Five Blogs of Thanks - 5th Anniversary of The Anxiety Tracker - Conventional Friends

Hi all,

Today is the fifth anniversary of The Anxiety Tracker.  I set this site up in good faith on 15 June 2012 and I am surprised by my own admission that I have kept it going since, with approximately one blog post every month.  If it has helped or influenced just one person over the years, I will be satisfied. Moreover, if you’d have said to me five years ago that I would be in exactly the place I actually am now, I wouldn’t have believed you (see matrix on first blog of this series). 

I have saved who I would deem the most important ‘group’ of people to thank in this final blog in the Five Blogs of Thanks series: my friends. I mean the ‘conventional’ friends (see last blog!) who are also, anyway, my ‘best’ friends out of everyone that has supported me. 

I could get a little emotional here.

Because I have such a small family that is not local and most of whom I am not particularly close to, and because I am an only child, I have always relied on friends for company, laughter and to share things with.  My friends dragged me through school years quite frankly. I was the nobody, the coward, the quiet one, the wimp.  I was actually going through chronic anxiety which was largely the reason for that, but ultimately I had no confidence whatsoever and having a network of close friends kept me going. It was a small, close-knit network, but for me it worked.

I owe a lot to three of my friends in particular.  One I met in 1991, yes when we were four, and we are still great friends today, 26 years on. I am going to be best man at his wedding soon (which I am told is a good barometer for measuring extent of friendship in people our age these days). He moved away from where I lived in 1999, first year of high school; our maintained friendship proves our strength but also emphasises why I owe a huge amount of gratitude to two other people I met at the very start of high school who, again, I am still close to today.

These gentlemen saw me at my worst.  Largely, until we got older and I knew what was going on, this wasn’t attributed to anxiety; I was just ‘different to everyone else.’ But despite my moods and various other issues, these guys stuck by me and remained people I could trust and laugh with. And that is the balance I have managed to strike with most of my friends; I know I can act utterly stupid with all of them, laugh wildly and play ridiculous card games – but the next minute talk openly about mental health.  It works.

With a couple of exceptions, all of my closest friends I met at school. I don’t know if this is normal, but that is the reality for me. I would say I have seven close friends within my network, which to me feels perfect. Enough to maintain the social interaction one needs when one is single and a lone sibling with a tiny family. But not too much to overwhelm, to potentially throw me into more socially anxious situations. I could not be more comfortable with all of these people; they accept me for who I am.  It is obvious I am socially awkward, it isn’t normal to be single come (nearly) 30, I don’t necessarily like the stereotypical things other guys do. But they don’t care. So many seem to.

It is easy to say, as I do often, “I don’t know where I would have been without X.” Quite honestly, when it comes to my friends, I genuinely do not know where I’d be. They have dragged me through hard, nigh-on impossible times – either knowingly or unknowingly – and continue to do so. They have done this by lighting up the room when I need a pick up, or by talking frankly, openly and honestly to me when it’s needed. They have been there for support when otherwise I would have had none.

I admit that I have become reliant on my friends to pull me through difficult times. I don’t think they quite know how reliant and I just hope that at no point have I come across as being too reliant. But ultimately that’s the reality; without them sticking by me my life would have contained a huge empty hole that, no doubt, would have filled with anxiety.

If you’re one of the people I’m referring to in this post, you know who you are.  Thank you, for just about everything.

And thank you to anyone who has read these Five Blogs of Thanks or, indeed, any of the 128 posts before them. You’re all great.

Here’s to another five years.

😃

Best wishes,
Al

Five Blogs of Thanks - 5th Anniversary of The Anxiety Tracker - Introduction

Hi all,

If you had said to me five years ago that I would set up a blog and still be writing posts in five years’ time, I would not have believed you.  Mainly because things like blogs often don’t have longevity without gaining financial incentive but also because there was a significant chance that I could have had a nervous breakdown at some point during that five years rendering me unable to write blogs or anything else for that matter.

So I feel it is an occasion to mark and I am going to do this in the form of five blogs starting tomorrow and posted each day until the anniversary on 15 June.  They will each thank five different ‘groups’ of people, people without whom I wouldn’t be able to write this today, people to whom I owe a huge amount of debt and gratitude for what they have given me, knowingly or unknowingly over the years.  Each of the five categories has been deliberately and carefully chosen so to encompass as many of the people I can that have contributed to my stability from crippling anxiety. This hadn’t long left me back on 15 June 2012, but now it is buried much deeper, allowing me to live a more fulfilling life, albeit not without its anxiety and non-anxiety related challenges.

The fact is, without the influence of these other people, I dread to think where I would be.

This blog is the introduction to this series and to set the scene.  Where was I five years ago and where am I now?

