As one of my earlier blogs detailed, my most recent 'very dark' spell came about following a trip on the train to Cornwall in March 2011. To save you reading through the full details, basically I had a massive panic attack on the (in the end) 9 hour train journey back from Falmouth to Stafford, which persisted until the following morning. In total, I think I was in what I called a 'panic state' for about 15 hours.
Following this, everything that required me venturing outside of the walls of my home was difficult for a long time. I'm glad to say that now, in comparison, this condition has vastly improved.
However, certain things still throw me back into the 'what if' way of thinking, and back to that horrendous experience a year and a half ago. Perhaps not surprisingly, one thing that particularly does this is train journeys.
I don't drive, which means I rely on public transport to get anywhere that isn't Stafford, particularly for work. I've survived journeys to Stoke, Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool and even London and the underground since the Cornwall incident, but it took a long time and a lot of what seemed like over-analysis to get me able to travel distances again.
What I mean by over-analysis is twofold:
1) Ensuring I know exactly what train to catch there and back, and if relevant where my seats are booked.
2) Ensuring I have, as train announcers would tell you, everything with me. I'm not entirely sure how you're meant to take 'everything with you when leaving the train,' particularly if you take it literally, but anyway. What I mean by everything includes anything that may 'help' me in times of need. For example, plenty of water, soap (to make sure my OCD tendencies are fulfilled), food/sugar, music, magazine/paper/book, even an mp3 player complete with mindfulness exercises.
It can take a long time to prepare for a train journey as a consequence of doing all of this, but I find it helps. Even if it looks ridiculous, or seems ridiculous, if you know you've got things that may help in the onset of a panic attack, you're less likely to have one in the first place. Stands to reason I suppose.
Of course, objects on their own won't change things. This is where CBT comes in of course, but in some ways it's simply over-analysing 'what's the worse that could happen.' For example, when I had to go to London (Westminster to be exact; sounds more important that it was, trust me), I simply thought, "OK, the worst that could happen is that I have a panic attack. So for goodness sake just go home if that manifests. Don't worry about 'oh dear what will they think of me if I don't show up' etc, just do what needs to be done." This (as I call it) 'hard rationalisation' could again make you more relaxed about the whole situation.
(OK, the worst that could happen is a slow painful death, but lets not be too over-analytical...)
Consequently, one should not label any of this as 'over-analysis.' It should simply be sensible organisation. I say this because I used to think people would notice that I had 'over-analysed' and judge me for it. Then I realised that whoever did notice this clearly has nothing better to do.
But, of course, none of this is easy when you're doing it to completely alter a catastrophic thought process.
The purpose of writing about this now is that in September, I appear to be going all over the place. I have two trips in two consecutive days to Birmingham, another trip to London (St. James's Park this time) and a trip to Borth in Wales. This forms part of a holiday which, ARRGH, three nights away from Stafford! How dare I leave this midland bubble for a taste of the Welsh riviera?!
It's about time I tested this disorder once and for all. Maybe I can turn it into an 'order' instead.
Best wishes
Al
Tuesday 28 August 2012
Tuesday 21 August 2012
Food for Thought... Or Thoughts about Food
I’m a little bit obsessed with food. By that, I don’t mean I do nothing but eat, but I’m obsessed with when I eat and what I eat. It doesn’t always stop me from eating stuff that’s bad for me, but still. This general food obsession is probably little surprise, given my health anxiety and also the OCD tendencies that I mentioned on a previous blog.
But I think much of my ways with food have come about from my upbringing. My mother, bless her, has always been somewhat over-protective about how much I’m eating and moreover, when I lived at home, dinner was always at the same time. I remember once my dad apologising once for dinner being made for 5:51 instead of the conventional 5:45. I told him not to worry, although made a joke that I had nearly died from malnutrition.
Consequently, dinner time has never really been a relaxing affair, and instead has been rather fraught over the years. And any diversion from this routine almost puts my body into shock, especially when you do factor in the health anxiety.
