I'm publishing this on World Mental Health Day 2015 #WMHD2015 (more by luck than judgement!)
Needless to say, this website can become a platform on which to rant or be negative from time to time. It is only natural when I'm tackling a subject that has had a rather negative influence on my life, when all is said and done. The last few months have also thrown up some rather annoying challenges too, so I'm in the mood for a bit of a pick-me-up. So I thought it was about time I focused on the positives which, I hope, whilst writing will also make me realise that things are actually not that bad at all.
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| Possibly the least imaginative image on this website |
I'm starting from September 2005 and writing up to and including the present day. September 2005 was when I started University, and given recently I realised with utter disbelief that it has been ten years since that moment, I thought I'd mark the occasion with this blog. If all this isn't enough to prevent you from containing yourself, I'm going to do a top ten positive moments. So it's a ten in ten... Wow.
10) The relationship with my family has, if anything, strengthened.
This is partly due to me moving out of home in 2012 (see number 7, 3), partly simply a process of getting older and partly me becoming a less anxious being in the last few years. It's helped that I've been able to enjoy more things with my parents, e.g. meals out which I couldn't do not too long ago. Moving out has prevented their annoying ways seem less annoying because I can live largely in blissful ignorance around them. And I think my dad has mellowed as a person (slightly) since retiring. All of this has helped, and I now sometimes view seeing my parents as a social event rather than a chore. Sometimes...!
My only other family I see on any regularity - once every couple of months - is my nan, her son (my uncle) who has Williams Syndrome and my Aunt's son (my cousin) who has severe autism and was starved of oxygen at birth rendering him unable to talk. My aunt and my mum don't get on so she tends to stay away but she sends her son down - they live almost next door to each other. It's a very bizarre and difficult situation as you can imagine - one I haven't gone into in much detail on this blog - and one that selfishly concerns me in terms of what might happen in the future. But overall, my relationship with them has improved too, and my role in that family dysfunction is the person to come and generate a lighter mood - now that I am more able to do so.
Lesson: "Respect your parents; don't expect anyone else to support you" (Baz Luhrmann in the song 'Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen' from 2000 which I would recommend you listening to!)
9) I got a new job, still in an area of interest.
This relates closely to number 4, but it worth mentioning separately for three main reasons: 1) Igniting a significant change in the life of someone with chronic anxiety is always a risk and as number 4 shows I have managed to negotiate this fairly well. 2) I had to go to an interview in order to get this job. I had never done a formal interview before; the graduate scheme I talk about in number 4 was just an informal meeting and the interview for the job at the council I had for 5.5 years previous was with people I'd already been working with for 6 months, so didn't really count. So this was an altogether more daunting experience. I had to practice many of my CBT techniques - rationalisation, breathing, planning etc etc - in order to get through it relatively unscathed, but I must have done okay because they hired me! 3) My current job involves a one hour railway commute a day. Three+ years ago I could not have done this, especially after the worst incident of my life (see number 1). So being able to do this has also been hugely rewarding.
Lesson: CBT can significantly help with change and with difficult situations, like in this case an interview. I would certainly recommend it for anxiety "sufferers."
8) I have learnt to appreciate exercise and the outdoors more.
This may seem superfluous, but this is crucial and one that I am grateful for discovering. An Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty is practically on my doorstep. Even now that I live in the town centre, it's still only about 4 miles away, which for someone who loves walking and walks at a relative 900 mph, doesn't take me that long to get there. As I type this, I've just got in from a walk with a friend at said area. I ensure that I go for a good walk at least once a week, get away from the town and walk in the beautiful surroundings that I'm lucky to be near to. It honestly does calm your mind and takes you away from reality for a while, as well as, of course, being great for you physically. I don't run or take part in competitive sports - doing PE as a lanky teenager at high school traumatised me and put pay to ever doing anything like that - but for anyone with anxiety I would strongly recommend walking to stimulate peace.
