I've recently watched the documentary on Channel 4 with Jon Richardson which showed him meeting various people who have OCD, in order for him to try and work out whether his compulsions are indeed severe enough to be classed as a 'Disorder.' I also watched the 'World's Maddest Job Interview' on the same channel, which I thought was fascinating. Two of the eight volunteers on the show had OCD which had dominated their lives in unimaginable ways. Regardless, both had made an good to great impression on the interviewers (and moreover, the interviewers top three had all had mental health problems).
All of this got me thinking: how OCD am I? I suffer from chronic anxiety as detailed in earlier blogs, but do I also have OCD? If I do, has it fuelled the anxiety or has the anxiety caused it?
I know that I have an element of OCD. Indeed, I do believe everyone has a tiny bit of OCD, in most cases so little that it can simply be described as an individuals 'personality.' Most people I've spoken to about the Jon Richardson show have said "I think everyone has a bit of OCD." Whilst I reckon I have more than a little bit, one wonders whether it would be enough to class it as a disorder... just like Richardson.
Here are my traits:
- Hand washing: I wash my hands on a regular basis, usually with the Carex hand gel; I refuse to accept that bars of soap of even soap that doesn't say 'kills 99.9% of bacteria' is worthwhile. I take hand gel with me everywhere and feel like I can't eat if I don't wash my hands beforehand. I wouldn't, however, say it causes me any great stress or problems in life; it's not on my mind every waking hour of the day. It only gets annoying if I forget my hand gel, because it can begin to become restrictive.
- Hygiene: On a similar theme. I live in a rented house with five other tenants, all of whom are blokes... it's not the cleanest accommodation at times. Maybe I should re-assess why I'm the only one who cleans the toilets from 'because everyone else is a lazy git' to 'I'm over obsessive with cleanliness.' But again, bar the inconvenience of this and spraying work surfaces with Dettol before preparing food etc it doesn't cause me any great pain. I know for a fact that this trait has come from my parents, especially my Mum; she cleans a lot...
- Words: This is something I've had for years. If I read or write the word 'die' or 'death' or something equally morbid, I have to either do my best not to look at it or focus briefly afterwards on a positive or neutral word, preferably a verb as 'dying' is an act of 'doing' at the end of the day. Typing this sentence made me uncomfortable, and now I'm having a battle with myself; the battle goes something along the lines of 'don't worry about not reading the word dying, it's only letters put together... but the fact you're making such a big deal of it...' etc etc. Again, this is just irritating when I'm reading something. The same goes for if someone says such a word: I've been known to make them say something else if they end a sentence on a word I don't like.
- Perfectionism: I am a perfectionist certain things, especially work. This can be a good thing but it can also mean it takes longer to do things than are necessary. Generally, though, this isn't a huge problem and can actually be beneficial!
- Order: I like neatness, which I suppose isn't surprising given the cleanliness issue or if you were to learn about my upbringing. But I wouldn't say it's a disorder: I just like things to be tidy. This probably isn't even overly obsessive.
But I would argue the big ones are:
- Thoughts1: In the past, I've had problems with a particular theme tune from a particular cartoon that I used to watch; it got stuck in my head for years. Yes, years. It still springs up now from time to time. Why this song? No idea. Why does it go round and round for so long? No idea. There was a time back in 2006/7 when it was causing me real problems; I had to force myself so hard to stop it. It affected my second year university exams and was generally making my life a misery. I've never officially been diagnosed with this to be anything other than 'weird,' but I'm guessing it's some form of OCD.
- Thoughts2: On a similar note, I've also had issues with counting. I used to have a clock that ticked quite loudly in my bedroom, and at night I couldn't help but count the number of ticks. Also similarly, a recent problem has been my mind noticing when I'm dropping off to sleep, which in turn makes me wake up again. This has lead to several bad night's sleep. I call both Thoughts1 and 2 'repetitive unwanted thought processes (RUTP).' I would say these could both tip me over the edge into the 'disorder' category.
Have any of these fuelled my anxiety? Obviously without professional advice and opinion I can't say for certain. I believe that the latter two have done so, especially the time I mentioned in 2006/7. I remember suffering many panic attacks during this period. But it's still a bit 'chicken and egg' as to whether this caused the RUTP or vice-versa.
Obviously, I'm scared that any of these traits could get worse with time. But I hope that, having managed them so far, I can continue to do so.
Just don't ask me to write about the death of Carex hand gel producer in the room where there's a ticking clock and a whole load of mess.
Best wishes
Al
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