with. That said, I think I was drifting a little not long after I went to bed and then woke myself up, and that kind of set me up for the rest of the night.
I think eventually I tire myself out, but only after hours of extreme frustration driven, not least, by myself.
I suppose being so obsessed with sleeping enough, which of course causes you to sleep less, is similar to the thing I have with eating. Of course with eating, when I'm at home, it's fine, so I know if I don't eat much on one day when I'm out, it's only one day. Sleep, of course, doesn't work that way, and so one night of sheer hell can set off a pattern.
Which is all well and good, but unfortunately after a while it starts to affect my work and my general feelings. Being tired exacerbates anxiety, from experience, and, **guess what anxiety sufferers**
A vicious circle is born.
I'm not one for taking medication, largely because doing so in itself could trigger some sort of 'oh no I've changed my bodily pattern' health anxiety thought, so what tends to happen is that I cope with it, badly, until it re-adjusts itself again.
I'm hoping that last night is just a one off. If it isn't, I'll probably update this blog accordingly. Unless I've fallen asleep whilst typing it, of course.
Best wishes
Al
Tuesday 28 August 2012
Training my Disorder
As one of my earlier blogs detailed, my most recent 'very dark' spell came about following a trip on the train to Cornwall in March 2011. To save you reading through the full details, basically I had a massive panic attack on the (in the end) 9 hour train journey back from Falmouth to Stafford, which persisted until the following morning. In total, I think I was in what I called a 'panic state' for about 15 hours.
Following this, everything that required me venturing outside of the walls of my home was difficult for a long time. I'm glad to say that now, in comparison, this condition has vastly improved.
However, certain things still throw me back into the 'what if' way of thinking, and back to that horrendous experience a year and a half ago. Perhaps not surprisingly, one thing that particularly does this is train journeys.
I don't drive, which means I rely on public transport to get anywhere that isn't Stafford, particularly for work. I've survived journeys to Stoke, Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool and even London and the underground since the Cornwall incident, but it took a long time and a lot of what seemed like over-analysis to get me able to travel distances again.
What I mean by over-analysis is twofold:
1) Ensuring I know exactly what train to catch there and back, and if relevant where my seats are booked.
2) Ensuring I have, as train announcers would tell you, everything with me. I'm not entirely sure how you're meant to take 'everything with you when leaving the train,' particularly if you take it literally, but anyway. What I mean by everything includes anything that may 'help' me in times of need. For example, plenty of water, soap (to make sure my OCD tendencies are fulfilled), food/sugar, music, magazine/paper/book, even an mp3 player complete with mindfulness exercises.
It can take a long time to prepare for a train journey as a consequence of doing all of this, but I find it helps. Even if it looks ridiculous, or seems ridiculous, if you know you've got things that may help in the onset of a panic attack, you're less likely to have one in the first place. Stands to reason I suppose.
Of course, objects on their own won't change things. This is where CBT comes in of course, but in some ways it's simply over-analysing 'what's the worse that could happen.' For example, when I had to go to London (Westminster to be exact; sounds more important that it was, trust me), I simply thought, "OK, the worst that could happen is that I have a panic attack. So for goodness sake just go home if that manifests. Don't worry about 'oh dear what will they think of me if I don't show up' etc, just do what needs to be done." This (as I call it) 'hard rationalisation' could again make you more relaxed about the whole situation.
(OK, the worst that could happen is a slow painful death, but lets not be too over-analytical...)
Consequently, one should not label any of this as 'over-analysis.' It should simply be sensible organisation. I say this because I used to think people would notice that I had 'over-analysed' and judge me for it. Then I realised that whoever did notice this clearly has nothing better to do.
But, of course, none of this is easy when you're doing it to completely alter a catastrophic thought process.
The purpose of writing about this now is that in September, I appear to be going all over the place. I have two trips in two consecutive days to Birmingham, another trip to London (St. James's Park this time) and a trip to Borth in Wales. This forms part of a holiday which, ARRGH, three nights away from Stafford! How dare I leave this midland bubble for a taste of the Welsh riviera?!
It's about time I tested this disorder once and for all. Maybe I can turn it into an 'order' instead.
Best wishes
Al
Following this, everything that required me venturing outside of the walls of my home was difficult for a long time. I'm glad to say that now, in comparison, this condition has vastly improved.
However, certain things still throw me back into the 'what if' way of thinking, and back to that horrendous experience a year and a half ago. Perhaps not surprisingly, one thing that particularly does this is train journeys.
I don't drive, which means I rely on public transport to get anywhere that isn't Stafford, particularly for work. I've survived journeys to Stoke, Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool and even London and the underground since the Cornwall incident, but it took a long time and a lot of what seemed like over-analysis to get me able to travel distances again.
What I mean by over-analysis is twofold:
1) Ensuring I know exactly what train to catch there and back, and if relevant where my seats are booked.
2) Ensuring I have, as train announcers would tell you, everything with me. I'm not entirely sure how you're meant to take 'everything with you when leaving the train,' particularly if you take it literally, but anyway. What I mean by everything includes anything that may 'help' me in times of need. For example, plenty of water, soap (to make sure my OCD tendencies are fulfilled), food/sugar, music, magazine/paper/book, even an mp3 player complete with mindfulness exercises.
It can take a long time to prepare for a train journey as a consequence of doing all of this, but I find it helps. Even if it looks ridiculous, or seems ridiculous, if you know you've got things that may help in the onset of a panic attack, you're less likely to have one in the first place. Stands to reason I suppose.