Date	15 June 2012	15 June 2017
Age	3 days away from my 25th birthday	3 days away from my 30th birthday
Living situation	One month into my first ever house-share situation; only just moved out of my parents’ home	Two years owning a home having shared two different houses for about 2.5 years previously
Job	Four years into my job at a local authority	Three and a half years into my job with a charity
Education	Four years since graduating	Nine years since graduating
Relationship status	Single	Single
Therapy	Days after finishing fifty sessions of CBT	None since the aforementioned CBT concluding five years prior
Friends	Several still living in Stafford	As aforementioned, with friendships even stronger if anything
Family	Not close with any except parents	As aforementioned; mum has recently been diagnosed with dementia
No. blog posts	0	134 (assuming I post these six as planned!)
Anxiety level (/10)	6, ranging from 5 to 9	3, ranging from 2 to 6
Overall happiness (/10)	3, ranging from 1 to 5	6, ranging from 5 to 8

I appreciate that I am writing this five days in advance of the comparison, but unless I suddenly find the girl of my dreams, get sacked and as a consequence my home becomes repossessed this side of Thursday, I can be fairly confident that what I have put here will still be the case.  What this shows is some definite improvements which, okay, may come naturally with age. But aside perhaps from the relationship status, everything else that has changed has come as a surprise in the past, as indeed has not requiring any more therapy. I never thought after finishing those CBT sessions that ‘that would be it’ – of course, it may yet not be.

You can read through my blogs for more context but at that I will leave it for now.  All it remains for me to write by way of an introduction is twofold:

What are my top five most read blogs in the past five years?

1.       Moving on… again (22 May 2015)

2.       The New Job (19 January 2014)

3.       Zzzzzz… (5 July 2015)

4.       Anxiety@ The Shared House (8 March 2015)

5.       The Confidence Issue (27 July 2014)

I wish to also draw your attention to some of my favourite blogs and series:

The Seven Steps to Stability series (May 2014)

Guest blog about arachnophobia (July 2014)

The Anxiety@ series (starting with this one) (November 2014 – March 2015)

My (constructive) rant about social media (November 2016)

My plea to government about mental health in schools (January 2017)

And finally, as I’ve said, the next five blogs, one to be posted each day up to and including Thursday, the fifth anniversary of this blog, will thank those people that made me jump from a 3 to a 6 out of 10 for happiness and fall from a 6 to a 3 in terms of anxiety in those five years. 

Thank you ALL!

Best wishes,

Al

Five Blogs of Thanks - 5th Anniversary of The Anxiety Tracker - Non-Conventional Friends

Hi all,

I am a fan of categorisation and lists, as any regular followers of this blog may have gathered. In thinking of how to categorise these Five Blogs of Thanks, I wanted to dedicate a blog to those people who I class as ‘other than conventional friends’ (by ‘conventional friends’ I mean friends of a similar age who I’ve met through more typical means, such as school, work or university) and also recognise the impact my family has had on me.  I couldn’t separate them, so this blog attempts to thank both ‘categories’ of people; although in a way, I guess you could also count my family as ‘non-conventional friends’ as well!

I think it’s reasonable to say, even in a day and age of political correctness and my above-average awareness of how important it is not to stigmatise mental health problems, that I am not normal. What this has meant is that I have had the fortune of meeting people who I probably wouldn’t have met had I been immersed in what a ‘normal’ person’s life of someone with my background would look like. 

A good example is that over the years I have made many friends with people who either caught or drove local buses (before the government cut all the routes).  I don’t know anyone else who doesn’t class themselves as a bus fanatic or spotter who has developed such relationships.  Most of my conventional friends drive, for a start, and those that have caught buses used them for their intended purpose – to go somewhere.  But the relationship and banter I chalked up over the years through a combination of frequent bus usage, seeing the same people all the time and finding myself more comfortable talking to people aged 80 rather than my own age due to a lack of confidence allowed me to get on really well with some of the bus-related people. 

I mentioned in yesterday’s blog how I have known several people who have helped me with my anxiety condition without them realising it – bus folk are another example. I never talked about things as personal as my mental health condition to them and yet their presence and chats made travelling easier, especially important during periods when travelling was extremely difficult. Another example are people I’ve met through swimming, which by the way I would advocate for anyone who has a mental health problem. They are hilarious and make the experience a lot more pleasurable as a result. And they don’t judge me.

I also mentioned yesterday the impact that a university lecturer had on my career.  But it wasn’t just him – my university and course specialised in nurturing and caring for their students, as much as research and general lecturing and as such it was easier to gain a strong relationship with them. Then there was my greater comfort of conversing with people older than me again. So despite university being rather difficult at times, the lecturers made it much better than it would have otherwise been – again, without them knowing about my anxiety problems.

