What Would Really Help...

I thought I'd get off the heavier topics for a bit by writing a blog that was a little more light-hearted in nature.  However, much of this is still the truth.

What would I really like to happen to help with my anxiety?  Let's be honest here - other people are the cause of most problems, anxiety being one of them, so with that in mind what would help contribute towards an anxiety free life?

If only all trains were like this...

1) Ban other people

OK, maybe not.  But it's tempting.

2) Ban other people on trains 

But this is definitely more realistic.  The fact is, train travel is absolutely brilliant.  The ability to cruise through the countryside or from one town to another at 100mph is great, watching the world speed past, giving you the time to relax, work, read or whatever it is you can do to pass the time on the commute.

However, this falls into complete impossibility as soon as other people get onto the train.  If one insists that people other than me must take the train to make the railway network economically sustainable - although given the amount I'm charged for a season pass I doubt this is the case - then passengers must undertake the following steps prior to boarding:

- A loudness test.  Why do people shout to the person next to them?  I insist that people are forced to whisper to everyone and they must be tested on this prior to being granted entry.

- A rudeness test.  Anyone who considers taking up two seats with themselves and their bag, anyone who pushes past, who invades your space etc is not allowed.

- All mobile phones are confiscated to spare us the 'listen to me' conversations people insist on having over the phone. This links with the loudness test.

- Don't talk to strangers.  Please don't talk to me if you don't know me, unless you'd like to strike up an interesting and intellectual conversation. Since I've started commuting daily, I've had people recite these following anecdotes to me on a train:

"Gosh you're tall, it must be awkward standing up if you're at the window seat."
Really? I hadn't noticed I'm tall.

"It's often really busy on these trains."
Said when 18 of us were standing up crammed into the vestibule end.

"Where are you travelling too?" Stafford. "The place with the hospital?"

I'm sad to report I didn't answer the last question.  I'm not normally ignorant, but if you don't have anything useful or interesting to say, don't make me feel uncomfortable by talking utter tripe or asking pointless questions.

3) Give people wing mirrors

I walk fast primarily because, as the man on the train pointed out, I am tall.  And I don't dither (my friend and I are forever cursing ditherers. Just get on with it).  So I walk fast and I am able to do so because I have a high spatial awareness.  If I can't overtake someone without risking pushing past, I wait.  If I'm standing in the street I move out the way when people are approaching to let them through.  If I'm sitting next to someone on the train, I give them equal room.  However, it seems most people have no spatial awareness.  They are usually idly browsing their phones or just simply not looking where they are going or not aware of the fact they are taking up 90% of the available room.  If we installed people with mirrors so they can could see all angles, then this would help.  Question is, I can manage to maintain spatial awareness, so why can't you?

The same goes for swimming.  People seem to be unable to see others in the pool and swim in a straight line assuming the other person (me) swims out of the way.

Unless it's just rudeness??

4) Ban over-confidence

Along with a loudness test, one should also be made to take an over-confidence test before going out with friends, starting Uni or moving into a shared house.  Give them the following brief:

"You have five minutes to talk about something. Anything you like."

If they talk a lot about themselves and not a lot about anything else, this suggests over-confidence and thus will not help social anxiety sufferers.  This often comes hand in hand with loudness as well so you could easily combine the two tests.  Job done.

5) Ban TV adverts or documentaries about health

As someone with health anxiety, the last thing I need is a unnecessary medium that triggers off panic at the site of an advert around having a stroke, for example.  If you're in the UK you will have seen it.  The one that looks like there's a burning hole appearing in someones head, with an annoying narrator telling you what you should do if someone is having a stroke.  I'm sure it's all useful information, but I have to run out of the room or cover my eyes and ears if that sort of televisual comes on because otherwise I will sub-consciously begin looking for signs that I am about to have a stroke.

Health anxiety is a lovely thing, eh?

What makes it difficult is if something like this is part of a programme or it happens when you're at the cinema, for example.  What do you do then without drawing attention to yourself?  Banning such adverts or story lines in programmes, or at least providing a warning before they appear, would minimise health anxiety triggers no end.

6) Enforce law around dog leads

Bear with me on this one.

As you may have gathered, I love the countryside, I love walking and I'm lucky enough to have plenty of great scenery and space near to where I live.  I type this particular section of this blog just an hour after returning home from an 8-and-a-half mile Sunday morning walk.  What I don't like about such walks is the fact that you have to play 'dodge the dog' every time you're out.

People seem arrogant about not putting their dogs on leads around where I live, even though most of them cannot control them.  They run at you round here, from in front or behind.  Please, put your dogs on leads if you can't control them so that other people can enjoy their walks and not have to worry about having to bandage up their ankles.  And whilst you're at it, take a loudness test.  Don't disturb the rural peace.

