Anxiety Gave Me One Present...



I've never had a present that looks like this


OK, so it's taken me a month since Christmas to write another blog.  I've been back at work for nearly 3 weeks now, and although it isn't quite at it's intensity workload-wise compared to late last year (see another previous blog), it's still pretty busy.  And I have already done three presentations. 

Public speaking is the bain of many people's lives, of that I am certain.  The number of people who simply dread speaking to an audience, even if they know them, is huge.  Obviously, as with anything*, the more you do it the easier it gets, but for some people it can take a bloody long time. 

Yes, surprise surprise, I am speaking from experience here.  I remember one of the first presentations I did at Uni.  I had no idea what I was talking about.  Mining, if I recall; what that had to do with my degree I don't know, but anyway.  To make things worse, I was put with a guy who was scared of not speaking in public, i.e., he loved the sound of his own voice and, for that matter, loved other people hearing it too.  Pity for him most other people didn't.

Anyway, I digress.  The point is, that put more pressure on me than if I was on my own.  At least alone, I could have screwed it up all by myself and no-one could blame me.  Many people find joint presentations easier than doing them alone, and yes I probably would have, if was with a friend.  Even then, if you screw up you feel bad for them.  Luckily, most presentations I do today are alone and I find that takes the pressure off.

Thing I've learnt about presentations 1: Do them on your own, if possible.

In this example, I also didn't know what I was talking about.  I was shy and timid back then, and most probably going through a period of intense anxiety, so the other guy dominated proceedings and told me what to say, basically.  Despite that, I had no idea come the day and basically read off some notes I'd written down.

Thing I've learnt about presentations 2: Know what you're talking about.

Again luckily, I now only present on stuff I know at least a bit about.  Now, the rest of the things I've learnt, listed below, will come with time and persistence.

Thing I've learnt about presentations 3: Be honest if you don't know something or if someone asks you a question that you don't know.  I appreciate this can be embarrassing, but if you promise to find out for them and almost have a bit of a joke with them that "wow, that was a hard question, are you here to test me?" then generally they react quite well.  They are only human after all.

Thing I've learnt about presentations 4: Most of your audience will have been in the same position.  Picture each one of them, particularly if you know one of them to be (over)confident, feeling the same things as you.  They will have once upon a time.  Some people do have the 'knack,' like art or music, but presenting does improve with practise.

Now, this is all very well (I hear you cry), but what if you have chronic anxiety and are going through a particularly bad period?  I had to do a presentation in front of a 50-strong audience (the biggest I've ever done I think) when I was still recovering from my March 25th panic hell in Cornwall.  It was probably the worst experience of my life, behind the aforementioned Cornwall day.  I tried to apply breathing, mindfulness, rationalisation, even alcohol (OK, not alcohol**), but it didn't really help.  Somehow, I managed to do the presentation (luckily it was only 10 minutes) but then spent a good couple of days recovering from the trauma.  So what's the remedy to this?  I'm afraid I don't really have one. 

That said, overall, anxiety has helped with my presentations.  Why?  Two reasons:

1) That event I mentioned above has set a benchmark, i.e., it can't be much worse than that so I don't have to worry too much!  But more importantly...

2) As people reading this will be able to relate to, anxiety has caused me so much pain and distress over the years that now, I laugh in the face of the fear that presentations throw at me.  This has kind of just happened.  Yes, doing plenty of presentations for my job has helped, but the amount of rubbish that anxiety has thrown my way has given me a kind of 'so what' attitude.  Whether this is normal or not I don't know, but today I can even enjoy presentations, especially if I'm passionate about the subject, I'm in front of a responsive audience and I apply the things I've learnt as outlined above.

Don't be afraid of public speaking.  Be proud of who you are and what you say.  I don't always do this, but if you believe it, you might even end up enjoying them.

Best wishes
Al

*Well, most things. Maybe not everything...
**Seriously - I do not condone alcohol as an anxiety remedy!

Not for the faint hearted

I was lucky enough to get 3 weeks off work, which is just as well given how busy it's been getting there lately.  A much needed break.

Sorry, I meant "break."

