I started University in September 2005. I decided to stay at home, which probably isn't too surprising as someone who had been suffering with anxiety throughout my entire schooling life. I purposely looked for a University I could commute to from home and managed to find a course that I wanted to do which was only a bus ride to the station from my house and then a 20 minute train journey to the campus with a short walk the other end.
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| Uni bar - nights of social turmoil |
At this point I must say that I do not regret doing this. From an academic point of view, I really enjoyed doing the course and since then, through both my previous and current jobs, I still take on placements every year from the department that I did my course at, so I go up to the campus every now and then and catch up with the lecturers. Not only was the University close to home, the classes were quite small throughout the three years (no more than 35), all of the lecturers with a couple of exceptions were very pleasant and approachable and because of the class size they got to know you as a person as well as your academic strengths. They were as concerned with your own personal development as much as they were with their own research etc. So all of this meant it was a lot less overwhelming than it may have been if I'd have moved away, or had lectures with 150 people. At that time I would have struggled to cope with that.
Lesson 1: Don't be ashamed to live at home during University. For some people with anxiety, it might just be the difference between being able to go to University or not.
This is more of a personal opinion, but it's relevant to this argument - I hate this belief that certain universities are better than others. Better in what respect? At all the so-called 'top' Universities, none of the lecturers or even tutors know the students and lectures are with hundreds of people. I hate the negative reputation former polytechnics have. Yes, 'top' Universities may be great for some, but the sort of University I went to are perfect for many others - like myself.
Lesson 2: Don't be pressured into going to a so-called 'better' University if it is not right for you.
Anyway, despite this start, I was still struggling a little bit particularly from a social perspective. I had met two friends, one of whom I happened to meet on the first train journey up as she was also commuting from my home town. They were both very nice, but the problem I had over the first few weeks is that they were trying to get me involved in attending out of hours clubs etc. At the time, I just didn't have the confidence to do this and I always ended up running off after lectures to get the next available train back to Stafford. I was scared of making a fool of myself or coming across as boring. And remember, I didn't have any confidence; the two people I'd met both had reasonable confidence in themselves and therefore in social situations. I didn't.
Lesson 3: Using University to learn your subject is as important as learning to be more confident socially, especially if you have social anxiety.
We also went on a weekend fieldtrip after only a couple of weeks. I remember on the coach journey there that I was close to quitting. It hadn't been a disaster but I felt low because my only friends were making me uncomfortable in social situations and at that point nothing else was good enough for me to continue coming. But the aim of this fieldtrip, by the department's own admission, was to allow people to get to know each other, and it worked quite well for me as I got to know a couple of other people who I hadn't really come across in the previous couple of weeks. People who were also quiet and clearly not the most confident in the world. My main problem on this trip was with eating; eating out, or indeed anywhere that wasn't 'home,' has been a huge problem for me over the years. I don't remember people questioning it, perhaps because it was just a bit too early for people to ask things like that if they noticed - which I'm sure they did. But overall this trip was a success and gave me more people to latch on to subsequently.
Lesson 4: Don't quit too early even if it's hard to start with.
So I continued to catch the train in the morning, go to lectures, eat lunch occasionally at my friends hall of residence - uncomfortably - and got the first available train home. My confidence socially didn't really improve on the simple basis that I didn't do anything socially - because I didn't have the confidence.
And whilst all this was going on, I was still suffering with panic attacks. Generally these were less frequent than when I was at school but generally followed the same pattern - I went to bed and then had a panic attack. Needless to say it exhausted me.
So overall, the positives of my first year were meeting the few people I did meet, having a relatively successful year academically and not completely falling apart. Negatives of course were me being totally left behind by everyone else from a social perspective and my general anxiety that I had been suffering for a long time prior, which almost didn't have anything to do with University. Uni was a means to an end for me at this point.
Sadly, after a long a dull summer, the second year got worse. It was around the start of the second year that I started to get a severe bout of what I think was a form of OCD or Pure-O. Basically, I had a song stuck in my head which I couldn't get out. I kept coming back to it and it was just driving me to despair. I remember having exams around just before Christmas 2006 and barely being able to concentrate because of my mind looping. I've never really blogged about this for fear of it triggering it, but it was a really awful time. And then, at the height of this ridiculousness, a close friend of the family suddenly passed away. Selfishly, this actually gave me the impetus to do something about my problems and just before Christmas 2006 I saw a therapist at the University. I didn't help in the slightest, but at least I made the effort to do something. My Pure-O problem, if that is indeed what it was, gradually dissipated and I remember the last part of the second year being a little better.
Lesson 5: Get help if it's available and speak to your lecturers if you get on with them - something I wish I'd done.
But overall, needless to say with all this going on. second year was basically a write off. I just about managed to do the actual course - I was averaging a 2:2 - let alone do more socialising or improve my confidence. And just as things did start to improve, it was time for the long, lonely summer break again.
I'm pleased to say, third year was better. My "Pure-O" was far less prominent, my panic attacks were happening less often and I was able to socialise a little bit more, having made about five or six friends from the course who I now felt more comfortable with. I enjoyed spending more time on the campus and actually made the effort to stay behind for a drink or a chat after lectures. For most people, this is something that is taken for granted when at University, but for me I just enjoyed the fact that I felt relatively comfortable and was able to enjoy the company of people I liked. Although sounding contradictory, having more work in the third year was also okay, because a) I enjoyed the modules more, b) there were no exams and they used to affect my anxiety really badly and c) I think socialising more actually helped me to enjoy the work more too. Don't get me wrong, I still had problems with:
- Eating out
- Drinking enough alcohol for it to be deemed acceptable at University level (peer pressure)
- Speaking to new people
- Presentations
- Pure O issue still lingering in the background
- A few panic attacks at times...
...but overall third year was much better and I enjoyed many days of it.
Lesson 6: Many people judge how good their University social experiences are by how much alcohol is involved. You may want to judge it differently.
How did I cope day to day? Well, running off to get the earliest possible train for one. Not a strategy I should have taken but it felt like the only option at times. Stick with people I'd made 'safe' was another. Little things like bringing my own lunch with me from home helped too.
In terms of the bigger picture, along with that one therapy session I mentioned from the University, I also registered for NHS therapy in July 2006 - and got seen in August 2007. The less said about that the better. But the whole three years of University was all before I really knew anything about my condition and why I had it. Critically it was also before I had learnt any tools to deal with it. Consequently even when I went through the odd spell with less Pure-O or less panic etc, it was still a nervous time and socially I was cast aside and swept into the ether. Only the third year allowed me to even slightly experience the sort of University experience that I wanted. Part of me wishes I could go back there and do things differently; moreover part of me wishes I could go through the experience again today. Another part of me is glad it's all over.
I suppose my words of wisdom based on my experiences of living with anxiety at University are as follows: try and embrace social situations and stay close to those people you warm to. It may be difficult - those with social anxiety will know what I mean - but it will make the whole experience richer in the end and you'll be more able to cope with other anxiety-related conditions that may be troubling you. It's the power of people again - something to this day I still need to work on.
Best wishes
Al
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