Of course, objects on their own won't change things. This is where CBT comes in of course, but in some ways it's simply over-analysing 'what's the worse that could happen.' For example, when I had to go to London (Westminster to be exact; sounds more important that it was, trust me), I simply thought, "OK, the worst that could happen is that I have a panic attack. So for goodness sake just go home if that manifests. Don't worry about 'oh dear what will they think of me if I don't show up' etc, just do what needs to be done." This (as I call it) 'hard rationalisation' could again make you more relaxed about the whole situation.
(OK, the worst that could happen is a slow painful death, but lets not be too over-analytical...)
Consequently, one should not label any of this as 'over-analysis.' It should simply be sensible organisation. I say this because I used to think people would notice that I had 'over-analysed' and judge me for it. Then I realised that whoever did notice this clearly has nothing better to do.
But, of course, none of this is easy when you're doing it to completely alter a catastrophic thought process.
The purpose of writing about this now is that in September, I appear to be going all over the place. I have two trips in two consecutive days to Birmingham, another trip to London (St. James's Park this time) and a trip to Borth in Wales. This forms part of a holiday which, ARRGH, three nights away from Stafford! How dare I leave this midland bubble for a taste of the Welsh riviera?!
It's about time I tested this disorder once and for all. Maybe I can turn it into an 'order' instead.
Best wishes
Al
Tuesday 21 August 2012
Food for Thought... Or Thoughts about Food
I’m a little bit obsessed with food. By that, I don’t mean I do nothing but eat, but I’m obsessed with when I eat and what I eat. It doesn’t always stop me from eating stuff that’s bad for me, but still. This general food obsession is probably little surprise, given my health anxiety and also the OCD tendencies that I mentioned on a previous blog.
But I think much of my ways with food have come about from my upbringing. My mother, bless her, has always been somewhat over-protective about how much I’m eating and moreover, when I lived at home, dinner was always at the same time. I remember once my dad apologising once for dinner being made for 5:51 instead of the conventional 5:45. I told him not to worry, although made a joke that I had nearly died from malnutrition.
Consequently, dinner time has never really been a relaxing affair, and instead has been rather fraught over the years. And any diversion from this routine almost puts my body into shock, especially when you do factor in the health anxiety.
So this dictatorship in my upbringing, if you will, may have resulted in my main problem that I have with food, and that is, eating it anywhere other than at home. Or more specifically, eating it when I feel under pressure to eat it. Food, for me, has always been something that you have to do, rather than something to enjoy. If you had the choice as to whether you could eat or not, I believe that the vast majority of people would still choose to eat. I, on the other hand, would not.
My main ‘fear’ about eating out is about people around me noticing that I’m not eating whatever it is in front of me. It’s one of those really annoying vicious circles that anxiety is incredible at developing. It’s like a circular reference, for those of you familiar with Microsoft Excel:
Various factors make me struggle to eat out
|
I struggle to eat
|
I worry that people are noticing I’m struggling to eat
|
I struggle to eat more due to rise in anxiety
...and so the circle is exacerbated until I basically eat nothing, the food goes cold and the waiter whisks my plate away from in front of my nose.
Various circumstances dictate how bad this is. The number of people I’m with, who I’m with, where I am, what I’m eating (or not), the number of people generally in the restaurant, external environmental circumstances such as temperature, how tight my trousers are (seriously)... and just generally how I’m feeling from a physical perspective.
So what exactly happens? Regardless of the final outcome, I’m nervous about a meal out for several days beforehand, and it can be on my mind for months if it’s planned a long way in advance. Then, in the worst case scenario, I struggle in the painful bit between arriving at the restaurant and the meal being served with trying to keep it together, trying not to make the person/people I’m with notice that all is not well. It’s like trying to stave off a panic attack.
Then, when the meal arrives, it takes me ages to eat every mouthful. My mouth has gone dry, so I try and rectify this by drinking something in between, which, unless it is water, isn’t very effective. I struggle to breathe too; obviously, breathing deeply can help alleviate anxious periods, but when you’re mouth is occupied by eating and your nose is occupied by sinus problems (another factor to throw into the mix), then this is obviously difficult.
I basically over-notice how much the people I’m with have eaten in comparison to me – surprise surprise, usually much more – and then that makes it more difficult. It varies, but I usually get through about a third to half of a meal before I have to cease.
Unfortunately, the easy option was avoidance, which of course meant that my social satisfaction was reduced. I explained the situation as best as I could to my friends who I did eat out with and they understood to the point where we only went out for a drink instead of for tea, but it’s depressing when there’s a meal, such as a work do, from which I have to excuse myself.
Somehow I have managed to avoid eating out, bar the odd picnic and buffet, for about eight months. I’m in too deep to rectify this problem with one successful meal at a restaurant though now; it would take months of eating out 3-4 nights a week to overcome this totally absurd and ridiculous fear.
But then, that’s anxiety for you. I’m off to cook tea.
Best wishes
Al
Monday 13 August 2012
More PE = More Anxiety
During the Olympics, we have heard the likes of Boris Johnson and David Cameron saying that kids should be made to do more PE in schools than they do currently. Now, let me set the scene: I love sport, I think the success of the British team in the Olympics was fabulous and moreover, I'm rather obsessed with football, the watching and debating of which is one of my main hobbies. I love watching Wimbledon, I play pool (badly) on a social level and enjoy talking about sport with anyone who wishes to share their opinions.
