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See I'm waffling. It's because I've been struck down by an inability to talk to someone, or ask someone, something because of years of a chronic lack of confidence that I blame, rightly or wrongly, on anxiety. It could, of course, be the other way round (lack of confidence causing anxiety) or a bit of both, but I've gone into this debate before and don't wish to again. The answer is almost irrelevant anyway, the lack of confidence I have is reality either way.
Anyway, without spelling it out, when I say I have an inability to ask someone SOMETHING, I think you know what I mean. But this is different to anything I've felt before. I'm being driven insane (metaphorical and thus ironic use of the word, just to clarify) by this particular someone and for the first time ever - literally - I can say that I am expressing feelings like I never have before. Sure, I have felt certain things for certain people before, but I was too young the last time I did for it to be 'real,' and regardless, the feelings aren't a strong as they are now.
The first issue is, I don't know enough about this someone. Is this someone even with someone else? I've found out things about this person that contradict, but there again it's never outright stated that she (ok it's a she, just in case you were wondering... well with my name let’s face it, you'd be wondering) is not with someone else. I've tried probing (verbally), as such:
'What did you get up to at the weekend?' "I went to the cinema and saw X. It was really good..." etc etc
WHO WITH??
"I've just bought a puppy!"
'Oh yeah' [shows photo] 'Aw he's a cutie! Who looks after him when you're at work then?!'
"Well my uncle pops in from time to time to check on him."
BUT WOULD YOU BE GETTING A PUPPY ON YOUR OWN??
'Do you have a flat then?'
"No, a house."
WHAT, ON YOUR OWN??
"I went to Barcelona on holiday, it was amazing!"
WHO WITH??
JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING WILL YOU PLEASE??!! Any ounce of information will do. By the way she talks, the way she acts, and the fact she hasn't mentioned anyone else, it suggests that she isn't with someone else, but the facts above aren't necessarily backing this up. In my mind, if I ask her outright if she's with someone else, I would be making it obvious as to why. How do I find out what I need to know without making it blindingly obvious why?
The problem is, if I did find out there wasn't anyone else, I'm not convinced that would make it much easier to actually take the next step. As I mentioned, years of chronic anxiety have left me not only with the inability to deal with these situations, but I also have a chronic belief in myself that anyone could possibly like me. Perhaps that is why I'm sitting here tonight feeling gut-wrenchingly heart-broken for someone I never even had. I'm also scared of rejection, which I appreciate is more of a normal thing, but there's normal scared then there's 17 years of anxiety scared. A different ballpark, as those who know what having anxiety is like. There is also a comparatively minor implication with regards to work; it's not as if we work for the same company, but I work with her on various things (how I met her in the first place) and if I balls this up it could have negative implications for work and make it harder. This alone wouldn't stop me from taking that step, but it doesn't help.
I write this blog in a quite light hearted way, but actually, this is eating me up inside. I fear for my future. I fear that I am going to let potentially the most amazing opportunity pass me by just because of the sickness that anxiety has caused me over the years. Similarly, if I ever do take that step, the fear of rejection could just set me back even further.
As much as being single isn't something I enjoy, being single and ignorant - i.e. not liking someone - was a heck of a lot easier. As for now, well I don't know what happens next.
Best wishes
Al
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