So this dictatorship in my upbringing, if you will, may have resulted in my main problem that I have with food, and that is, eating it anywhere other than at home. Or more specifically, eating it when I feel under pressure to eat it. Food, for me, has always been something that you have to do, rather than something to enjoy. If you had the choice as to whether you could eat or not, I believe that the vast majority of people would still choose to eat. I, on the other hand, would not.
My main ‘fear’ about eating out is about people around me noticing that I’m not eating whatever it is in front of me. It’s one of those really annoying vicious circles that anxiety is incredible at developing. It’s like a circular reference, for those of you familiar with Microsoft Excel:
Various factors make me struggle to eat out
|
I struggle to eat
|
I worry that people are noticing I’m struggling to eat
|
I struggle to eat more due to rise in anxiety
...and so the circle is exacerbated until I basically eat nothing, the food goes cold and the waiter whisks my plate away from in front of my nose.
Various circumstances dictate how bad this is. The number of people I’m with, who I’m with, where I am, what I’m eating (or not), the number of people generally in the restaurant, external environmental circumstances such as temperature, how tight my trousers are (seriously)... and just generally how I’m feeling from a physical perspective.
So what exactly happens? Regardless of the final outcome, I’m nervous about a meal out for several days beforehand, and it can be on my mind for months if it’s planned a long way in advance. Then, in the worst case scenario, I struggle in the painful bit between arriving at the restaurant and the meal being served with trying to keep it together, trying not to make the person/people I’m with notice that all is not well. It’s like trying to stave off a panic attack.
Then, when the meal arrives, it takes me ages to eat every mouthful. My mouth has gone dry, so I try and rectify this by drinking something in between, which, unless it is water, isn’t very effective. I struggle to breathe too; obviously, breathing deeply can help alleviate anxious periods, but when you’re mouth is occupied by eating and your nose is occupied by sinus problems (another factor to throw into the mix), then this is obviously difficult.
I basically over-notice how much the people I’m with have eaten in comparison to me – surprise surprise, usually much more – and then that makes it more difficult. It varies, but I usually get through about a third to half of a meal before I have to cease.
Unfortunately, the easy option was avoidance, which of course meant that my social satisfaction was reduced. I explained the situation as best as I could to my friends who I did eat out with and they understood to the point where we only went out for a drink instead of for tea, but it’s depressing when there’s a meal, such as a work do, from which I have to excuse myself.
Somehow I have managed to avoid eating out, bar the odd picnic and buffet, for about eight months. I’m in too deep to rectify this problem with one successful meal at a restaurant though now; it would take months of eating out 3-4 nights a week to overcome this totally absurd and ridiculous fear.
But then, that’s anxiety for you. I’m off to cook tea.
Best wishes
Al
Monday 13 August 2012
More PE = More Anxiety
During the Olympics, we have heard the likes of Boris Johnson and David Cameron saying that kids should be made to do more PE in schools than they do currently. Now, let me set the scene: I love sport, I think the success of the British team in the Olympics was fabulous and moreover, I'm rather obsessed with football, the watching and debating of which is one of my main hobbies. I love watching Wimbledon, I play pool (badly) on a social level and enjoy talking about sport with anyone who wishes to share their opinions.
But I'm terrible at playing sport.
Now, one could argue that, if I had done more PE in school, I'd have been better at sport than I am. But I don't think so. I may have been an immature pre-teen at the start of high school, but by then I knew I was cack at sport and I had no interest in attempting to rectify the situation.
I recall, even as early as year 5 in primary school, my teacher saying in her annual report 'Alan's talents are better served elsewhere than on the PE field or in the gym.' So despite our youth and our 'still to occur' development, I knew (as did others) that I was shocking at sport.
For me, PE made me anxious. Having to go out on the rugby field (our school was obsessed with rugby) in the rain, sleet or hail (yes it did hail once... we just carried on hooking all the way through it), freezing my extremities off and getting the rise taken out of me everytime I made a mistake (aka everytime I touched the ball) was a horrendous experience, especially when you throw in a PE teacher who had all the encouragement of an unforgiving meteorite and the intelligence of an inflatable dinghy.