Christmas can, for obvious reasons, put a lot of pressure on folk with anxiety, which is hardly surprising... for me, one of the main things is eating out on a more frequent basis, which, as I've explained in previous blogs, is not something I'm overly good at.  However, there have been a couple of recent eating out events, all of which have gone ok, so I was hopeful this one would be the same.

The scene: It was a colleague's (and a friend's) Birthday from the office where I work.  27 people were attending, largely due to the fact that it had slowly merged into a Christmas lunch, not just a Birthday lunch.  Anyway, even though I'm on leave, I was invited and gladly accepted.  It was held at The Sun pub in Stafford; a nice and a fairly 'safe' venue for me. 

It all started fine; I was having a good chat and a laugh with a few colleagues.  The food was served, and again, the food situation was going well, in that I was actually managing to eat it.  Many events like this that have occurred in the past ended up with me leaving hungrier than when I started, but it was all good. 

In attendance with us was an ex-colleague, who retired a couple of years ago.  He's an absolute legend; he is the sort of person that has that enviable knack of making everyone's face light up when he enters the room you're in.  He was being his usual jovial self.  Then, suddenly, another fellow colleague had to leave early, and went to say a specific goodbye to this retired chap given he's not someone we see in work everyday.  As she was saying bye, the chap was completely non-responsive, as though he didn't know she was there.  It suddenly transpired that, rather than him joking around, something was seriously wrong.  He'd just shutdown, barely able to function, and had apparently got very hot.  Within 30 seconds of the colleague saying cheerio, another colleague was phoning for an ambulance. 

Now understandably, aided by this chap's popularity, everyone went from being happy and chatty to shocked, concerned and quiet.  The problem is, no-one knew what was wrong.  He was able to speak to the ambulance service on the phone himself, but with difficulty, and his condition deteriorated and his wife, also present, took over. 

Now, for about 6 or 7 minutes of this, I had to start concentrating on myself.  I felt a little light-headed and there were slight symptoms of a panic attack fizzing around inside me.  I thought once I'd got over the initial shock I'd be fine, though, especially given how far I've come over the past year or so. 

However, after this 6 or 7 minutes, when the phone passed to his wife, I got worse, and realised I had to vacate the room; I was going to faint if I hadn't done.  Luckily the toilets were close by and the one cubicle was vacant, so I had to go in there, sit face down, breathe deeply and compose myself. 

Bearing in mind I have health anxiety, I'm sure you can appreciate what this must have been like. 

I was disappointed in myself.  I had to remove this feeling, though, and focus on the positives, mainly, that I actually removed myself from the scene.  Once upon a time, I would have pretended that I was fine, possibly resulting in me fainting on the spot.  Imagine the disaster that would have occurred had this happened, given the already materialising circumstances.

I was in the toilets for at least 20 minutes before I managed to get up, and gladly in that time the chap had been taken out of the area and put into the ambulance outside.  I then paid and left swiftly, made easier by the fact that many others had already gone.  No-one really knew where I had been in the interim and no-one has since questioned it. 

I'm pleased to say I've since heard that this chap, who I really care about, is apparently doing ok.

So why did this happen?  I've (luckily) never been in a situation before where someone has suddenly become ill like this with no apparent warning.  It has happened to people before but I've never been there to witness it.  So perhaps it came as a shock for that reason, but not everyone in this situation would faint...

So, anxiety it is then.  With health anxiety, one of my biggest fears is having a heart attack or stroke or something along these sort of lines, and even though I'm not sure what this chap had, it was clearly not good and perhaps seeing something that I attributed to my biggest fears actually happening in front of me generated that reaction. 

Perhaps, because everyone was panicking about this chap etc, my mind was doing it's 'oh boy, I'd better not have a panic attack or faint now' thing, because of the nature of the situation, making the likelihood of an attack occurring all the greater, of course.  Perhaps, as I suspect, it was a combination of the above two factors. 

Whatever the reason, I just hope this doesn't set me back in the progress I have made.  I hate how any 'event' like this always ends up with me being selfish and having to look after and think about myself, rather than concentrating on being concerned for the person to whom the 'event' has actually happened to. 

A day in the life of an anxiety sufferer. 

Best wishes and have a wonderful Christmas
Al

Loneliness II

This blog follows on from the one I wrote back in July... sadly, little has changed. 


