Time to come off the meds?

As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I've been on beta blockers to stem severe anxiety attacks for a long period of time.  Overall, I would guess I've been on them for about four years, in two different spells.  Given I'm only 25, that's quite a long time.


These stop my heart from taking off


I haven't [touch wood] had any major anxiety attack now for a long time, and I'm pleased to say that my confidence in terms of certain situations, such as catching the train or any sort of public interaction, has improved greatly in the last 6-12 months.  I'm on 25mg which is the smallest dosage you can get (I've been on 50mg before on both occassions), but I take one everyday and have done so in this spell since April last year. 

But, given the above, one would argue that I can begin to wean myself off the beta blockers now.  By wean, I mean literally halve tablets, so that I take 12.5mg a day, on average.  I have a tablet cutter which is specifically designed to cut tablets into bits... Sounds ludicrous I appreciate.

The aim of course is, after a relatively short amount of time, to come off them completely.

What are the problems?  What do you think...

- I worry that by coming off them I'll be more 'prone' or vulnerable to an anxiety attack occurring...

- ...and should it do so, it will be more severe than if I were to be on the tablets because I haven't got that thing to stop my heart racing out of control.

- I'm also concerned that I will notice the effects from a health persepective that reducing the dosage might produce.  Hell, I have health anxiety, so I might even make up some physical discomforts that I will end up attributing to the medication reduction.  Needless to say this could also generate an anxiety attack.

I mean, I have anxiety, so something seemingly trivial becomes way over-analytical.

Let's turn this around for a second - instead of the above, this is what I should be thinking:

- I'm having the thought that I'll be more 'prone' or vulnerable to an anxiety attack occurring...

- I'm having the thought that an anxiety attack will be more severe than if I were to be on the tablets because I haven't got that thing to stop my heart racing out of control.

- I'm having the thought that I will notice the effects from a health persepective that reducing the dosage might produce. 

I've learnt, through therapy, that these things are merely concotions that I have formed inside my head and have no tangible basis.  It's only the thoughts that will make the above points more likely to become a reality. 

The other thing I learnt is not to concentrate on my heart rate.  I used to be obsessive when it came to checking my heart beat, and at any sign of 'danger' I used to automatically check how fast my heart was beating.  I certainly do it less now, and if I do find myself doing it I am more able to stop.  But it's certainly something that will help, and I need to work harder at it to make it a really powerful tool when I do reduce the meds. 

My main concern is that, whether it goes successfully or not, the process of coming off the meds will disrupt my life in a negative way, simply because of all the work that may have to go into making it a success in the first place... is it worth it? 

Hang on a minute...

I'm having the thought that, whether it goes successfully or not, the process of coming off the meds will disrupt my life in a negative way, simply because of all the work that may have to go into making it a success in the first place... is it worth it?

I think this phrase could apply to any negative predictive thoughts, couldn't it?

Anyway, I will no doubt report back on how it goes.

Best wishes

Al

English Bac Would Heighten Anxiety

I've been reading with interest recently the GCSE assessment shake-up proposed by Michael Gove which, if the same Government are in power, will take place in 2017.  To sum up, in the core subjects of English, maths and science, all current forms of assessment would be replaced by one long final exam, which would be weighted at 100% of the total GCSE grade.



They were this big...

Now, I have always been hopeless at exams.  For almost every subject I ever took, I always got a higher mark for the coursework than I got for the exam.  One of the main reasons for choosing the University degree that I took was because 95% of the total assessment was coursework/dissertation based, with only a measly 5% on two exams... both of which I did poorly in.  I got a third and a 2:2, but ended up with a 2:1 for my degree overall, which gives you an idea of how much better I am at coursework.  Had I had to take just exams at school, I probably wouldn't have got into Uni in the first place; had I had just exams at Uni, I certainly wouldn't have got a 2:1 and consequently, I wouldn't have the good job that I have today.  Fact.

Why is this though?  Basically because I strongly feel that exams are a greater test of your ability to work under pressure and to a time limit, rather than your ability to show your knowledge and clarity about a specific subject.  I'm not saying that exams are useless, because this ability to work under pressure can be a good thing, but if I had my way, I'd ensure that no module, whether it be at GCSE, A2 or degree level, would have no more than around 30% of the total mark weighted by exams.

And that's without factoring in anxiety.

At school and particularly for the Uni exams, I put severe pressure on myself during the build up to an exam; my anxiety symptoms became bad, increasing the likelihood of a panic attack, and my mind became a scrambled racing wreck.  My internal OCD that I mentioned on an earlier blog also meant that I was being forced to focus on other things aside from revision, the opposite of what I wanted. 