And then there is my family.  A group of people that you would think would know all about my anxiety problems. Think again. My parents know what I’ve had to tell them; after the 2011 meltdown that I keep going on about, I had no choice but to explain how bad things were. But even then I sugared things slightly and to this day they have no idea of how much pain I was in, how long for and most critically how much anxiety has hampered my life.  My dad is a typical 1950s born ‘I never talk about emotions’ type person and my mum would simply get too upset if I told her how bad things really were, pressure which would only have made things worse for me and, cyclically, for her.  So I spent large parts of my hellish experience going through it alone, with occasional support from friends when I was at my wits end. It’s how I felt it had to be and I stand by that.

I have never been too close to my wider family either; for a start they are not located just up the road.  My dad’s side I hardly ever see (which I can confirm is for the best…) and of the four people remaining on my mum’s side, two of them are disabled and the other two care for said disabled people, so burdening them with my own problems was never an option in my eyes.

However, despite all of this, my family have helped me get through anxiety. It wasn’t my parents’ fault that I kept a lot from them and when I did tell them things, they were as supportive as they knew how to be.  An example was when, after the 2011 debacle, my dad offered me lifts to the CBT sessions; this wasn’t relevant in the end as I opted for webcam therapy, but the offer was there. I must have worried them and as such I thank them for keeping strong (externally) and, of course, for being good parents in several other ways. 

On my mum’s side of the family, my aunt, who cares for my cousin, hasn’t spoken to my mum for at least ten years for reasons largely unknown. I never see her and on the surface of it she is, as that side of the family would say, a ‘funny bugger.’ (The whole set up in that half of the family is beyond bizarre by the way, but that’s for another time). However, despite this, she has provided me with some inspiration. Regardless of her cold personality, she has no doubt done an incredible job at bringing up a child who was deprived of oxygen at birth and who has severe autism, who cannot speak, who is prone to violent tantrums and who cannot control urinal or bowel movements. I have drawn inspiration from her; ‘if she can deal with that situation day to day, I really ought to get a grip and sort my anxiety out.’ 

I am not privileged to have a large, functional family but I can still admire them for dealing with difficult times and thank them for standing by me and doing their best to bring me up well. I now intend on returning the favour as we embark on new challenges.

• To the ‘other than conventional friends’ for not casting me aside for being different, thank you.
• To my family who have inspired and supported me (when I’ve let them), thank you.
• To my parents who will always support me despite going through their own challenges, thank you.

Best wishes,

Al

It's time to say farewell

Hi all,

The first blog I wrote on this, The Anxiety Tracker website, was on 15 June 2012. A fairly significant 2,307 days (thank you Google) later, I have decided to bring my regular blogging days to an end. This is not a decision to have taken lightly.

However, two main factors have contributed to this decision:

The crap images go right to the wire

1) Lack of time. I am increasingly busy with a combination of work, domestic tasks and support to my family that some things are going to start to have to give, and sadly this is one of them. I obviously need to ensure that I don't juggle too many plates, as I am more susceptible to one crashing if I do, leading probably to several other crashing at the same time. In other words, anxiety coming back with a vengeance.

2) Running out of meaningful material. Six years and four months is a long time and apparently I have written 149 blog posts in that time. So this will make it a round 150, which is a nice number to end on. I only just realised this!! I have plenty of things I could still write about, but most of them are things I have written about before or rants about things leading to poorly constructed nonsense that frankly would probably do more harm than good to anyone reading it. I also don't want to repeat topics that I have written about before too often.

I feel sad, because setting up this site and writing these blogs I count as part of my recovery from chronic anxiety. I think back to blog one and back then it was only a year or so since I had a major mental breakdown on a train back from Cornwall. Anxiety, panic and distress all rolled into one 14-hour hell hole. 

But the posts quite quickly became resources that others experiencing mental health problems also found useful, which is great - but also why I don't want to continue writing if I have nothing useful to write about. 

I will be keeping this website live - I have no reason to close it - so I hope people still find the posts useful. Most of them will still apply in several years let alone now, so they can still be used as a resource for people to delve into, hopefully. I will also be continuing to tweet of course, on my @AnxietyTracker account. I also hope that the forthcoming anxiety and OCD-focused podcast, I've Been Thinking, that I am co-producing will also eventually be launched. Again a lack of time is proving to be a block for both of us at present, but it's still going to happen. Keep an eye on the I've Been Thinking twitter account for details.