I remember having two kinds of anxiety: one because I hated the other, better skilled pupils venting their frustration at my lack of ability. And two, because of how the harsh conditions that affected my body (cold, mainly)... i.e. being overly preoccupied with how I was feeling physically.
If only I knew then that that was the early onset of health anxiety...
I hated it, and moreover, it hated me. Rugby was the worst, but swimming, gymnastics, hockey, cricket... all the same. Even basketball was a waste of time, and that's considering I'm 6 foot 4 and as well built as a flagpole. The more I did PE, the worse I got, because my confident was shot. And of course, the worst that made my anxiety.
Is it about exercise or competition? If the former, then whilst the other sporty guys go and play rugby, I'll go for a 3 mile walk. I'd have wanted more PE then, I love walking and it would give me a darn sight more exercise than standing there freezing my knackers off not playing rugby. But no, as always, everything has to be a competition. 'Competition is good for you' they say; OK yes to an extent, but take someone who is garbage at something and who has anxiety, and get them to compete with others who aren't and who don't, and that just causes pain.
More exercise in school is a good idea. More PE, if that encompasses the competition element of things, is not necessarily. As I said, despite my youth, I and everyone else knew I was useless at PE, so what a waste of time it would have been for me to do more of it.
And maybe my schooldays would have been less anxious if I had have done less of it... The benefit of hindsight...
Best wishes
Al
But I'm terrible at playing sport.
Now, one could argue that, if I had done more PE in school, I'd have been better at sport than I am. But I don't think so. I may have been an immature pre-teen at the start of high school, but by then I knew I was cack at sport and I had no interest in attempting to rectify the situation.
I recall, even as early as year 5 in primary school, my teacher saying in her annual report 'Alan's talents are better served elsewhere than on the PE field or in the gym.' So despite our youth and our 'still to occur' development, I knew (as did others) that I was shocking at sport.
For me, PE made me anxious. Having to go out on the rugby field (our school was obsessed with rugby) in the rain, sleet or hail (yes it did hail once... we just carried on hooking all the way through it), freezing my extremities off and getting the rise taken out of me everytime I made a mistake (aka everytime I touched the ball) was a horrendous experience, especially when you throw in a PE teacher who had all the encouragement of an unforgiving meteorite and the intelligence of an inflatable dinghy.
I remember having two kinds of anxiety: one because I hated the other, better skilled pupils venting their frustration at my lack of ability. And two, because of how the harsh conditions that affected my body (cold, mainly)... i.e. being overly preoccupied with how I was feeling physically.
If only I knew then that that was the early onset of health anxiety...
I hated it, and moreover, it hated me. Rugby was the worst, but swimming, gymnastics, hockey, cricket... all the same. Even basketball was a waste of time, and that's considering I'm 6 foot 4 and as well built as a flagpole. The more I did PE, the worse I got, because my confident was shot. And of course, the worst that made my anxiety.
Is it about exercise or competition? If the former, then whilst the other sporty guys go and play rugby, I'll go for a 3 mile walk. I'd have wanted more PE then, I love walking and it would give me a darn sight more exercise than standing there freezing my knackers off not playing rugby. But no, as always, everything has to be a competition. 'Competition is good for you' they say; OK yes to an extent, but take someone who is garbage at something and who has anxiety, and get them to compete with others who aren't and who don't, and that just causes pain.
More exercise in school is a good idea. More PE, if that encompasses the competition element of things, is not necessarily. As I said, despite my youth, I and everyone else knew I was useless at PE, so what a waste of time it would have been for me to do more of it.
And maybe my schooldays would have been less anxious if I had have done less of it... The benefit of hindsight...
Best wishes
Al
Thursday 9 August 2012
Should I Stop the Mindful Routine?
