I have always had an interesting relationship with sleep. Needless to say, by 'interesting' I don't mean particularly positive and also needless to say, a lot of the reasons I have had said an 'interesting' relationship is due to anxiety.
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| Cats don't have this problem |
When I was at school in particular, I used to get frequent panic attacks. The vast majority of these, probably 90% or more, happened not long after I'd gone to bed and it is hardly surprising that they kept me awake for a long time after the worst of it had past. Couple this with the fact that I've always been an early riser, for as long as I remember, you get a total of not too many hours sleep. I think what made me fall asleep in the end during a night of panic was sheer exhaustion. So overall, whilst lack of sleep didn't seem to cause a problem for many other people whilst I was at school, it was certainly an issue for me; albeit overshadowed by the more severe symptoms of anxiety (not just panic attacks, but health anxiety, food issues, confidence etc etc).
Today, despite the overall removal of panic attacks from my life, I still have an interesting experience with sleeping. Interesting meaning the same thing as before, to clarify. Take last night as an example.
> I went to bed at 23:30. This is quite a bit later than normal, but then it was a weekend night so I didn't have to get up in the morning.
> Went to sleep quite quickly, but woke up not long after unsure as to whether I'd gone to sleep or not.
> Stirred for a while, not properly asleep, I would guess until about 01:00
> Woke at 05:00 almost exactly. I got pissed off, because although waking at 05:00 is normal for me, when I don't have to get up AND when I went to bed later than normal, it was very annoying. Of course, getting pissed off about being awake is not helpful (see later points).
> Vaguely drifted off briefly sometime between 06:30 and 07:15 and got up not too much after that.
As a consequence of all this, it was difficult to determine exactly how many hours of sleep I'd got, although I wager somewhere around five hours. I would say that this is slightly lower than average for me; I usually wake up at 05:00 or thereabouts, but go to bed around 22:15 on a work night (and on any weekend night where I'm not doing anything worth staying up for).
I've learnt to tolerate about six to six and a half hours of fairly unbroken sleep a night. That isn't bad you might say, but when it's rare that you get more than that it's not brilliant. The fact that I often struggle to stay awake between about 13:00 and 17:00 on any given afternoon is a clear indication of the fact it isn't enough. I'm 28 years old, not 78.
But nevertheless, if I get six to six and a half hours sleep, I'm tolerantly satisfied. Seven hours is a bonus. Anything more is a once a year event. Unusually, I went out with friends for my birthday two weeks ago and didn't go to bed until 03:00. I still woke up at 07:00.
So why is this? Well first and foremost, I've had problems in the past with the following anxiety-fuelled mind loop:
I notice I can't sleep >>> I start drifting off to sleep >>> My mind notices I've started drifting off to sleep and in noticing I wake up again >>> I get annoyed and frustrated >>> I can't sleep >>> I start drifting off to sleep >>> and go again.
Sometimes this happens as a one off; in these cases, it takes me hours and hours trying to get to sleep, getting more and more frustrated about not sleeping, until eventually I get to sleep at something like 04:30. And then wake up at 6. There have been a smattering of one hour nights in the past. On one occasion, after I first moved into my first (hole of a) shared house in 2012, this happened to varying extents for months on end, and it was starting to affect me severely by the end. Fortunately I managed to arrest the problem just as it started becoming quite a serious issue.
I blame anxiety and my small OCD (Pure-O, Weird-O, whatever you want to call it) traits for this as well; I've had mind loops on numerous occasions with things in the past, and this is one example. All, of course, are part of the overall anxiety / mental health package.
But I wouldn't say that this is a chronic problem, yet I often still sleep poorly and wake up early. Why? The other reasons are less unusual. Firstly, environmental factors play an important role; they fuelled the 2012 example I gave above. This time of year is a nightmare for me. Who decided that it should get light at 03:30? I can live with it getting dark at 22:30 because I'm only usually just going to bed. But as soon as it gets so light I wake up. You've heard the expression 'out like a light.' I'm up with the light. I'm like a bird (wasn't that a song?)
Then there is the heat of course. I dislike the heat for numerous reasons, but sleeping is probably the biggest reason I don't like it. You can put a thick blanket on, or thick PJs, or switch the heating on when it's cold. But what can you do bar strip when it's hot? Unless you are privileged enough to have air con, not a lot.
Then there is noise. Noise wakes me up - OK, so no news there, but the problem I have is when a noise wakes me up, I then can't get back to sleep again. I stay awake expecting to hear it again. Noises have caused me to wake up and have a panic attack in the past, particularly if I don't know what the noise was. The last few weeks in my recent shared house generated problems of this nature.