I love animals, including dogs... just not the owners who can't control them.

7) Ban relationship procrastination

Whether this is the same for most people with anxiety I don't know, but for me trying to read other people that you like is a very difficult task.  Over-analysis often comes hand in hand with anxiety and as such you need clear signs if someone likes you and if they are willing to meet up.  Unfortunately, everyone I've ever fallen for is about is easy to a read as a work of Shakespeare in sanskrit.

I would make it so that people have to say what they think when it came to relationships and feelings, as it would make life a darn sight easier.  Even if it wasn't what you wanted to hear, it would prevent months of emotional dithering and eventual heartbreak, which could have just happened in five minutes if we didn't procrastinate.  

8) Enforce personal health laws

Everyone should:

- Wash their hands after sneezing or doing anything with their hands that could have made them dirty (answers on a postcard please).

- Where a mask if they insist on coughing or sneezing frequently.

- Shower daily.

...and just generally clean themselves and clean up after themselves as a routine.  Punishment for failure to do these things is ten years in prison.

I feel, therefore, that if these seven principles were enforced - and the list probably isn't exhaustive - then people with anxiety would all live in a much less anxiety-fraught world.  We would be comfortable around other people and live happily ever after in a clean house and where everyone was blunt, had wing mirrors, spatial awareness, a dog with a lead, no TV adverts relating to health problems and people who were quiet and shy. 

If we also wipe out all wasps, spiders and caffeine, we're almost there.

Best wishes
Al

The Impact of Chronic Anxiety on a Young Person

Many of my more recent blogs have focused on confidence and how having years of anxiety has decimated my confidence in certain situations, particularly socially and in developing relationships.  This blog kind of continues on a similar theme, but my over-thinking of this issue lately has led me to draw more firm conclusions about why my confidence is decimated and the role anxiety has played in this.

Insert stereotypical image here

Ever since I was in primary school, I knew I was not 'normal,' as my child-framed perception of having a mental health problem was.  I know the statistics say that 1 in 4 people will, at some point, experience a mental health problem, but my assumption is that this is over the course of a lifetime; I don't know the stats for children.  Either way, it didn't seem that I was able to do things to quite the same extent as others my age, all the way from about the age of ten to my University years, and since.  In the very early days, I didn't even appreciate that what I had was a manageable problem and considered it something I had to put up with, until it dawned on me in late high school that this wasn't the case.  My symptoms to those closest to me were more than obvious, I'm sure, which I think goes to prove again how little support I got in dealing with my anxiety growing up, not because people didn't want or try to help, but because they didn't know what to do.  It wasn't until I was nearly 25 years old that I realised what I had to do, and even then I had to work it out for myself, with no guidance from family, friends or professionals.  

So all this anxiety - 

from OCD thoughts back way in 1997 ("please don't let me die" was a mantra I remember I kept repeating in late primary school - I'm not totally sure who the plea was aimed towards but anyway) and general fear about death, to constant panic attacks particularly in 2002-4, to Pure-O and panic in 2005-7, chronic eating problems in 2003-6 and again in 2010-11, health anxiety the entire time to varying extents, to my epic panic attack in 2012...

- has not surprisingly prevented me from enjoying the fruits of life in quite the same way as many other people.  Going back to the 1 in 4 statistic; anyone experiencing a mental health problem at any time is a terrible thing, but how many of these 1 in 4 have a chronic condition, a condition that persists for years and years?  And how many of these start in relatively early childhood and persist throughout most of their developmental years?  Less than 1 in 4, I would wager.

Of course, it's between the ages of 10 and 27, the latter of which I am now, that most people who class themselves as not being poor (which my immediate family isn't) are able to flourish and discover the world, particularly nowadays with University, gap years and the greater opportunity there seems to be to travel and delay getting a full time, 'take up all your time' job.  So I'm afraid I haven't been abroad many times (only once, if you don't count Guernsey and Ireland), I haven't joined various clubs, tried this or that sport, been so drunk that I've woken up next to my best friend's girlfriend's hamster in the back of an unknown person's sports car, or been to thirty festivals each year since I was six years old.  I haven't been able to, for large periods of that time, even contemplate doing these things, let alone actually do them.  For most of it, I wouldn't have been in the mental or, consequently, the physical space to be able to.