A good, aptly named song



I've spent years isolating myself, all the way up until the final year of University when I finally started to become more confident.  I was embarrassed about who I was; pre-'realising I had chronic anxiety' because I couldn't explain some of my behaviour, and post-'realising I had chronic anxiety,' because, well, I knew I had chronic anxiety.  I always seemed to think that isolation was the best answer despite what friends and professionals used to tell me, citing that "I like my own space and time."  As Chandler said in Friends, "we could get them together and make a continuum."

And even now, where I think the opposite, I still enjoy my own space and time, but only every so often.  As it happens, I have far too much of my own space and time. 

I've only felt like this for about 4-5 years, and for the first couple of years of this, I thought that filling my own space and time with activities was OK and was an acceptable substitution for socialising.  But now I realise that even this isn't enough.  I now understand that I'm a people person, I enjoy talking to, laughing with and helping other people, it's part of my nature.

Whether it's been there all the time and I've just been suppressing it, I'm not sure.  It could be, somewhat ironically, that isolating myself so much for so long as caused me to develop into this 'people person.'  If you averaged the amount of 'alone time' I've had compared to most people in this country at my age, I would guess I'm well over double the average.  When focusing purely on non-work or non-academic time, it'd be even more. 

At the end of the day, if I had a satisfactory social calendar, I wouldn't have time to write this blog.

Of course, bouts of social anxiety and panic disorder --- yadda yadda --- haven't helped over the years, but there is a significant possibility that a lack of social activity has actually, at least in part, caused this.  Anxiety itself, in my case, may have come from isolation and, in turn, a lack of confidence in myself and in social situations.

It could be the other way round, of course, where anxiety caused my lack of confidence and social isolation... but either way, years of being 'under-sociable' has got me stuck somewhat in a hole that I'm finding very difficult to come out of.  I'm still shy on confidence when meeting new people, although much better than I was and more willing, but now that school and uni have gone, the opportunities are very limited. 

And certainly these days, being on my own does cause anxiety and depression, even if this never used to be the case.

I have thought of ways to improve my social status, in spite of the 'limited opportunities' I refer to above.  But many of them would involve quitting my job, which in this day and age would just be stupid. 

But of course, back in March 2011, I visited Exeter University in order to more closely inspect a masters course with, if I'm honest, the main objective to be improving my social calendar by going back to uni.  This trip resulted in the biggest panic attack I've ever had, and took around a year of hard work to recover from. 

No wonder I'm tentative.  No wonder big decisions frighten me.  No wonder I'm stuck in this rut...

Best wishes

Al

The Chaos of Social Anxiety



Joxer Brady's pub in Stafford




I thought I would attempt to share with you what my socially anxious mind goes through when I'm asked whether I would like to attend a very basic social gathering.  In this case, it was just an impromptu trip to a nearby pub for a quiz on a Thursday evening at 9:00. 

Realities in black, thoughts in red...




5:02
I am asked by my colleague at work, just before I leave, what I'm doing this evening.  Colleagues don't usually ask what one is doing in an evening, perhaps unless it is a weekend.  My suspicions were raised... What has he got in mind?

5:02
I replied with 'not much, I don't think,' a vague response which I wanted, but one that still suggests that I'm largely free.  He asks me whether I would like to go to the pub as the colleague from work is running the quiz on this particular night.  I reply with 'erm.... [general hesitation and stuttering].... sounds interesting... I'll let you know.'  Him and another colleague, also attending, then proceeded to persuade me. I then said I would let him know.

5:03
They also inform me that quiz participants are eligible for discount sausage and chips at the interval... Of course, I fear eating out which almost made the decision for me... but wait, I don't have to eat!  That isn't an excuse to not go!  But it's easier not to...

By this time it was 5:05.

5:12
I arrive home (yes, I live that close to work) and decide that 'I have things to get done' such as eating (forget the discount sausage), showering and other mundane things like compiling a shopping list.  Oh well, I need to get all this done anyway so if I can't get it all done by 9pm I won't be able to go out, and the decision is made for me. But I don't really need to do it all.  Some of it can wait.  Either way I can make myself free.  But I'd feel more comfortable if I could get it done...

