Ok, so the previous post may look incomplete... Basically my tablet would'nt let me put the cursor at the bottom of the entry andvfor some unknown reason I have an absence of arrow keys. Needless to say I couldn't do the spellcheck either. One of my common errors seems to be to put a 'v' instead of a space, which may explain some dodgy words.
Anyway a quick continuation lest I make another balls up. This irrtating episode has actually helped a little by takihg my mind off the situation. The most important thing is to get immersed in other things even if you don't feel like it, like writing a blog or reading or listening to music etc. I have bought with me items that I may need, so for example plenty of sugary foods, water and the aforementioned stuff like books etc.
Another noticeable change, along with my stomach, is the breathing. Part of the same package I assume. I'ts proving quite difficult actually but I'm trying to focus on it when I can. This is, again, something I should do whether I feel like it or not.
I actually hate not lookihg out the windows, but I'm scared of letting my mind drift or wander into potentially damaging territory. Hence me doing this.
I know this is just the start. If this journey goes without incident, I have the stay itself - food issues in particular - and of course the return journey tomorrow. It was, of course, the return journey that resulted in the attack back in 2011.
If I can get the tech to work, I will write again tomorrow. In the meantime... excuse the spelling.
Friday 31 May 2013
LIVE BROADCAST: On the Move
Well this is different... Not least because this is the first time I've usesd my tablet on the train! As a follow up to the previous blog, I thought I woulds write a live blog from Aathe train itself to let you know - live - how I'm feeling. If you didn't get it, that's LIVE!
First of all I apologise if there are some errors... I'm not very quick on the tablet touchpad yet and re-editing bits is a bit of a faff. I don't want to generate any unnecessary anxiety now do I?
So I am in transit to Chippenham, the longest lone train journey since that fateful day over 2 years ago. I haven't got far yet, I'm between Wolverhampton and Birmingham, although by the time I've finished I'll probably be nearly at Bristol, my first stop. I have been feeking 'nervous' all day. It's difficult for someone like me to diferentiate between nervousness and anxiety, although it's often about being rational... in thid case, being 'nervous' about a train journey isn't rational, so from that I guess you can draw your own conclusions.
So by nervous, what exactly do I mean? The stomach has been churning a fair bit whichvisn't good of course because, due to health anxiety, I am ovrrly sensitive to any physical changes etc so that's ben keeoing me occupied most of the day. I'ts slso very difficult to not think about the past event, what happened. In a way it's helpful, but generally it's just a horrible reminder of how horrendous that whole experience was.
I just have to keep tellihg myself that I am stronger now. I have learnt so much about myself and about the anxiety which has plagued me for 15 long years. I have experience and knowledge on my side.
First of all I apologise if there are some errors... I'm not very quick on the tablet touchpad yet and re-editing bits is a bit of a faff. I don't want to generate any unnecessary anxiety now do I?
So I am in transit to Chippenham, the longest lone train journey since that fateful day over 2 years ago. I haven't got far yet, I'm between Wolverhampton and Birmingham, although by the time I've finished I'll probably be nearly at Bristol, my first stop. I have been feeking 'nervous' all day. It's difficult for someone like me to diferentiate between nervousness and anxiety, although it's often about being rational... in thid case, being 'nervous' about a train journey isn't rational, so from that I guess you can draw your own conclusions.
So by nervous, what exactly do I mean? The stomach has been churning a fair bit whichvisn't good of course because, due to health anxiety, I am ovrrly sensitive to any physical changes etc so that's ben keeoing me occupied most of the day. I'ts slso very difficult to not think about the past event, what happened. In a way it's helpful, but generally it's just a horrible reminder of how horrendous that whole experience was.
I just have to keep tellihg myself that I am stronger now. I have learnt so much about myself and about the anxiety which has plagued me for 15 long years. I have experience and knowledge on my side.
Monday 27 May 2013
Trained for Trauma
Towards the inception of this blog, I wrote about one of the most horrendous yet defining moments of my life from an anxiety point of view. It was in March 2011 and to summarise, it basically involved a 15 hour panic attack worse than any other I had experienced before or have since. It occurred whilst I was on a long train journey from Falmouth to Stafford, which due to changes and delays took around nine hours in the end.
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| This train is delayed |
Probably not surprisingly, it took over a year to recover from it and today, well over two years on, there is still a stigma attached to that one dreadful event. And so it is with trepidation that I am soon to embark on my longest lone train journey since that fateful day.
