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| Harlech Castle |
Anyway, the holiday before last, to Borth, came in the middle of my torrid time at my first shared house. At this point, I'd have gone away and stayed in a Norwegian brothel full of horny, rampaging camels to get a break from my shared house, so in some ways the nervousness of going away for the first time in years was balanced out by this, making the experience easier. The hardest part of holidaying back in 2012 was the train journey, perhaps unsurprisingly given what had happened 18 months prior. The second holiday last year came when I'd just moved into this new shared house and was experiencing early transitional difficulties, but in the end the holiday helped me to clear my mind and work through my issues, so again the purpose of this outweighed the anxieties around staying in Wales.
This year, the living situation was less of an issue but I still wasn't nervous about going on holiday, which I think emphasises that I have strengthened a little. Granted, it was still a comfortable location with a person I feel 'safe' with, but even still, I can look upon this as an achievement. However, Harlech did something dangerous - it gave me time to think about things. My health anxiety started kicking in by the end, because the unfortunately reality of my life is that if I have time without work, i.e. less day to day things on my mind, the gaps get infiltrated with rubbish, namely health anxiety. But apart from that, the break was much needed and also gave me time to think about where my life is (also not always a good thing!)
I live in a relatively small town in the Midlands. It's a perfectly reasonable place to live and it is certainly home to me, mainly thanks to the people. But as I get older, I'm increasingly thinking that the quiet, peaceful life is for me. I've always suspected it, for example by going on holiday to small, rural places like Harlech and enjoying the surroundings, but now even more so. I'm getting more and more pissed off with people who haven't necessarily done anything to purposely annoy me, and I feel I need my own space a lot more. I think I'm also appreciating the countryside even more than I used to, and that's considering I've always had a fondness for it, but more and more I want my own space, peace and to slow things down and do things in my own time.
So does all this mean I'm going to up sticks and move to Wales? Sadly not; not least because such a huge change could be ravaged by an even greater transitional anxiety. Moreover, what on earth would I do for work? Plus then there's the people issue. To contradict everything I've just written about, I still need people's company quite often, otherwise the negative thoughts that dwell when there's less to occupy my mind kick off. So what I'm really saying is that I need both more space and just as much interaction with people. That's an interesting concept.
Of course, one solution to this would be to find myself in a flourishing relationship, with someone you are comfortable spending time with and who you enjoy the company of. But relationships like this happen in cuddly books, it seems. So my challenge is to find other means to try and achieve the best of both worlds, at least to begin with. Live with a good friend and no-one else, and stay in my home town, at least for now. That way, it's a change, I live with someone I like but not with loads of people who, like them or not, mean I have to sit in my box-sized room just to escape the chaos. Basically, I've become a proper 'settling down' adult about ten years too early.
To come back to when I first moved out in April 2012; even six months before this there is no way that I could have moved away from home. So, despite the ultimately bad experience, to do this was an achievement. To move back home in January 2013 took strength of character, because I had to take a backwards step to move forward when it would have been easier to plough on. To move out again into a more socially-aesthetical house and a much better place overall in September 2013 took more courage, and this potential next step will too.
But here is the crux of the matter - the real reason I want my own space and peace more. The last 13.5 months of living in this house has taught me that greater social exposure does not necessarily lead to a gradual reduction in social anxiety. This is especially true in situations where you're with other people who are naturally over-confident and who like talking about themselves (see last blog, point 4), and in social situations like meals out etc. If anything, I think I'm less confident in front of such people now than I have ever been. This bothers me of course, but the good news is that I've learnt to embrace this by enjoying my own time more. Again, it's back to that balance and getting it right. To be fair, my job gives me enough good interaction with other people, but it's the evenings and weekends that are most difficult to get right - when there's almost a pressure to socialise and be perceived as interesting in this modern world.
I suppose what this rather brain-dump of a blog suggests is that I've learnt that someone with social anxiety and anxiety in general often has to tread very carefully when it comes to doing anything that could involve other people, particularly people you don't know. You also have to think very carefully about how taking big steps in your life could affect you. I would love my next next step, perhaps in a few years, to be to move to somewhere like Harlech, because it would give me that tranquillity that I so crave that I just don't get in 'normal' life, even in a (relatively) small Midlands town. I think this environment is calling me, but I need to be in the right head-space - with the right people - to ever achieve this.
Perhaps this could be my long-term goal?
Best wishes
Al
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