I won't go into what mindfulness is and how it has helped me again; I've already written a blog about it. Things have changed since I wrote this though...
...whilst I still like the concept of mindfulness and believe it could be very useful when you're in a state of anxiety, I have recently ceased to practise it daily. This initially started in the last heatwave (did you blink? you may have missed it), when I was struggling to get sleep.
It wasn't just the heat that was stopping me from sleeping though, it was a painfully annoying thought repetition process that went something like:
'Ah, I'm falling asleep.'
[I've now noticed I'm falling asleep]
[I wake up again]
OVER AND OVER AGAIN. At this time, I vowed not to practise mindfulness until I had started to sleep better and this insanely annoying pattern receded. Why? Largely because I didn't want to manipulate my thought patterns any more than I was doing already... maybe not the right thing to do but I felt more comfortable as a result. You could argue that trying to focus on something other than this irritating thought pattern would be the ideal thing to do, but trust me, I tried and failed miserably. Practising mindfulness at night just stresses me out more, because it doesn't seem to work.
It was also coming to pass that when I sat and practised my mindfulness of sound, breathing, body or whatever, I was either falling asleep (ironic, huh?) or simply finding it very difficult to focus on the object in question, normally because I had things I needed to do at the time that if I didn't note down I'd forget to do by the time I finished the practise. It ended up taking up time with little reward.
So I've now stopped this daily practise, after well over a year of dedication to the cause. I think it could be a useful tool, as I said at the start, in certain circumstances and I now know enough about it and experience of it to use it when it may come in handy. But I think the rigorous regime was proving too much, especially when you consider that I have health anxiety and severe sinus problems, rendering mindfulness of the body and breathing fairly challenging...
I feel guilty for stopping of course. Has it had some sort of effect on me that I do not realise? Is it more than just about tool for my toolbox? Time will tell I suppose. For others who have been offered it and who have practised it, I'd been keen to hear of your successes or otherwise. For me now, I'm just going to put it away for when I might really need it.
Best wishes
Al
...whilst I still like the concept of mindfulness and believe it could be very useful when you're in a state of anxiety, I have recently ceased to practise it daily. This initially started in the last heatwave (did you blink? you may have missed it), when I was struggling to get sleep.
It wasn't just the heat that was stopping me from sleeping though, it was a painfully annoying thought repetition process that went something like:
'Ah, I'm falling asleep.'
[I've now noticed I'm falling asleep]
[I wake up again]
OVER AND OVER AGAIN. At this time, I vowed not to practise mindfulness until I had started to sleep better and this insanely annoying pattern receded. Why? Largely because I didn't want to manipulate my thought patterns any more than I was doing already... maybe not the right thing to do but I felt more comfortable as a result. You could argue that trying to focus on something other than this irritating thought pattern would be the ideal thing to do, but trust me, I tried and failed miserably. Practising mindfulness at night just stresses me out more, because it doesn't seem to work.
It was also coming to pass that when I sat and practised my mindfulness of sound, breathing, body or whatever, I was either falling asleep (ironic, huh?) or simply finding it very difficult to focus on the object in question, normally because I had things I needed to do at the time that if I didn't note down I'd forget to do by the time I finished the practise. It ended up taking up time with little reward.
So I've now stopped this daily practise, after well over a year of dedication to the cause. I think it could be a useful tool, as I said at the start, in certain circumstances and I now know enough about it and experience of it to use it when it may come in handy. But I think the rigorous regime was proving too much, especially when you consider that I have health anxiety and severe sinus problems, rendering mindfulness of the body and breathing fairly challenging...
I feel guilty for stopping of course. Has it had some sort of effect on me that I do not realise? Is it more than just about tool for my toolbox? Time will tell I suppose. For others who have been offered it and who have practised it, I'd been keen to hear of your successes or otherwise. For me now, I'm just going to put it away for when I might really need it.
Best wishes
Al
Tuesday 7 August 2012
I said I was lacking a spark...
...but this is ridiculous.