In total, this forthcoming train journey should only take three hours. I have done a train journey that's about the same distance as this forthcoming one since the Cornwall trip (Stafford to Borth in Wales), but this was with a good 'safe' friend. Moreover, the journeys were four days apart, whereas the return leg in this instance is the day after - just like Cornwall.
Of course, it's not the train journey that caused the panic attack in Cornwall, it was a combination of things. The nine hour loneliness and restricted scenario didn't help, but at the time when it started I had just thrown myself in at the deep end in attempting to move forward with my life (ironically it took me ten steps back instead) so my mind was buzzing with pressure thoughts. I was hot which didn't help and probably dehydrated, and generally the whole trip was (in hindsight) a melting pot of loneliness and pressure. The train journey and departure from Falmouth just happened to cause the onset of the panic. And so it took me a long time to even feel remotely comfortable catching a train again.
I'm glad to say that things have now dramatically improved. I have to take the train alone quite often to the likes of London, Birmingham, Coventry, Worcester and even Warrington, and all have gone well, even though there is always a seed of doubt before and during the journey. I think of it as a personal achievement when I've done them unscathed.
In fact, because the event in March 2011 was so defining, naturally it has also generated positives which are now being felt. First of all, because successfully completing a long-ish train journey is, to me, an achievement, it makes the meeting or conference (if for work) a hell of a lot less daunting, which is probably why I go into them with little fear and plenty of confidence usually. Secondly, it was the incident in Cornwall that made me seek help, resulting in the most successful therapy that I have ever had. This, in turn, increased my confidence around the issue of anxiety and has allowed me to do this such as create this blog. The event was horrific, but not all of the lasting effects have been negative.
One of the techniques the aforementioned therapist taught me was around disassociation, i.e., just because that attack happened on a train it does not mean that a similar event will happen on a train again; the original event and subsequent train journeys are totally unconnected. But it's very difficult, and this forthcoming trip to Chippenham is the biggest train challenge I have faced since that day.
Of course, remaining on the subject of my successful therapy, I have gained knowledge of several small techniques that I hope to apply. Things like ensuring I have 'distraction' materials with me, i.e. my tablet, books, newspapers, music etc are important. Then you have good old 'people watching.' I've purposely booked a seat on the main leg of the journey (Stafford to Bristol) at a table so I'm opposite some poor unsuspecting sod who will be my distraction bitch for two and a half hours. Another is making sure I have plenty of food and drink with me, which I didn't do last time. It's all about keeping occupied and trying to enjoy it.
I will no doubt post how I get on. It would be incredible to be able to travel somewhere much further and actually enjoy the trip, without having thoughts dominated by utter useless rubbish.
Best wishes
Al
>> My Uncle on my dad's side of the family had a heart attack on Friday (see previous blogs as to why this significant, e.g. this one). He has recovering and came out of hospital today apparently. Whilst we aren't particularly close, the whole concept of a heart attack occurring to somebody in the family has just reignited some of those thoughts again. Yes, those thoughts. I appreciate that this thought process - the automatic 'how will it affect me' rather than 'I hope my Uncle is okay' - is of the highest selfishness, but unfortunately it's a sad fact that that is now my automatic reaction to an incident like this.
In total, this forthcoming train journey should only take three hours. I have done a train journey that's about the same distance as this forthcoming one since the Cornwall trip (Stafford to Borth in Wales), but this was with a good 'safe' friend. Moreover, the journeys were four days apart, whereas the return leg in this instance is the day after - just like Cornwall.
Of course, it's not the train journey that caused the panic attack in Cornwall, it was a combination of things. The nine hour loneliness and restricted scenario didn't help, but at the time when it started I had just thrown myself in at the deep end in attempting to move forward with my life (ironically it took me ten steps back instead) so my mind was buzzing with pressure thoughts. I was hot which didn't help and probably dehydrated, and generally the whole trip was (in hindsight) a melting pot of loneliness and pressure. The train journey and departure from Falmouth just happened to cause the onset of the panic. And so it took me a long time to even feel remotely comfortable catching a train again.
I'm glad to say that things have now dramatically improved. I have to take the train alone quite often to the likes of London, Birmingham, Coventry, Worcester and even Warrington, and all have gone well, even though there is always a seed of doubt before and during the journey. I think of it as a personal achievement when I've done them unscathed.