But I'm terrible at playing sport.
Now, one could argue that, if I had done more PE in school, I'd have been better at sport than I am. But I don't think so. I may have been an immature pre-teen at the start of high school, but by then I knew I was cack at sport and I had no interest in attempting to rectify the situation.
I recall, even as early as year 5 in primary school, my teacher saying in her annual report 'Alan's talents are better served elsewhere than on the PE field or in the gym.' So despite our youth and our 'still to occur' development, I knew (as did others) that I was shocking at sport.
For me, PE made me anxious. Having to go out on the rugby field (our school was obsessed with rugby) in the rain, sleet or hail (yes it did hail once... we just carried on hooking all the way through it), freezing my extremities off and getting the rise taken out of me everytime I made a mistake (aka everytime I touched the ball) was a horrendous experience, especially when you throw in a PE teacher who had all the encouragement of an unforgiving meteorite and the intelligence of an inflatable dinghy.
I remember having two kinds of anxiety: one because I hated the other, better skilled pupils venting their frustration at my lack of ability. And two, because of how the harsh conditions that affected my body (cold, mainly)... i.e. being overly preoccupied with how I was feeling physically.
If only I knew then that that was the early onset of health anxiety...
I hated it, and moreover, it hated me. Rugby was the worst, but swimming, gymnastics, hockey, cricket... all the same. Even basketball was a waste of time, and that's considering I'm 6 foot 4 and as well built as a flagpole. The more I did PE, the worse I got, because my confident was shot. And of course, the worst that made my anxiety.
Is it about exercise or competition? If the former, then whilst the other sporty guys go and play rugby, I'll go for a 3 mile walk. I'd have wanted more PE then, I love walking and it would give me a darn sight more exercise than standing there freezing my knackers off not playing rugby. But no, as always, everything has to be a competition. 'Competition is good for you' they say; OK yes to an extent, but take someone who is garbage at something and who has anxiety, and get them to compete with others who aren't and who don't, and that just causes pain.
More exercise in school is a good idea. More PE, if that encompasses the competition element of things, is not necessarily. As I said, despite my youth, I and everyone else knew I was useless at PE, so what a waste of time it would have been for me to do more of it.
And maybe my schooldays would have been less anxious if I had have done less of it... The benefit of hindsight...
Best wishes
Al
But I'm terrible at playing sport.
Now, one could argue that, if I had done more PE in school, I'd have been better at sport than I am. But I don't think so. I may have been an immature pre-teen at the start of high school, but by then I knew I was cack at sport and I had no interest in attempting to rectify the situation.
I recall, even as early as year 5 in primary school, my teacher saying in her annual report 'Alan's talents are better served elsewhere than on the PE field or in the gym.' So despite our youth and our 'still to occur' development, I knew (as did others) that I was shocking at sport.
For me, PE made me anxious. Having to go out on the rugby field (our school was obsessed with rugby) in the rain, sleet or hail (yes it did hail once... we just carried on hooking all the way through it), freezing my extremities off and getting the rise taken out of me everytime I made a mistake (aka everytime I touched the ball) was a horrendous experience, especially when you throw in a PE teacher who had all the encouragement of an unforgiving meteorite and the intelligence of an inflatable dinghy.
I remember having two kinds of anxiety: one because I hated the other, better skilled pupils venting their frustration at my lack of ability. And two, because of how the harsh conditions that affected my body (cold, mainly)... i.e. being overly preoccupied with how I was feeling physically.
If only I knew then that that was the early onset of health anxiety...
I hated it, and moreover, it hated me. Rugby was the worst, but swimming, gymnastics, hockey, cricket... all the same. Even basketball was a waste of time, and that's considering I'm 6 foot 4 and as well built as a flagpole. The more I did PE, the worse I got, because my confident was shot. And of course, the worst that made my anxiety.
Is it about exercise or competition? If the former, then whilst the other sporty guys go and play rugby, I'll go for a 3 mile walk. I'd have wanted more PE then, I love walking and it would give me a darn sight more exercise than standing there freezing my knackers off not playing rugby. But no, as always, everything has to be a competition. 'Competition is good for you' they say; OK yes to an extent, but take someone who is garbage at something and who has anxiety, and get them to compete with others who aren't and who don't, and that just causes pain.
More exercise in school is a good idea. More PE, if that encompasses the competition element of things, is not necessarily. As I said, despite my youth, I and everyone else knew I was useless at PE, so what a waste of time it would have been for me to do more of it.
And maybe my schooldays would have been less anxious if I had have done less of it... The benefit of hindsight...
Best wishes
Al
Thursday 9 August 2012
Should I Stop the Mindful Routine?
I won't go into what mindfulness is and how it has helped me again; I've already written a blog about it. Things have changed since I wrote this though...
...whilst I still like the concept of mindfulness and believe it could be very useful when you're in a state of anxiety, I have recently ceased to practise it daily. This initially started in the last heatwave (did you blink? you may have missed it), when I was struggling to get sleep.
It wasn't just the heat that was stopping me from sleeping though, it was a painfully annoying thought repetition process that went something like:
'Ah, I'm falling asleep.'