Since completing fifty sessions with Anxiety UK's fantastic therapy service, which I concluded over two years ago now, I have been in a stronger position to have discovered more of these experiences.  That said, for me, being able to catch the train and live away from my parents' home without major problems are still classed as huge achievements.  But, I'm certainly in more of a position to do a couple of things, no least go on holiday somewhere different or try a few different past-times.  It would be hard, initially, but doable - and doable, although not spectacular when many people take such things for granted, for me is better than I could have hoped two years or more ago.

So what's the problem?  A lack of confidence, caused twofold: 1) My confidence during these anxious years understandably made me very low on confidence generally, about most things.  Social things, doing presentations, driving and at times, just being out of the house.  But also 2) this chronic anxiety has had a long term effect on my confidence.  True, certain confidences, such as doing presentations for work, have improved dramatically through continued practice, but other confidences, especially socially, have not, because I've never had the opportunity to build it up.  Confidence through work came naturally because once I secured the jobs I've had, things like presentations were thrust upon me.  Whereas socially, it's up to me to make the first move, which is of course the most difficult thing.  

And even though my anxiety is in a stable and more manageable position today, social confidence if anything is becoming worse.  The older I get, the harder it is to justify why I haven't done this, that and the other.  Consequently, rightly or wrongly, I feel like I'm dull, feel like I'm uninteresting in other people's eyes.  This is especially true when you factor in my lack of ability to actually speak up in conversations about most topics, even if I have an interest in it or an opinion about it. As I mentioned in the last related blog, it does seem these days that there are more confident people around too - although that's probably naturally people becoming more confident with age.  If anything, in certain ways, it's reversing for me.

I've not shied away on this blog from how this may affect my long-term relationship prospects and this is a genuine concern.  I think I have an extreme perception about how I should come across, i.e. very "interesting," but even still - that feeling is very difficult to shake off.  It's little wonder that this is the case, given how anxiety has prevented my "interesting" experiences.  Even today, I still fear doing something totally out of the ordinary will trigger a nasty incident, so it's not as if I've reached that 'sod it, I'm going to do it and to hell with the consequences' stage yet.  Maybe I will at some point.

Don't get me wrong though. I am a lot happier now than I was even just a couple of years ago, and certainly at other times in my childhood, teenage years and early twenties.  I am grateful for what I now have, and indeed, what I have less of, i.e. constant, severe anxiety.  But perhaps I should be more grateful of this, rather than feeling low about what I perceive to be a lack of opportunities I have in the future due to my battered confidence.  But it's not always easy, especially when other people around you have seemingly more "interesting" lives - or are at least able to convey their lives in a more interesting away.

>> Today is World Suicide Prevention day and in relation to this I will just say one thing - I am genuinely grateful for having never felt I've needed to take my own life.  I hope WSP day and on-going action will help all of those people who have felt and do feel like this, as the frequency of incidents of suicide is becoming truly shocking and heartbreaking.

Best wishes
Al

The Twitter Army

It's around six months since I set up my @AnxietyTracker Twitter account.  At the time, I didn't know how to use Twitter and perceived it to be something that people used simply to pry on the lives of celebrities, which isn't something I have a vast interest in.  But I also understood that it was the best, modern way of getting something out there, out into the public domain, especially for businesses for example.

Did they ever consider the name 'Honk?'

In addition, people love talking about themselves - that's just human nature - it doesn't mean we're all self-absorbed or arrogant.  Of course we love talking about ourselves, we know ourselves better than we know anyone else. That's what we think anyway.  And Twitter, by it's very nature, has given us a platform to shout about what we're doing and what our opinions are to the whole world.

The problem for me is that anxiety has battered my self-confidence and perception that I am anything other than dull and uninteresting, a perception I still hold today.  So why on earth would I want to shout about what I'm doing, given that I also know that I'll care if other people don't care about what I'm doing.  It's just setting up a recipe for disaster - a mundane one. 

"I'm watching the #football."

0 retweets
0 favourites
0 replies
0 one gives a s**t

You get the idea.

So I mused about this and thought that the best thing I would be able to tweet about is mental health, my associated experiences and my blog which was already relatively well established. People genuinely may find that interesting and may get some benefit from it.  It's also a topic I know a bit about, having been through anxiety for most of my life.  I can be confident it'll be read with genuine interest by at least somebody and will, therefore, make it worth my time.  I could even tweet about the odd non-mental health related story, if I'm feeling really brave. (This hasn't happened too often).  

So I quickly learnt the basics of Twitter and found that I acquired a fair few followers very quickly, and not just followers, but the right 'sort' of followers.  In other words, those people who also have a mutual interest in mental health and, of course, experience of suffering, whether it be anxiety or another mental health issue.  You also have to follow the right people, which I've also tried to do.

