For those of you following my relentless self-absorption on Twitter lately, you may have noticed that I have recently been on my holidays. However, rather than this being the sort of Facebook 'photos of hot-dog legs' 'look how amazing my holiday is' self-absorption, this self-absorption has been an attempt to show how someone who has lived with chronic anxiety for several years can, indeed, accomplish an achievement that until recently wasn't even in the horizon of reality.
 |
| The beautiful gardens of Muckross House, near Killarney |
It is no secret that I have wanted to travel to a few more places, having only ever been to Barcelona and twice to Ireland outside of the UK. On each previous occasion, I was with other people (my parents and good friend in the Ireland cases and with my university in Barcelona) and the rigidity of the itinerary meant not only that I couldn't always do what I wanted but that it also put more pressure on me to 'perform' in social/academic scenarios. As people with anxiety know, putting an actual or perceived pressure on someone can lead to panic. So the trip I have just taken, although also to Ireland, was on my own and, despite it being a country both close by and one I'd been to before, it was still different. I went to Dublin for four nights, a city I'd never stayed in, and then Killarney for four nights, a town I'd visited but never stayed in either.
So picture the scenario. About six years ago from now, I could barely leave my own house (I was living with my parents at the time). I was under the cosh from crippling anxiety having had a massive panic attack on a train, the immediate legacy of which lasted for months after. I had been living generally with anxiety since I was 11 and saw no way out. So the mere thought of travelling somewhere, anywhere, on my own was panic-inducing and the legacy of this still existed until not too long ago. But I know how much I've improved in this six year period and as I said before, I want nothing more than to explore some of the world and do it on my own terms. Could I cope with the travelling, the uncertainty, the unknowing, the naivety? Remember, most people from relatively privileged backgrounds as I have, have been all over the world by the time they nearly reach 30 (I'm not quite there yet...) and so social pressure forces you to believe that you're being left behind if you haven't been to many places by this age. It becomes another embarrassing string to the anxiety bow: "So where's your favourite place in the world you've been?" I usually say Ireland; they don't have to know that the only place I've been further afield was due to a geography field trip.
So although the temptation was there to go somewhere totally different, I knew I couldn't go into this first solo trip* too deep - going to other places in Europe or Canada, a country I've always wanted to see, would potentially be too much for a first week-long trip I have ever taken alone. So Ireland was the choice; enough to test me, to challenge me, but not an absurd distance for it to blow my mind. The halfway split in places (Dublin for four nights, Killarney for four nights) I thought would also make it a richer and a more challenging experience still than just staying in the same place for eight days.
I booked the trip last August and as the turn of the year came I thought to myself 'this may be too much to cope with having never been away on my own.' *So that is the main reason why I dipped my toe in the water by going to Edinburgh in February; although only two nights and involving no aeroplane travel it was still a useful benchmark: if I couldn't cope with this, how could I cope with eight days in Ireland? As it turned out, it went quite well.
So I went as scheduled, 8 May to 16 May. Here follows a breakdown of successes, challenges and solutions. Let's start with the difficult bits and end more positively!
CHALLENGES
1) Travelling
Not surprising to anyone who reads my stuff. I had to catch a train from my town to the airport, fly to Dublin, get on a bus to the city centre, then halfway through the trip catch a train to Killarney, then do the same journey in reverse on the last day before catching another bus from the station in Dublin to the airport, fly back and get the train back home from the airport. Clear?
I hadn't been on a plane since 2009, for a start, and had no idea how the logistics worked (baggage, processes, boarding, security, yadda yadda). The rigmarole (all very necessary, I appreciate) doesn't allow for a stress-free start when you have no idea what you're doing. So the journey down was possibly the most difficult part of the trip. I had to work very hard to keep it together and although generally succeeded, my thought was 'if this is what the whole trip is going to be like, it's not going to be remotely enjoyable.' The anxiety came in waves; one minute I was okay and felt comfortable, the next I was fighting hard to keep it together. Flashbacks of the 2011 train debacle kept coming into my mind, as did thoughts such as 'what if I fail at the first hurdle?' 'What if I have a panic attack on the plane?' 'What will other people think?' etc etc.
2) Eating
Also not surprising to anyone who reads my stuff. There were two main problems with this I found. The first one was the usual 'pressure of eating' thing that I've had for years and the fact that when you're eating you find it more difficult to breathe which can lead to panicking as well. Combine the two and it can make it quite difficult and as a result it always takes me a while to eat whatever it is.
The second issue was that in both Dublin and Killarney, eating alone was not a common thing. Edinburgh was very different in this respect. I can only recall seeing two people in what must have been around 15 different cafes and restaurants (lunch and dinner) that were also eating alone and in one case you could tell that the person was a regular to that location. There was also a modicum of hostility to me as a sole-eater, taking up space in (what was usually) a busy restaurant. This just added to the pressure.