[I've now noticed I'm falling asleep]
[I wake up again]
OVER AND OVER AGAIN. At this time, I vowed not to practise mindfulness until I had started to sleep better and this insanely annoying pattern receded. Why? Largely because I didn't want to manipulate my thought patterns any more than I was doing already... maybe not the right thing to do but I felt more comfortable as a result. You could argue that trying to focus on something other than this irritating thought pattern would be the ideal thing to do, but trust me, I tried and failed miserably. Practising mindfulness at night just stresses me out more, because it doesn't seem to work.
It was also coming to pass that when I sat and practised my mindfulness of sound, breathing, body or whatever, I was either falling asleep (ironic, huh?) or simply finding it very difficult to focus on the object in question, normally because I had things I needed to do at the time that if I didn't note down I'd forget to do by the time I finished the practise. It ended up taking up time with little reward.
So I've now stopped this daily practise, after well over a year of dedication to the cause. I think it could be a useful tool, as I said at the start, in certain circumstances and I now know enough about it and experience of it to use it when it may come in handy. But I think the rigorous regime was proving too much, especially when you consider that I have health anxiety and severe sinus problems, rendering mindfulness of the body and breathing fairly challenging...
I feel guilty for stopping of course. Has it had some sort of effect on me that I do not realise? Is it more than just about tool for my toolbox? Time will tell I suppose. For others who have been offered it and who have practised it, I'd been keen to hear of your successes or otherwise. For me now, I'm just going to put it away for when I might really need it.
Best wishes
Al
...whilst I still like the concept of mindfulness and believe it could be very useful when you're in a state of anxiety, I have recently ceased to practise it daily. This initially started in the last heatwave (did you blink? you may have missed it), when I was struggling to get sleep.
It wasn't just the heat that was stopping me from sleeping though, it was a painfully annoying thought repetition process that went something like:
'Ah, I'm falling asleep.'
[I've now noticed I'm falling asleep]
[I wake up again]
OVER AND OVER AGAIN. At this time, I vowed not to practise mindfulness until I had started to sleep better and this insanely annoying pattern receded. Why? Largely because I didn't want to manipulate my thought patterns any more than I was doing already... maybe not the right thing to do but I felt more comfortable as a result. You could argue that trying to focus on something other than this irritating thought pattern would be the ideal thing to do, but trust me, I tried and failed miserably. Practising mindfulness at night just stresses me out more, because it doesn't seem to work.
It was also coming to pass that when I sat and practised my mindfulness of sound, breathing, body or whatever, I was either falling asleep (ironic, huh?) or simply finding it very difficult to focus on the object in question, normally because I had things I needed to do at the time that if I didn't note down I'd forget to do by the time I finished the practise. It ended up taking up time with little reward.
So I've now stopped this daily practise, after well over a year of dedication to the cause. I think it could be a useful tool, as I said at the start, in certain circumstances and I now know enough about it and experience of it to use it when it may come in handy. But I think the rigorous regime was proving too much, especially when you consider that I have health anxiety and severe sinus problems, rendering mindfulness of the body and breathing fairly challenging...
I feel guilty for stopping of course. Has it had some sort of effect on me that I do not realise? Is it more than just about tool for my toolbox? Time will tell I suppose. For others who have been offered it and who have practised it, I'd been keen to hear of your successes or otherwise. For me now, I'm just going to put it away for when I might really need it.
Best wishes
Al
Tuesday 7 August 2012
I said I was lacking a spark...
...but this is ridiculous.
It's amazing how little things can mess with an anxious head. I came home from work today, plugged my laptop into the socket adapter as usual and BANG... severe bang and severe spark...
Rather than thinking 'oh damn what's happened to my laptop,' I was more concerned with whether I'd actually been electrically shocked, despite feeling nothing, and indeed whether an electrical fire was imminent. Before I'd plucked up courage to do anything, such as unplug appliances, after getting over the initial shock (emotional, not electrical) of the incident, I started deconstructing why I was frightened of this occurrence. Was it health anxiety, and a fear of somehow being electrically charged and having a belated electric shock? Possibly, but I think it was pure and raw negativity.
I was not only thinking of the worst case scenario, much of my thoughts were not even rational or justified. But then it dawned on me - having an anxiety condition is all very irrational. One is anxious about things that really do not need to be anxiety producing.
I'm sitting here now, using the laptop, about 2 hours after the incident occurred. It took me an hour to put everything back to the way it was. I'm still wary... I can feel my left arm, the one that was plugging in the laptop. I am over-noticing feelings in it, if that makes sense. This is nothing unusual given my fear of heart failure of course, but even still. And I keep thinking I can smell smoke.
It just shows how incredible the mind can be... and how irrational anxiety can make things.
Best wishes
Al
It's amazing how little things can mess with an anxious head. I came home from work today, plugged my laptop into the socket adapter as usual and BANG... severe bang and severe spark...
Rather than thinking 'oh damn what's happened to my laptop,' I was more concerned with whether I'd actually been electrically shocked, despite feeling nothing, and indeed whether an electrical fire was imminent. Before I'd plucked up courage to do anything, such as unplug appliances, after getting over the initial shock (emotional, not electrical) of the incident, I started deconstructing why I was frightened of this occurrence. Was it health anxiety, and a fear of somehow being electrically charged and having a belated electric shock? Possibly, but I think it was pure and raw negativity.
I was not only thinking of the worst case scenario, much of my thoughts were not even rational or justified. But then it dawned on me - having an anxiety condition is all very irrational. One is anxious about things that really do not need to be anxiety producing.