And although mooted above, it then struck me that being on Twitter and talking about mental health is one of the best ways to raise awareness.  Along with promoting my blog, it could also generally contribute a minuscule amount to the existing Twitter and non-Twitter Army of people who are doing their bit to try and combat the stigma surrounding mental health.  Promoting my blog will do this anyway, because that's what this blog is all about, but my general whimsy and tweets about anything to do with mental health do one thing if nothing else - prove that I'm not frightened or embarrassed to talk about it.

And what I have also learnt since setting up my Twitter account is that there is a huge army of people using the tool who are doing the same thing - whether it be purposely like me, or inadvertently.  There are so many people who use it to express their feelings and what they are going through, to an army of people who understand.  And all of this raises the awareness of mental health and how we can stop the stigma.

It's not all positive in my experience, though.  Whilst Twitter is a great tool for raising awareness, my fear is that some people become gripped by it and almost addicted to what it can do - a bit like Facebook.  It could also become a substitute for actually verbalising (or talking, as they say in English) about mental health which still has to be the most effective way of getting the messages about mental health across - doesn't it?

I have very mixed emotions about social media and what it is doing to society, as I've expressed in previous blogs.  But in this case, the case of raising awareness of mental health and trying to remove stigma, I think it is far more positive than negative.  It's wonderful that so many people are 'coming out' about their condition, people who may not have the confidence to do so in verbal form but who do when it's in the confines of their own digital world.  OK, so it's a mask, but one that can reach more people than verbalising, potentially.  

I have a modest 137 followers on Twitter to date, but given much of my twittering is done on the train on my commute to/from work and that I always fail in taking the time to follow loads of people myself, I'm still satisfied with that.  If just one person finds my blogs or posts useful, I'm happy - it's worth continuing.  

I still think we need to activate caution when using social media generally, especially from a mental health perspective, but in my mind there is no doubt that Twitter, with it's ever-growing army, has provided a positive platform in contributing towards killing off mental health stigma.  

Best wishes
Al

The Selfishness of Health Anxiety

I've learnt, having lived with health anxiety for nigh on 17 years, that it can be a very selfish condition.  Or rather, it can make you into a selfish person at the most sensitive of times. 

Another fairly accurate depiction...

Health anxiety, by my definition, is thinking that a pain or physical discomfort of any sort that I have is going to turn into something life threatening.  So for example, in the past I have had many issues with a fast heart rate or a chest pain and being convinced a heart attack is imminent.  Of course, thinking like this makes you feel anxious and therefore increases your heart rate and the likelihood of chest pains.... I figure you get my point and the vicious spiral such a condition can turn into.  And it can be with any pain - I've even been known to associate random pains with conditions where a link between the two is nonsensical.  It's like there is an incorrect wiring in my brain that automatically makes me do this and, although I have better tools to manage it since undergoing CBT, it's still something I have to live with.  

However, whilst being a pain in the backside - no doubt, a life threatening one - this isn't the selfish part of the problem.  This comes in when I hear about other people being ill.  When someone starts talking about illness generally, I often get strong feelings that I am going to become ill with that same illness.  I pick up on the most minor ailments that I've ever had and concoct a complex tale that said ailment is going to become the illness that is being talked about. I've also been known to feel faint when an illness is being talked about, particularly if it's a tale from start to finish, e.g. if someone was talking about someone else who had recently had a heart attack and the associated symptoms, I would often have to leave the conversation due to feeling faint or, at best, uneasy.  

Moreover, there are potential longer-term implications for something like this.  If the story teller, for example, was to describe how the person with the problem felt, I would latch onto this and add it to my portfolio of symptoms that I can then blow out of all proportion.

Other than seeming rude and exiting a conversation mid flow, this doesn't result in any great selfishness either. However, the above scenario is the same if someone falls ill when I'm with them.  A good example is when a friend from my old place of work fell ill during a Christmas meal one time.  He suddenly stopped responding to people and almost zoned out - it was very strange and sudden, and an ambulance was called fairly swiftly.  Witnessing this gradually resulted in me becoming hotter and hotter and spots started appearing in my eyes, so much so that I had no choice but to take myself off to the toilet cubicle and sit there for what could have been anything from five to fifty minutes.  I had to sit with my head down so that I didn't collapse and as such, I couldn't help out with the situation that was unfolding in the pub, or even express my concern whilst sitting there helplessly.  

So, although I'm sure people probably didn't notice, I felt selfish for having to put my own needs first.  What didn't help is that the person who fell ill in this case is one of those people who would do anything for anyone and as such the fact that I couldn't even be there to help when he needed it most made me feel terrible. The reality is, though, that I know I did the best thing leaving the scene.  Had I stayed, the rest of the group would have had two sick people to deal with, so I had no choice; my selfishness was, at least, enforced.