So not only did I enter an exam hall a gibbering wreck, but I was less able to capture all of my thoughts that I may need for an exam because my mind was racing at a million mph.  Moreover, because you had to be silent in an exam hall, there was extra pressure on me to make sure I had any potential panic attack quietly, without anyone else noticing... which of course is not easy. 

I managed to never have a major panic attack during an exam, but I remember having several at night-time during an exam period.  This, of course, affected me physically, it affected my ability to revise (again), and gave me less sleep than was required.  At one of the Uni exams, I remember that my OCD was playing me up so much that I couldn't concentrate on anything I was supposed to be writing (this is the one I got a third in); it wasn't long after this exam, I remember, that I went for counselling at the Uni itself.

This is bearing in mind that most modules, even in school, had at least a small element of coursework in addition to the exams, so I can only imagine that this anxiety that was already verging on severe, get worse if there was even more pressure to do well. 

I can appreciate the pitfalls of coursework; I know that plagiarism is an issue and that they are generally seen as being 'simpler' than exams.  But if you are a genuine person as most are, then it is a much less anxiety-producing way of assessing someone's knowledge of a certain subject.  It also does demonstrate a person's knowledge more than exams anyway, in my opinion.  Perhaps there should be some innovative ideas about how to police coursework better, I'm sure it could be done.

I appreciate that the Government and the exam boards can't let a small minority with anxiety dictate their policies, and moreover I appreciate you can't produce an 'anxiety-sufferers' version of an exam (although I'd be intrigued to know what this would entail!), but I strongly believe that having your education decided purely by one exam will make people with anxiety worse off, and also give more people anxiety who perhaps didn't have anxiety before. 

It doesn't make sense, especially when I believe that exams are a poor way of showcasing an individual's knowledge of a subject anyway.  I'm just glad I left school when I did...

Best wishes

Al

Reaching out to those who don't know

It's wonderful that Mind and Anxiety UK are there to help people with anxiety.  The latter have dramatically helped me as it was through them that I received CBT, as well as utilise some of the tools that they provide.  The former have helped me maintain my positivity following completion of CBT, again through tools but particularly with interaction from people who have shared similar experiences to me.  I think both organisations are beginning to become more recognised to those who need it, although there is still work to be done of course.  I'm sure there must still be many individuals who have anxiety or any other mental health problem who are either unsure where to turn or too scared to do so. 

I'm confident that this is true because I was one of these people. I had all but given up hope a few years ago, but I was adamant through my pain that I needed to do something, and luckily, after much research and psyching myself up, took the step of contacting Anxiety UK.  Eighteen months later, here we are. 

To an extent, there has to be a level of acceptance that most people with an anxiety issue could start off in this way, uncertain about what to do or who to go to.  I assume it is the same for other mental health issues.

But what about those people who don't even realise that what they have is anxiety?  I can talk about this with relative confidence having known somebody who was in this situation.  For no apparent reason, they once told me about these 'symptoms' they kept getting in stressful situations and how it was affecting their life, and how it had been doing so for a good couple of years.  As the conversation unfolded, I was shocked to learn that they did not realise that they were actually having panic attacks and that it wasn't 'just something they had to put up with.' 

But again, thinking on the spot, I remember in the dark days of high school when I used to have a panic attack probably about 5 nights a week on average, and the number of times I must have said to myself 'why does this have to happen to me?'  Not infact realising that it didn't have to happen to me.  Fortunately, I eventually realised, but there must be people out there going through years of misery without realising that they don't necessarily need to be, or at least, there are things they can be doing to manage whatever it is they are experiencing.

Is this something that can be rectified?  How on earth do you target people if you don't know where they are?  Is it a case of extreme exposure of the issue, perhaps via the form of more media coverage, whether it be TV, newspaper or the web?  Obviously if you did this, whatever form the communication took it would have to spell out what anxiety is; just the word 'anxiety' wouldn't necessarily resonate with the experiences of an individual, unless, say, a list of 'symptoms' was included. 

As the above paragraph suggests, unfortunately, I don't have any real answers about how all of this should be done.

You may also have a group of people, as touched on earlier, who perhaps do understand that they have anxiety but are too scared to do anything about it.  This would require a different approach yet again. 

Perhaps I'm being naive and idealistic to think that everyone should be able to have the help they need to tackle anxiety, or any mental health concern.  Perhaps this is a call for the Government to help the likes of Mind and Anxiety UK put more resources into achieving this. 

Surely everyone has the right to not let mental distress consume their lives?

