Everything I value is being battered

Hi all

I've been a bit down lately.  I think this coincides with a slow social spell, shall we say, in terms of not doing a lot out of work hours, that doesn't involve being on my own.  I am so much better these days at enjoying and appreciating my own company; one of the big positives about buying my house back in June was that I get more of this now and less uncomfortable-ness or stress sharing with other people.  But it doesn't alter the fact that it becomes increasingly distressing when I see most of my friends and those closest to me, whether by choice or design, in seemingly happy relationships, with their future all set out in front of them.  I have, rightly or wrongly, resigned myself to the fact that I am one of the few people seemingly not destined to find my 'special someone' who I ultimately settle down with.  I don't believe there is someone for everyone, I believe there is someone for everyone else. 

Battered fish... what do you mean 'the pics are getting less relevant?'

So, without a partner to share my life with and without any family locally apart from my parents (and with no brothers, sisters or cool aunties), I am, and always have been, reliant on my friends to provide me with a social life and interaction.  For you see, whilst being on my own is something I'm these days better at tolerating, and even enjoying, I still need interaction, especially in the dark evenings, to keep my mind from wandering to anxious thoughts.  And, without using the word carelessly, to stop thinking depressing thoughts about my future - being alone.  Plus the fact I do enjoy times with my friends!

Having had anxiety throughout the majority of school and University life, my confidence in many social situations has been battered.  It's also meant that making friends back in those days wasn't easy.  So I only have a few friends I can call upon.  Yes, they are truly fantastic people, a core of true, 'real' friends whom I wouldn't change for the world.  And, although quality not quantity generally stands, in this case it would be nice just to have a few more friends in the local area that I can call upon to fulfil my social palate.  It can be a challenge just to get someone out for a drink on a Saturday evening, particularly these days when all of these people are too busy enjoying their seemingly richer, fuller lives.

What all of this means is that I have learnt to value 'other' things in life.  I may have only done this in the past couple of years, when I should have done it a lot sooner, and not have been ashamed of doing it, but still - better late than never.  By 'other' things, I mean those things that don't include relationships, something that I don't have, and social occurrences, something which happen infrequently for me. I have blogged about these things a few times before, and how I must value them more and more.  The problem is, quite literally all of these things - and more - are being battered in some form or another. 

1) Buses.  I've been moaning for a while now that the council and the bus company - kind of a combined effort - that provided a bus to my parents' village has, as of 5 Sept this year, been cut.  This has caused now nearly three months of distress to many vulnerable people and no-one, to put it simply, has given a shit.  From a selfish point of view, I have mentioned before how I actually enjoyed catching this bus, because I knew so many of the people and the bus drivers who used to drive the route.  It was like a warm, friendly community which I enjoyed being a part of whenever I stayed at my parents place.  This has, quite literally, been ripped apart by this rash and poorly considered decision.  

2) Swimming. One of the best decisions I have made in the last five or so years was to take up swimming, for both the exercise (physical and mental I hasten to add) and because I have met some really great people here.  We're going for our third consecutive Christmas meal in a month's time which says it all (notwithstanding a Christmas 'meal' isn't something I could have done anyway much longer ago than that - see previous blogs!)  However, swimming is fast become a farce.  It is getting busier and busier and is filled with a huge number of inconsiderate people who swim wherever they bloody well like and sod the rest.  I have to slalom my six feet four frame through this splurdge of disrespectful folk - at best.  Sometimes it's impossible to pass at all.  To the point where, to swim properly and without getting angry at how so many people can have so little compassion, I am considering going to swim somewhere nearer to my workplace just to get away from it.  But in doing so, I leave behind my friends.  It's really disappointing that it has got to this.

3) University.  Although I finished University 7.5 years ago, I still go back to the campus quite often to help out with, for example, providing talks to students on my career since Uni and judging graduate dissertation presentations.  Through whoever I've been working for, I also host a student placement each year from the department.  As such, I get on very well with the lecturers and have a very good laugh with a few of them, one in particular who was my dissertation tutor in final year.  Guess what.  The department's staff is being cut by 20% - he might be one who leaves - and there is even the threat it's closed completely.  

4) Work.  Sadly, the Government don't care remotely about environmental sustainability.  As such, my job is currently under moderate threat.  Not only is one of my biggest passions in life, protecting the environment, at risk of being neglected, but I may not have a job fairly soon unless I change tack completely.  Apart from the obvious stress (anxiety?) unemployment would bring, it would also mean removing myself from my work colleagues, who are all brilliant people.  I have become part of real team over the past couple of years in this new (ish) job and this is very important to me given my circumstances.  Yes, of course there is always a chance I will get this again in a new job, but being realistic, it would be hard to replicate.

5) Walking. This is more long term, but given various issues, walking in the incredibly beautiful surrounding areas of where I live may become a rarer and less enjoyable thing if various things conspire against our environment - because as I mention above, people don't care about it.  See this blog for my fairly recent rant about this.

My real worry is that, if all of the above experiences either decline or disappear, coupled with my lack of a relationship and friends who ultimately, eventually, will probably move away and become less available to socialise, I am going to be left scrabbling for very rare glimpses of enjoyment.  What really makes me sad is that, when I was surrounded by plentiful opportunities for socialising, especially at University, I couldn't take advantage of them because of crippling anxiety.  Moreover, this probably prevented me from sparking up that relationship with that 'special someone' and puts me in the position I find myself in now.  Now I'm in a place where I could enjoy more social activity, sustain a relationship and appreciate the above list more, the ultimate irony is that everything that does exist is crumbling to the ground around me and things that don't are looking less likely than ever to start up.

