The Waves

This isn't going to be a straightforward blog to write, largely because the feelings that I am about to describe are difficult to explain - so stick with it!

Waves at Harlech Bay, where I am holidaying this year.

I have had experience of (I hate using the word 'suffered') anxiety for most of my life - probably around 17 years now - and as various blogs before this have explained, it has affected my life in many different ways, mostly negatively.  Despite this, I would not say that I suffer, or have ever suffered, from depression.  Anxiety and depression often go hand in hand, perhaps unsurprisingly, with both fuelling the other.  You experience anxiety through certain things, your life becomes hard and this, over time, makes you depressed.  You become depressed for whatever reason - sometimes unexplained - and this increases your anxiety through everyday things becoming harder or due to a fear of what happens next in your life.  I simplify, but you get my point.

But certainly on a chronic scale, I would not say that I have suffered from depression.  I know this for two reasons: 1) I have spoken to and heard from a few people who have experience depression and 2) I have experienced what I can only described as 'short-burst' depression.  The last time this happened was when I moved into my new house in September 2013.  It happened previously when I moved into my previous house in April 2012.  It happened previous to that when I house-sat at my colleague's house for two weeks in August 2011.  You'll notice a pattern... It's also happened in the past at certain other integers, but has only ever lasted for a maximum of a couple of weeks.  It's basically my response to a significant change, usually involving moving from somewhere to somewhere else. 

The earliest I remember it happening, coupled with anxiety, was 1996.  I was only ten, but as this experience will tell you, it's hardly surprising I became depressed.

Anyway, the reason I can say I have not got chronic depression and only 'short-burst' depression is because, when I get these short-term waves of depression, they are very, very difficult to control and my life becomes a vortex to hell for the given period of time.  Thank goodness that the feelings I get when I get this short-term depression hits are only short-term, because I think I'd find it difficult to cope with these feelings for any greater period. 

In terms of describing it, I would say it's just a total fear of your future and utter hopelessness and despair.  You experience an actual dread about what is going to happen the next day and in your life in the long-term.  You feel useless and sick with worry.  It is truly horrible and I can imagine it to be, at best, debilitating if you felt like this for long, and writing this feels like I'm patronising people who have experienced long-term depression.  Needless to say, anxiety gets worse during these times too.

The reason I blog about this today is because I am feeling a little bit like this.  I say "a little bit like this" because I cannot say I feel as depressed as I have done in the examples I gave above, but I do feel a little bit low.  I think the explanation is easy; I've been off work today, and my mind has been less occupied than it would be with a 30-minute train journey and the subsequent day of work that lies ahead. My mind has more time to wander, which is fatal for me.  This is despite the fact that I have met up with two lots of friends for coffee and lunch today, the company of whom I enjoy.

But loneliness, if that's what this is, doesn't usually make me particularly depressed, it's usually a catalyst for increased anxiety only, with more time to focus on things like my body, leading to greater health anxiety for example.  This is happening today too, but coupled with these unpleasant thoughts in the back of my mind that my life isn't going anywhere and that things are a waste of time.  I feel low, which is perfectly acceptable for anyone to feel, but unfortunately given my mental health history, I can't help thinking* there's more to it.

* = The main problem.

I have to choose my days off work very carefully because I cannot afford to spend lots of time off on my own for fear of heightening anxiety.  That's why, bar maybe Christmas when there's more social opportunity, I only usually take a few days off here and a few there, to break up the busy-ness of work but so I can't let my mind wander for too long.  I also always try and make sure I'm doing something that involves human interaction on at least some of these days (like today).  

I'm not sure why I feel a little depressed today.  It could be because we had a new housemate join us at the weekend, and I fear that this will affect the dynamic of the house.  It's horrible to resent someone before they've even settled in, but the relationship I've got with my existing housemates here is so good now that I don't want anything to screw it up.  I've finally felt comfortable living here, which us a precious thing, and I think I'm scared that this will change for the worse.  The last thing I need after my previous house share experience is another difficult living environment.  The other factor to feeling like this could be that I stayed at my parents the last two nights.  This is always very comfortable (more so than my shared house despite what I said above) and I would even say I was chilled out.  I also saw some people (e.g. this morning's coffee) who I feel comfortable with and who I only see when I stay over with my parents, for reasons I won't go into now.  The other factor could be the long-term one of being relationship-less... something that bothers me all the time but something I often don't have enough mindspace to dwell on.  Combine all these factors with a heightened anxiety or 'nervousness' that I always get when I'm less busy may explain why I feel low today.  

My problem is, I always think that when I feel like this, it's the start of a longer-term downfall.  I'm the only one who can prevent this from being the case - well, me, and other people who I need to surround myself with when I feel low.  People are the best medicine, as I'm sure I've said before on this blog.  

My depression comes in short, infrequent waves I'm pleased to say.  As I said above, I cannot begin to imagine how people who have longer term, more severe problems cope with it.  Well, I can, because people have explained it to me, but you get my point.

I just hope going back to work tomorrow can lift my spirits, or at least, make me so busy I don't have time to be depressed!

Best wishes
Al