Eating a burger doesn't necessarily seem like a challenging prospect, but that's the problem with anxiety - it's often the most trivial situations - ones that most people take for granted - that cause the biggest problems. In fact most people don't take such things for granted because they won't ever need to... eating a burger would never be an issue.
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As I've mentioned in previous blogs, eating out has always
been a problem for me, and in summary the more 'pressure' I feel that there is
on me, rational or not, the more difficult things turn out. Two good examples of when eating out has been
a nightmare include:
1) When I went for a series of meals out with one of my
friends. ONE being the operative word...
Because there was nowhere to hide, it put more pressure on me and thus affected
my eating.
2) A visit with a friend to a B&B in the Lake
District. This 3-night break was all but
destroyed by the first breakfast. The
woman serving breakfast was very brash to say the least and after the third
breakfast even made an observational comment about me not eating much. The problem with B&Bs is that it feels
like there is pressure to eat things, and the subsequent anxiety that I got
from this ruined the rest of the holiday, as eating everywhere then caused
problems.
I'll come onto the burger incident in a moment. But what actually happens when I've eaten out
- what sort of feelings do I experience?
Well, for a start, the anxious feelings can start days
before the meal itself. The thoughts
about a meal could start months before if, for example, a Christmas meal has
been organised in advance. On the day of
the meal, I basically feel very anxious, or 'close to a panic attack.' This, of
course, makes you feel physically poor anyway and couple this with health
anxiety and you have a concoction of... not wanting to eat much, or indeed, not
being able to stomach much. So when it
came to the meal itself, my breathing was shallow (coupled with bad sinuses)
and my stomach was churning, the LAST thing you feel like doing is eating. Consequently, I've struggled through a fifth
of the meal when the other person/people has/have finished, over-analysing
every mouthful. I get to a point when I
can simply do no more and I give in, trying my best to hide what is left on my
plate.
This sort of thing has happened numerous times, but one of
the worst times was a night out I organised for my birthday in 2010. Even though at the time I was struggling with
eating out generally, I still decided to hold a big night out in Birmingham
that started with... yes you guessed it, a meal at Nandos. Usually, the bigger the crowd during a meal
the better, because I can hide and people aren't focusing on me. However, this was MY birthday, and what's
more, it was a strange combination of friends who came for one reason or
another - i.e. there were less 'safe' people there.
So, after weeks of dread and despair - yes, instead of
excitement which of course it should be before a birthday do - the meal arrives
and sure enough, I am panicking by the time the food arrives. Everyone will have noticed, but the two
things that stuck out in my mind was one person saying to my other friend
(supposedly out of earshot) 'is he ok, he hasn't eaten anything,' and the
person sitting next to me asking me why.
I think I said "I've been a bit ill recently" which, if
classing anxiety as an illness, isn't far from the truth.
But then it went from bad to worse. The more people who noticed the worse I got,
and then during about the fifth painfully slow chew on a piece of burger, I
began to choke. It was so bad that I had to excuse myself to the toilet and phone
my friend from there to come and assist me.
Unfortunately, rather than bring me water he brought me my half-glass of
beer, which didn't really help...
Eventually, the choking dissipated, and in the end I
actually used this incident as an excuse not to eat any more food! Although in fairness, it wouldn't be easy for
anyone if they too had choked.
But of course, the choking wouldn't have happened at all had
I ate like a 'normal' person. I remember
my good friend saying that one of her friends who witnessed the incident asked
whether I had some sort of eating disorder.
At first I always thought that's what it was, but of course I've since
learnt it's all down to some bizarre anxiety that to this day still baffles me
a bit.
I'm pleased to say I'm going through a better phase now, but
I still don't look forward to eating out in certain situations. Over the last year, the hardest meal was my
birthday again, due to the fact that in my head, all eyes were on me and I
couldn't 'escape.'
This incident in Birmingham frightened me. Not just because I thought I might choke to
death; not just because I thought my friends would think I was ill or strange,
but also because I wondered where on earth I could go from here in future.
The message is this - anxiety can affect things that others
just do without thinking, like eating.
The best - but most difficult - thing I think is to not let it get to
you. Accept that anxiety can do this and
seek the appropriate help. Make things
as comfortable for yourself as possible in any situation; so when eating a meal
out, I always order a separate glass of water, wear loose trousers, remember to
breathe between bites, order the thing I prefer to eat the most and so on. Every little helps.
And also get a friend ready who doesn't bring you half a
beer to you when you're on the verge of asphyxiation.
Best wishes
Al
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