Sometimes it really is hard not to blame anxiety for how life pans out.  This is one of those times.

Best wishes
Al

Commuting Chaos

Hi all

Commuting is something we all do.  Technically, if we walk downstairs from the bedroom to the kitchen, we're commuting, in a sense of leaving A and getting to B.  The only time I would argue against this theory is if you're out for a walk with no destination in mind - but even then, I imagine you'd like to end up back at home at some point.

Normal day at my railway station.

But of course, walking downstairs from the bedroom to the kitchen, sometimes calling via the lounge, is not something that generally stresses one out.  Commuting in the form that we understand it, i.e. leaving the house to go to work, on the other hand, can be a nightmare.  For someone with anxiety, going to wherever you're going to isn't what is frightening you - it's what happens on the way that you are concerned with.  

I've been commuting by train for work now for what will be two years this coming January.  The train journey is between 32 and 45 minutes (depending on whether I take the local or faster service) one way, so I spent at least an hour and five minutes per weekday on a train.  And that's when it runs when it should.  

And it's not just the act of getting on the train; it's also the bits either end.  I work in Birmingham, and my commute takes me to New Street station.  You may have heard in the news that it has recently been revamped.  In essence, it now has a glass roof and ticket barriers.  The trains still get delayed.

Anyway, it is a very busy station, especially at rush hour and being in a huge, dark place with hundreds of people dashing about can be very daunting and nerve-racking for someone with anxiety.  It is chaos.  You have people running past you and towards you, in all different directions.  People with suitcases that trip you up. General noise and confusing announcements.  And 25 platforms (12 platforms with a's and b's, and platform 4c is which is halfway to Smethwick).  Where do you start?  Stations of this size are not friendly places and can make the whole experience a splurge of utter nonsense.  I like to go into the station, walk absurdly fast through it, and come out onto the platform (fortunately my trains back usually leave from one of two platforms, so it's not too difficult) without spending any more time than I have to there.  I've yet to see the new glass roof.

Then there are the trains themselves.  Crammed.  Absolutely crammed.  The luggage rack or the toilet is often the best you can get by way of a seat.  The only way you can get a seat is by being rude and getting on the train first, otherwise you've had your chips.  You can try and stand where you think the doors are going to stop but you never get it right.  So you get on the train and have to stand pushed up against other people, many of whom are being ridiculously loud by talking on their phones or having bought their screaming children on board (it was half term last week...)  It is a horrible experience for anyone.  But for someone with anxiety, it's a real test.  It's a panic inducing environment and not a pleasant one.  

Being on a quiet train can be difficult enough - the inability to escape, the pressure of being 'ok' in front of total strangers.  I know this after my panic attack from hell in 2011 which ultimately sparked off the creation of this website.  But when you throw in far too many people, all of whom are in their own worlds pretending that there is no chaos going on around them, and you get total ridiculousness.

The public transport system in our country is absolutely abhorrent.  Anyone that commutes regularly will know this.  And for anxiety sufferers, it has more than just a negative effect on getting somewhere on time.  Just working out which train to get and at what cost can require a PhD.  And thanks to the current austerity culture, it isn't likely to get better anytime soon.  No money to spend on more carriages, more trains and something I would introduce if I was in charge of the rail network - "SILENT ZONES" - which would prevent anyone from making a single sound, let alone 'quiet zones' which are about as effective as using candy floss in an advertisement trying to persuade you to reduce your sugar intake.  Anyone who made a noise faced a £10,000,000 fine.  Which would then be used to fund MORE TRAINS.

MORE TRAINS would also mean fewer cars.  Hows that for stating the obvious?  The town in which I live is quite small, but the road system is notoriously terrible.  It is usually stationary at rush hour (and not at rush hour).  I don't drive (although I did try and learn but had to stop lessons back in 2005 due to multiple panic attacks at the wheel - ohh, anxiety) but having to commute at rush hour by road cannot be any more fun than being on a train.  At least on a train you can read a book or newspaper, play snake (I'm not one for overly modern technology) on your phone etc.  But you have to negotiate your way through thousands of other irate and stressed drivers when driving and keep in control.  At least if you were on a train and lost the plot you wouldn't endanger the lives of others and yourself in quite the same way.  

Our local buses are also being cut, as I've recently been blogging about.  These services provide a lifeline to many people, especially the elderly, who are now facing isolation and loneliness and, of course, the direct impact this will have on their mental health.  It's horrible to think that we live in a world where saving a little bit of money takes priority over the mental wellbeing of hundreds of pensioners.  So in this sense, a stressful commute is better than no commute at all.

Cycling isn't much better, given how poor the quality of our cycle paths are and how inconsiderate some drivers can be to cyclists.  Walking is probably the best option, but working any more than a few miles away from home renders this an unviable option.  

Commuting has a huge impact on our mental health, and not usually for the positive.  As difficult as this is, I would strongly recommend working as close to your house - or better still actually at home - as possible.  I enjoy my job, and what usually spoils my day is the commute there or back, rather than the job itself.

It can have a serious detrimental effect on anxiety sufferers.  It blocks recovery.  It can trigger panic attacks.  This can then have knock-on effects, both at the time (e.g. if you're driving a car) and in the future (i.e. attributing a panic attack to being on a train and then finding it hard to catch another train again).  This is what happened to me.  Thankfully I have overcome the worst of my commuting fear now, but it still mars my day all too often and one can only imagine what someone with anxiety experiences if they walk out into this world of commuting for the first time.  We look upon the powers that be to invest in commuting infrastructure (etc) to improve our experience.

Don't expect this anytime soon.

Best wishes
Al