Loneliness

Having anxiety and/or depression can be a very lonely place, and I mean literally as well as metaphorically.  From what I have learnt from my own experience and heard from others, many people with anxiety feel that they are alone even if they are surrounded by loving family and friends.  I think much of it must come down to this: if the people you're with don't 'understand' what you're going through, then you end up feeling you have no-one to talk to about the one thing you need to talk to someone about: your anxiety.  Indeed, it can even make the problem worse, as you get frustrated by their impatience, intolerance or general vagueness towards your anxieties.

But I'm also talking about real loneliness, that can either cause anxiety or be caused by anxiety - usually a bit of both.  I feel that I never made enough of an effort as a kid to join clubs and groups etc; "they're not for me" I always used to say.  I suppose it didn't help that, when it comes to sport, I'm about as effective as an ice radiator.  However, when groups became far more variable, i.e. more non-sport activities were available, I still didn't join up.  This mainly happened at University; so many things came up but instead of trying a couple of things out or even staying behind to chat to people I'd started to get to know, I used to run off home on the next available train.

I think I did this because I had a fear of failure or being laughed at... years of low self-esteem from things like sport may have caused this.  However, it was also caused by suffering from chronic panic disorder over a significant proportion of my life, which obviously made me worry that it would be flared up if I did something outside the bubble I had created. 

Consequently, today, although I have great friends, I don't get many opportunities to socialise.  I still met some great people at Uni but I'm not in touch with many of them now and they all live challenging distances away.  My main friends all come from schooldays.  But note - school and my course at Uni are the only two places I was ever going to make friends from, because this is all I ever did.  Now, with my friends all moving on and, in some cases, away, I spend many a waking non-work hour sitting in my room, on my own.  And I'm a people person - I love interacting with others, helping others etc - so I hate it when I only have my own company.  And, of course, this also means more time to dwell on things, leading to... yup, an increase in anxiety.

I have been trying to rectify this, particularly since my serious anxiety (specified in earlier blogs and on HealthUnlocked) subsided.  I've been trying to find things to do to get out there, meet new people and potentially make a difference.  The problem is, I always seem to find obstacles... many of them justified, but some I can't feeling I'm purposely putting in the way.  Why?  Because that niggling low self-esteem 'you'll get laughed at' thought keeps rising to the surface.  I have to learn it's got to be better than sitting in my room with my leg shaking because it feels like I need to break out and run around for a bit and do something.

I have a lot to give, and no-one to give it to.  Take that as you will, innuendo or otherwise.  It applies either way, sadly.

But in all seriousness, I really need to bite the bullet one day and, as a large multinational company have told us many times, 'just do it.'  It's just finding the 'it' that's the problem. 

Best wishes
Al