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| My new house is slightly smaller than this... |
After all, I'm sure we all know that reading other people's posts that seem to suggest that their lives are wholesome and ticking along beautifully can cause depression for many people who perhaps are not going through a good time. However in my case, I've only shared this with Twitter followers (people I don't know with a theme in common - i.e. experiencing mental health issues, tackling stigma and/or professionals in mental health care), as opposed to Facebook (people I do know). If I was to post it on Facebook, or even tell friends about it, I feel like it becomes a big issue - which of course I don't want it to be, as this will put more pressure on me that it works out.
So why share it at all? Largely because I'm so amazed that I've actually got to a point in my life that I've actually been able to buy a house that I feel the need to express it. Amazed, not so much in terms of me being able to actually afford to get onto the property ladder, but more because I'm actually in a mental state conducive enough to making buying a house possible.
I first set up this website nearly three years ago. Back then, I was on the road to recovery from a serious anxiety incident, and indeed, a lifetime of chronic anxiety. Not long before the inception of The Anxiety Tracker, I could hardly leave the house - my parents' house, that is - let alone move out. By the time I set up this site I was living in my first shared house (which I'm still amazed I came through without any major setbacks). But because it wasn't the best experience of my life I moved back home again. Then, in September 2013, I moved into another shared house, which has turned out to be a much better experience, overall.
So back in April 2012, what made me go down the shared house route? My friend, for one, who was moving back to Stafford and wanted to live with someone he knew. But I knew that he would be away a lot (he's a musician, so goes away touring frequently) and I knew, consequently, that I would be alone quite often if we moved somewhere just the both of us. Being alone, I knew, was the worst thing for me, because time on my own just gives my mind precious space where it can dominate me with anxious crap. So I went down the shared house route, with the aim to meet new like minded people.
Yes, for those of you who have been down this route yourself, you'll know that I was rather naive to think this would happen. It didn't. The people there were, at best, weird and unclean and that is why I only ended up staying for 10 months. I'm amazed I stuck it out for that long. I think the fact that I came to the end of my 50 sessions of CBT about 3-4 months into this experience helped me get through it, as me and my therapist were able to talk about this and tailor coping techniques to the living situation. That said, I jumped for joy when I moved back to my parents - but I knew it could only be temporary.
I was determined to let this fantasy of meeting new people and getting a good shared house experience be a reality. I looked at seven different houses in my home town, most of which were similar to the one I had already moved from. S**tholes, in summary. But alas, just as I was giving up hope, I found a place where the landlords seemed to care about house dynamics. When I went round to view it, I was with two other prospective tenants, almost in competition, and met the existing housemates in the communal area. It was daunting - as I have social anxiety - but I knew that it was an opportunity I had to take.
So I did, and I'm still here today - for another two hours anyway. I'm moving out today, into my parent's house for a week before moving into my new house hopefully next Friday.
So what have been the positives of the shared house?
- I have met two great new people. One sadly moved out a few months ago, but both of them have been great to live with and, although it took a while for me to open up, I became / have become very comfortable with them. It did enrich my waning social life.
- I believe this experience - and even the first bad experience - has strengthened me mentally, in some ways. Simple things, like fending for myself, I found difficult before. Becoming more assertive if people do things to annoy me (this is still hard, but better). I think the experiences have strengthened me as a person and prepared me for my next venture.
Negatives?
- I'm not sure the experience has improved my social anxiety condition. I thought, again maybe naively, that greater exposure to forced social situation (and by 'social' in this case I mean simply cooking at the same time as someone or being in the communal area with them) would instill confidence in my social ability and improve my social skills. Not so. If anything, they have declined in recent months as I find opening up about certain things or meeting new people increasingly difficult.
- Little things, like messiness and people using facilities when I want to, has always got to me more than it should - and again, if anything this is worse now than ever!
- Recent times. Two new tenants have moved in relatively recently and they dominate the house a bit. Things are noisier, busier and I find it difficult to get space... which leads me onto...
- A change in me. By this, I mean I feel now that I want my own space a lot more. I want the peace and quiet, I want to be alone more, I think having now lived in a shared house for over 30 months in total, I've 'been there and done that.'
So that is why, along with practical reasons, I felt it was as good a time as any to buy. My friend, who I have lived with for the whole of those 30 months, is renting a room from me, so he will still be around half the time. The other half will be a test, and for me the next venture will be a balancing act between making the most of and embracing this new peace and quiet, to making sure it doesn't consume me and trigger idle, anxious thoughts. I hope I am more prepared for this now.
So yes, it is a daunting step - I'm not quite sure what I'm feeling at the moment - but the next stage, I feel, in my chronology of trying to smash through my anxiety condition.
However, there is one thing that genuinely scares me. At the inception of both new living experiences, and one time when I stayed at a friend's house for two weeks to look after their cat, I suffered with really bad, short-term depression. I have never had depression for a long period of time, I'm grateful to say. But the one thing that has triggered it is moving to a new place. Unfamiliarity and the daunting-ness of such a big move is probably the reason, coupled of course with a vulnerability that having an anxiety condition for over 17 years can generate. So that is what scares me about this move - I don't want to experience this again, I hope that almost expecting it will help me manage it better; conversely, expecting it could make it more likely to happen. I just hope the perceived magnitude of the move will not affect me too negatively.
So I write this a week before I move into my new house. A couple of hours before I move out of my shared house. Another chapter is about to begin. Sadly for you lot, I have no doubt you'll here about it here or @AnxietyTracker first...
Best wishes
Al