In fact, because the event in March 2011 was so defining, naturally it has also generated positives which are now being felt. First of all, because successfully completing a long-ish train journey is, to me, an achievement, it makes the meeting or conference (if for work) a hell of a lot less daunting, which is probably why I go into them with little fear and plenty of confidence usually. Secondly, it was the incident in Cornwall that made me seek help, resulting in the most successful therapy that I have ever had. This, in turn, increased my confidence around the issue of anxiety and has allowed me to do this such as create this blog. The event was horrific, but not all of the lasting effects have been negative.
One of the techniques the aforementioned therapist taught me was around disassociation, i.e., just because that attack happened on a train it does not mean that a similar event will happen on a train again; the original event and subsequent train journeys are totally unconnected. But it's very difficult, and this forthcoming trip to Chippenham is the biggest train challenge I have faced since that day.
Of course, remaining on the subject of my successful therapy, I have gained knowledge of several small techniques that I hope to apply. Things like ensuring I have 'distraction' materials with me, i.e. my tablet, books, newspapers, music etc are important. Then you have good old 'people watching.' I've purposely booked a seat on the main leg of the journey (Stafford to Bristol) at a table so I'm opposite some poor unsuspecting sod who will be my distraction bitch for two and a half hours. Another is making sure I have plenty of food and drink with me, which I didn't do last time. It's all about keeping occupied and trying to enjoy it.
I will no doubt post how I get on. It would be incredible to be able to travel somewhere much further and actually enjoy the trip, without having thoughts dominated by utter useless rubbish.
Best wishes
Al
>> My Uncle on my dad's side of the family had a heart attack on Friday (see previous blogs as to why this significant, e.g. this one). He has recovering and came out of hospital today apparently. Whilst we aren't particularly close, the whole concept of a heart attack occurring to somebody in the family has just reignited some of those thoughts again. Yes, those thoughts. I appreciate that this thought process - the automatic 'how will it affect me' rather than 'I hope my Uncle is okay' - is of the highest selfishness, but unfortunately it's a sad fact that that is now my automatic reaction to an incident like this.
Saturday 18 May 2013
People are the best medicine II
Building on my previous blog around the importance of being with people and talking to people if you're an anxious kind of fellow (like me), I thought I would do some name dropping, or rather, 'group-dropping.' I wrote a blog a few years ago that I entitled 'Legends,' which focused on those people who I probably wouldn't class as 'friends' but had played a significant part in my life. This blog will draw upon something similar, but this time attributing it more to a 'someone with anxiety' perspective.
Needless to say that my friends and my parents are the most important people in my life. My upbringing with my parents, the perfection and the order, has in part contributed to my anxiety. But their support through life with this and general issues, along with their love of course, can be compared to nothing else. I'm sure that I've mentioned before that I have a very small family with no siblings; the remainder of my family I don't feel particularly close to and some I haven't seen for many years, or in a few cases, ever.
So perhaps I have drawn more from my friends than others may have. Perhaps I have even depended on them too much at times, to be there and at my beck and call whenever required (even though when it came to anxiety, particularly until recently, I didn't talk to them enough). I have a few such friends, most from school but a couple from University, without whom goodness knows where I would be today. They have provided support and understanding, right when I have amassed myself in a cocktail of hell that seemed otherwise impossible to get out from. My advice: friends are so-called because you can trust them with stuff. 'Stuff' being the way you're feeling and your mental health problems.
But then there are the others. Those people who have probably had as much influence towards my pursuit of happiness as those people who I class as 'true friends.' They may not know about my mental health background, but just them being them and perhaps supporting me with other parts of my life has helped me to get through school, get through University and maintain a job with relative success.
In many cases, blokes aged 25 may be reluctant to admit that these people have been a big influence in their lives. You have your mates, homies, bloods (whatever they are called these days) and your circle, your family who get in the way and that's it. But one positive thing I have gained from anxiety is appreciating anyone who gives you joy, help and happiness.
Some examples:
University lecturers: I was lucky enough to study within a department that contained lecturers who knew everyone's names and whose primary aim was to help and teach students rather than undertake independent research and who were compassionate and approachable. Former polytechnics often get slated as not being 'proper' Universities... I vehemently disagree with people who believe this. If I'd have attended a University without this support I couldn't have enjoyed it one bit.
