Beddy bye byes

Hi all,

So, call me stupid, but after not sleeping properly for pretty much all of my life I have now realised I have a sleep problem. I am always reluctant to say I have something when I don't. For example, I have NEVER said I have had depression, because the 'depression' I have had in the past is nothing compared to what chronic depression sufferers go through. It's the same reason I've never called myself an insomniac. I know I don't sleep enough, a legacy of years of anxiety (which I have had, of course), but I never considered that I qualified as sleeping badly enough to be diagnosed as an insomniac.

Vancouver - scroll down for the relevance

However, after several terrible nights recently, and generally a summer where I've slept badly throughout, I thought I'd read more on the subject. The very useful NHS Choices webpages helped me realise within about two minutes that yes, indeed, I do actually have insomnia. A combination of the nonsense I put myself through when in bed and how long I've not slept properly for (i.e. ever) = insomnia. And yet, I have never teared off any tights with my teeth (a line for any Faithless fans out there).

This recent bout of bad sleep has coincided with a particularly and unusually busy (verging on chaotic) period of my life, perhaps unsurprisingly, and has made it more difficult for me to cope with. Hence why I have looked into it more.

To give you a fairly typical night:
I go to bed at 10.
Asleep at 10:30
Awake at 3.30
Awake until 5.45
DREAM DREAM DREAM DREAM (literally, like 4 in half an hour)
Alarm goes off at 6.15
Wished I hadn't fallen back asleep again.

Other scenarios:
Asleep at 10:30
Wake up at 4.30 on a Sunday

Out socialising until 1am (very rare)
Still wake up at 4.30. Maybe 5 as a reward.

I go to bed at 10.
Awake until 1.
Still wake up at 5.

You get the idea. The latter is less typical and in my opinion is the worst scenario, but has been an issue recently. At least if I get to sleep quickly I've banked a few hours.

But, because I've been getting at least some sleep (usually), I have never considered myself to be an insomniac. But apparently, I don't need a weatherman to tell me when it's peeing down - according to credible sources, I am indeed an insomniac.  A basic assessment set up by Sleepio, an organisation I am just learning more about, asks a few questions a gives you a score out of 32. I scored 10 with the message basically pertaining to 'you have problems.' 

So the question is, what to do about it. You know my stance on medication, and gladly the same credible sources don't commend this unless as a last resort. There are lifestyle changes I could make, although many of the suggestions they provide I've already done over the years. I wear ear plugs, I have blackouts, my bed is comfy, I eat my meal quite early, etc. I can start by doing a few more, like not write blogs about lack of sleep an hour or so before bed (8:43pm at the time of typing). 

I am considering CBT-I, which having put a link into this sentence I now know as much about as you, if you've clicked on it. Whether there is a charity like Anxiety UK out there through which you can obtain CBT-I I'd be interested to know, for fear of the NHS waiting lists. Sleepio, as mentioned, is another potential. 

But at least now I can finally do something about this. Having an unofficial but nevertheless pretty reliable diagnosis helps, so I can at least admit I need to sort it. I will keep you posted on progress. I perhaps naively assumed my sleep would improve as my anxiety lessened, but alas, not the case. My sleep is still erratic and unreliable, at best, and I continue to have problems. 

I mean, it's a good job I'm not going anywhere in the near future where there is a long jet lag period, isn't it?

So in 11 days time, I fly to the west coast of Canada. This is the first time I have been anywhere where the time difference has been greater than 1 hour, and only the second time I have been somewhere outside of the UK and Ireland. So I thought why not, let's go for half way round the other side of the world. Start small, you know.

I have always wanted to go to Canada. Well, I say that, I didn't really want to go anywhere for most of my life due to crippling anxiety, but you get the point. Canada appeals; it's liberalism, it's scenery, it's environment and it's people all seem to be my sort of thing, much more than here. I never thought it would happen. But now it is.

I am going with my good friend of 15 years who will be with me every step of the way - quite literally, as he is a musician and he's touring. So yes, I am effectively a roadie for 11 nights. But what this has meant is that he has basically done all of the logistical organising, all I have to do is pay half, pack and turn up. The latter may be the hardest part. But at least, with him doing all that, I can focus my mind on getting myself right and in a fit shape. 

The magnitude of this trip for me is beyond comprehension, quite frankly, which may actually be a good thing as I have no idea what I'm letting myself in for. The nine hour flight, the airports, the being so far away from home thing... oh hang on, maybe I do. 

You will no doubt recall that I went to Edinburgh in February and Ireland in May, both on my own, and both as a sort of preparation to this tumultuous trip. I passed both Edinburgh and Ireland - yes, there were some hairy moments, but compared to what would have happened say 3+ years ago, I passed them both with flying colours, and actually managed to enjoy myself for the most part. 

But this. This is something else entirely. I'm not physically on my own, that's a good start. But I am very much on my own mentally and I know how much this trip is going to take me out of my comfort zone. Let me emphasise, let me embolden what this blogging site is all about - I am a chronic anxiety sufferer. Not was, am. Yes, the last couple of years have been plain sailing when compared to the previous 28, but the underlying nature of such a condition will never go. It will always be with me, it's just whether I can keep it pushed down far enough that I get through big events. So far so good. But this event is the biggest of all.

Then there's the jet lag issue. Bearing in mind the first part of this blog, this could either kill me or cure me, sleep wise. And of course, everyone reading this will know and appreciate that the better you sleep, the better your mental health. Needless to say, the worse your mental health, the worse you're likely to sleep, and so on. So how this aspect goes will have implications both for the trip itself and afterwards. The bit I particularly worry about is losing eight hours on the way back. I'm one for getting back into the swing of things immediately; this simply isn't going to happen this time.

All this is going on whilst loads of other things are happening too. Work has been particularly busy recently, doing 9-10 hour days instead of the 7.5 I'm paid for. My social life has been unusually active and not only that, I am currently courting a lovely lady. Yes I know, hell, frozen, all that. Add all that into the mix along with the on-going situation with my mum and you get... well a lack of sleep. And thus, we've gone full circle.

Canada, without question, is going to be the biggest test of my entire life, bar none and by a country mile. Forget Ireland, forget Edinburgh, forget Wales with my mate, forget eating out, forget leaving the house when I practically had agoraphobia in 2011... this is the next level and some. And when combined with all of those other things I've just listed, the implications of what happens on this trip and how I deal with it could be massive.

Readers - I'm likely to need you for moral support in the coming weeks and months. So please bear with me. 

Best wishes,
Al