Now, me leaving didn't have much impact on this situation.  My main concern is if something happens to someone, whether I know them or not, and I happen to be the only person who can help them, for whatever reason.  Perhaps I could be trapped in a lift with someone and they start having a panic attack, thus inducing one in me? Sounds stupid, but why not?  The last thing I want is for my weird health anxiety condition - if that's what this is - to prevent me to from helping someone when they most need it.

I also have this thing around other people who are ill - not as seriously as the example above, but say if someone has a cold, I suddenly want to wrap myself up in a bubble and get away from them.  I express discomfort around people if they have some sort of illness or, as daft as it sounds, even if someone sneezes I can feel uncomfortable.  I think this is more of an OCD thing than a health anxiety thing, but it still relevant and similar in many ways.  If someone sneezes, I'm automatically guaranteed a cold, if you believe my mind.  It's the same catastrophic, negative thinking that I can't escape from to do with health.  As a result of this, another selfish element comes in -  if someone is sick and they want to talk to me about it, I just want to avoid them for fear of catching it from them.  Thus appearing like I don't care.  Either that, or I come to them armed with Carex hand gel.

The summary - I over-analyse health and I catastrophise over what could happen to me.  I feel selfish when I have to take myself away from 'unhealthy' situations. I just wish I could re-wire my brain so that I didn't get this ridiculous negative thought in the first place.

But then again, if I could do that, I probably wouldn't have anxiety.

Best wishes
Al  

The Confidence Issue

I have alluded to this numerous times on this website over the past 2+ years and perhaps unsurprisingly, a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem often go hand in hand with chronic anxiety conditions.  My confidence in certain situations is still so low, usually on a social scale and unfortunately in this day and age I am surrounded by a whirlwind of high self-confidence and almost arrogance that people unashamedly display.  People love talking about themselves and of course social media has become a platform on which to do this to an even bigger audience.

Fairly accurate

People actually think we care about things happening in their lives. Some people do, true friends maybe (if this isn't a dying concept), but such true friends would surely know about their engagement, their new house or their pregnancy anyway.  Because, therefore, there are so many platforms on which to showcase your lives, and because as a nation we seem to be getting more confident and self-absorbed anyway (or maybe that's just my impression), people whose confidence has been ravaged, like mine, become even more distant from the rest of society - thus making your confidence even lower. Even I Tweet and post the odd Facebook status about my life - even though I know no-one gives a crap.

So yes, people love talking about themselves.  They enjoy saying what hobbies they have, what they are into, what their personal statuses are in terms of relationships, for example.  Unfortunately, I've been surrounded by many people who have seemingly done a lot with their lives - they've been on many holidays, stag dos (I can't think of anything worse personally), skiing in the Alps, elephant riding in the Galapagos Islands (this probably isn't a thing but you get my point).  Most of the people my sort of age come from fairly privileged backgrounds, so they have had the financial support to do such things.  And of course there's their almost compulsory tales of drunken times at University and how much fun they had.  Whilst some of us wasted two years battling serious anxiety.

So they can naturally be more confident because they have more things to brag about.  Slightly harsh maybe, but that's how it comes across if you're someone who would like to have travelled and be in a blossoming relationship, but who haven't had the opportunity because your confidence or ability to travel or sustain a relationship has been disrupted, at best.

And yes I won't deny some (some - not all) of people's tales can be interesting or entertaining, genuinely.  But in the end tales of their fabulously adventurous lives have longer-term 'I'm wasting my life' connotations with someone like me who hasn't done many of these things.  Don't get me wrong, many of the things people talk about I wouldn't want to do, but it would have been nice to have had the option.

Even though my anxiety is now much more stable than at most periods in the past, a) certain things I would still find difficult and b) these historical periods have made things more difficult to execute now I'm older.  University experience, for example, has been and gone.  Developing a relationship (see last but one blog) becomes more difficult the older you get, by anyone's admission.  

And whether it's because of social media or just a generational shift change I don't know, but people these days just seem to be more confident, more cocky and want to dominate conversations.  

I also despise the role of alcohol in all of this.  Why is it that social events are automatically not good if alcohol is not involved?  People feel that they have to get drunk to have a good time.  Again, alcohol and me haven't been friends in the past (causing fast heart rate, etc) and so I can't tell as many tales, or indeed brag, about my wonderfully drunken nights in the past.  Get over yourselves.