I cannot quite believe how far I have come in these 2,307 days. Living in two shared houses, buying a house, progressing in my job, becoming a secondary carer, maintaining an incredible group of friends, able to eat out, travelled on my own to several places, been abroad three times etc... all things I wouldn't have thought fathomable back in 2012. Whilst some of these are material things, they are all symbols of how I have managed to improve my mental health during that time. Sure, things can still be difficult and stressful, but not to the point where I become an anxious shambles which causes me much pain and renders me useless and a burden to everyone else around me. I need to work very hard every day to ensure this doesn't happen, that I don't slip back into old ways - but somehow, however I do it is still working.

There are so many people to thank during this time - most of them I blogged about when I wrote the 'Five Blogs of Thanks' series last year, so I won't repeat them here. But a specific mention has to go to my therapist, without whom I dread to think where I would be now. Along with this series, below I have recommended to you what I think are my five perhaps most perceptive posts I have written over the years (in chronological order):

• Seven Steps to Stability Series for Mental Health Awareness Week 2014
• The vivid description of my aforementioned meltdown in 2011
• My opinion on the impact of social media on mental health
• A plea to government on how to integrate mental health awareness in schools
• An insight into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy based on my experiences

I have also purposely waited until another imminent #WorldMentalHealthDay is upon us to close this blogging chapter of my life. I wanted to say that I in constant awe at some of the work that charities in the UK do to support people with mental health problems - Anxiety UK, Mind, Mental Health Foundation, Samaritans to name but four - and even more impressively, the work of individuals who have taken tackling mental health stigma by the scruff of the neck all off their own back, often with incredible results. You are all an inspiration to me and millions of other worldwide and this movement, as I call it, can be summed up by the #WorldMentalHealthDay initiative. Together, we have created something special.

And I hope that this something special will, at last, be properly listened to. Influencing those who make decisions continues to be like trying to get blood out of a stone, but chinks of light are starting to appear. I don't doubt that the movement I describe above is the main - if not only - reason for this light.

Finally, if you're in deep distress and pain and have ended up reading this or any other posts on this site - and indeed other blogs from other people - but are still unsure of where to turn, please talk to someone. Anyone. This could be me via Twitter, a friend or relative of yours, one of the aforementioned charities, your GP or someone totally random. Talking is the first step to recovery.  

You are not alone, and never will be. And it's this togetherness that gives me great comfort every single day.

Forever best wishes,

Al

I've Been Thinking...

Hi all,

I have been writing blogs for this website for nearly six years. That is a long, long time hey? I published a series of blogs last year to mark the fifth anniversary, 'Five Blogs of Thanks,' to emphasise what and who has helped me over that time, to go largely from an anxious mess into a less anxious mess.

What do you mean, the quality of
the images is getting worse?

Goodness knows what I'll do on the tenth anniversary. Organise a rave music themed orgy for all anxious people across the world, most probably. Keep an eye out for your invitation in early 2022.

Anyway, I have a friend (I know, write the front page) who has been with me on my anxiety journey (don't you hate people who use the word 'journey' in this context? I'm so sorry) my entire life. We met in 1991, when we were four, and I began to show anxiety symptoms in about 1997, although he probably didn't know about it until a few years after that.

Meantime, my friend has more recently been going through the clutches of OCD. I haven't focused too much on OCD on this site, largely due to the fact that I have never been officially diagnosed with OCD* and because my experience of it, albeit worthy of note, is nothing compared to what my friend has been through in recent years. My friend, being the fool that he is, sought advice from me, in terms of where to turn for help and what to expect from this help (i.e. how to identify if it is actually CBT you're getting!) - this was a few years back now. He has since made excellent progress and is in a much better place with it now, albeit, by his own admission, still with having plenty of work to do.

*I've never officially been diagnosed with anxiety either, but I don't need a weatherman to tell me when it's peeing down.**
**Line from Only Fools and Horses.

About a year ago, my friend came up with a sterling idea of raising awareness of our respective conditions. I said I already write my blogs, but he meant raising awareness together, as a pair, in the form of a conversation. I was intrigued and he explained to me about the idea of a recording a podcast and publishing it online so people could listen to us talk about our experiences with anxiety and OCD respectively.

I could see this working - some people prefer listening instead of reading for a start. Plus it would deal with two main mental health issues, not just one. But how would it work?

Well I'm here to tell you, ladies and gents, that recording a podcast is by no means glamorous. I believe our first recording was compiled using a microphone that we especially had to order for something like £17 from Amazon, into my PC using a basic editing programme that I don't even have a valid licence for.***

***It's on a trial period. I'm not doing anything illegally.

I also believe that we were balancing the laptop on a chest of drawers in a bedroom at my friend's house, the only room in the house where the dog couldn't get in and cause havoc, with the microphone propped up away from the window so that it didn't pick up any outside traffic noises. In another episode, I threw water all over the laptop and microphone and during another, the dog chewed off part of one of the dining room chairs. We have more outtakes than podcast, so far.

