Ugly, ugly, ugly.
Or even 'fugly,' which I believe is the more derogatory term often used nowadays. I use the latter if I'm feeling particularly down on myself.
This is what I think when I look into a mirror.
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| A small, black and white, slightly 'covered with hand' photo of me is the best you're going to get |
The Mental Health Foundation have been tweeting some statistics about body image today:
- "A quarter of men said they have felt depressed because of concerns about their body image.
- One in ten women have self-harmed or “deliberately hurt themselves” because of their body image.
- Almost one in five UK adults have felt “disgusted” because of their body image and one in five said they had felt “shame” because of their body image in the last year.
- Just over one third of UK adults have felt anxious (34 per cent), or depressed (35 per cent) because of concerns about their body image."
These are quite a shocking set of statistics, and I wonder how many of the one in four people with a mental health problem at any given time are experiencing a mental health problem because of a negative perception of their body image. I imagine, based on these figures, it's a significant number.
What I tried to do in the majority of my blog posts in the past is try to come up with a set of solutions to any problem that I discuss beforehand, such as panic attacks, eating problems or health issues as a result of anxiety. Unfortunately, I have never really dealt with my body image issues and so offering a solution wouldn't be overly helpful.
I, like many others, need to look at the various resources out there that can help; ultimately, I have no doubt that it will culminate in applying a mixture of CBT techniques I have already learnt and some I haven't.
So what is my problem? Well I have never been to a gym and I'm single. Putting two and two together comes up with 'therefore women must find me unattractive because I don't have a muscular body.' This automatically degrades women and depicts them all as shallow, as by this it looks like I don't appreciate that women don't actually just, or indeed at all, want someone who they wish to spend their life with to be Mr. Macho.
More to the point, I don't have the stats but I'm sure close to as many, if not more, women worry about their body image in terms of how men perceive them, as the other way round.
I know all this yet my brain has been wired to think that I will always be seen as unattractive. This, in turn, reduces my confidence and is another factor into why meeting someone for the purposes of even asking them out on a date, let alone building a longer-term relationship, is almost impossible for me.
It's not just my lack of large muscles. It's also about other factors that I have exaggerated over the years too. I'm tall and slim, so I can't even pretend to look muscular. I'm not even 32 and I've started to lose my hair. That small patch of body hair on my back is exaggerated into a forest in my mind. The dark patches under my eyes (caused by lack of sleep, another symptom of anxiety). And I won't even go into talking about the - shall we say - nether areas.
If you're bored enough to trawl back through my blog website, you'll see a recurring theme. Anxiety, a condition I've had from between about 1997 to 2013 and which its legacy still remains today, likes to exaggerate things and blow things out of all proportion. From pains (health anxiety) to parties (social anxiety) to eating in a restaurant (health and social anxiety) to driving (panic disorder) etc, it completely forces you to over-analyse and subsequently almost dramatise and intensify problems that aren't really problems, leading to potentially severe consequences (panic attacks and the like).
It's no different with body image. Anything that I deemed to be irrationally out of place or shape I magnify into something that it is not. Something that probably no-one else would even notice, but that I dwell on daily. The consequences, in the case of body image, is that of a lack of self-confidence and, frankly, a barrier to happiness.
Knowing it's daft does not help. (This goes for anxiety in general).
The summer is the worst time of year, incidentally. Men - generally the types of men I don't get along with, just for information - often go around shirtless when temperatures reach 20 degrees or higher. The majority of these men have muscular bodies. They want to show off their manhood. I feel irritated and uncomfortable - I would be laughed at and feel sick if I did that because my body is so ugly. Not thinking rationally, of course, that 80% of men don't have their shirts off and many of these are probably thinking the same thing.
I think my opinion and over-analysis of my body has been a bigger and more long-term problem than I care to realise. Just today's exposure (pardon the pun) of the subject in the media has made me consider this. I'm not saying that it is the root or sole cause of all my anxiety problems of the past, but I think it is certainly a contributor, especially to social anxiety (everyone thinks I'm ugly) and health anxiety (that oddly shaped thing on my body must be a sign of cancer).
I wrote a moment ago that perception of my body causes 'a lack of self-confidence and, frankly, a barrier to happiness.' I am grateful that this is true today, as in the past it may have led to consequences worse than this, such as panic attacks. But it remains one of the legacies (as I call them) of my chronic anxiety condition that lives on and, I believe, the more I think about it, affects my life negatively.
The final thing to say - which I think must be connected - is that I really struggle with photos. Really, really, really struggle. The photo at the start of this blog (same as my Twitter account) is the best I can do I'm afraid. I cannot abide looking at myself on a photo. The same thoughts occur - 'I'm ugly.' 'Oh my God, I can't believe I look like this.' I am that annoying person who refuses a photo in social or even work situations. Of course these days, with technology, not only is it easier than ever to take a photo but also easier to post it here, there and everywhere. Another reason I have a distaste for social media. I would ban selfies if I had my way. Still, at least in a work capacity - God bless thee GDPR.
So where to go from here?
Well, learning to love my body sounds easy but as with everything else that anxiety distorts, it is not as simple as that. I think the first step is to look at the various resources that have been circulated in the media today. Then, what often helps is to think that other people I'm speaking to probably have had similar negative thoughts about their body in the past too. As the stats I started this post with show, this is not an uncommon problem.
I urge anyone who is experiencing body image problems, especially where it affects you on a much more severe level than this, to apply the advice I always give irrespective of the mental health problem you're experiencing - talk to someone. A professional, friend, family member, colleague, stranger, to people who understand on Twitter. Then if they don't help, try again someone else.
Talking really is the best medicine.
Happy #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek everyone, and stay well.
Best wishes,
Al
PS - I may write another blog post again at some point in the future, but not regularly. I am, however, now involved in a co-podcast focusing on mental health (anxiety and OCD specifically) which you can find at the links below, or follow @_beenthinking on Twitter.
https://audioboom.com/posts/7183019-what-s-our-beef
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/ive-been-thinking/id1454016001?mt=2
https://open.spotify.com/show/6GJvOlT6MIUdDvxYcAQoLg
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