Ooh, tetchy

One flaw of my anxiety condition over the years has been the inability to deal with criticism.  This is understandable, and obtaining criticism is something that can easily cause anxiety if you don't take it well.  If I ever get criticism for something, usually work related, I often turn moody with the individual who has given me the criticism.  I'm probably worse if I know they're right because then I also feel like a failure, which is the ultimate in self-esteem crushing.

Slightly OTT but you get the idea

What I feel legitimately annoyed about, though, is when people comment on certain aspects of my life.  For example, I'm not the world's best cook (neither are any of my family before me - it's rare that the oven or microwave isn't used to cook at least part of a meal) so I keep it simple.  I vary my diet but I can't make dishes that some people themselves would call 'simple.'  Anything that involves ingredients causes me real problems.

So like I say, I keep it simple.  When people, over time, notice this (I'm obviously referring to people I live with because who else would necessarily know?!) and then make comments such as:

"I assume you need the oven" or
"Are you having that again?"

... it annoys me.  Why does it annoy me?  Especially when such comments are usually in jest and I can give it back just as much.  Well, I put this down to a chronically low self-esteem; I effectively take such comments as criticism, which is the first problem.  It isn't really criticism, and even if it was, why should I care?  Why does it bother me so much that someone has pointed out what I eat?  

The underlying answer is I HATE it when people psycho-analyse me (if this is the right phrase).  I hate it when people think they know me when they comment on these sort of things.  There are other examples too, I don't want you to think food is the only thing, for a fear of clouding the food issue with another food issue I've had in the past.  It could be anything that people observe about me.  Another example could be if I talk about something quite often, or do something often, like watch football.  I love watching football, again as a result of my family, but then people make comments as though me watching football is me wasting my life.  

Now it could be that people's observations are sometimes true.  I could do more with my life than spend all daytime weekends watching football.  I could try to cook more adventurous things.  But even if they do have a point, I let it bother me that they a) think they have a right to point it out when I could easily make likewise comments to them about some of their traits and b) that they should care about what I do when it doesn't affect them.  I know, it sounds petty and tetchy, I can hear it.

So why does this bother me so much?  Like I alluded to earlier, low self-esteem is one thing.  In most situations (especially socially), I have horrendous self-esteem issues and often find it difficult to make myself feel good about myself in front of others. I think people making what seem like derogatory comments about my life, even if they're not derogatory, just emphasises this self-esteem and further damages confidence.  This then fuels anxiety and makes me feel worse about myself, and so the spiral continues.  

As with many things, including the chicken and egg, which caused what?  Did the anxiety cause the self-esteem issues or did the self-esteem cause much of my anxiety?  Hard to say and as also with many things, I think it's a bit of both.  As a result I just hate psychoanalysis, and it makes me feel like things I do are odd, even though everyone has bizarre traits.  It's just that most people can take it when they are told about it.

Just another aspect of how anxiety has contributed towards element of my personality.

Best wishes
Al