Bus passengers: I have caught the bus for 25 years... yes, my mum took me on the bus in my pram... and by and large it's always been the same bus routes in the same town. Another positive to come from anxiety is this: I suffered serious panic episodes when I took driving lessons over eight years ago now, and consequently I never got round to passing a test. But what that has meant is that I'm still forced to catch the bus, but in doing so I have met some hilariously funny, interesting and compassionate people. Granted, most of them are over 70 but so what? I keep in touch via email on a regular basis with one passenger who finds it difficult to get out and about these days.
Bus drivers: This may be even more bizarre to many, but Stafford is quite unique in that it only has a small bus depot, which consequently means you see the same drivers all the time. Some are stereotypically miserable, but we're quite lucky in that we have more who are pleasant than who are not. And in some cases, I have actually struck up decent friendships with them, to the point that when I catch the bus to work or to town, we end up having a chat the whole way round. On a couple of occasions, the drivers have been distracted by this and missed stops, to the annoyance of other passengers...
Work colleagues: This is perhaps less surprising as these are people you see five days a week. But again, I have been grateful to have worked with many interesting and friendly people who were very welcoming when I first started nearly five years ago. I have put my trust in a few of them in the past with good results. The workplace is notorious for bitching (let's be honest), but gladly the people I can definitely class as 'workmates' are more open-minded... although we're all still a bit bitchy at times...
My therapist: See previous blogs on my history of therapy, but in short my latest therapy was the only one I could count as being successful. This wasn't just down to the professionalism and understanding of my therapist, her knowledge and her experience - although these of course were of paramount importance - it was actually more down to her personality. I saw her in total for just over a year, and by the end of that we knew each other very well. She was open, compassionate and thoughtful, something that I appreciate all the best counsellors should be, but this was just her, as a person. She didn't switch it off at the end of a session. I will never forget how her attitude towards life helped me, just as much as the CBT I was getting.
There are probably many more examples I could give of different 'groups' of people who I must thank over the years. Whilst it's close family and friends who I always would turn to in a time of crisis, rightly so, the above groups of people have kept my life ticking along, in the good times and bad. Often they have been there to offer a shard of light in times of shrouding darkness, others have been there to support me in certain parts of my life whilst other parts are crashing down around me. But they have all have a crucial part to play and no doubt will continue to do so.
The conclusions are the same as my last blog. Utilise people. Don't be embarrassed or question who they are. If they offer you happiness and support, appreciate it and seek out more. It can only help in the quest of managing a mental health problem.
Best wishes
Al
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| One of the bus drivers in question... |
So perhaps I have drawn more from my friends than others may have. Perhaps I have even depended on them too much at times, to be there and at my beck and call whenever required (even though when it came to anxiety, particularly until recently, I didn't talk to them enough). I have a few such friends, most from school but a couple from University, without whom goodness knows where I would be today. They have provided support and understanding, right when I have amassed myself in a cocktail of hell that seemed otherwise impossible to get out from. My advice: friends are so-called because you can trust them with stuff. 'Stuff' being the way you're feeling and your mental health problems.
But then there are the others. Those people who have probably had as much influence towards my pursuit of happiness as those people who I class as 'true friends.' They may not know about my mental health background, but just them being them and perhaps supporting me with other parts of my life has helped me to get through school, get through University and maintain a job with relative success.
In many cases, blokes aged 25 may be reluctant to admit that these people have been a big influence in their lives. You have your mates, homies, bloods (whatever they are called these days) and your circle, your family who get in the way and that's it. But one positive thing I have gained from anxiety is appreciating anyone who gives you joy, help and happiness.
Some examples:
University lecturers: I was lucky enough to study within a department that contained lecturers who knew everyone's names and whose primary aim was to help and teach students rather than undertake independent research and who were compassionate and approachable. Former polytechnics often get slated as not being 'proper' Universities... I vehemently disagree with people who believe this. If I'd have attended a University without this support I couldn't have enjoyed it one bit.
Bus passengers: I have caught the bus for 25 years... yes, my mum took me on the bus in my pram... and by and large it's always been the same bus routes in the same town. Another positive to come from anxiety is this: I suffered serious panic episodes when I took driving lessons over eight years ago now, and consequently I never got round to passing a test. But what that has meant is that I'm still forced to catch the bus, but in doing so I have met some hilariously funny, interesting and compassionate people. Granted, most of them are over 70 but so what? I keep in touch via email on a regular basis with one passenger who finds it difficult to get out and about these days.