I'm sitting here now, using the laptop, about 2 hours after the incident occurred. It took me an hour to put everything back to the way it was. I'm still wary... I can feel my left arm, the one that was plugging in the laptop. I am over-noticing feelings in it, if that makes sense. This is nothing unusual given my fear of heart failure of course, but even still. And I keep thinking I can smell smoke.
It just shows how incredible the mind can be... and how irrational anxiety can make things.
Best wishes
Al
Thursday 2 August 2012
The day I taught my doctor about Anxiety UK
I had a doctors appointment yesterday; my repeat prescription slip for my beta blockers, used of course to try and keep away panic attacks, had that annoying warning message on it: "You must see your doctor so you can keep your repeats going, otherwise the men in white coats will come and take you away." Usual waste of time, I thought.
So I made an appointment, which I thought was going to go something along the lines of:
Dr: Hello.
Me: Hi
Dr: Terrible weather again!
Me: I know, typical British summer.
Dr: Yes. How can I help?
Me: My prescription is running out of repeats.
Dr: Oh, ok. I will update the system for you.
Me: Thanks
[Prints off new slip]
Me: Thanks
Dr: OK, bye.
Me: Bye.
Well worth an afternoon off work, I'm sure you'll agree. You know when you start talking about the weather you're in trouble, and that's considering part of my day job is to deal with impacts of weather.
However, I had forgotten that, in a previous appointment, I told my doctor that I was undertaking CBT via Anxiety UK. I think I wanted to keep him up to date even though I'm not totally convinced of his knowledge of mental health issues. He's not dismissive though, which I suppose is the main thing. Anyway, so instead of the above conversation, it went something like this.
Dr: Hello.
Me: Hi
Dr: Terrible weather again!
Me: I know, typical British summer.
Dr: Yes. How can I help?
Me: My prescription is running out of repeats.
Dr: Oh, ok. I will update the system for you.
[All rather familiar up to this point]
Dr: Have you finished the CBT sessions now?
Me: Oh...[surprised for a split second as I forgot I mentioned it]... yes a few weeks back.
Dr: How did they go?
Me: OK thanks, had getting on for 40 sessions and they have certainly helped me re-evaluate things and move on with my life.
Dr: That's great. Remind me where you got CBT from?
Me: Via the charity Anxiety UK.
Dr: Ah yes... What process do you have to go through?
[I then explained a bit about what I did, how Anxiety UK helped and the outcomes]
Dr: OK. I will have to do some research on Anxiety UK! It'll certainly be worth me bearing them in mind the next time I have a patient who comes to me with anxiety!
Me: Yes definitely!
[More conversation re medication, explained below]
Dr: Here's your repeat slip.
Me: Thanks. Bye.
Dr: Bye
Was that genuine interest expressed by an NHS doctor? I believe it was! He is a good doctor and a genuine person, so I hope that he is true to his word and does recommend Anxiety UK to others who are in a position to consider them an option.
The bigger picture from a personal point of view, is that we also agreed that I would begin reducing my medication dosage. I've been on the beta blockers for ages now, but I have come off them in the past so I'm looking to do the same again though. The health anxiety is starting to kick in of course, as I look for any bodily changes that may or may not occur... but I know it's something that I want and need to do. I'll let you know how it goes!
Best wishes
Al
So I made an appointment, which I thought was going to go something along the lines of:
Dr: Hello.
Me: Hi
Dr: Terrible weather again!
Me: I know, typical British summer.
Dr: Yes. How can I help?
Me: My prescription is running out of repeats.
Dr: Oh, ok. I will update the system for you.
Me: Thanks
[Prints off new slip]
Me: Thanks
Dr: OK, bye.
Me: Bye.
Well worth an afternoon off work, I'm sure you'll agree. You know when you start talking about the weather you're in trouble, and that's considering part of my day job is to deal with impacts of weather.
However, I had forgotten that, in a previous appointment, I told my doctor that I was undertaking CBT via Anxiety UK. I think I wanted to keep him up to date even though I'm not totally convinced of his knowledge of mental health issues. He's not dismissive though, which I suppose is the main thing. Anyway, so instead of the above conversation, it went something like this.
Dr: Hello.
Me: Hi
Dr: Terrible weather again!
Me: I know, typical British summer.
Dr: Yes. How can I help?
Me: My prescription is running out of repeats.
Dr: Oh, ok. I will update the system for you.
[All rather familiar up to this point]
Dr: Have you finished the CBT sessions now?
Me: Oh...[surprised for a split second as I forgot I mentioned it]... yes a few weeks back.
Dr: How did they go?
Me: OK thanks, had getting on for 40 sessions and they have certainly helped me re-evaluate things and move on with my life.
Dr: That's great. Remind me where you got CBT from?
Me: Via the charity Anxiety UK.
Dr: Ah yes... What process do you have to go through?
[I then explained a bit about what I did, how Anxiety UK helped and the outcomes]
Dr: OK. I will have to do some research on Anxiety UK! It'll certainly be worth me bearing them in mind the next time I have a patient who comes to me with anxiety!
Me: Yes definitely!
[More conversation re medication, explained below]
Dr: Here's your repeat slip.
Me: Thanks. Bye.
Dr: Bye
Was that genuine interest expressed by an NHS doctor? I believe it was! He is a good doctor and a genuine person, so I hope that he is true to his word and does recommend Anxiety UK to others who are in a position to consider them an option.