I digress. Not only did my friend have the idea of developing the podcast in the first place, but he also had the creative nous to think about the format of each episode - which, in the main, is in the form of a conversation. So in one episode, I will ask the questions about OCD and he will respond and in another, he will ask the questions about anxiety. Each episode will focus on different aspects of each condition too - in fact, let me share with you some of the (working) titles of episodes we have both recorded and are yet to record:

What's our beef? Setting the scene
Leaving the house: it's a marathon not a sprint
Anxiety at school: learning the hard way
It's not all about the books being in size order (but it is)

You get the idea. 

So why are we bothering with this? Mainly because we recognise that there is still stigma surrounding mental health and because we want to do our bit to help tackle this huge problem. Yes it has improved, but still people who have mental health issues are subjected to stigma, demoralisation, less opportunities and even abuse - all of which fuels their mental health problem even more. We want people to know that they can talk about it, how and who to. 

This blog website, which I set up in 2012 for largely the same reasons, is all very well, but we feel that a podcast - i.e. two people actually talking and being in conversation - will resonate more closely with people than lines on a screen like this can. Two people, also largely focusing on two different (albeit connected) mental health problems also means we double the number of people who can learn directly from our experiences. Plus, blogs are so last year - podcasts, I'm told, are now where it's at. You can tell I'm an expert.

And the cross-cutting theme on all podcasts is this: talking helps. It is true that the first, second and even third person you open up to about your feelings and mental health problems may not understand or empathise, or you may even get attacked by some of the casual stigma you hear all too often. But eventually you'll find the right person - a friend, family member, therapist or a total stranger. 

And those strangers could be us. We haven't published any episodes of I've Been Thinking yet and it may be a while before we do (resources and time are things we have little of) but we're open for business. You can follow us on Twitter @_beenthinking or email us at been_thinking@hotmail.com if you'd like to ask us any questions or advice.

But as you'll hear us say numerous times on each episode - we are not professionals (well, not on this issue anyway. We pretend to be professional in our day to day careers). They can be found in the charities such OCD UK and Anxiety UK, along with many others. But we can signpost you to help and support at the very least. So feel free to get in touch.

And - we'd very much welcome an episode of our podcast to feature a guest - so if you'd like to talk about anxiety, OCD, depression or any other mental health problem and feature in one episode, do get in touch via the details above. You can help to contribute to our aim to shut those people up who still stigmatise people with mental health conditions.

Best wishes,
Al

Five Blogs of Thanks - 5th Anniversary of The Anxiety Tracker - The Professionals

Hi all,

I think it would be short-sighted of me to start anywhere other than the professionals. No, I don’t mean the 70s TV series, I mean the anxiety and mental health professionals that actually helped me turn my life from a chaotic nonsense to something worth living for.

I had spent several years trying to find someone who calls themselves ‘a professional.’  I had gone to the public, private and even university sector to try and get the help I needed and, although maybe not realising it at the time, I didn’t get anything other delays, dolphin noises and relaxation techniques, quite frankly.  I don’t hold a huge amount of blame on the shoulders of the therapists, as I know they must see hundreds of people every week; everyone reading this knows it’s the system is absolute garbage. But none of the therapists I saw helped me which I think was rather unfortunate, given that I have since discovered that my condition isn’t actually that rare, so to not find therapy for about 13 years after I first started showing symptoms of anxiety, despite several attempts, was unacceptable really.

Alas, the biggest irony of my anxiety rollercoaster is that the only successful therapy came after I had my biggest ever meltdown, on that train back from Cornwall in March 2011.  I had no choice but to peruse Dr. Google at that stage and it actually worked; I stumbled across Anxiety UK, a charity that actually understood me!  I read some of their literature and I remember thinking ‘THIS IS ME, THIS IS ME!! AFTER NIGH ON 13 YEARS I HAVE FINALLY FOUND PEOPLE WHO DON’T THINK I’M A ****ING WEIRDO!!’  It was liberating – albeit I was probably having a panic attack at the time.

When I saw their therapy offer…

• CBT
• Flexible number of sessions
• Via webcam if necessary
• Relatively cheap, all things considered

…I was even more excited, to the point of raising my heart rate and having another panic attack.  But I plucked up the courage to call and within two weeks I had my first appointment with a therapist via webcam. She was in Glasgow, I was in Stafford. According to Dr. Google, who apparently is also good at geography, there is 262 miles between the two locations.  I couldn’t leave the house at the time and with an absence of an Anxiety UK therapist in Stafford this was the next best thing.

