Seven Steps to Stability - Step 4: Friends

MHAW 2014

Blog number four this week focuses on the power that friends have had on my recovery.  The first thing I should explain is that some of my friends know quite a lot about my anxiety issues and some don't.  Those that do know I've kind of generally told over a long period of time; it's been very rare to tell someone everything in the space of a few hours.

One of the most difficult things to do when you are going through severe anxiety is speak to other people.  In my experience, it doesn't matter whether you know them well or not, whether there is a group of you or someone on their own. Talking to other people when you're feeling like you're going to break is almost impossible.  But what I have learnt is that it is fundamentally important to try and break through these feelings and, as severe is this may sound, forcing yourself to speak to people usually helps in the long run.

But I appreciate who you talk to is important.  The whole point of this blog, of the various mental health charities, of people on Twitter trying to raise awareness of mental health, of this week's MHAW initiative, is to try and break the stigma around mental health, because sadly there are still people out there who do not know how to handle it when people tell them they have a mental health problem.  So telling the wrong person could do more harm than good.

So talking to people you can trust is very important.  You can talk to them about anything aside from your mental health problems at first, which in itself will help you to take your mind off them.  I remember talking to a good friend of mine for ages about music; nothing abnormal about this you might think, but because we share a similar interest in music style, we talked for ages about old song and new, bad songs and great songs and then ended up playing some of them very loudly.  It was just an hour or so of laughter and taking your mind off the darker stuff.

But in terms of talking to someone about your problems, this of course is not easy.  It is likely to be harder to talk to someone you know well rather than a complete stranger in these circumstances - perhaps part of the reason why we choose to talk to counsellors.  You don't know how anyone will react, and if a close friend reacts in a negative way, the impact is worse than if it's a stranger.  But in my experience, the closest friends will just want to support you and help you through it in their own way.  A profile of some of my closest friends follows, all of whom know a lot about my anxiety issues:

No.1: One of my very best friends doesn't ever tend to ask me how I am from an anxiety perspective.  They leave me to talk about it if I know I need to, and in a way this takes the pressure off.  But if I do talk to them about it, they listen intently and then ask questions to find out more if needed.  They are understanding, but we can quickly move on to talking about something else, totally unrelated.  Their tactic, overall, is to not talk about it and to take my mind off it with other conversations.  They enjoy it when I laugh - as daft as that sounds - because they know that my mind is clear for the time being of anxiety.

No.2: By contrast, one of my other closest friends does often ask me how my anxiety is.  Now before, I said that by not doing this, my previous friend doesn't put pressure on me.  But by this person asking me, they make it clear that they care and this person also understands some of my issues having experienced it themselves.  When we meet they always ask me how I am and how I'm doing and I'm happy to tell them.  They always reason with me and let me know how they are doing too.  I sometimes ask first.  It's a different tactic but one that works well in a different way. 

No.3: This third example comes from a friend who I now hardly ever see.  We had a heart to heart many years ago about mental health issues as at the time I was going through a really difficult patch.  And although we hardly see each other today, we occasionally have a deep and meaningful via the means of social media.  It tends to happen out the blue and always seems to come at a mutually convenient time.  But it's great and it means that if and when we do meet properly, we can talk about things quite openly.

The point of all this is to explain how important friends are in helping you through your condition.  Whether it is to share experiences, vent, cry or laugh, USE them.  Don't be scared of USING them.  Perhaps this is a bit idealistic, but the way I view it is that if a friend doesn't want to understand or cannot empathise with your problems, they are best not talking to about these issues and you can move on to another friend.  You'll get success with at least one. 

The first step is the hardest. Opening up to someone can be painfully difficult.  But in doing so and getting a good reaction is one of the best feelings you can get and for me is one of the most effective ways of getting yourself through a low patch.  I can only imagine that this is amplified even more if the first time you open up the person reacts badly... because if it goes well the second, third or fourth time, you will suddenly find real elation and it'll seem like a real success.

As the initiative goes, it's #TimetoTalk.

Tomorrow: Exposure on trains... no, not in that sense.
 
Best wishes
Al