Something else I should mention in relation to eating is people's relentlessness with breakfast. I stayed in an apartment in Dublin so this wasn't an issue, but I was in a hotel in Killarney. I had purposely booked a room that didn't include breakfast, but because I booked so early I got an early-bird breakfast-thrown-in-for-free offer. Hotel receptionists, as lovely as they were, were relentless with emphasising that I should go for breakfast; I never did, except on the last day where they insisted they open the breakfast bar early to accommodate my early train back to Dublin to catch my flight home. I've never enjoyed breakfast; I can't stomach anything substantial until mid-late morning and moreover I don't like most breakfast related food, such as cereal, anyway. Plus I used to be forced to eat breakfast when going through terrible anxiety and throwing it up on many occasions. But, I didn't have the heart to decline it on this last day (see point 5).
3) Being alone
Following on from the above point about lone-eating, doing this trip solo had already raised a few eyebrows. I don't care about people's reactions, frankly, as they probably haven't been where I have emotionally. But it did lead to an element of stark reality checking again: I'm alone doing this. I don't have the privilege of a relationship borne largely out of a chronic lack of confidence that years of anxiety has given me so if I want to travel, I will have to do it alone. Relationships and happiness are all around you and naturally that makes me fearful of my future when all of my friends finally move on.
4) Length of time
Linking with point 3, I think eight days was slightly too long from a 'getting fed up of my own company' perspective. The way I handle being alone has hugely improved in recent years and my buying of my own house in 2015 emphasises this, but normally I am at work and seeing friends/family when I'm not on holiday so I'm not alone all the time. Despite always being somewhere in the presence of other people, by the end of the trip I was getting annoyed with myself!
5) Confidence
This is something I don't have much of in specific situations. I think what it boils down to is a fear of looking stupid, being embarrassed or being laughed at, which makes me tentative in many situations (and is, again, the reason I am alone in the first place). There were several times when I had to converse with other people that I said yes to something that I didn't really want (see point 2 re breakfast) or went along with something I wasn't comfortable with. Okay so they weren't big deals but this fear of looking stupid or whatever it is always blocks me from saying or doing what I actually prefer. There were also times when I was uncertain about something and felt that I needed to ask to gain clarity, but knew that it was something that 99% of other people would know the answer to (e.g. airport, hotel, restaurant protocol) and again I felt stupid if I did ask. Ironically, of course, in the end it was not asking and thus ending up doing something wrong that made me look more stupid than if I'd just asked in the first place.
6) Dublin is utter carnage
A minor point, but I found Dublin to be total (organised) chaos all of the time. I didn't find Edinburgh like this to the same extent. It is an incredible city, but I found it a bit too 'in your face' for a sole traveller with a history of anxiety!
7) The wrong restaurant
This is more of a anecdote, but one evening in Killarney I ended up in the wrong restaurant. Don't ask me how. I had my suspicions when I walked in and saw one of the staff pouring wine into a glass with the other hand behind his back. I don't go to such places (pressure of eating would go through the roof at a place like this) and I prefer to stick with places where I can interpret the menu and where there is a more relaxed, pub-like atmosphere (understandably - see point 2). Moreover, there is the cost issue. So I sat down and obtained a menu and a glass of bottled water without even being asked (suspicions raised even more) and then I looked at the menu and saw that the cheapest option was €28. I then realised I couldn't work out what most of the meals were.
What do you do? Stay and suck it up and eat something pretentious and pay a fortunate for the privilege and in my case risk a nervous breakdown in the process? Or do you speak to a member of staff explaining your awkward situation, or at least make something up and pretend you have to leave? Or do you wait for none of the staff members to be around and literally run out of the restaurant? I took one of these options and I'm going to let you decide which it was.
With all this chaos going on, bearing in mind anxiety here, the main question is how did I cope with being away in a foreign country for eight days on my own? I hope the below is helpful for anyone reading this who may want to try going away for themselves sometime, but who is fearful to do so.
SOLUTIONS AND SUGGESTIONS
1) Breathing (properly)
I cannot overstate enough how much this helped, especially when travelling. As soon as I felt a prang of anxiety, I focused on breathing properly. Usually, initially, it doesn't feel like it's helping and the natural reaction is to breathe quicker. But trust me, it does help. Breathe slowly and deeply in the through the nose and out through the mouth. Therapists have suggested to me in the past that I do this all the time, which is absurd from both a practical and necessary perspective, but applying it in situations when anxiety is lurking or emitting does help.