Bus drivers: This may be even more bizarre to many, but Stafford is quite unique in that it only has a small bus depot, which consequently means you see the same drivers all the time. Some are stereotypically miserable, but we're quite lucky in that we have more who are pleasant than who are not. And in some cases, I have actually struck up decent friendships with them, to the point that when I catch the bus to work or to town, we end up having a chat the whole way round. On a couple of occasions, the drivers have been distracted by this and missed stops, to the annoyance of other passengers...
Work colleagues: This is perhaps less surprising as these are people you see five days a week. But again, I have been grateful to have worked with many interesting and friendly people who were very welcoming when I first started nearly five years ago. I have put my trust in a few of them in the past with good results. The workplace is notorious for bitching (let's be honest), but gladly the people I can definitely class as 'workmates' are more open-minded... although we're all still a bit bitchy at times...
My therapist: See previous blogs on my history of therapy, but in short my latest therapy was the only one I could count as being successful. This wasn't just down to the professionalism and understanding of my therapist, her knowledge and her experience - although these of course were of paramount importance - it was actually more down to her personality. I saw her in total for just over a year, and by the end of that we knew each other very well. She was open, compassionate and thoughtful, something that I appreciate all the best counsellors should be, but this was just her, as a person. She didn't switch it off at the end of a session. I will never forget how her attitude towards life helped me, just as much as the CBT I was getting.
There are probably many more examples I could give of different 'groups' of people who I must thank over the years. Whilst it's close family and friends who I always would turn to in a time of crisis, rightly so, the above groups of people have kept my life ticking along, in the good times and bad. Often they have been there to offer a shard of light in times of shrouding darkness, others have been there to support me in certain parts of my life whilst other parts are crashing down around me. But they have all have a crucial part to play and no doubt will continue to do so.
The conclusions are the same as my last blog. Utilise people. Don't be embarrassed or question who they are. If they offer you happiness and support, appreciate it and seek out more. It can only help in the quest of managing a mental health problem.
Best wishes
Al
Sunday 12 May 2013
People are the best medicine
I am glad to say that my parents have gone on holiday to Cornwall for a week as of last Friday. I'm living with them again at the moment (and have been since late January) and as parents have a knack of doing, they are driving me up the pole. The problem is that we have a very small family, and none of them live closer than 60 miles away from me and my parents. I'm also an only child, meaning my world has been encapsulated inside this parental bubble all my life, with no outlets like 'a favourite aunty up the road' or with another sibling to occupy them. Don't get me wrong, we generally get on and needless to say I love them to bits... but parents are there to drive their mid-20 year old children to despair.
So great, you may think, a reprieve for a week. Yes, it has been good not to have to worry about one minuscule droplet of water on the kitchen floor that I accidentally put there in transition of washing my hands to reaching for the towel... "The floor's wet, be a bit more careful." The rules my parents make me abide by are absurd (although I've only really appreciated that in the last year or so) so it's nice to be able to be a bit more relaxed for a while. Part of me wanted to flood the kitchen floor and purchase a variety of tropical fish to swim in it, but I didn't think the sarcasm would have helped me. In serious terms, it's highly likely that these parental traits of meticulous detail, in terms of tidiness and order, has caused me to have minor OCD (see earlier blogs); 25 years of exposure to this is bound to have an effect.
So what's the problem? I'm alone.
I've set the scene family-wise. I am in a four-bedroomed house completely on my own, in a village surrounded predominately by people over the age of 100. OK so I'm at work all next week and I saw my good friend yesterday, but today I've been alone, all day, having to plan my day just so I don't get bored for more than one minute. The TV has been my only company. At least when my folks are here they are here, there is someone to converse with. But when the only company is my own, this can lead to a recipe for disaster.
My own company means listening to my mind. My mind says things like 'if you're lonely you're anxious' or 'you have a niggling pain, what if it's the start of a catastrophic illness' or 'I'd better not have a panic attack now because there is no-one here to help me.'
All useful thoughts, I'm sure you'll agree.
Not only that but nowadays I would classify myself as a 'people person.' I'm not one to walk along a street with my head down and not say 'good morning,' or pass off a query at work to someone else as soon as possible. I like talking to people and I like helping people. So when I'm alone, I end up talking to myself which usually ends up with me over-analysing things that are only like to further heighten anxiety.