The bigger picture from a personal point of view, is that we also agreed that I would begin reducing my medication dosage. I've been on the beta blockers for ages now, but I have come off them in the past so I'm looking to do the same again though. The health anxiety is starting to kick in of course, as I look for any bodily changes that may or may not occur... but I know it's something that I want and need to do. I'll let you know how it goes!
Best wishes
Al
Tuesday 31 July 2012
Oh look, another spider
If you have a phobia of spiders, like me, don't worry, you won't have any spiders in your home. Why? Because they are all in mine.
Saturday 28 July 2012
A Little Bit OCD?
I've recently watched the documentary on Channel 4 with Jon Richardson which showed him meeting various people who have OCD, in order for him to try and work out whether his compulsions are indeed severe enough to be classed as a 'Disorder.' I also watched the 'World's Maddest Job Interview' on the same channel, which I thought was fascinating. Two of the eight volunteers on the show had OCD which had dominated their lives in unimaginable ways. Regardless, both had made an good to great impression on the interviewers (and moreover, the interviewers top three had all had mental health problems).
All of this got me thinking: how OCD am I? I suffer from chronic anxiety as detailed in earlier blogs, but do I also have OCD? If I do, has it fuelled the anxiety or has the anxiety caused it?
I know that I have an element of OCD. Indeed, I do believe everyone has a tiny bit of OCD, in most cases so little that it can simply be described as an individuals 'personality.' Most people I've spoken to about the Jon Richardson show have said "I think everyone has a bit of OCD." Whilst I reckon I have more than a little bit, one wonders whether it would be enough to class it as a disorder... just like Richardson.
Here are my traits:
- Hand washing: I wash my hands on a regular basis, usually with the Carex hand gel; I refuse to accept that bars of soap of even soap that doesn't say 'kills 99.9% of bacteria' is worthwhile. I take hand gel with me everywhere and feel like I can't eat if I don't wash my hands beforehand. I wouldn't, however, say it causes me any great stress or problems in life; it's not on my mind every waking hour of the day. It only gets annoying if I forget my hand gel, because it can begin to become restrictive.
- Hygiene: On a similar theme. I live in a rented house with five other tenants, all of whom are blokes... it's not the cleanest accommodation at times. Maybe I should re-assess why I'm the only one who cleans the toilets from 'because everyone else is a lazy git' to 'I'm over obsessive with cleanliness.' But again, bar the inconvenience of this and spraying work surfaces with Dettol before preparing food etc it doesn't cause me any great pain. I know for a fact that this trait has come from my parents, especially my Mum; she cleans a lot...
- Words: This is something I've had for years. If I read or write the word 'die' or 'death' or something equally morbid, I have to either do my best not to look at it or focus briefly afterwards on a positive or neutral word, preferably a verb as 'dying' is an act of 'doing' at the end of the day. Typing this sentence made me uncomfortable, and now I'm having a battle with myself; the battle goes something along the lines of 'don't worry about not reading the word dying, it's only letters put together... but the fact you're making such a big deal of it...' etc etc. Again, this is just irritating when I'm reading something. The same goes for if someone says such a word: I've been known to make them say something else if they end a sentence on a word I don't like.
- Perfectionism: I am a perfectionist certain things, especially work. This can be a good thing but it can also mean it takes longer to do things than are necessary. Generally, though, this isn't a huge problem and can actually be beneficial!
- Order: I like neatness, which I suppose isn't surprising given the cleanliness issue or if you were to learn about my upbringing. But I wouldn't say it's a disorder: I just like things to be tidy. This probably isn't even overly obsessive.
But I would argue the big ones are:
- Thoughts1: In the past, I've had problems with a particular theme tune from a particular cartoon that I used to watch; it got stuck in my head for years. Yes, years. It still springs up now from time to time. Why this song? No idea. Why does it go round and round for so long? No idea. There was a time back in 2006/7 when it was causing me real problems; I had to force myself so hard to stop it. It affected my second year university exams and was generally making my life a misery. I've never officially been diagnosed with this to be anything other than 'weird,' but I'm guessing it's some form of OCD.
- Thoughts2: On a similar note, I've also had issues with counting. I used to have a clock that ticked quite loudly in my bedroom, and at night I couldn't help but count the number of ticks. Also similarly, a recent problem has been my mind noticing when I'm dropping off to sleep, which in turn makes me wake up again. This has lead to several bad night's sleep. I call both Thoughts1 and 2 'repetitive unwanted thought processes (RUTP).' I would say these could both tip me over the edge into the 'disorder' category.
Have any of these fuelled my anxiety? Obviously without professional advice and opinion I can't say for certain. I believe that the latter two have done so, especially the time I mentioned in 2006/7. I remember suffering many panic attacks during this period. But it's still a bit 'chicken and egg' as to whether this caused the RUTP or vice-versa.
Obviously, I'm scared that any of these traits could get worse with time. But I hope that, having managed them so far, I can continue to do so.
Just don't ask me to write about the death of Carex hand gel producer in the room where there's a ticking clock and a whole load of mess.
Best wishes
Al
All of this got me thinking: how OCD am I? I suffer from chronic anxiety as detailed in earlier blogs, but do I also have OCD? If I do, has it fuelled the anxiety or has the anxiety caused it?
I know that I have an element of OCD. Indeed, I do believe everyone has a tiny bit of OCD, in most cases so little that it can simply be described as an individuals 'personality.' Most people I've spoken to about the Jon Richardson show have said "I think everyone has a bit of OCD." Whilst I reckon I have more than a little bit, one wonders whether it would be enough to class it as a disorder... just like Richardson.