Best wishes
Al

Hello, I have anxiety... is that the time?

There is a lot of talk at the moment about whether mental health as a general concept is becoming less of a taboo issue in today's society.  I think the fact that there is much talk about this strongly suggests that it is, and for that I'm sure everyone who has a mental health problem is grateful.  In my opinion (or IMHO, as the trendies say*), this can only be a very good thing, especially when it comes to applying for jobs and things like that.

But I always wonder what people's reaction would be if I randomly told them I had anxiety.  I recently did a blog about health anxiety for Mind, and anyone who was my friend on Facebook saw the fact that I had posted it; it apparently came up on everyone's Facebook homepage, which I didn't realise!  I received two very nice messages from unexpected people following this, sharing their experiences and wishing me well, which made me somewhat emotional I'm not ashamed to admit. 

One thing I have never done, though, is purposely talk to someone about anxiety, apart from on occasion to my parents and closest friends.  Even in these circumstances, I would never go into too much depth particularly if it coincided on a social occasion; I'd usually make light of it as though it wasn't a big deal, even though I was probably going through a living hell even at the time of saying this to them. 

But the thought of going up to someone who I was getting to know and talking about my anxiety, without a prompt from them (like them saying something like 'I have anxiety....') just doesn't seem right.  Why, though?

Maybe because I still think people would think I was weird or 'ill' if I explained to them about my anxiety.  Or they wouldn't take me seriously.  Or they would judge me... yadda yadda.  When, infact, is it me who's being the judgemental one?  Or indeed, am I insulting the majority of people's intelligence and open-mindedness by thinking that they won't be open-minded? 

It's particularly tricky if you're thinking of entering a relationship - do you bring up the fact that you have anxiety early, before something happens that lets them know for certain?  "I really like you... just bear with me whilst I have a panic attack in the toilet."

I make light of it, but the success of how one approaches this, in my mind, could have significant ramifications for your future relationships, could it not?  Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?  Well, I do have anxiety after all...

Best wishes
Al

* I realise using the word 'trendies' undid any possibility of me being in any way 'street' by saying 'IMHO.'

Zzzzzzzzzzzz....

Me and sleep have a very tetchy relationship.  We're fine when I sleep, but when I don't, we tend to end up arguing. 

Take last night as a prime example.  I went to bed, as usual for a school night, at around 11pm.  At 4:30am, my housemate gets up to go to work.  I was still awake to witness this eventuality.  I must have fallen asleep somewhere between 5 and 5:30, only to be woken up at 6:50 by my alarm.  Man did I feel refreshed this morning.

Now as an anxiety sufferer, I've had many problems with sleep in the past.  At one stage, I was only getting almost 4-5 hours per night due to panic attacks, which usually set in just after I'd gone to bed.  I don't know if people with anxiety generally get a less than 'average' sleep, but somehow, as an anxious tribe, given our minds are usually on the over-active side, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a measurable relationship. 

But last night, what was I actually anxious about?  My health anxiety was under control as I wasn't experiencing any sort of major discomfort, there were no imminent events that may trigger the panic disorder and apart from the usual day to day worries, everything was hunky dory.

Of course, it then dawned on me that, actually, the reason I wasn't sleeping was because I was anxious about not sleeping. 

I mentioned in a recent blog about mindfulness that I was experiencing this horrible 'mind-warp' thing, whereby when I noticed I was drifting off to sleep, I woke myself up.  It wasn't so much this last night, because quite frankly, I was barely drifting off to begin with.  That said, I think I was drifting a little not long after I went to bed and then woke myself up, and that kind of set me up for the rest of the night. 

I think eventually I tire myself out, but only after hours of extreme frustration driven, not least, by myself. 

I suppose being so obsessed with sleeping enough, which of course causes you to sleep less, is similar to the thing I have with eating.  Of course with eating, when I'm at home, it's fine, so I know if I don't eat much on one day when I'm out, it's only one day.  Sleep, of course, doesn't work that way, and so one night of sheer hell can set off a pattern. 

Which is all well and good, but unfortunately after a while it starts to affect my work and my general feelings.  Being tired exacerbates anxiety, from experience, and, **guess what anxiety sufferers**

A vicious circle is born.

I'm not one for taking medication, largely because doing so in itself could trigger some sort of 'oh no I've changed my bodily pattern' health anxiety thought, so what tends to happen is that I cope with it, badly, until it re-adjusts itself again. 

I'm hoping that last night is just a one off.  If it isn't, I'll probably update this blog accordingly.  Unless I've fallen asleep whilst typing it, of course.

Best wishes
Al