The Confidence Issue

I have alluded to this numerous times on this website over the past 2+ years and perhaps unsurprisingly, a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem often go hand in hand with chronic anxiety conditions.  My confidence in certain situations is still so low, usually on a social scale and unfortunately in this day and age I am surrounded by a whirlwind of high self-confidence and almost arrogance that people unashamedly display.  People love talking about themselves and of course social media has become a platform on which to do this to an even bigger audience.

Fairly accurate

People actually think we care about things happening in their lives. Some people do, true friends maybe (if this isn't a dying concept), but such true friends would surely know about their engagement, their new house or their pregnancy anyway.  Because, therefore, there are so many platforms on which to showcase your lives, and because as a nation we seem to be getting more confident and self-absorbed anyway (or maybe that's just my impression), people whose confidence has been ravaged, like mine, become even more distant from the rest of society - thus making your confidence even lower. Even I Tweet and post the odd Facebook status about my life - even though I know no-one gives a crap.

So yes, people love talking about themselves.  They enjoy saying what hobbies they have, what they are into, what their personal statuses are in terms of relationships, for example.  Unfortunately, I've been surrounded by many people who have seemingly done a lot with their lives - they've been on many holidays, stag dos (I can't think of anything worse personally), skiing in the Alps, elephant riding in the Galapagos Islands (this probably isn't a thing but you get my point).  Most of the people my sort of age come from fairly privileged backgrounds, so they have had the financial support to do such things.  And of course there's their almost compulsory tales of drunken times at University and how much fun they had.  Whilst some of us wasted two years battling serious anxiety.

So they can naturally be more confident because they have more things to brag about.  Slightly harsh maybe, but that's how it comes across if you're someone who would like to have travelled and be in a blossoming relationship, but who haven't had the opportunity because your confidence or ability to travel or sustain a relationship has been disrupted, at best.

And yes I won't deny some (some - not all) of people's tales can be interesting or entertaining, genuinely.  But in the end tales of their fabulously adventurous lives have longer-term 'I'm wasting my life' connotations with someone like me who hasn't done many of these things.  Don't get me wrong, many of the things people talk about I wouldn't want to do, but it would have been nice to have had the option.

Even though my anxiety is now much more stable than at most periods in the past, a) certain things I would still find difficult and b) these historical periods have made things more difficult to execute now I'm older.  University experience, for example, has been and gone.  Developing a relationship (see last but one blog) becomes more difficult the older you get, by anyone's admission.  

And whether it's because of social media or just a generational shift change I don't know, but people these days just seem to be more confident, more cocky and want to dominate conversations.  

I also despise the role of alcohol in all of this.  Why is it that social events are automatically not good if alcohol is not involved?  People feel that they have to get drunk to have a good time.  Again, alcohol and me haven't been friends in the past (causing fast heart rate, etc) and so I can't tell as many tales, or indeed brag, about my wonderfully drunken nights in the past.  Get over yourselves.

Okay, so this has turned into a bit of a rant, which surprisingly was not my initial intention.  My point is this - I don't feel comfortable talking about myself. If people ask me how my day was, or what I'm up to at the weekend, I feel embarrassed by telling them if it doesn't involve copious amounts of alcohol or if it involves enjoying a long walk or watching football.  I'm quite happy doing that, but I almost feel like I'm being judged by not doing something that is perceived by society as more 'interesting.'  Even from a work perspective, people don't hesitate in telling me what they have done at work.  I don't mind this, I find it interesting;  but when people ask me I find it hard to tell them in an interesting way, so I end up saying that my day was just OK and thus my day's appraisal gets swallowed up by everyone else's.  People also have the uncanny ability to make it so that if you don't like the things they are into, you're weird.  Again, I refer to skiing, skydiving, drinking excessively, taking crack and so on.  Why?  But nevertheless, this 'shoot you down' attitude further lowers the confidence of someone like me.

I've had a long-term debate with myself as to whether a lack of confidence causes anxiety or anxiety causes a lack of confidence.  I think now it's a bit of both; I feel uncomfortable in social situations which makes me anxious for example.  Conversely, having anxiety and its preventative nature means I have less to talk about and that makes me less confident in social situations.  It's not a very nice spiral.  

As my last but one blog showed, I have a chronic lack of self-esteem and confidence in many situations still today.  Just the thought of anyone being interested in anything I have to say is not a concept I can accept, and yet most people are totally the opposite.  My ability to approach certain uncomfortable situations is shockingly poor.  Years of anxiety have led to a potential perception that I am boring.  Moreover, certain things that I do that I love (e.g. walking, listening to trance music etc) people think is boring.  So why would I want to talk to them about it?

There are a select few people who, yes, might talk about themselves and their interests but who also show as much of an interest in you, and ask you questions that are thoughtful but that don't go too far.  But generally, I feel as someone with chronic issues around this, that I am being more and more swamped and drowned by an ever increasing population of over-confident beings.

Best wishes
Al