For the first time, I’d like to name this therapist who, after 50 (yes, fifty) sessions of (actual) CBT got me back on track (I was never on track to begin with): Veronica Macdiarmid, thank you.  How on earth you managed to get that website URL, I will never know.

I have blogged several times about CBT and the various techniques I’ve used and will continue to use. I learnt all of these from Veronica and Anxiety UK and I don’t think I even realise sometimes how much they have helped me over the last five years.

I had just finished this fifty sessions of therapy when I set up this blog; it was this that inspired me to do so.  How can I share this with others as well as share my experience of living with anxiety? Veronica and Anxiety UK had made me want to open up about mental health and shout about it to the world. An added bonus of course, but not superfluous, as this opening of doors has helped me ever since, uncovering a world of people who have had similar experiences and feelings to me over the years. I thought I was alone before all of this.

• To Veronica, thank you for sorting me out.
• To Anxiety UK, thank you for hooking me up with her and for opening so many doors for me.
• To all mental health charities, thank you for your continued striving to help people like me.

Thank you.

Best wishes,

Al

It's pub o'clock

Hi all,

This is a blog about a pub. Yes, yes, it has finally happened, after six years (to the day), I have finally ran out of blog topics. 

Stick with me.

The bar of the pub in question. Can be seen
propping it up every Friday

At the commencement of 2017 (a year and a half ago), I made a minor New Year's resolution, although I did not officially call it a resolution lest I couldn't keep it going. Failing would mean I couldn't berate myself if it wasn't official. The resolution was to sod the fact that I spend quite a lot of time alone and do my own socialising - obviously going on the various trips I have been on since then was a significant part of that. But the other thing I have done is go to one of the pubs in my town most Friday evenings for the past year and a half. Yes, I have largely done this on my own, but thanks to going there several times in the past and my friend who has made numerous good friends there over the years, I know enough people at the place for it to at least be somewhere I am recognised and vaguely respected.

As I have blogged about before in reference to going on my travels, eating and doing things on your own is often seen as weird and unnatural. I don't care about such reactions, largely because I can't afford to, but actually having the initiative to do something alone is not seen as normal. Moreover, I live in a town where this is amplified fivefold; my town is one of materialism and perfectionism, by and large - or at least what one perceives to be perfectionism. Everyone is basically the same at or around my age, and anyone slightly different or, in particular, who dares socialise on their own is cast aside from society. We also all judge books by their covers too - no-one knows why I am in a situation where I have to go out on my own to obtain adequate social activity, or indeed why I don't mind doing so - anxiety has forced my hand.

This pub that I frequent in my town is an exception to this rule of abnormality, however. It is the only place where you can go into and feel welcomed and not portrayed as odd by everyone. Obviously there are some exceptions but compared to most other places it is fine to visit as a socially awkward person with a history of social anxiety but who is now ready to take on the world a bit more. I'm trying to describe myself here, by the way.

The first couple of times I went it was challenging, but I quickly became used to the process and became more comfortable integrating. The nature of the pub and what it has to offer also helps. The food is awesome courtesy of incredible locally-sourced burgers and specialises in real ales, which is my drink of choice. You're seldom judged and you can chat randomly to people, even if just on occasion. It was a superb decision for me to start doing this on a regular basis, because it has improved my social awareness and social conscience, in that I care even less about what other people think of me socially now and that I am in fact proud of not liking the same things everyone else does, or the things you're supposed to like - see previous blog. I have become more accepted and care less if I'm not. I can also make up for spending years being unable to eat (or drink) out, due to crippling anxiety - I never take ANY meal that isn't in my own house for granted. This routine also gives me something to look forward to every weekend, which is important given the new challenges that have materialised as a consequence of my mum being diagnosed with dementia; the physical support I provide to her is at weekends.

However, I bring bad news. The landlord is selling up the pub and moving away. Food ceases mid-July, he leaves mid-August. The pub has been close to the edge of closing before and this landlord pulled it out from the fire and into one of the most popular places in the area. 

But what happens from mid-August? Does the pub close? Does it turn into something generic, losing its character and the elements that have made this somewhere for a social fuckwit like me actually flourish, to a very moderated extent? Regardless, food won't be on the table (quite literally) so that will immediately have an impact. Where else is there in my town where I can dine and not have the more normal 'what the hell is this guy doing at age 30* eating on his own?' *I'll be 31 by the time this happens. Where there is genuine rapport? Where there is warmth and character? That enhances my social life, not damages it? Sadly, I cannot yet think of anywhere.

At least if this pub continues to offer everything with the exception of the food, that will be something - if the people and its overall character remains largely in tact, it'll be an inconvenience rather than a disaster (and a significant loss to the palate). But anything more than that and this social outlet I have discovered will disappear and will be replaced, sadly, by either nothing and/or a less enjoyable experience.