I moved out of home last April 2012 to seek new beginnings with new people; I shared a house with a good friend and four others, but I got unlucky in the end and it was those 'four others' that were the problem. Unless saying hello to a lady called Jean, they'd never come across the word hygiene before, and they didn't seem to be concerned with making friends with the other people they were living with; moreover, they weren't the sort of people I could ever see myself being mates with anyway, for one reason or another. My good friend was also away a fair bit (he's a musician) and with his hours (evenings) and mine (days), I needed other like-minded people there to fill the void when he wasn't, which didn't materialise. Consequently, I was often more alone than I feel when my parents are here; thus tolerating the move back.
I could live on my own or just with my good friend (which in hindsight would have been better than the actual result), but given my circumstances the likelihood of loneliness declining in either of these scenarios is less.
What about all my other friends I hear you cry? I have four friends I see in Stafford on any sort of regular basis. I occasionally see two people from Uni and social events involving other people per year you could count on less than one hand. The reason for this isolation is simple; not enough socialising at school and at University. Not enough opportunities to develop more friendships.
Do I blame anxiety for this or has this lack of socialising caused anxiety? Perhaps not surprisingly, it's a bit of both. I had far less confidence back then about socialising - although at times it can still be a problem today - to the point where I avoided certain situations, without even trying them. I felt I was going to make a fool of myself, my self-esteem was shot and there were also times when I was frightened of having a panic attack during a social occasion. Consequently I was limited the number of people I could meet and often didn't make a good enough impression to secure potential friendships because I was so scared of screwing up. OK, so largely caused by anxiety related conditions, quite possibly. But the thing that really let me down was the unwillingness to even try. Chances are, many of the aforementioned situations I avoided would have turned out well, and even if they hadn't, I now know that such scenarios make you stronger.
Today, this reluctance caused in part by anxiety and in part by this annoying element of my personality, has resulted in, quite simply, not having enough friends and therefore enough social opportunities. Don't get me wrong, I have really good friendships and I wouldn't change them for the world. But if my desire to meet people was matched by my confidence and of course no chronic anxiety condition, I could have had infinite social opportunities.
And so today, having not built up these friendships and having lost the best opportunities to do so (school and especially University), I am often left on my own. Without my day job, my interactive life would be pretty barren and desperate.
OK, so there are still opportunities. Moving again is one, which will hopefully be more successful than last time. There are clubs I could join, courses I could do, but still there is a confidence issue and work being quite intensive these days also restricts my opportunities (and giving up work in the current economic climate is not really a viable option).
It's got to the stage in my life now where giving a presentation for work in front of 30 people I find easier than going out with the aim of meeting new friends.
Oh yes, and this is without mentioning relationships... and for the sake of my sanity and everyone else's, it's best I don't open that can of, well, nothingness.
I suppose my message to readers is this: embrace people, whoever they are and from wherever they come from. If you struggle socially, remember that for every pitfall or hit that your confidence takes when out at an event, it is wiped out by the advantage of meeting a new person. It's the same message when it comes to treating chronic anxiety; talk to people about it. Being more open about it has made it a lot easier for me to get through life. If you have a real problem with social anxiety, talk to a professional about this first and foremost.
People are a pain in the backside, but without them we'd be in chronic isolation. Use them. Embrace them. Challenge yourself to make as many friends (and I mean proper friends, not social media friends) as possible, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel at first. Anyway, we all have to live on this earth together, so we may as well make the best of it.
Best wishes
Al
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| My kitchen after I've washed my hands |
So great, you may think, a reprieve for a week. Yes, it has been good not to have to worry about one minuscule droplet of water on the kitchen floor that I accidentally put there in transition of washing my hands to reaching for the towel... "The floor's wet, be a bit more careful." The rules my parents make me abide by are absurd (although I've only really appreciated that in the last year or so) so it's nice to be able to be a bit more relaxed for a while. Part of me wanted to flood the kitchen floor and purchase a variety of tropical fish to swim in it, but I didn't think the sarcasm would have helped me. In serious terms, it's highly likely that these parental traits of meticulous detail, in terms of tidiness and order, has caused me to have minor OCD (see earlier blogs); 25 years of exposure to this is bound to have an effect.
So what's the problem? I'm alone.
