Recently, the UK government established a Minister for Loneliness as a consequence of findings apparent in The Commission on Loneliness, which was first set up by the late MP Jo Cox. Tracey Crouch, who has been appointed in the role, has a portfolio designated to tackle the scourge of loneliness in this country and, understandably, the role will largely focus on elderly individuals who perhaps have lost their spouses and who do not have family living locally anymore, or maybe they have an illness that prevents them from being sociable. Loneliness is a huge problem and I get sad when I think of older people who spend days sitting in the same house on their own, without seeing or even hearing from someone for such a long time.
I know a couple who are in their late 80s; they both have numerous physical issues, one of them can hardly leave the house, the other only in necessity. Yet they have each other, have sixty-odd years of marriage. My grandmother is now 85 and has been through the ringer physically, yet she still takes care of her son who has Williams Syndrome. You might think that's ridiculous for someone who is 85 and has osteoporosis of the spine - but without him, she'd be without company a lot more. In these examples, the individuals involved are only losing one person away from being one of the people that Ms Crouch is going to hopefully help to support. This is a very good thing and is one of the few compassionate things this government has actually done; albeit it was initiated by an MP from a different party. We'll gloss over that.
There are circumstances, of course, where you can be lonely even if you are still seeing someone regularly. This would normally occur if the person was a carer for someone who had a bad illness or was disabled, to the point where they could not contribute to social interactivity. Thankfully we have not got close to this being a reality for my dad yet, in light of my mum's Alzheimer's diagnosis, but it is something for me to bear in mind later down the line.
What is a lot rarer, of course, is for younger people to be lonely, especially young people from relatively privileged backgrounds like myself. Youngsters, often from deprived backgrounds, who have perhaps had difficult upbringings and no family support and who have isolated themselves from others can become lonely quite easily. I still believe schools, in particular, should be given more resources to support these individuals, particularly in deprived areas.
But how does someone from a comfortable upbringing get themselves into a position of loneliness? Paths are surely carved out for these people? You go to school then university, meet people, start a job, meet more people and probably the person you'll go on to marry, marry them and live happily ever after. And if you don't live happily ever after, you'll divorce and then find someone else. For most people, it just happens, and they don't question it. Don't take it for granted.
Weekend just gone, I saw no-one except my mum. I have an amazing group of friends who I still make the effort to see as often as possible, but when I don't, I don't see anyone. I have to go to the pub on my own if I want company. I've been on two holidays on my own and I'm going on another in a couple of weeks. I'm seen as odd for doing these things. The conversation goes something like:
"Ah you're going on holiday, where to?"
"Scotland."
"Great. Who with?"
"No-one, I'm going on my own."
"Oh." [Awkward silence]
Most people from the sort of background I've had could not contemplate doing anything like this on their own, let alone go on holiday for eight days on their own, like I did last year. Some people go backpacking on their own in their late teens or early twenties, but this is more of an 'on-purpose' activity. If I want to go on holidays I have to go on my own most of the time, bar manipulating some exceptions to my advantage with friends. I'm 30 years old. Why I am not doing what everyone else is doing at this age and getting married, having kids, or at least being in a relationship of sorts?
Well, I tried last year of course, but failed miserably.
Now don't get me wrong, I am way, way more comfortable in my own company than I ever used to be. I actually enjoy it sometimes, being able to do what I want, when I want. I enjoyed the trips away I undertook alone for the same reason. The only rules were mine. My greater concern is twofold; 1) the reasons why I find myself alone at 30, and 2) what happens in the long-term.
To address point 1). Let's go back to why this website exists - anxiety. I spent years battling this horrible illness (because lets face it, that's what it is) and this, in turn, made meeting anyone nigh on impossible during my school and university years. By the time I could even consider being in a relationship, which frankly was probably only about four or so years ago realistically, every woman of a similar age had already found their man. And it's not just about the times when I had anxiety that made it difficult for me to make connections. The legacy of it lives on and over a number of years my confidence when meeting a lady has been destroyed - this is a permanent feature. I couldn't just walk into a pub and ask the attractive lady at the bar if she'd like a drink. This is fallacy and robbing a bank would be easier. I'm not going to do that either, just for any authorities logging in.
Couple this with other factors of my personality which have also come about as a consequence of years of anxiety and you get me, now. The not being able to drive thing, for example. This is more than an issue for just my ex, it would seem.
There are other factors too - time to actually dedicate to a relationship being one due to work, helping my mum and (ironically) being a single homeowner. Being an only child and having a small family is of course another factor towards loneliness - it's not just about being in a relationship. I also feel as a general point is that social media doesn't help - ironic given the term 'social.' Actual interaction between young people is becoming less due to the firewall that is social media being people's only form of interaction these days. I fear this could lead to a loneliness epidemic later in life for the population at large - but I'll save this debate, given I've ranted about social media many times before on this website.
If you asked me now "do you consider yourself lonely?" I would say no, largely due to my small but brilliant group of friends and the interaction I get through work. I am lucky regarding the latter in that I work with a great small team of people. I think the point is that, at 30, I shouldn't have to rely on these sources alone, which I am, and it does mean that occasionally I have weekends in particular where I don't see anyone for up to 48 hours. But I would not consider my self lonely - yet.
But this leads me onto point 2). I have accepted that I will grow up (I mean, into later life - given I'm already 30!) not raising a family or be in a relationship. People will say I'm wrong to have accepted this, and "you never know what's round the corner." I don't condone violence, but I will punch the next person who says that to me. I also accept that my core group of friends are unlikely to stick around forever; many are building their own lives already and only by my sheer will and determination do I keep a place in their life. Others may move away in years to come. Work is also arguably the best it could get in terms of personnel at the moment and is unlikely to be as awesome later on down the line. So in light of all these predictions, I know that I am going to have to work damn hard as I get older to ensure I do not become chronically lonely, given I am already heading in that direction at 30. As such, I watch with interest as to what impact the new Minister's role will have for people like me.
But ultimately, I need to ensure that I do everything in my power to keep active socially. This may mean, in years to come, volunteering, forcing myself to try new hobbies (not for the hobbies but for the company) and joining rambling groups. So be it.
My mum spent days in the house on her own after she retired just before I was born. She usually saw me and/or my dad for the 25 years I lived at home, but often went days without seeing anyone else and spent hours in the house on her own. I have absolutely no proof of this, but I would not be surprised if those years of lack of activity, communication or mental stimulation has contributed to her relatively young diagnosis of Alzheimer's. I could be way, way off the mark. But it has crossed my mind many times and I do not want to fall into the same trap.
My message to readers is this. Do not take being in a relationship, a full household or having a big family for granted. All of these may be annoying at times(!), but the alternative is heading down a lonely road, destined for effort just to maintain contact with anyone. I blame anxiety and its causes for the reason I'm on this road already, at 30. I hate that its legacy lives on some twenty years after I was first down at the GPs crying my eyes out at 'whatever was happening to me.'
The thing I have on my side is awareness that I'm heading down this path and having the time to adapt and react to it. It's far from ideal and it's not the path I'd have chosen, but I'm on it so I have to make the best of it. Like life in general, really.
Best wishes,
Al
PS - Yes I am going on holiday for a third time on my own at the end of this month, to Scotland. I am genuinely looking forward to it - and despite the tone of this blog, I know that that shows incredible progress in my own strength even when compared to this time last year when I'd never even gone away on my own. I will no doubt write a blog about it...