7:15
I had done everything... nearly two hours before needing to leave.  Oh no, everything is done, now I have no excuse! What if I'm terrible at the quiz? What if I have a funny with the food, or people place judgement if I decline it?  And hang on... the quiz doesn't start until 9, what if it finishes late and I go to bed later than normal... work is tomorrow!  But I could go in later.  But then I'd have to leave later because I have too much to do!  That'll ruin my schedule tomorrow evening!  But actually I don't really have a schedule... more things to do, yes, but nothing urgent!  But what if it screws my sleep up? Then I'll get anxious... I could get anxious at the quiz itself! But then I could get depressed if I don't go out and end up having nothing to do...

8:35
This sort of thought chaos was going through my mind all throughout this time... until I had about 80% decided I was going to go.  Then my housemate comes in and is up for a catch up, but only until 9:10 because he's off out... is this an excuse not to go to the quiz? Not really... if he leaves at 9:10 I could leave with him and get there as bit late... but I don't want to get there late... and if I do go I've got the same issues as before...

So me and my housemate catch up until 9:10.

9:10
OK Al it's make or break time... do I go to the quiz?  Come on, let's just go, it's not that difficult, so what if I go to bed a bit later, I know I'm being irrational... but...

9:12
I leave the house... but end up going with my housemate to another pub instead.  I can control this situation more, I'd prefer to be with my housemate anyway and I can leave when I like.  And there's no sausage... but my colleagues at the quiz will now think less of me, or get annoyed because I've messed them around...

If this is what happens for a conventional night (bearing in mind this is significantly simplified), a night of self beating and total chaos, imagine what it's like when there is a big event planned?  And also bear in mind, my housemate unintentionally helped me out of this chaos this time... I don't always get fortunate like this, i.e. someone to bail me out, so in other circumstances the decision about the quiz would need to be made either way...

The day in the life of an anxiety sufferer...

Best wishes

Al

Pizza Off

I posted a blog fairly recently about my problems with eating out.  Somehow, I have managed to avoid an evening meal out, bar the odd takeaway in a pub (don’t ask) for getting on for a year.  But this is all about to change.



Pizza Express, or 'hell,' Stafford



*Dramatic drum music, with fanfare*

A week on Friday, there is a meal out planned for someone’s work leaving do.  Given the economic climate, there have been many leaving dos lately and all of them have had meals involved.  I, however, have always ‘just gone out for drinks afterwards’ as I have ‘things I need to do’ beforehand. 

Basically, I’ve lied to get out of it.  I’ve had a reality check this time though.  Why should I have to lie to get out of an occasion simply because it might not agree with anxiety? 

But this particular meal out is going to be hard.  It’s at Pizza Express in Stafford, which is actually a nice venue for a meal out.  But this particular restaurant has a pretty big stigma attached to it.  I remember, eight years ago now, there was a meal at P.E that involved quite a few people, at which I had my first major ‘struggling’ episode in terms of eating out (see previous blog), which put me off eating for a long time subsequently.  Of course at the time, I didn’t really know what was going on, which made it all the worse. 

I’ve also had a couple of less major ‘struggles’ at P.E since this incident, which have meant, all in all, I don’t like going there.

So after I agreed to challenge myself by going for a meal out, when it transpired that it was going to be at P.E, I raised an eyebrow awry in ‘sod’s law’ irony. 

The main thing I have to do is remember that, actually, people aren’t going to be focusing on me; they will be focusing on the person who is leaving.  So why should there be any pressure on me?  Easier said than done, of course...

I’m not really sure what I’m feeling about it.  Ask me this time next week.  But what I do know is that it is a challenge that I feel I need to set myself, so I can move on into the future...

...into the future, where, on 21 December, I will be attending a Christmas meal at another venue in Stafford. 

Hurrah!

Merry Christmas and a happy pizzeria.

Best wishes

Al

Anxiety Bites 1

I didn't have one specific topic that I wanted to blog about, so I thought I'd give you a snapshot of my recent thoughts.