It's amazing how little things can mess with an anxious head. I came home from work today, plugged my laptop into the socket adapter as usual and BANG... severe bang and severe spark...
Rather than thinking 'oh damn what's happened to my laptop,' I was more concerned with whether I'd actually been electrically shocked, despite feeling nothing, and indeed whether an electrical fire was imminent. Before I'd plucked up courage to do anything, such as unplug appliances, after getting over the initial shock (emotional, not electrical) of the incident, I started deconstructing why I was frightened of this occurrence. Was it health anxiety, and a fear of somehow being electrically charged and having a belated electric shock? Possibly, but I think it was pure and raw negativity.
I was not only thinking of the worst case scenario, much of my thoughts were not even rational or justified. But then it dawned on me - having an anxiety condition is all very irrational. One is anxious about things that really do not need to be anxiety producing.
I'm sitting here now, using the laptop, about 2 hours after the incident occurred. It took me an hour to put everything back to the way it was. I'm still wary... I can feel my left arm, the one that was plugging in the laptop. I am over-noticing feelings in it, if that makes sense. This is nothing unusual given my fear of heart failure of course, but even still. And I keep thinking I can smell smoke.
It just shows how incredible the mind can be... and how irrational anxiety can make things.
Best wishes
Al
It's amazing how little things can mess with an anxious head. I came home from work today, plugged my laptop into the socket adapter as usual and BANG... severe bang and severe spark...
Rather than thinking 'oh damn what's happened to my laptop,' I was more concerned with whether I'd actually been electrically shocked, despite feeling nothing, and indeed whether an electrical fire was imminent. Before I'd plucked up courage to do anything, such as unplug appliances, after getting over the initial shock (emotional, not electrical) of the incident, I started deconstructing why I was frightened of this occurrence. Was it health anxiety, and a fear of somehow being electrically charged and having a belated electric shock? Possibly, but I think it was pure and raw negativity.
I was not only thinking of the worst case scenario, much of my thoughts were not even rational or justified. But then it dawned on me - having an anxiety condition is all very irrational. One is anxious about things that really do not need to be anxiety producing.
I'm sitting here now, using the laptop, about 2 hours after the incident occurred. It took me an hour to put everything back to the way it was. I'm still wary... I can feel my left arm, the one that was plugging in the laptop. I am over-noticing feelings in it, if that makes sense. This is nothing unusual given my fear of heart failure of course, but even still. And I keep thinking I can smell smoke.
It just shows how incredible the mind can be... and how irrational anxiety can make things.
Best wishes
Al
Thursday 2 August 2012
The day I taught my doctor about Anxiety UK
I had a doctors appointment yesterday; my repeat prescription slip for my beta blockers, used of course to try and keep away panic attacks, had that annoying warning message on it: "You must see your doctor so you can keep your repeats going, otherwise the men in white coats will come and take you away." Usual waste of time, I thought.
So I made an appointment, which I thought was going to go something along the lines of:
Dr: Hello.
Me: Hi
Dr: Terrible weather again!
Me: I know, typical British summer.
Dr: Yes. How can I help?
Me: My prescription is running out of repeats.
Dr: Oh, ok. I will update the system for you.
Me: Thanks
[Prints off new slip]
Me: Thanks
Dr: OK, bye.
Me: Bye.
Well worth an afternoon off work, I'm sure you'll agree. You know when you start talking about the weather you're in trouble, and that's considering part of my day job is to deal with impacts of weather.
However, I had forgotten that, in a previous appointment, I told my doctor that I was undertaking CBT via Anxiety UK. I think I wanted to keep him up to date even though I'm not totally convinced of his knowledge of mental health issues. He's not dismissive though, which I suppose is the main thing. Anyway, so instead of the above conversation, it went something like this.
Dr: Hello.
Me: Hi
Dr: Terrible weather again!
Me: I know, typical British summer.
Dr: Yes. How can I help?
Me: My prescription is running out of repeats.