I've also been going swimming for nearly seven years. I nearly had to give this up when I was going through my lowest spell in 2011, as doing such exercise raised my heart rate which prompted me to have a panic attack, but I stuck with it and now I couldn't live without going swimming twice a week. It's logistically a pain, because I have to go out of my way and get up at 6am to cram it in before my commute to work, but it's worth it, again for the exercise but also for the hilarious people - and now friends - I have met there. And again, it's something I can do at my own pace without any pressure.
Lesson: Walk. Anywhere.
7) I bought a house.
This is the most recent of the achievements listed here, having only occurred in June just gone. Buying a house hadn't even crossed my mind four years ago. A year ago I was beginning to consider it, but never would have thought it would have actually happened a year on. My circumstances are fortunate, in that one of my good friends lives with me and, although he is away a fair bit, I am now more comfortable in my own company, something which my shared house experiences have allowed me to do (see number 3). I was also lucky to find a place which couldn't be much more ideal, location or quality wise - and that I live in a town where house prices are not extortionate. Despite the hassle that buying brings, it is very much worth it, and I'd certainly recommend it to someone who is in the fortunate position to buy.
Lesson: Don't think that buying a house has to just be something couples do either, because it doesn't.
6) I have been running a blog for over four years and have made some great Twitter friends.
This may seem like another superfluous moment, but I'm glad I developed this website. It started in June 2012, just two months after I'd moved into my first shared house (see 3). I felt that I was in a position where I wanted to share with anyone who would listen about my experiences with both anxiety itself and the therapy I had received. I didn't necessarily expect I'd still be writing blogs well over three years later, but I'm glad to have maintained it. It isn't recognised by anyone in particular but if just a handful of people have got something from it over the years then I'm happy.
Twitter, which I first set myself up on probably about 12-18 months ago, has also been a success, especially in terms of connecting with other people who have been through anxiety, other mental health conditions and experiences a heck of a lot worse than myself. It's been great to get to know people out there who know what it's all about. You feel like you are part of a community and a help network which is there when you need it - even though I have not, and am not likely to, meet anyone from this virtual world. Yes, social media also has a lot to answer for in actually exacerbating mental health conditions too these days, so it's not all great. But from my perspective, and not taking Twitter too seriously, it has been a great way of sharing, learning, venting (occasionally of course) and helping other people.
Lesson: It's good to talk, especially when people are there to listen.
5) I obtained a degree from University
There were times, whilst at University, that I didn't think I'd be able to finish the course, let alone achieve a good degree mark. And yet, thanks to a more stable and thus enjoyable third year, I managed to pull round what were relatively poor marks in the first and second years into a good mark by the end. Even though there was a shed load more work in the third year, my anxiety gave me a rest compared to the previous two, and I was able to focus more, whilst enjoying more social occasions. As I mentioned, this in itself is an achievement, and then to graduate with a good grade was the cherry on the cake. I laughed at two years of anxiety hell during University, and I vividly remember saying to myself just after receiving my results, on the way back to the train station to go home: "in your face anxiety." It was a good feeling.
Lesson: Difficult one, but I guess 'stick at it.' Ultimately that's what I did because I was scared of quitting.
4) I became a full time employee in an area of interest.
Because of the recession and austerity, there has been some difficulty for young people in the last few years to even get a job, let alone one in a field that they enjoy or that was in some way related to their degree. As far as work is concerned, I've got lucky. An unpaid graduate placement, which started me off in June 2008, I only noticed being advertised because a University lecturer flagged it to me specifically. I had a head start on any other graduates who may have seen it later on. This then led to my job at the council which I was at for nearly 5.5 years. And this gave me the experience to apply and get my current job, which I will have been doing for two years in January (see 9).
Work has been a success for me from an anxiety perspective. Apart from in 2011, when I was going through proper hell, it has been the one thing that hasn't made me particularly anxious, contrary to many people's experience. Moreover, I have been lucky enough to work with a good bunch of people throughout each job, by and large. Incidentally, there is still much to do in terms of tackling workplace mental health stigma. I didn't tell my old employer about my anxiety problems until I almost collapsed on the floor because of it one time, and then I didn't have a choice. I've never told my current employer. There is still work to be done on this so it is par for the course to reveal all.