Holiday of a Lifetime
I went for a 3-day caravan break to Wales at the end of September.  Most people would consider their lives to be in a sad state of affairs if this was their main holiday, but for me, the achievement of even getting on the train to Borth from Stafford (3 hours) was a huge one.  I am pleased to report I was fine, and I was actually able to enjoy the break, so much so that I didn't want to go back.  I went with my good friend and we walked 17 miles in two days, and we even had the weather to go with it!
I think the reason for the success is because there was no pressure.  My friend knows about my anxiety conditions and I know that I could talk to him if I needed, which helps.  There was no eating out involved; instead we cooked every night so I had more control over what and how much we ate.  I learnt a lot about what my 'type' of holiday is from this trip, and I'm ready to go away again!

What If You're Actually Ill?
As explained on numerous occasions, I have health anxiety; I become so convinced that I'm getting something serious that it can cause great anxiety, making me feel physically ill... and so the cycle starts again.  But what if I actually get a physical illness?  I speak at present as I have a severe cold - I always get severe colds, often combined with pharyngitis (not nice) and sinus problems, and historically I've always had my fair share of colds - possibly due to anxiety messing with my immune system.  I do get a bit anxious when I get a cold, such as 'what if I can't breathe when I'm asleep' etc etc, but I've always wondered how I would react psychologically if I did get a relatively serious illness.  Hopefully it's something I'll never have to experience.

Compassion Knows No Bounds?
I have learnt over the past year that compassion can alleviate anxiety.  I'm not totally convinced that this is true if you're in the grip of a panic attack, but it certainly provides one with a sense of positivity and happiness, which can only be a good thing.  The downside to attempting to be more compassionate is that, when you make a mistake, you feel really bad about yourself.  I unnecessarily ranted about there not being any tea for visitors to our workplace last week, and, without really realising it, I was aiming it at people who didn't deserve to be at the forefront of my unjustified rage.  When I discovered they were upset by it, I became upset too which actually increased my anxiety!  I guess the answer is to think before you act in every situation - compassion can reap great rewards whether you have anxiety or not, but only if it is embedded into every situation. 

Right, time to go back to attending to my man flu.

Best wishes
Al

Time to come off the meds?

As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I've been on beta blockers to stem severe anxiety attacks for a long period of time.  Overall, I would guess I've been on them for about four years, in two different spells.  Given I'm only 25, that's quite a long time.


These stop my heart from taking off


I haven't [touch wood] had any major anxiety attack now for a long time, and I'm pleased to say that my confidence in terms of certain situations, such as catching the train or any sort of public interaction, has improved greatly in the last 6-12 months.  I'm on 25mg which is the smallest dosage you can get (I've been on 50mg before on both occassions), but I take one everyday and have done so in this spell since April last year. 

But, given the above, one would argue that I can begin to wean myself off the beta blockers now.  By wean, I mean literally halve tablets, so that I take 12.5mg a day, on average.  I have a tablet cutter which is specifically designed to cut tablets into bits... Sounds ludicrous I appreciate.

The aim of course is, after a relatively short amount of time, to come off them completely.

What are the problems?  What do you think...

- I worry that by coming off them I'll be more 'prone' or vulnerable to an anxiety attack occurring...

- ...and should it do so, it will be more severe than if I were to be on the tablets because I haven't got that thing to stop my heart racing out of control.

- I'm also concerned that I will notice the effects from a health persepective that reducing the dosage might produce.  Hell, I have health anxiety, so I might even make up some physical discomforts that I will end up attributing to the medication reduction.  Needless to say this could also generate an anxiety attack.

I mean, I have anxiety, so something seemingly trivial becomes way over-analytical.

Let's turn this around for a second - instead of the above, this is what I should be thinking:

- I'm having the thought that I'll be more 'prone' or vulnerable to an anxiety attack occurring...

- I'm having the thought that an anxiety attack will be more severe than if I were to be on the tablets because I haven't got that thing to stop my heart racing out of control.

- I'm having the thought that I will notice the effects from a health persepective that reducing the dosage might produce. 

I've learnt, through therapy, that these things are merely concotions that I have formed inside my head and have no tangible basis.  It's only the thoughts that will make the above points more likely to become a reality. 

The other thing I learnt is not to concentrate on my heart rate.  I used to be obsessive when it came to checking my heart beat, and at any sign of 'danger' I used to automatically check how fast my heart was beating.  I certainly do it less now, and if I do find myself doing it I am more able to stop.  But it's certainly something that will help, and I need to work harder at it to make it a really powerful tool when I do reduce the meds. 