Here are my traits:
- Hand washing: I wash my hands on a regular basis, usually with the Carex hand gel; I refuse to accept that bars of soap of even soap that doesn't say 'kills 99.9% of bacteria' is worthwhile. I take hand gel with me everywhere and feel like I can't eat if I don't wash my hands beforehand. I wouldn't, however, say it causes me any great stress or problems in life; it's not on my mind every waking hour of the day. It only gets annoying if I forget my hand gel, because it can begin to become restrictive.
- Hygiene: On a similar theme. I live in a rented house with five other tenants, all of whom are blokes... it's not the cleanest accommodation at times. Maybe I should re-assess why I'm the only one who cleans the toilets from 'because everyone else is a lazy git' to 'I'm over obsessive with cleanliness.' But again, bar the inconvenience of this and spraying work surfaces with Dettol before preparing food etc it doesn't cause me any great pain. I know for a fact that this trait has come from my parents, especially my Mum; she cleans a lot...
- Words: This is something I've had for years. If I read or write the word 'die' or 'death' or something equally morbid, I have to either do my best not to look at it or focus briefly afterwards on a positive or neutral word, preferably a verb as 'dying' is an act of 'doing' at the end of the day. Typing this sentence made me uncomfortable, and now I'm having a battle with myself; the battle goes something along the lines of 'don't worry about not reading the word dying, it's only letters put together... but the fact you're making such a big deal of it...' etc etc. Again, this is just irritating when I'm reading something. The same goes for if someone says such a word: I've been known to make them say something else if they end a sentence on a word I don't like.
- Perfectionism: I am a perfectionist certain things, especially work. This can be a good thing but it can also mean it takes longer to do things than are necessary. Generally, though, this isn't a huge problem and can actually be beneficial!
- Order: I like neatness, which I suppose isn't surprising given the cleanliness issue or if you were to learn about my upbringing. But I wouldn't say it's a disorder: I just like things to be tidy. This probably isn't even overly obsessive.
But I would argue the big ones are:
- Thoughts1: In the past, I've had problems with a particular theme tune from a particular cartoon that I used to watch; it got stuck in my head for years. Yes, years. It still springs up now from time to time. Why this song? No idea. Why does it go round and round for so long? No idea. There was a time back in 2006/7 when it was causing me real problems; I had to force myself so hard to stop it. It affected my second year university exams and was generally making my life a misery. I've never officially been diagnosed with this to be anything other than 'weird,' but I'm guessing it's some form of OCD.
- Thoughts2: On a similar note, I've also had issues with counting. I used to have a clock that ticked quite loudly in my bedroom, and at night I couldn't help but count the number of ticks. Also similarly, a recent problem has been my mind noticing when I'm dropping off to sleep, which in turn makes me wake up again. This has lead to several bad night's sleep. I call both Thoughts1 and 2 'repetitive unwanted thought processes (RUTP).' I would say these could both tip me over the edge into the 'disorder' category.
Have any of these fuelled my anxiety? Obviously without professional advice and opinion I can't say for certain. I believe that the latter two have done so, especially the time I mentioned in 2006/7. I remember suffering many panic attacks during this period. But it's still a bit 'chicken and egg' as to whether this caused the RUTP or vice-versa.
Obviously, I'm scared that any of these traits could get worse with time. But I hope that, having managed them so far, I can continue to do so.
Just don't ask me to write about the death of Carex hand gel producer in the room where there's a ticking clock and a whole load of mess.
Best wishes
Al
Tuesday 24 July 2012
Desire to Assist
Anxiety has presented me with many frustrations over the years, but none more so than being cut off from other people. I love company and I love talking to people generally; I even love doing presentations, when I know what I'm talking about and when my anxiety isn't too dominating. But what anxiety has done over the years has crippled by self-esteem, and also made me very low in confidence when it comes to speaking to anyone, or even thinking my views are valid.
One thing my therapist and general life experiences have taught me is that talking to people, whether it be professionals, fellow anxiety sufferers or friends and family can really help. Even if the person doesn't fully 'understand' the problem, if they can empathise and if they can offer their support even as a gesture, it really is comforting.
Anxiety also has the frightening ability to make you want to talk less during your lowest times. One of my on-going struggles is eating out (no doubt I'll blog about this separately in future!), and when I'm eating out even with a close friend(s), when I'm going through the inevitable struggle of anxiety I don't talk about it and I swallow all my words. Infact I end up swallowing more words than food...
I'm trying desperately to snap out of this regime. I am far more open about talking about anxiety now, although I still find it difficult to bring it up at the most crucial times... i.e., when I'm most anxious.
As I mentioned before, it's also given me long-term self-esteem issues in certain circumstances, which can really restrict life development.
What I do have now, though, is a desire to share my anxious experiences with others. I don't have any therapist qualifications, far from it, but what I do have is experience of certain types of anxiety and experience of its impacts both in the short and long term. I want to share this with people who perhaps don't know where to turn and help them by knowing there are others like them out there. Hence why I set up this blog, and hence why I have recently signed up to Anxiety UK's HealthUnlocked forum space, which is exactly what this aims to do (and seems to me to already be proving successful).
It's getting that message across that's most difficult - how can I share my experiences and get people talking about anxiety on a local scale? Time to wrack my brains I think.