Now, such a minor thing may seem trivial in the grand scheme of things - true, it is - but the reality is that the social enhancement that this place has given me in the past 17 months has provided me with another tick in the box to beating away the devil some people call anxiety. And let's not forget that because of my anxious past that prevented hardly any enjoyable social experiences, trivial things to most are significant things to me.

I fear that this is the first blemish on my copybook of my 30s. I have looked many times at what my life looks like at 35 and hate it, assuming it does pan out how I expect. Perhaps this is the first sign of a social decline that I believe is going to take place over the coming years. I hope not, and hopefully I'm over-dramatising/analysing it. 

So instead I shall celebrate the pub before it finally changes: thank you to my friend for signposting it to me initially all those years ago. Thank you to the landlord for making it into a wonderful place for the past few years. Thank you to the people who go there for making me welcome and comfortable.

I will conclude by saying that today is the sixth anniversary of this blogging site. I wrote a series of special blogs a year ago to mark the fifth anniversary - Five Blogs of Thanks - and I'm still surprised that I have made it to six years. The next chapter in my attempt to support those with anxiety via the digital form is the co-development of the new podcast that I have also blogged about recently with another of my good friends - I've Been Thinking to come your way soon.

Best wishes,
Al

2017: Why it has been the best year

Hi all,

Oh what a surprise, a stereotypical 'end of year blog.' Oh what a surprise, someone starting a blog or article with 'oh what a surprise, a stereotypical end of year blog.' Well yeah, whatcha gonna do?

No, there is no reference to deep
house in this post

I thought I would write a positive blog at the conclusion of this momentous year in my life. You may still question whether 'momentous' is the right word after I have finished the blog, but for me, it has been momentous and some. I don't wish for this to come across as an 'oh look what I've achieved this year' arrogant type piece by the way, and I hope it doesn't come across that way. Indeed, some of things I call 'achievements' would be, to some, normal everyday activities that wouldn't seem like achievements at all. Then again, if you think that, you've probably never lived with a chronic mental health condition.

No, what this blog is meant to do is show that, if you're reading this in a low place of seemingly endless despair, as I was for many years about five plus years ago, it is possible to come out the other side and take on life and actually live it to a certain degree. Something I never thought possible when I was sitting on a train eight hours from home, feet numb, hands sweaty, feeling sick and short of breath - in the grips of my worst ever panic attack that lasted 14 hours.

So why has 2017 been particularly positive, amongst the national and global stuff that keeps everyone slightly nervous and angry?

On my travels

If you've been stupid/clever* (*delete as appropriate) to read many of my more recent blog posts, you will have noticed that I have been on holiday three times this year. I went on my own to Edinburgh for two nights in February, Ireland on my own for eight nights in May then Canada with a friend for 12 nights in September. This is probably a fairly normal degree of holiday for an 'average person,' i.e. someone from my sort of background but who has not had anxiety most of their lives. Before this year, the only holidays I had been on were with my parents back in the day, to Wales four times for four nights with my friend and Barcelona on a geography fieldtrip. I had never been abroad before, apart from Barcelona and Ireland twice, and never been away on my own. So this year rather ripped up the script in terms of what I'd done previously. I not only went away, I went on my own, twice, and went abroad for the longest I'd ever been abroad. And of course they weren't without their challenges, but overall I even managed to enjoy myself!!

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: I'd have nervously gone and had to go back home before even getting to the airport or on the train.

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: Not a chance. I remember saying, about a four hour train journey for a weekend away that I had to cancel about seven years ago, 'I can't see how I can ever get out of this situation.'

I was in a relationship!

Okay, so as my previous blog describes, my recent relationship ended after about three and a half months, so you could ask 'why is this a success?' Because I was actually in a relationship at all! I honestly never thought I would have the confidence to meet a girl in the first place, let alone get her to like me for long enough to say 'I'm in a relationship.' I also learnt a lot from my experience and it has given me more confidence - okay, a little more confidence - to potentially take something else forward. Meeting someone else doesn't seem any more likely now I have to say, but nevertheless, I still can't quite believe I was in a relationship at all.

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: Not applicable as it was deemed impossible. In the unlikely event a girl had been interested, I couldn't have sustained a relationship anyway as I was a mess myself.

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: No. End of. To be fair, though, even after this experience I still believe I will end up single in later life too.

Maintaining friendships

As you know this is a hugely important aspect of my life. I could not live without my friends. Fortunately, my core group of friends have remained local and as always I have had many adventures and laughs with all of them this year and, crucially, I know they are there for me if I need them. I depend on them significantly and always have and gladly, if anything, the friendships have all strengthened even further this year.