Okay, so this has turned into a bit of a rant, which surprisingly was not my initial intention.  My point is this - I don't feel comfortable talking about myself. If people ask me how my day was, or what I'm up to at the weekend, I feel embarrassed by telling them if it doesn't involve copious amounts of alcohol or if it involves enjoying a long walk or watching football.  I'm quite happy doing that, but I almost feel like I'm being judged by not doing something that is perceived by society as more 'interesting.'  Even from a work perspective, people don't hesitate in telling me what they have done at work.  I don't mind this, I find it interesting;  but when people ask me I find it hard to tell them in an interesting way, so I end up saying that my day was just OK and thus my day's appraisal gets swallowed up by everyone else's.  People also have the uncanny ability to make it so that if you don't like the things they are into, you're weird.  Again, I refer to skiing, skydiving, drinking excessively, taking crack and so on.  Why?  But nevertheless, this 'shoot you down' attitude further lowers the confidence of someone like me.

I've had a long-term debate with myself as to whether a lack of confidence causes anxiety or anxiety causes a lack of confidence.  I think now it's a bit of both; I feel uncomfortable in social situations which makes me anxious for example.  Conversely, having anxiety and its preventative nature means I have less to talk about and that makes me less confident in social situations.  It's not a very nice spiral.  

As my last but one blog showed, I have a chronic lack of self-esteem and confidence in many situations still today.  Just the thought of anyone being interested in anything I have to say is not a concept I can accept, and yet most people are totally the opposite.  My ability to approach certain uncomfortable situations is shockingly poor.  Years of anxiety have led to a potential perception that I am boring.  Moreover, certain things that I do that I love (e.g. walking, listening to trance music etc) people think is boring.  So why would I want to talk to them about it?

There are a select few people who, yes, might talk about themselves and their interests but who also show as much of an interest in you, and ask you questions that are thoughtful but that don't go too far.  But generally, I feel as someone with chronic issues around this, that I am being more and more swamped and drowned by an ever increasing population of over-confident beings.

Best wishes
Al

GUEST BLOG: Incy Wincy Spider

This is a first - a guest blog.  One of my good friends posted the below status on Facebook a few days ago, detailing her experience of a Spider Friendly programme that she has recently been on.  This is an attempt to alleviate chronic phobias of spiders and may be applicable to other common phobias as well.  It's only a short blog in comparison to many of my marathons, but that's one of things I love about this, along with its complete honesty in its appraisal.

B***ards

Guest blog, by Leanne

A few of you wanted to know how the London Zoo friendly spider programme (group hypnotherapy for arachnophobia) went this weekend. I know I'm not alone in having extremely frustrating and stressful encounters with eight legged things so I'll describe it in case it works for someone else. Firstly we had a talk from a psychology lecturer about phobias, how we develop them and why we can't seem to 'logic them away.' Then we had a group discussion about the specific elements of spiders that cause the reaction (most of us were OK with the idea of small pink fluffy four legged slow moving 'spiders') and how we can react before we even consciously register them (ball of fluff on the carpet?!) Then the Zoo arachnid expert talked to us about everything we've never wanted to know about spiders, including sadly how conkers, peppermint and 'ultrasonic gizmos' don't work.  

Then we did a group hypnosis session with a psychologist; this basically involved relaxation techniques which will be very familiar to anyone who has sought help for insomnia etc.  The idea was to consciously relax every muscle in your body from toes to head back to toes and up again. Then the hypnotist counted us down ten imagined 'steps' into a deeper state of relaxation asked us to feel how heavy our limbs were and how relaxed we were. He then told us he will count us down the last three steps and that's the depth of trance we will stay at. This was very pleasant and my limbs were very heavy and relaxed. When everyone was relaxed he encouraged us to tell ourselves that 'spiders were safe' and imagine our fear floating away. Then everybody got up and we went straight over to the zoo bug house. 

Now, there were about 50 people, all of whom had rated their initial fear at 8-10 out of 10. We first looked at the spiders behind glass and everyone seemed really interested although I wasn't that keen. Then we went over to some open-lidded boxes with some FLIPPIN MASSIVE house spiders in and bizarrely most people crowded round keen to have a look. I wasn't keen - after all, there were FLIPPIN MASSIVE spiders in those boxes. Duh. Most people were happy to play with the spiders and 46 out of the 50 held the things and were calm. I can't understand what was different for them but it was life changing for those people. 

Sadly I was still unhappy, very unhappy, as my hope for getting over the fear had now gone out the window. I really wanted to try and get over it so I made myself go in and poke a leg with my fingernail, it took me 70 minutes to go back in and two internal panic meltdowns and was the most stressful thing I've ever done but I poked it. I did learn a lot about the creatures and it was useful to speak to people who didn't think I was a nutcase for being scared but sadly it didn't work for me - but I was a minority. Apparently my subconscious is as stubborn as my conscious.