Dr: Oh, ok. I will update the system for you.
[All rather familiar up to this point]
Dr: Have you finished the CBT sessions now?
Me: Oh...[surprised for a split second as I forgot I mentioned it]... yes a few weeks back.
Dr: How did they go?
Me: OK thanks, had getting on for 40 sessions and they have certainly helped me re-evaluate things and move on with my life.
Dr: That's great. Remind me where you got CBT from?
Me: Via the charity Anxiety UK.
Dr: Ah yes... What process do you have to go through?
[I then explained a bit about what I did, how Anxiety UK helped and the outcomes]
Dr: OK. I will have to do some research on Anxiety UK! It'll certainly be worth me bearing them in mind the next time I have a patient who comes to me with anxiety!
Me: Yes definitely!
[More conversation re medication, explained below]
Dr: Here's your repeat slip.
Me: Thanks. Bye.
Dr: Bye
Was that genuine interest expressed by an NHS doctor? I believe it was! He is a good doctor and a genuine person, so I hope that he is true to his word and does recommend Anxiety UK to others who are in a position to consider them an option.
The bigger picture from a personal point of view, is that we also agreed that I would begin reducing my medication dosage. I've been on the beta blockers for ages now, but I have come off them in the past so I'm looking to do the same again though. The health anxiety is starting to kick in of course, as I look for any bodily changes that may or may not occur... but I know it's something that I want and need to do. I'll let you know how it goes!
Best wishes
Al
So I made an appointment, which I thought was going to go something along the lines of:
Dr: Hello.
Me: Hi
Dr: Terrible weather again!
Me: I know, typical British summer.
Dr: Yes. How can I help?
Me: My prescription is running out of repeats.
Dr: Oh, ok. I will update the system for you.
Me: Thanks
[Prints off new slip]
Me: Thanks
Dr: OK, bye.
Me: Bye.
Well worth an afternoon off work, I'm sure you'll agree. You know when you start talking about the weather you're in trouble, and that's considering part of my day job is to deal with impacts of weather.
However, I had forgotten that, in a previous appointment, I told my doctor that I was undertaking CBT via Anxiety UK. I think I wanted to keep him up to date even though I'm not totally convinced of his knowledge of mental health issues. He's not dismissive though, which I suppose is the main thing. Anyway, so instead of the above conversation, it went something like this.
Dr: Hello.
Me: Hi
Dr: Terrible weather again!
Me: I know, typical British summer.
Dr: Yes. How can I help?
Me: My prescription is running out of repeats.
Dr: Oh, ok. I will update the system for you.
[All rather familiar up to this point]
Dr: Have you finished the CBT sessions now?
Me: Oh...[surprised for a split second as I forgot I mentioned it]... yes a few weeks back.
Dr: How did they go?
Me: OK thanks, had getting on for 40 sessions and they have certainly helped me re-evaluate things and move on with my life.
Dr: That's great. Remind me where you got CBT from?
Me: Via the charity Anxiety UK.
Dr: Ah yes... What process do you have to go through?
[I then explained a bit about what I did, how Anxiety UK helped and the outcomes]
Dr: OK. I will have to do some research on Anxiety UK! It'll certainly be worth me bearing them in mind the next time I have a patient who comes to me with anxiety!
Me: Yes definitely!
[More conversation re medication, explained below]
Dr: Here's your repeat slip.
Me: Thanks. Bye.
Dr: Bye
Was that genuine interest expressed by an NHS doctor? I believe it was! He is a good doctor and a genuine person, so I hope that he is true to his word and does recommend Anxiety UK to others who are in a position to consider them an option.
The bigger picture from a personal point of view, is that we also agreed that I would begin reducing my medication dosage. I've been on the beta blockers for ages now, but I have come off them in the past so I'm looking to do the same again though. The health anxiety is starting to kick in of course, as I look for any bodily changes that may or may not occur... but I know it's something that I want and need to do. I'll let you know how it goes!
Best wishes
Al
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