My main concern is that, whether it goes successfully or not, the process of coming off the meds will disrupt my life in a negative way, simply because of all the work that may have to go into making it a success in the first place... is it worth it? 

Hang on a minute...

I'm having the thought that, whether it goes successfully or not, the process of coming off the meds will disrupt my life in a negative way, simply because of all the work that may have to go into making it a success in the first place... is it worth it?

I think this phrase could apply to any negative predictive thoughts, couldn't it?

Anyway, I will no doubt report back on how it goes.

Best wishes

Al

English Bac Would Heighten Anxiety

I've been reading with interest recently the GCSE assessment shake-up proposed by Michael Gove which, if the same Government are in power, will take place in 2017.  To sum up, in the core subjects of English, maths and science, all current forms of assessment would be replaced by one long final exam, which would be weighted at 100% of the total GCSE grade.



They were this big...

Now, I have always been hopeless at exams.  For almost every subject I ever took, I always got a higher mark for the coursework than I got for the exam.  One of the main reasons for choosing the University degree that I took was because 95% of the total assessment was coursework/dissertation based, with only a measly 5% on two exams... both of which I did poorly in.  I got a third and a 2:2, but ended up with a 2:1 for my degree overall, which gives you an idea of how much better I am at coursework.  Had I had to take just exams at school, I probably wouldn't have got into Uni in the first place; had I had just exams at Uni, I certainly wouldn't have got a 2:1 and consequently, I wouldn't have the good job that I have today.  Fact.

Why is this though?  Basically because I strongly feel that exams are a greater test of your ability to work under pressure and to a time limit, rather than your ability to show your knowledge and clarity about a specific subject.  I'm not saying that exams are useless, because this ability to work under pressure can be a good thing, but if I had my way, I'd ensure that no module, whether it be at GCSE, A2 or degree level, would have no more than around 30% of the total mark weighted by exams.

And that's without factoring in anxiety.

At school and particularly for the Uni exams, I put severe pressure on myself during the build up to an exam; my anxiety symptoms became bad, increasing the likelihood of a panic attack, and my mind became a scrambled racing wreck.  My internal OCD that I mentioned on an earlier blog also meant that I was being forced to focus on other things aside from revision, the opposite of what I wanted. 

So not only did I enter an exam hall a gibbering wreck, but I was less able to capture all of my thoughts that I may need for an exam because my mind was racing at a million mph.  Moreover, because you had to be silent in an exam hall, there was extra pressure on me to make sure I had any potential panic attack quietly, without anyone else noticing... which of course is not easy. 

I managed to never have a major panic attack during an exam, but I remember having several at night-time during an exam period.  This, of course, affected me physically, it affected my ability to revise (again), and gave me less sleep than was required.  At one of the Uni exams, I remember that my OCD was playing me up so much that I couldn't concentrate on anything I was supposed to be writing (this is the one I got a third in); it wasn't long after this exam, I remember, that I went for counselling at the Uni itself.

This is bearing in mind that most modules, even in school, had at least a small element of coursework in addition to the exams, so I can only imagine that this anxiety that was already verging on severe, get worse if there was even more pressure to do well. 

I can appreciate the pitfalls of coursework; I know that plagiarism is an issue and that they are generally seen as being 'simpler' than exams.  But if you are a genuine person as most are, then it is a much less anxiety-producing way of assessing someone's knowledge of a certain subject.  It also does demonstrate a person's knowledge more than exams anyway, in my opinion.  Perhaps there should be some innovative ideas about how to police coursework better, I'm sure it could be done.

I appreciate that the Government and the exam boards can't let a small minority with anxiety dictate their policies, and moreover I appreciate you can't produce an 'anxiety-sufferers' version of an exam (although I'd be intrigued to know what this would entail!), but I strongly believe that having your education decided purely by one exam will make people with anxiety worse off, and also give more people anxiety who perhaps didn't have anxiety before. 

It doesn't make sense, especially when I believe that exams are a poor way of showcasing an individual's knowledge of a subject anyway.  I'm just glad I left school when I did...

Best wishes

Al