2) Advanced preparation
It took time, but I had planned my itinerary, both in terms of the logistical stuff (maps, trains and flights to catch etc) and my daytime plans. I actually went slightly overboard with the evening plans (eating and drinking etc) but as long as one can apply flexibility to any itinerary one should be fine, shouldn't one? All I know is that knowing what I was planning to do one day to the next minimised the stress significantly and meant I didn't have the added pressure of worrying about what to do and how to get there. In terms of travelling, I did plan everything I could but there is an element (especially with aeroplane travel) of until you've done it, you can't know everything. So again, building in that flexibility and ability to react is still important.
3) Being alone
Yes, I did state this as a challenge (see point 3 of challenges). But it was also a positive in that I could do what I liked, where I liked, for how long I liked and when I liked. That reduces the pressure. It is also a case of knowing that if things did go tits up from an anxiety perspective, at least I could 'escape' and do what I need to do to deal with it and not feel I'm letting someone I'm with down. This hugely reduces the pressure.
4) Being sensible with food
Yes eating out so often was a challenge, but choosing the right place was fundamental (see points 2 and 3); I knew there were options at each place I was going to that I could eat and (as much as anxiety allows) enjoy. It was also important to have plenty of fluids (a dry mouth whilst eating never helps) and so I usually ordered a tap water with whatever other drink I chose. Indeed, if you go into posh restaurants you get a bottle of water anyway (ahem). Also snacking during the day is useful to keep up energy and sugar levels and is important even if you don't feel like eating much. Something like a cereal bar or piece of fruit can work wonders and doesn't usually take too much effort to eat.
5) People watching and listening
Irish people are great, so why not keep an eye and/or ear on them? It took my mind off internal, unhelpful thoughts and you get added value, such as: "this weather is fecking shite even for our standards."
6) Understanding what is required and when
I always assumed that when I was feeling anxious when travelling, for example, that reading would help. Actually, it doesn't always. Sometimes having a look around you (and linking with point 5) can actually help more; playing off people's reactions that the plane is not about to nosedive into the sea or tuning into something other than your thoughts. Other people can help you do this better than a book or newspaper, quite often. The point is, just because reading is something I've always done in the past when feeling anxious on a train or plane, doesn't mean to say it's the best option every time. Again, flexibility is key.
7) Rationalisation
I don't have a fear of flying, but I do have anxiety. Therefore put me in any slightly uncomfortable situation, like in an aeroplane, and you bring that anxiety to the surface. I did find, to my surprise, that thinking of things people have said in the past about planes being the safest form of travel actually helped. This wouldn't help people with an extreme fear of flying, but it helped me rationalise the situation from an anxiety perspective. So did considering other things, such as 'it's only an hour long flight' and 'there are plenty of nice staff on board' etc. Being rational goes against the grain when you have anxiety and when you first try rationalising situations it doesn't help, but persistence pays off. Eventually you realise death isn't necessarily going to result from every activity.
8) WhatsApp
As you know, I'm a huge fan of social media, and sarcasm. However, I don't count WhatsApp as a form a social media, more an up to date version of MSN Messenger (if you're around my age, you'll have been a part of the fairly short but intensive MSN Messenger era whilst at school). In essence what WhatsApp allowed me to do is stay connected with close friends without having to worry about paying ridiculous charges for using my phone abroad. I'm fortunate that I have close friends who know my situation, who know how significant this trip for me was and who I can send messages to whilst I'm away to maintain a certain level of acceptable normality and support, if necessary.
9) Ireland
I am 25% Irish as my grandfather was Irish and I think there is some of it in my blood too; I love the place, the atmosphere and above all the scenery, which helps when you love hiking and cycling. As we know these sorts of things are hugely beneficial to a healthy mind and I made sure that, despite the weather, I undertook some of these activities. I also visited some wonderful places; some highlights would probably be Killiney Hill near Dublin, Muckross House and the Gap of Dunloe (Google them).
Many of the above things are of course forms of CBT techniques; see my last-but-one post.
I think all of this pales into insignificance when I set out the results in simple terms:
-- I HAVE JUST COMPLETED AN 8 DAY HOLIDAY ON MY OWN IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY WITHOUT HAVING A MAJOR ANXIETY EPISODE --
If you'd have said that I would be able to achieve this even a couple of years ago, I would have laughed in your face. But it isn't me that has achieved this; it is my support network (people and material) that has enabled me to get this far.
As this blog nears five years old, you will be able to see how far things have developed in my life in just this amount of time, let alone in 1997 when I first sat in a counsellors office not really knowing what was going on. So what's the next adventure? Canada in September...
Best wishes,
Al
No comments:
Post a Comment