The other thing that keeps me awake is, of course, other things 'on my mind.' When people without an anxiety condition say 'I've got a lot on mind,' I fail to have a huge amount of sympathy. Anxious people always have a lot on their mind, most of it irrational, most of it absurd, but all of it seeming perfectly feasible - even more so at night, when you're in a slight slumber and when you have nothing to do to take your mind off it. So what sort of thoughts keep me awake? They could be genuine worries, of course, but they could be utter trash, the sort that by day wouldn't seem like an issue - unless you thought about it too much, then you'd get anxious again.
Solutions?
So what have been my solutions, or perhaps more accurately small steps, to help combat this constant life of zombified nonsense? Few and far between, for you see, when I am lying there having one of those nights where I struggle to sleep at all, I don't get up and read or do something to potentially take my mind off it - no, I lie there getting more and more irritated about not sleeping, leading, of course, to a lower likelihood of falling asleep.
That said, I have done some basic things, such as:
- Keep my room as cold as possible. I need to get a TRV (control for my radiator) fitted in my bedroom in my new house so that, in winter, I can put my radiator off but keep the rest of them on if required. I'm happy if my room temperature is 15-18 degrees. I can sleep in the cold, I can't sleep when I'm too hot. Hence - recently has been very unpleasant. It was 26 in my room on Wednesday evening last week, and at my parents house due to various unfortunate circumstances I once recorded 31 degrees in my bedroom there. I started to baste myself in my own sweat to stay cool (OK I didn't, but there's some imagery that won't leave you for a while).
- Wear ear plugs. These have been a life-saver. I have to shove them in quite far to make a significant difference, but they do keep out most noises, including normal traffic noise, birds and other noises. Bassy noises they struggle with, but overall a high recommendation. Just don't shove them in too far (I couldn't get one out one morning for 20 minutes; there was blood and all sorts - I just about managed to retrieve it in the end, but the anxiety that was produced outweighed the impact of the ear plugs... anyway, there's another image to take your mind off the sweaty one). Ear plugs may feel uncomfortable at first but you get used to them. Wash them often and buy a large pack of them from Boots.
- Wear an eye mask - also known as a glorified blindfold. This does help in light rooms at light times of year - the biggest problem with it is that it makes my face sweat when it's hot, so I can't wear it at the moment as it wakes me up anyway. And of course, when is it at it's hottest? When it's light in the early hours. So it only has limited effectiveness, but it can be useful when it's cool and light.
- Put blackout blinds / curtains up. Again, effect is limited but worthwhile. At my new house, I have cream blinds in every room. They look good, but are as useful for keeping out light as a bladeless lawnmower would be for cutting the grass. So I purchased a cheap black blind from Wilkos that sticks to the top of the window and pulls down. You can also get a proper job done and get lined curtains. The problem with any of these is that the light still gets through the edges of the blinds, so again the effect is limited - but better than nothing.
- Block clocks. What do I mean by this? I used to have a red digital display clock that, as soon as woke up, meant I could see the time. This isn't helpful, because again when it read something like 02:37, I used to get frustrated that it wasn't four hours later, and thus this kept me awake. So now I've got rid of any clocks you can see without at least pushing a button. A television box I've recently bought for my new room had such a clock, which I've since stuck a sticker over the top of so you can't see it! Again, the effect of this is only limited, because you have a reasonable idea of the time by the light levels. I love the odd morning at this time of year when it's still quite dark so you assume it's 4am, only to find the weather is crap making it look earlier when it's actually 6am! Little things in the world of anxious sleep...
Note that the above solutions are all helping to combat the more environmental factors. Some of the CBT techniques I learnt for my general anxiety condition have helped a little towards other psychological sleep issues, but overall my tackling of what my mind thinks about at night and how I deal with lack of sleep is still not good. As stupid as this sounds, but I'd tolerate not sleeping a great deal a lot more if only I could deal with it better... There may be other things I could try as well, like drinking chamomile tea before bed.
Talking of drinking, worryingly drinking alcohol before bed is the only thing that (so far) has guaranteed me to go to sleep quite quickly. It doesn't necessarily prevent me from waking up early (or feeling well), but as a solution to falling asleep... well...
Sleep is a major inconvenience for me. Granted, it's better than being an almost guaranteed panic attacked-fuelled experience like it was years ago, but even still today, it often causes me more exhaustion than being awake does... go figure. I'd certainly be interested if anyone reading this has found a good solution to sleeping well (that doesn't involve meds, or a hammer).
So, when the next person that says to me on the day the clocks go back 'ooh, an extra hour in bed,' forgive me if I punch them in the face.
Best wishes
Al
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