I'm a people person. I love the feelings you get from talking to people you share even the slightest connection with. Anxiety, whilst weakening you on the surface, can actually strengthen your ability to do this, especially when connecting with people who know what it's like.
One thing my therapist and general life experiences have taught me is that talking to people, whether it be professionals, fellow anxiety sufferers or friends and family can really help. Even if the person doesn't fully 'understand' the problem, if they can empathise and if they can offer their support even as a gesture, it really is comforting.
Anxiety also has the frightening ability to make you want to talk less during your lowest times. One of my on-going struggles is eating out (no doubt I'll blog about this separately in future!), and when I'm eating out even with a close friend(s), when I'm going through the inevitable struggle of anxiety I don't talk about it and I swallow all my words. Infact I end up swallowing more words than food...
I'm trying desperately to snap out of this regime. I am far more open about talking about anxiety now, although I still find it difficult to bring it up at the most crucial times... i.e., when I'm most anxious.
As I mentioned before, it's also given me long-term self-esteem issues in certain circumstances, which can really restrict life development.
What I do have now, though, is a desire to share my anxious experiences with others. I don't have any therapist qualifications, far from it, but what I do have is experience of certain types of anxiety and experience of its impacts both in the short and long term. I want to share this with people who perhaps don't know where to turn and help them by knowing there are others like them out there. Hence why I set up this blog, and hence why I have recently signed up to Anxiety UK's HealthUnlocked forum space, which is exactly what this aims to do (and seems to me to already be proving successful).
It's getting that message across that's most difficult - how can I share my experiences and get people talking about anxiety on a local scale? Time to wrack my brains I think.
I'm a people person. I love the feelings you get from talking to people you share even the slightest connection with. Anxiety, whilst weakening you on the surface, can actually strengthen your ability to do this, especially when connecting with people who know what it's like.
Saturday 14 July 2012
Music Therapy?
There probably is an official therapy called 'music therapy' which for all I know may be used to treat people with anxiety. I wouldn't be surprised if there is, but if there isn't, I'd love to be the one to introduce it into the treatment library.
Granted, I should have done some research on this before blogging about it. Anyone who reads this blog with any frequency will soon get to understand that I don't do this...
Anyway, I say this about music because in my opinion it can be such a good remedy. Anxiety and depression is all about mood after all, and music is the most incredible tool for changing the way you feel. These days, if I feel anxious or low and I'm in an appropriate situation, I put my laptop on, turn my speakers (complete with sub-woofer, which to clarify is not a hyperactive dog) on to max and blast the house with severe decibels of my favourite music.
When I feel anxious or low, I often don't feel like listening to music. It seems contrary to my mood to put anything on, unless it contains lyrics about sadness and frustration, but I've learnt that, usually, my mood lifts at least a little bit when I stick some of my favourite tracks on. I am a firm believer in the power that music can have on mood, and I've actually got to the point now where I start judging people I meet from what music they like. This is an unintended and frankly unwanted consequence of my love of music, but still.
Now, I enjoy listening to a vast array of genres, but my main passion lies in trance music. By that, I mean a sub-genre of dance music and not music that could be mistaken for a complimentary form of hypnotherapy. I accept that trance is often seen as an accompaniment to get people high on their favourite drug, but I love it for the music itself; so much passion and expression can come out in a trance song and because of the nature of its pace and drive it can really uplift your mood. I don't want this blog to turn into something that attempts to sell trance but it gets a lot of bad press before people have actually delved into it. Whatever, it works for me.
And I haven't yet turned to drugs.
But the genre is irrelevant; everyone has their own favourite genre and favourite song. My suggestion is to stick it on, loudly, next time you feel like crying or are in the early stages of a panic attack. I've found that the less you feel like listening to it, the more it can help.
Best wishes
Al
Granted, I should have done some research on this before blogging about it. Anyone who reads this blog with any frequency will soon get to understand that I don't do this...
Anyway, I say this about music because in my opinion it can be such a good remedy. Anxiety and depression is all about mood after all, and music is the most incredible tool for changing the way you feel. These days, if I feel anxious or low and I'm in an appropriate situation, I put my laptop on, turn my speakers (complete with sub-woofer, which to clarify is not a hyperactive dog) on to max and blast the house with severe decibels of my favourite music.
When I feel anxious or low, I often don't feel like listening to music. It seems contrary to my mood to put anything on, unless it contains lyrics about sadness and frustration, but I've learnt that, usually, my mood lifts at least a little bit when I stick some of my favourite tracks on. I am a firm believer in the power that music can have on mood, and I've actually got to the point now where I start judging people I meet from what music they like. This is an unintended and frankly unwanted consequence of my love of music, but still.
Now, I enjoy listening to a vast array of genres, but my main passion lies in trance music. By that, I mean a sub-genre of dance music and not music that could be mistaken for a complimentary form of hypnotherapy. I accept that trance is often seen as an accompaniment to get people high on their favourite drug, but I love it for the music itself; so much passion and expression can come out in a trance song and because of the nature of its pace and drive it can really uplift your mood. I don't want this blog to turn into something that attempts to sell trance but it gets a lot of bad press before people have actually delved into it. Whatever, it works for me.
And I haven't yet turned to drugs.
But the genre is irrelevant; everyone has their own favourite genre and favourite song. My suggestion is to stick it on, loudly, next time you feel like crying or are in the early stages of a panic attack. I've found that the less you feel like listening to it, the more it can help.
Best wishes
Al
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