To non-arachnophobes, please never tell someone that 'it's ok they can't hurt you' or 'they're more scared of you' because do you honestly think that hasn't occurred to the person in question?! It only makes them more frustrated / stressed / embarrassed. Just fetch them a mallet, or - as someone creatively suggested - a flamethrower.


Al's comment: As I said above, a very honest and open encounter laced with comedy, but with a serious message.  Phobias about spiders, or anything else, can seem stupid to many people.  "Pull yourself together."  It's the same as any anxiety condition.  But it's not as simple as this and when techniques don't work it can be extremely demoralising and can set you back further than where you started from.  I would question in Leanne's case exactly how many of the other 50 people have 'real' phobias - they seemed to overcome them all too easily to me.  It's not easy, in reality.  But that's just my opinion.

Thanks to Leanne for allowing this post.

Best wishes
Al 

Something for someone

Okay, so I have a major problem at the moment that is eating me up inside.  When I say major problem, you could argue that I am exaggerating, given that 'major problem' for me would mean a relapse into my most anxious days when I could barely leave the house.  Yes, that would be a major problem, so perhaps I'd re-label that as enormous problem, and keep this problem as major.

Couldn't think of an appropriate image

See I'm waffling. It's because I've been struck down by an inability to talk to someone, or ask someone, something because of years of a chronic lack of confidence that I blame, rightly or wrongly, on anxiety.  It could, of course, be the other way round (lack of confidence causing anxiety) or a bit of both, but I've gone into this debate before and don't wish to again.  The answer is almost irrelevant anyway, the lack of confidence I have is reality either way.  
Anyway, without spelling it out, when I say I have an inability to ask someone SOMETHING, I think you know what I mean.  But this is different to anything I've felt before.  I'm being driven insane (metaphorical and thus ironic use of the word, just to clarify) by this particular someone and for the first time ever - literally - I can say that I am expressing feelings like I never have before.  Sure, I have felt certain things for certain people before, but I was too young the last time I did for it to be 'real,' and regardless, the feelings aren't a strong as they are now.  

The first issue is, I don't know enough about this someone.  Is this someone even with someone else?  I've found out things about this person that contradict, but there again it's never outright stated that she (ok it's a she, just in case you were wondering... well with my name let’s face it, you'd be wondering) is not with someone else.  I've tried probing (verbally), as such:

'What did you get up to at the weekend?' "I went to the cinema and saw X. It was really good..." etc etc

WHO WITH??

"I've just bought a puppy!" 
'Oh yeah' [shows photo] 'Aw he's a cutie! Who looks after him when you're at work then?!'
"Well my uncle pops in from time to time to check on him."

BUT WOULD YOU BE GETTING A PUPPY ON YOUR OWN??

'Do you have a flat then?'
"No, a house."

WHAT, ON YOUR OWN??

"I went to Barcelona on holiday, it was amazing!"

WHO WITH??

JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING WILL YOU PLEASE??!!  Any ounce of information will do.  By the way she talks, the way she acts, and the fact she hasn't mentioned anyone else, it suggests that she isn't with someone else, but the facts above aren't necessarily backing this up.  In my mind, if I ask her outright if she's with someone else, I would be making it obvious as to why.  How do I find out what I need to know without making it blindingly obvious why?  
The problem is, if I did find out there wasn't anyone else, I'm not convinced that would make it much easier to actually take the next step.  As I mentioned, years of chronic anxiety have left me not only with the inability to deal with these situations, but I also have a chronic belief in myself that anyone could possibly like me.  Perhaps that is why I'm sitting here tonight feeling gut-wrenchingly heart-broken for someone I never even had.  I'm also scared of rejection, which I appreciate is more of a normal thing, but there's normal scared then there's 17 years of anxiety scared.  A different ballpark, as those who know what having anxiety is like.  There is also a comparatively minor implication with regards to work; it's not as if we work for the same company, but I work with her on various things (how I met her in the first place) and if I balls this up it could have negative implications for work and make it harder.  This alone wouldn't stop me from taking that step, but it doesn't help.

I write this blog in a quite light hearted way, but actually, this is eating me up inside.  I fear for my future.  I fear that I am going to let potentially the most amazing opportunity pass me by just because of the sickness that anxiety has caused me over the years.  Similarly, if I ever do take that step, the fear of rejection could just set me back even further.  

