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Our cat Molly
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Telling someone about your anxiety, and getting a bad reaction, could end up being worse in the long run. It could potentially damage friendships and rather than make people feel safer, it could make them more isolated and less likely to tell somebody else. It could even fuel their anxiety. It would be even worse in the short-term if a family member reacted badly to an anxiety problem ("you can choose your friends but not your family") but the chances are they would eventually come round to supporting you. They have to, they are your family after all (although I'm sure there are tragic cases where this hasn't happened).
But friends have no ties to you, when all is said and done. I am lucky that anyone I have told about my anxiety has listened, asked questions and offered support, like a true friend does. At worst they have been ignorant, pretending when we've subsequently met up that 'the night I told them' never happened... but they have still carried on being my friend.
But I've also been selective about who I've told about my anxiety. So far, I've made the right calls, but I'm sure that there are people who have told friends about anxiety, or another mental health problem, and their friendship has never recovered. Whether it's because of mental health stigma, misunderstanding or perhaps a sense of betrayal in the friend - ''why didn't you trust me enough to tell me earlier'' - telling the 'wrong' friend could have the opposite impact to the desired one.
So how do you know who to talk to about anxiety, and how? One thing I've learnt is this: don't plan to tell someone, friend or family member, about your anxiety at a given time. Never invite them over one morning for a coffee or one evening for a beer to specifically talk about it. It piles the pressure on you, and moreover it'll be quite easy for your friend to see through the less-than-well-hidden agenda. They may feel bombarded a little. But as you'll read shortly, this is easier said than done.
Usually, I've found, it 'all comes out' when you don't necessarily expect it. And it often goes before or after your friend tells you about some deep, dark secret... often related to mental health. You end up feeling closer, liberated and supported by your mutual experiences and problems.
This more laid-back approach to telling someone, i.e just 'letting it happen,' is fine after the first time. The pressure is off a bit - you've already told one person and it went well, so thereafter it becomes easier. Although you'd be devastated if the second person you told took it badly, at least you still had the support of the first person you told. And it may even be that they can back you up in telling the second person.
But like anything, the first time is hardest. How do you set up the conducive circumstances to tell someone about something like this without manipulating the time in the sort way I described earlier? The first person I told - beyond my parents who saw what anxiety was doing to me - was, perhaps unimaginatively, my best mate. We went on many holidays together in the past and it was on one of those holidays that we had one of 'those' conversations. I had, in my mind, decided that he had a 'right' to know the full extent of my problems. He had seen snippets, but times of anxiety that I may have inadvertently disclosed to him in the past came at him when he was too young to analyse and take in. He may have just thought I was a bit weird, which is understandable. So I thought, in my mind, I owed him an explanation.
We were about 17 at the time (so eight years ago - wow...), and we basically had one of those nights where we just talked, pretty much non-stop, for hours. This wasn't the first time nor was it the last, but because of our trust and closeness I considered that telling him wasn't going to be an issue. Luckily, it wasn't, and whilst not pretending to fully understand the nature of my condition, he expressed his full support. (NB - I didn't understand the full nature of my condition when I was 17 either, but at the time I obviously didn't know this!)
So in this case, I kind of went down the half and half route - I'd half planned to tell him sometime during that holiday, and half planned to let it just happen. But again, not everyone is lucky enough to have someone who they may feel confident enough to tell quite so openly.
Since then, I've told people in the 'if it happens' way. I've never planned it. And still to this day, there are some people who I wouldn't consider bringing it up with. And yet, here I am writing a public blog about anxiety. It's not quite the same, though, when speaking to a virtual world of people you don't know.
It also seems prejudice to assume that some people you know won't 'understand' or 'be able to take' news of your anxiety. Sometimes people you don't expect are the most comforting.
Telling a partner, of course, adds an entirely different dimension to things, and of course is the most important. Something to explore later in this blog I don't doubt. I'm coming at this from a 'single' kind of angle. The one in which I have most experience...
I realise, having read back, that this blog doesn't really give any answers to the best way of talking to people close to you about your mental health problem, especially for the first time. It wasn't necessarily designed to, but I suppose my message would be twofold; (a) be tactful and (b) don't let one bad reaction put you off from telling somebody else.
It's quite feasible that the mental health charities, in particular Anxiety UK and Mind, have information about this on their websites, so you're probably better looking at them... instead of talking to me!
Best wishes
Al
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