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| Barca - one of the better 'holiday' experiences |
Anyway,
I have blogged numerous times on this website, which is nearing two and a half years old now, about how my chronic anxiety condition has affected many things in my life that most other people who have grown up with a similar background to me take for granted - and holidays are one of these. There aren't too many people who I know who don't go on holiday at least once a year - they manage to find a way to do it even in times of austerity. And of course, these days, you hear all about it due to the various social networking platforms that people can shout about it - or brag - on. This doesn't help with the pressure and the horrible sinking feeling you have that you've missed out on some incredible trips around the world to swim with dolphins, experience the Big Apple or even have a jolly to Skegness.
Lesson 1: Try and ignore this element of the social media phenomenon. If people keep posting things about their wonderful lives, hide future posts from them.
Holidays are supposed to be adventurous, relaxing, exciting and something to look forward to. I will start by saying that I have managed to go on a holiday in each of the last three years, each time to Welsh Coast, with a very good friend of mine. Although I'd love to explore some other countries, I doubt there would be many places that would beat this for scenery and serenity. The Welsh coast is an incredible place to go and stay and is one of the few places I've come across that I can actually at least partially relax for a while.
Lesson 2: Don't feel that a holiday in the country that you live is not a holiday, or feel belittled by people who negatively compare such holidays to ones abroad.
This achievement of going to Wales - and it is an achievement, as this blog (and others) will explain - is something I certainly don't take at all for granted, and I'm grateful for the rail link for existing that far out into the sticks and for my friend for joining me. Without him, such trips would probably not happen. But the fact remains that there are still plenty of places that I wish I could go, or could have gone to, but that I fear that the elation of visiting such a place would be sadly outweighed by the mental strain I would have to put myself through both before, during and potentially a long time afterwards.
I mean for goodness sake, my worst panic attack in history happened following a one night trip to somewhere in the same country, so what chance would I have going abroad somewhere for a week or more?
But why do holidays in particular cause me so much distress?
Well it all started in 1996 (I've blogged about the incident before). In summary, I was on holiday with my parents (I was 8-9 years old at the time) when I experienced my first panic attack, that I remember at least. This kind of set a precedent, and I remember vividly the year after going somewhere else and having more panic attacks. My parents were taken aback by this occurrence the first time let alone the second, but of course they still wanted to go on holiday. So the following year, 1998, they brought my best friend along as well, which worked. Believe it or not, every holiday I went on, usually once a year, occasionally twice, my best friend came with me - all the way up to 2005. Obviously it was great that my best mate came with me and we always had a great laugh and generally a relaxing time. Anxiety made some fleeting appearances, usually in the evenings after I'd gone to bed, but rarely caused me any persistent problems. My friend was the distraction I needed.
Lesson 3: If you can bring a 'safe' friend with you on a family holiday, do so - anything to relieve the pressure.
It did mean, however, that the first time I went away without him would be a test - and this came in 2008. Now, this wasn't a holiday, but a fieldtrip with my University course. For the purposes of this blog it's the same thing, as it involves a trip away to uncertain climes and with no best friend in tow this time. And not including Ireland and Guernsey, it was the first time I'd been abroad - Barcelona awaited. Fortunately - and I mean that as I'm not sure if I can assign the reason for this to anything in particular - I was going through a reasonable spell at this particular juncture of my life. Apart from the past year or two, Late 2007 to March 2011 was probably the best time for me anxiety-wise. Sure things were difficult, but the panic had become a lot less and my main problem at this point was eating out.
Consequently, Barca was tolerable. Eating was a problem, and I didn't eat much for the 6 days we were there, but the pressure was less because other people I was with didn't agree with the food either. I think what also helped was the fact that we were kept so busy with work that this kept my mind off ruminations. By this point, I'd also made a few decent friends, a couple of whom were within the 'safe' category, which obviously helped me get by. Don't get me wrong, I was on edge most of the time and the odd social occasion we did get was spoilt by a lack of confidence that I didn't suffer from as badly when discussing work matters, but still, overall it could have been a lot worse.
A quick word on flying - I don't have a fear of flying. However, I do have anxiety, so I have a fear of most things - flying being one of them. It's just not the same reason most people 'fear' flying.
Sadly, trips subsequent to Barcelona have been few and far between and those that I have been on haven't gone so well. Take a short, three night trip to the Lake District in 2009, for example. Ironically, this trip was made with my friend who I mentioned came with us all those times between 1998 and 2005. The main problem on this particular trip was also primarily about eating; we were staying in a B&B, and the first morning we sat down to breakfast and I had to leave the table otherwise a panic attack would have occurred. I can't stomach much at breakfast anyway and the woman serving was one of those who felt she had to comment on what people ordered etc. So needless to say what I did order I couldn't eat and the spiralling feeling of panic just got worse as breakfast time unfolded. And despite this, I still tried to go down and eat on each of the subsequent two mornings, because that's what anxiety does - it makes you stubborn, and think you should be able to do something that everyone else takes for granted, despite the pain you are forced to go through.
Lesson 4: Try not to worry what other people will 'think' if you go against what is seen as 'normal' practice - e.g. going down for breakfast at a B&B.
This led to an anxious break full stop, thinking of the next time I would have to eat - or not. I vividly remember being able to eat fine when we stopped for lunch - at a service station on the way back. It was the relief of getting out of unfamiliar circumstances and out of a pressure scenario. But this food thing, whatever type of anxiety it really is, has more of an effect than it sounds via the written word.
Lesson 5: In parallel with lesson 4, don't feel forced into doing things that are uncomfortable, even if it goes against what is 'expected of you' on a holiday.
And I think this is the problem. There is pressure on a holiday to do specific things and to enjoy yourself all the time. There is pressure to have large breakfasts, relax on a beach, eat posh food. Some people can switch into 'holiday mode' quite easily; for people with anxiety a holiday can merely be a path towards a week of misery.
For me, it all came to a head of course in March 2011. I won't go into it again, but this had all the ingredients for a disaster, in hindsight. Alone; longest train journey ever; B&B and food pressure; potentially making a decision that affected my long-term future... etc. Even smaller things like being too hot given the unseasonable weather (it was 22 degrees in March) didn't help. Again, this wasn't a holiday as such, but the same pressures came about. As it is, I probably needed that incident to turn my life around, but I still had to go through well over a year of hell subsequently.
Going to Wales, like I have in autumn 2012, 2013 and 2014, has been a success. I've been with a 'safe' person, been self-catering and done things I want to do, like walking. It's not been a total relaxation-fest, but nothing is for me, so to say I got through it would be seen as a success. I'm shortly (next week) going on a pre-Christmas trip which involves staying in a B&B, so this will be a challenge - but one I need to embrace. I need to ensure that I can do something as straightforward as stay in a catered for accommodation and survive. I need to do things my way and not bow to pressure. I'll be sure to report back how it goes.
Best wishes
Al