As much as being single isn't something I enjoy, being single and ignorant - i.e. not liking someone - was a heck of a lot easier.  As for now, well I don't know what happens next.

Best wishes
Al

Mental Weather

You may have picked up from previous blogs that I work in the field of environmental sustainability.  I changed jobs back in January and although this new job has its own stresses, I love the area of work I'm involved in and hope I am lucky enough to continue working in this area in the future.  I won't go into exactly what I do but sufficient is it to say that it involves running events and supporting organisations become more sustainable themselves.

Things aren't quite this bad...

A significant part of my job and a big passion of mine is the severe weather side of this, i.e. protecting organisations from being shafted by severe weather.  One of the most fulfilling parts of both of my jobs is/has been working in communities and, more recently, with health professionals in trying to make patients and communities more resilient to the impacts of the weather and to try and alleviate fuel poverty, where possible.  I'm currently, with support, developing a network with health practitioners to try and make severe weather something they think more about on a daily basis.

As such, the research and real-life situations I have seen in developing this is quite striking, in terms of how much of an impact severe weather can have on physical, but also mental health. Physical is more obvious: cold weather and fuel poverty can lead, in the worst, cases to pneumonia for example; heatwaves can cause heatstroke and breathing difficulties; flood water can carry water-borne diseases; you could get struck by lightning or go arse over head on ice.

But the mental health effects are less well understood and, more importantly, less well discussed.  Whether it's less well discussed because of that lack of understanding or because of the stigma that we know still surrounds mental health I'm not sure, but it's certainly the reality.  So how can severe weather affect mental health, exactly?

- One of the direct ways is through Seasonal Affective Disorder.  At a conference I was at yesterday (one of the reasons that spurred me on to write this blog), SAD was mentioned for the first time at any sort of work event I've attended.  But this is a key condition that is affected directly by the weather.  Of course, it's not just about weather; it's also about the darker days.  This must be a horrible condition as it is purely cyclic and you know when it's coming.  I don't have SAD, but if anything I have the opposite!  

- There is also a direct link between physical and mental health.  In snowfall or icy conditions, for example, elderly people in particular are almost homebound.  They can't get out for fear of falling over. A friend of our family fell on some ice whilst walking to a non-gritted bus stop during one of those recent severe winters and were it not for one of our friendly bus drivers coming to the rescue he would have died.  Since then, once he'd fully recovered physically, he has come outside far less for fear of it happening again.  It has restricted his life much more, and when he does venture out he needs someone with him all the time for confidence.  This particular person is very much a positive person too; someone with perhaps even less initial confidence or someone who already had a mental health problem may have really struggled after just this one incident.  Winters now are almost a no-go.

- The knock-on effect of being homebound of course is loneliness.  The gentleman I mention above is still living with his wife, but many people in their 80s are widowers.  Such people rely on going out and about to socialise, and when the weather prevents this with whatever severe conditions it throws up, it can have a debilitating effect on a person's life.  They become lonely and depressed very quickly, which is a sad way to conclude a life.

- Flooding, something we've seen a lot of over the last few years, is something that can have an adverse effect on anyone's mental health.  If someone's home gets flooded it can cause thousands of pounds worth of damage.  It then takes a long time to get back to normal and it also becomes more difficult to sell your home, especially in areas where it floods frequently.  The strain that this can put the residents under can be exceptional and needless to say this can lead to significant mental health problems especially in the longer-term, namely depression and anxiety.  You would always be on edge that it was going to happen again.  This could be especially heightened if you have a family to support.

- Fuel poverty, as mentioned above, isn't directly affected by the weather. Fuel poverty comes about via an accumulation of problems resulting in a lack of money to pay for heating.  But of course, it is exacerbated in cold weather and can cause months of misery - and yes, again, depression and anxiety - for those people worst affected.  In a More Economically Developed Country as were are, no-one should really have to choose between heating and eating, but that is the reality.  And the mental health effects of striving to do this must be telling.

This list isn't exhaustive, and needless to say any physical effects as a result of severe weather impacts can impact negatively on mental health, particularly if it affects you or a carer severely or frequently.  My argument is that, I'm no expert on health at all, and yet even I have identified through my work that there are numerous effects that severe weather can have on mental health, so more should be being done.  Some organisations, such as the Joseph Rowntree Foundation, are doing more on this but the problem is only likely to get worse.  With an ageing population and climate change increasing the amount of severe weather events we get, more research needs to go into the effect that weather events have on mental health, and more importantly more efforts needs to go into helping people in these situations.  It will only become worse otherwise.

Tackling this specific issue is only a small percentage of my role; maybe there needs to be more roles that focus on this fulltime?

Best wishes
Al