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: I already had a core group of friends that I totally relied on, but if anything these have since strengthened further and secondly, I'm not sure I appreciated them as much then as I do now.

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: I thought I'd still have a core group of friends but I thought more of them would have up sticks by now. I'm making the most of it whilst they're still here!

Still love my job

Another big one. Even when I was going through dreadful times a few years back, work was my haven and solace, compared to everything else. The exception came when I had to travel somewhere for work or give a presentation, particularly after my 2011 meltdown, but anxiety whilst at work was minor in comparison to other situations. It was the one place where I could actually be free from most of its grip, albeit constantly thinking about what would happen when I left the office! When I applied for my current job four years ago, I was in a better state overall, but I was daunted by the change, especially given I suddenly had a commute to face. But, the people, the work, the type of organisation and the flexibility of the job has made it an absolute pleasure to work for this organisation. We've been close to shutting down once or twice and the future is likely to keep us on our toes, but from my perspective I want to work here for as long as possible.

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: I have been working for well over nine years now, so yes I was already doing it...

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: I didn't think I'd be in a different job and enjoying it so much and so confident about what I do. And actually enjoying doing presentations!

I'm closer to my parents

Again, I am turning a negative into a positive here when you factor in that my mum was diagnosed with dementia this year. This is clearly a huge challenge that has already begun but that awaits us more so in the future. But what this has meant is that more of my time has been required with my mum, and because my role is basically to 'entertain' her when I see her, she appreciates that and looks forward to me coming over, which of course makes me feel good. As far as my dad, the primary 'carer' if I should now call him that, is concerned, we've had to pull together on this as you can imagine, and we are now closer than we used to be. We've never been what I would define as 'close' but we have worked together to ensure we can do the best we can to do what's best for my mum and I believe he now recognises I am an adult (I'm now 30, so better late than never!) and that sometimes it's worth listening to my advice and opinions!

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: In terms of supporting my mum with dementia, I'm just glad this has happened when I am a lot better, because I honestly think I would have been a hindrance to her rather than a help if this had happened a few years ago.

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: Obviously you can't vouch for a family member getting a long-term illness - "it doesn't happen to me" - so of course not. I knew I'd still be seeing my parents but not in such a structured manner. But as I say - the positives are there and I have to take those.

It was the fifth anniversary of this blogging site!

Certainly worth a mention; I did 'Five Blogs of Thanks' to celebrate at the time.

If you'd have asked me to do this five+ years ago: Well I probably would have, given I did start doing it just over five years ago :)

If you'd have asked me whether I'd be doing it in five+ years' time: ...but I never thought it would last for five weeks let alone for over five and a half years. Thank you to everyone who ever reads my posts!

Other stuff

In addition to the above, these are the things that most people take for granted that I'm just grateful I can now do without major trauma:

• Eating out - I make sure I eat out at least once a week now because for many, many years eating out was a living hell.
• Going to a few different places - I mean on a smaller scale to the travelling I've talked about above; day trips with friends, things like that.
• Enjoying my own time - I still have a lot of time alone, but I appreciate it more now, enjoy it more and use it better, partly because I've had to but also because I'm better at planning to ensure my mind doesn't wander into unwanted territory.
• Exercise - Any sort of exercise made me panic in the past, largely due to an increased heart rate which set the health anxiety off. Now, I thoroughly enjoy swimming, cycling and walking and know, of course, that it also benefits me mentally too.

All of this is underpinned, of course, by not constantly fearing what that pain is, what people will think of me in social situations, that I might have a panic attack in an unfortunate situation - leading to, of course, panic attacks. Forget all the stuff I talk about above - ultimately the most important thing is that I have not spent this year in anxiety's grip. I have managed to not let it control me and dictate my life as it used to and this is the best gift of all that 2017 has given me. 

None of this would have been possible without my 50 sessions of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy that I had 2011-12, courtesy of Anxiety UK's brilliant service. I tremble to think where I would be now without this help.

The challenge for 2018 is, of course, to make it as good if not better than 2017. This looks increasingly challenging, as I've blogged about before, due to changing circumstances in my life that are likely to kick in in the next few years - friends moving away, my mum declining in health, my job never being overly stable etc - but only I can try to turn these into positives like I have some aspects this year, or at least, balance out these challenges or gaps with other positives. I think the crucial thing is that I now have the ability to do this, whereas years ago I did not. 

I look back to 2017 with fondness. I think that's the first time I can truly say that. I remind those of you who cannot say this that it is possible to fight and beat whatever mental health condition you're battling with. It is not easy, but it is possible. Talk to someone. Friend, family, charity, Twitter, Samaritans, colleague, whoever. That is where it all starts.

I would like to wish all my readers a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year.

Best wishes,

Al