I've set the scene family-wise. I am in a four-bedroomed house completely on my own, in a village surrounded predominately by people over the age of 100. OK so I'm at work all next week and I saw my good friend yesterday, but today I've been alone, all day, having to plan my day just so I don't get bored for more than one minute. The TV has been my only company. At least when my folks are here they are here, there is someone to converse with. But when the only company is my own, this can lead to a recipe for disaster.
My own company means listening to my mind. My mind says things like 'if you're lonely you're anxious' or 'you have a niggling pain, what if it's the start of a catastrophic illness' or 'I'd better not have a panic attack now because there is no-one here to help me.'
All useful thoughts, I'm sure you'll agree.
Not only that but nowadays I would classify myself as a 'people person.' I'm not one to walk along a street with my head down and not say 'good morning,' or pass off a query at work to someone else as soon as possible. I like talking to people and I like helping people. So when I'm alone, I end up talking to myself which usually ends up with me over-analysing things that are only like to further heighten anxiety.
I moved out of home last April 2012 to seek new beginnings with new people; I shared a house with a good friend and four others, but I got unlucky in the end and it was those 'four others' that were the problem. Unless saying hello to a lady called Jean, they'd never come across the word hygiene before, and they didn't seem to be concerned with making friends with the other people they were living with; moreover, they weren't the sort of people I could ever see myself being mates with anyway, for one reason or another. My good friend was also away a fair bit (he's a musician) and with his hours (evenings) and mine (days), I needed other like-minded people there to fill the void when he wasn't, which didn't materialise. Consequently, I was often more alone than I feel when my parents are here; thus tolerating the move back.
I could live on my own or just with my good friend (which in hindsight would have been better than the actual result), but given my circumstances the likelihood of loneliness declining in either of these scenarios is less.
What about all my other friends I hear you cry? I have four friends I see in Stafford on any sort of regular basis. I occasionally see two people from Uni and social events involving other people per year you could count on less than one hand. The reason for this isolation is simple; not enough socialising at school and at University. Not enough opportunities to develop more friendships.
Do I blame anxiety for this or has this lack of socialising caused anxiety? Perhaps not surprisingly, it's a bit of both. I had far less confidence back then about socialising - although at times it can still be a problem today - to the point where I avoided certain situations, without even trying them. I felt I was going to make a fool of myself, my self-esteem was shot and there were also times when I was frightened of having a panic attack during a social occasion. Consequently I was limited the number of people I could meet and often didn't make a good enough impression to secure potential friendships because I was so scared of screwing up. OK, so largely caused by anxiety related conditions, quite possibly. But the thing that really let me down was the unwillingness to even try. Chances are, many of the aforementioned situations I avoided would have turned out well, and even if they hadn't, I now know that such scenarios make you stronger.
Today, this reluctance caused in part by anxiety and in part by this annoying element of my personality, has resulted in, quite simply, not having enough friends and therefore enough social opportunities. Don't get me wrong, I have really good friendships and I wouldn't change them for the world. But if my desire to meet people was matched by my confidence and of course no chronic anxiety condition, I could have had infinite social opportunities.
And so today, having not built up these friendships and having lost the best opportunities to do so (school and especially University), I am often left on my own. Without my day job, my interactive life would be pretty barren and desperate.
OK, so there are still opportunities. Moving again is one, which will hopefully be more successful than last time. There are clubs I could join, courses I could do, but still there is a confidence issue and work being quite intensive these days also restricts my opportunities (and giving up work in the current economic climate is not really a viable option).
It's got to the stage in my life now where giving a presentation for work in front of 30 people I find easier than going out with the aim of meeting new friends.
Oh yes, and this is without mentioning relationships... and for the sake of my sanity and everyone else's, it's best I don't open that can of, well, nothingness.
I suppose my message to readers is this: embrace people, whoever they are and from wherever they come from. If you struggle socially, remember that for every pitfall or hit that your confidence takes when out at an event, it is wiped out by the advantage of meeting a new person. It's the same message when it comes to treating chronic anxiety; talk to people about it. Being more open about it has made it a lot easier for me to get through life. If you have a real problem with social anxiety, talk to a professional about this first and foremost.
People are a pain in the backside, but without them we'd be in chronic isolation. Use them. Embrace them. Challenge yourself to make as many friends (and I mean proper friends, not social media friends) as possible, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel at first. Anyway, we all have to live on this earth together, so we may as well make the best of it.
Best wishes
Al
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