Save the date - 6th February

You may have heard that 6th February is Time to Talk Day, which, in short, is a day designated to talk about mental health.  It is the first day that I can recall where a group of charities have got together to raise the profile of de-stigmatising issues surrounding mental health.  This is the day where you can have a conversation about it, whether it be with a friend or family member, or even someone you know who perhaps doesn't know about your experiences with mental health.  That is the biggest challenge, and ultimately what the aim of the day should be.  

Save the date

It's so refreshing and reassuring that the Time to Change campaign is grabbing the stigma that still exists in society by the scruff of the neck.  

I have always found it difficult to talk about my experiences with anxiety.  In getting my new job, at no point have I brought up anxiety or the journey I've been on.  I hate it, but I still think 'what if they judge me by it' or 'what if they think that I can't do the job?'  All this, really, is me stigmatising other people rather than the way round, or at least, being prejudice by assuming the people in the team won't understand it or will form opinions around it.  But the fact that I am feeling this is the problem - experiencing a mental health problem should be something that people can talk about and, even if the recipient of your experiences do not understand what you have been through, they should at least not judge you by it.  But the fact I assume they will is wrong.

But is the potential impact on my job worth telling them?  Just in case my prejudice reaction is the right reaction?  Because again, that's just it - you don't know.  

There are only a select few people who I have talked to about my experiences.  The vast majority of them have also experienced some level of mental health problem too, which is perhaps unsurprising.  But even to this day I have only ever told people I vehemently trust and who I'm closest to.  It usually takes me years of knowing someone before I tell them, unless I'm left with no choice as was the case once at work when I had a panic attack and had no choice but to tell my boss.  Needless to say, it went well.

So the more people who talk about it, the better.  The more people who show the minority that mental health problems are normal and are something that many people experience the better.  We aren't unusual or abnormal.  We are strong, powerful individuals who, despite experiencing times of hell, have come out the other side to fight another day.  

So it truly is #TimetoTalk, to show the world what we're made of.

Bring on February 6th.

Best wishes
Al

The New Job

So, my new job starts tomorrow.  As is usual with big changes like this, my mind is doing its level best to make things more difficult for me, primarily at the moment in the way of lack of sleep, something which I've experienced before.  One of the biggest mental health successes of the Christmas break was a string of nights where I achieved - and I class it as an achievement - over seven hours sleep a night. In fact only two nights come to mind where I got less than six hours, which for me is very unusual.  

I like cats... the only reason for this image

The past week, on the other hand, six hours would have been bliss.  Last night was the best night I've had for a while; previous nights were either absurd waking up times (03:30 being the best example) or staying awake for getting on for a couple of hours after going to bed. It's no coincidence that this happens before big events.  I remember the week before I first moved out of home back in Spring 2012 I slept like an idiot all the week before.  It happened to a lesser extent when I moved into this current house, and it's happened the night before certain events in the past too.  You might think this is an obvious observation, but after all the anxiety training I have had, I tend to try and avoid over-analysing forthcoming changes, but this obviously manifests in a more sub-conscious way.  I think, at least in part, the sequence goes something like this:

[I need to sleep well this week before the big change, lest I sleep poorly during that]
[More pressure to sleep]
[I don't sleep]

So it actually becomes about the sleeping rather than about the event.  In conclusion, the main thing that keeps me awake?  Thinking about not sleeping.

At this stage, I have absolutely no idea what I'm feeling about tomorrow's change.  I had my leaving do on Friday (preceded by a poor night's sleep) at which I got surprisingly emotional after all the lovely things people said about me and all the gifts they gave me.  It makes you think 'why am I doing this? Why should I rock the boat?'  

Why?  Well obviously to further my career, which ultimately is what I'm hoping this new job will do.  But from an anxiety perspective, a bit like when I decided to go for the interview and move into this current house, it is a real test for me, one where I can really set myself a benchmark in terms of how far I've come.  

People are so influential in my life, and needless to say moving away from some of the people at my old job is the hardest part about leaving.  But, as I've said before, I'm not the sort of person to move on from somewhere and forget about the people that were part of it.  That's part of the reason many of my best friends are from my schooldays; one I've known for 13 years, two for nearly 15 and one for 21.  And I know I will make the effort to keep in touch with those people at my old job who I can class as friends and this may even mean that changing jobs will improve my social life, rather than worsen it, on the possibility of more evening gatherings.

And of course, there is the opportunity to meet more people over time in this new job. But of course, more immediately, there are new anxiety-testing challenges that await. A change of routine.  A daily train commute, something I couldn't have even considered a couple of years ago.  Less time for 'relaxing' (probably a good thing).  A change that, whilst significant in anybody's life, would probably not be groundbreaking.  It is for me.  Then of course, there's the pressure of the actual job itself. In my previous job, I started as an unpaid work experience student, with no-one expecting anything from me.  Now, I'm expected to be good right from the start, and this of course adds to the pressure.  It's a fine line becoming stressed and letting this turn into anxiety.  

So it is all about putting my techniques to the test.  Putting into practice everything I've learnt to help me combat anxiety; breathing, being organised, rationalisation etc.  And, of course, knowing I've got help out there if I need it.

To finish, I'd like to share with you a story about my last day at work.  Along with getting emotional and an overwhelming sense of warmness from so many people, I had a very interesting conversation with one of my good friends in the office, asking me advice about a situation someone close to her is experiencing.  It was mostly around what help is out there; I, of course, pointed out the charities Mind and Anxiety UK and well as my experiences with webcam therapy, and I also went into the types of anxiety I have experienced, quite openly.  It's shame it took until the last day to have such a conversation with anyone at work, but still it was better late than never and I hope I helped a little.  But again, overall, the day reminded me of the power of people and how important it is to stay close to them.

I will endeavour to keep this blog up to date with the new job and how it affects me.  For now, we enter into ventures unknown...

Best wishes
Al