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Joxer Brady's pub in Stafford
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I thought I would attempt to share with you what my socially anxious mind goes through when I'm asked whether I would like to attend a very basic social gathering. In this case, it was just an impromptu trip to a nearby pub for a quiz on a Thursday evening at 9:00.
Realities in black, thoughts in red...
5:02
I am asked by my colleague at work, just before I leave, what I'm doing this evening. Colleagues don't usually ask what one is doing in an evening, perhaps unless it is a weekend. My suspicions were raised... What has he got in mind?
5:02
I replied with 'not much, I don't think,' a vague response which I wanted, but one that still suggests that I'm largely free. He asks me whether I would like to go to the pub as the colleague from work is running the quiz on this particular night. I reply with 'erm.... [general hesitation and stuttering].... sounds interesting... I'll let you know.' Him and another colleague, also attending, then proceeded to persuade me. I then said I would let him know.
5:03
They also inform me that quiz participants are eligible for discount sausage and chips at the interval... Of course, I fear eating out which almost made the decision for me... but wait, I don't have to eat! That isn't an excuse to not go! But it's easier not to...
By this time it was 5:05.
5:12
I arrive home (yes, I live that close to work) and decide that 'I have things to get done' such as eating (forget the discount sausage), showering and other mundane things like compiling a shopping list. Oh well, I need to get all this done anyway so if I can't get it all done by 9pm I won't be able to go out, and the decision is made for me. But I don't really need to do it all. Some of it can wait. Either way I can make myself free. But I'd feel more comfortable if I could get it done...
7:15
I had done everything... nearly two hours before needing to leave. Oh no, everything is done, now I have no excuse! What if I'm terrible at the quiz? What if I have a funny with the food, or people place judgement if I decline it? And hang on... the quiz doesn't start until 9, what if it finishes late and I go to bed later than normal... work is tomorrow! But I could go in later. But then I'd have to leave later because I have too much to do! That'll ruin my schedule tomorrow evening! But actually I don't really have a schedule... more things to do, yes, but nothing urgent! But what if it screws my sleep up? Then I'll get anxious... I could get anxious at the quiz itself! But then I could get depressed if I don't go out and end up having nothing to do...
8:35
This sort of thought chaos was going through my mind all throughout this time... until I had about 80% decided I was going to go. Then my housemate comes in and is up for a catch up, but only until 9:10 because he's off out... is this an excuse not to go to the quiz? Not really... if he leaves at 9:10 I could leave with him and get there as bit late... but I don't want to get there late... and if I do go I've got the same issues as before...
So me and my housemate catch up until 9:10.
9:10
OK Al it's make or break time... do I go to the quiz? Come on, let's just go, it's not that difficult, so what if I go to bed a bit later, I know I'm being irrational... but...
9:12
I leave the house... but end up going with my housemate to another pub instead. I can control this situation more, I'd prefer to be with my housemate anyway and I can leave when I like. And there's no sausage... but my colleagues at the quiz will now think less of me, or get annoyed because I've messed them around...
If this is what happens for a conventional night (bearing in mind this is significantly simplified), a night of self beating and total chaos, imagine what it's like when there is a big event planned? And also bear in mind, my housemate unintentionally helped me out of this chaos this time... I don't always get fortunate like this, i.e. someone to bail me out, so in other circumstances the decision about the quiz would need to be made either way...
The day in the life of an anxiety sufferer...
Best wishes
Al
