There are lots of things these days that young people are expected to do. OK, so the first debate is whether I am still classed as a young person now I'm in my thirties, but that's a side issue for now. Yes it IS a side issue, no arguments.
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| With ever increasing apologies for the quality of the images, this sums up quite well what this blog is about |
This all links closely with anxiety. If you have an anxiety condition, you're more likely not to want to, or, more precisely, be able to confirm with this social acceptance. Likewise, if you're someone who doesn't fit with this perceived acceptance, then you're more likely to have anxiety as a consequence of other people making you think it's wrong to like or not like certain things. As with most aspects of anxiety it's a vicious circle, and can in the end lead to crippling social anxiety which results in one fearing to basically interact socially at all and even panicking at the thoughts of it.
Why on earth should we be made to feel wrong or inadequate for liking/not liking certain things? I put up with this a lot especially at school and even at university and into my working life, taking the brunt of people judging me or asking me why I am the way I am, or why I don't do certain things. People don't consider backgrounds or circumstances that may be hidden to the naked eye. We're all guilty of it, but I loathe those people who decide to express it in what I think is effectively bullying. 'I like this, this and this, do you? 'Not really.' 'You don't? I can't believe you don't. It's great, you're just weird.' When this sort of conversation happens constantly for many years, you get fed up with meeting new people as you feel inadequate and, eventually, exhausted from feeling like you have to explain yourself! As you can tell, I am somewhat scarred from this experience!
Here are some examples of things most men my age or younger are expected to like (and when I say like, in many cases I actually mean 'do because it's the socially acceptable thing to do'):
- Going to the gym. Where would you like me to start with this? I fully understand that gym type exercises are good for fitness, of course. I don't doubt that for a second. I'm not adverse, at all, to the exercises and indeed may even be starting my own gym exercises to help my on-going back pain in the near future. But thoughts of actually doing this in a gym terrifies me. Why? Body image for one thing - I know being slim is, especially now I've hit 30, a great thing and these days I eat a lot of food. I don't put weight on, largely because I'm six foot four and have a rapid metabolism, but this sort of slim, gangly build is apparently not a turn on, so I'm told. The last thing I want to do is put myself alongside blokes who have muscles on their spit (one of my mum's sayings). There is also a culture about gyms which reflect the opposite of my personality; it's macho culture, I guess, and body shape aside, I am like this in no way. I swear most people (men) who go to the gym do so to "look good," rather than to get fit, but I could be wrong. Anyway, because I don't go to the gym, I have been cast aside from society and, apparently, the dating net. This is just my experience, I'm happy to be told I've just been unlucky. I have nothing against the gym at all, just against what it has become a symbol for.
- Driving. I may have talked about this before. If I say to someone that I don't drive, I am usually laughed at and asked why. I don't answer by saying "because when I had lessons many years ago, I underwent days of panic and anxiety before, during and after each lesson." I usually use the environmental reason. Which is also true. But nevertheless, I have been judged so many times about this it's untrue.
- Clubbing. I may have never mentioned on this blog site that I like trance music. Ergo, I enjoy clubbing. No. I do not enjoy clubbing. I would enjoy clubbing if I was in a club with no other people bar the DJ (and perhaps one or two friends), but why on earth would you want to cram yourself in with hundreds of other people in a drug and alcohol fuelled environment I don't know. Yet I'm always the one made to feel small by not enjoying it. 'Oh it's great, you just get into it.' Yes, that's the problem, I want to get out of it.
- I like trance music. That never goes down well either.
- 'Extreme' sports. Now, this one really pisses me off. By extreme, I mean things like sky-diving or white water rafting. But I also mean things like abseiling and even zip wire and Quasar (or laser quest as I'm reliably informed it's called nowadays). Now, these sorts of things blew my mind when I was younger - on the odd occasion I was forced into the milder 'extreme' sports for the purposes of 'character building,' I... well, you can imagine what happened with my anxiety. But again, this is another thing when I say I don't enjoy them, I get told I'm soft. Soft but alive, I think you'll find.
- Facebook - this is a bugbear of mine (you don't say) and actually fuels all of the aspects mentioned in this blog even more. At least Facebook didn't exist when I was at school and was embryonic at university, otherwise people's platforms to call me odd would have been multiplied many times. And these days, you HAVE to be on Facebook (and other social media platforms), otherwise you're deemed odd. Apart from my mental health focused Twitter accounts, I am absent from all forms of social media. "Oh my God, who are you?"
Then there are the things I DO do, or have been conditioned to do over the years as a consequence of anxiety, that people automatically consider odd. Going to places on my own, for a start, being forever single and being very routined to name three examples. The reality is, most of these sorts of things I wish I didn't have to do/be like, but for various reasons I do/am, largely to ensure I maintain health and wellbeing. But for anyone to take the mickey out of people for being a certain way or doing/not doing certain things is absurd, unless it's light-hearted in obvious jest of course. I have spent most of my life with people telling me that I'm sad, odd, weird, stupid or miserable for living a life that for many years has been dictated to me, and that now I'm just grateful to be able to 'live' at all.
This is all a trifle when you consider the poor people, especially youngsters who are perhaps being bullied, who end up conforming to peer pressure to 'fit in.' This can involve alcohol, drugs, sex etc and is unacceptable as we know - in the worst cases becoming criminal acts. But people seem to enjoy bullying (because that's what it is) others into doing these sorts of things for the thrill. Many young people suffer at their hands of their so-called 'friends' by jumping on the bandwagon for fear of losing their 'friends' because they won't take this pill or whatever, often with serious consequences. Even I used to have to pretend on occasion that I had an 'allergy to alcohol,' because when I had anxiety I knew that drinking more than a couple of pints was not advisable - I used to wake up in the middle of the night panicking. I was often made to feel very small for not conforming to their demands. I was just about old enough and experienced enough to hold my own, but many understandably are not.
And social media (sorry to harp on) exacerbates this twenty times, because these bullies can target people all the time - there is no escape.
It's only been in the last couple of years that I have been comfortable enough in myself to not care when people pass comment at me for not liking/liking certain things. This is a combination of simply getting older and giving less of a sh*t generally, but also learning to take people's comments as a positive - as I wouldn't want to be like most people who pass such comments anyway. Do I wish certain things in my life were/had panned out differently? Of course. But ultimately I'm healthy, in a job I love, have my own house and most importantly have great friends around me, so screw you.
But this overall message of people being bullied by not conforming to the perceived norm is a serious problem and can cause and exacerbate mental health problems, especially anxiety and depression in young people. As we had into Mental Health Awareness Week 2018, perhaps we need to think about this and what it probably needs in many cases is people taking a good, hard look at themselves. And if you're oft a victim of these passing comments and peer pressure, tell them to sod off and embrace your personality. You're a far better person than they are.
Best wishes,
Al
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