Lesson: Work stress is obviously less if you're working in an area of interest. I had to work for 7 months without pay to get where I am now... so it can be worth persisting, as long as you can afford to take the temporary financial hit.
3) I have successfully negotiated two shared house situations.
Again, this is something I couldn't have done before CBT (see number 1). My first shared house experience started in 2012, just as I was coming to the end of my 50 sessions of CBT therapy. It meant that I started off with a helping hand via my therapist, who guided me through the change. Then when we finished, I still had the CBT techniques fresh in my mind which helped me get through it. This first shared house experience wasn't good - 10 months of living with strange (at best), unclean people in a likewise house, with my friend only there every so often due to his career keeping him away. There were a lot of lonely nights, and had I done this prior to my therapy I doubt I could have hacked 10 months of it. I also had the balls to move out and back to my parents' house after 10 months, which seemed like a step backwards but was definitely the right move at the time. The good thing was, I knew that there were better shared house experiences out there.
Sure enough, in September 2013, I moved on again and into another shared house. This was an altogether much better experience, but provided new challenges for someone with anxiety - social interaction! I have social anxiety and have had it for as long as I can remember, so sharing a house with friendly and sociable people was a fantastic opportunity, but a daunting one. It was all about getting the balance right between having enough time on my own and to do things my own way, but embracing the other people where I could. I was lucky because, along with my close friend, we met two other great people who we got on with very well. So much so that I stayed there quite happy until May 2015, just before I bought and moved into my own place (see 7). It was the right time to move; the great people I'd met were also moving on and I started needing (and valuing) my own space more and more, so I knew I had to move. But overall it was a good experience in both social terms, and in terms of strengthening me as a person more generally. Even the first 10-month experience achieved this to some extent.
Lesson: After my first bad experience and before my second good experience, I spent ages looking at different shared houses to ensure I picked the right one. If you're thinking of living in as shared house, I strongly recommend spending the time looking for which one feels most comfortable, whatever that means for you. Try and meet the existing housemates if you can.
2) I have maintained a core group of very good friends.
This is so important. Five of this core group of friends to which I allude I have known for a long time, including since 1991 (yes, when we were four), 1998 (x2), 2001 and 2003 i.e. since school. Others I've known since University days (2008) and there is one I met at work in 2012 along with other top people from my old workplace who I still meet from time to time. My new work colleagues (2014) are a recent source of consistency too, and they are all great people. Then there are others who I've meant in less typical circumstances, such as university lecturers and bus passengers, many of whom I've known for many years and would still class as friends. Others have come and gone but there has always been an underlying consistency of my friendship group which I am delighted to have maintained. I don't know how I would have coped without them, both from a 'coping with mental health' perspective and just generally, and long may these wonderful relationships continue.
Lesson: Value your friendships. Simple as.
1) I got the help I needed.
This has to be number one, because without it, many of the other top ten entries would not have been possible. Not only that, but other things people take for granted, such as eating out and catching the train, still wouldn't be possible either without the help I got through CBT back in 2011-12. As I've blogged about 6 million times before, in 2011 I experienced my worst ever panic attack which lasted 14 hours and started whilst on a train journey back from Cornwall. This was the worst moment of my life. But it turned out, ultimately, to be the best, because I knew from this point that I had to seek help and properly this time. No half measures. And via Anxiety UK, that's exactly what happened, with a therapist based in Glasgow, via webcam. Fifty sessions of CBT later, along with time, and I have become a much stronger human being, able to actually do things and live some kind of life. OK, so anxiety has battered parts of me, prevented me from living most of my life how I'd like. Destroyed some elements of my confidence. And it will always be there, lingering to some extent. But if you'd said to me in 2011 that, four years later I'd be where I am now, having achieved many of the things on this list, I wouldn't have believed you.
Lesson: I don't think I need to include a lesson for this one. Think it's quite obvious!
This blog isn't to boast about my achievements. Far from it, and if it has come across that way I apologise. What I hope it does do is twofold: 1) Shows how therapy really can help a chronic anxiety sufferer come through the other side, and 2) show what can be achieved in the face of utter desperation and give those of you currently where I was in 2011 some hope.
Best wishes
Al
