But I'm sorry to say that anxiety has taken over.
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| This apparently depicts 'flatmates' |
Naturally, the morning of day 1 I was feeling anxious but controllably so; it was more of a 'nervous' feeling with a bit extra. My parents and I arrived at the house early afternoon, and as soon as they left a wave of unbearable depression came over me. I don't use the term 'anxiety' lightly and I wouldn't use the term 'depression' lightly either. I'm grateful that I have never had long-term depression, and I can't begin to imagine what feeling like this long-term can be like. But it is definitely depression; I had it when I moved to the previous house at first too, but this time I was less prepared for it, because I was meant to look forward to this move.
But I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised. I was there, on my own, entering an unknown world which could go incredibly well or incredibly badly (because everything seems black and white in these situations). I was on the verge of tears whilst unpacking and wondering why I was doing this to myself. I went shopping which was a tedious exercise but at least meant I was occupied. Not too long after I got back, I spoke to a new housemate who is very nice and good to get along with, and then my friend arrived. This improved things a bit for obvious distraction reasons, but then it was time for food.
Food and me, as I'm sure I'll have explained before, don't get along. If I get remotely anxious, I struggle to eat. It usually happens when I go out, but of course, living in a new place this is effectively eating out. I ate in the communal area but struggled to eat the food; I managed about half before I decided it wasn't worth struggling any more. I confided in my mate which also helped - I've learnt to talk about the hard times to trusted people - and I also emailed another friend, and this has helped. Getting all the support that I can at times like this is vital. Being open is a crucial part of getting through moments like this.
Then a night of poor sleep occurred. The first time I woke up I was in panic mode; breathing was very difficult and if I hadn't been so emotionally exhausted it could have spiralled into something worse, but I ended up falling asleep again after a while. I woke up 3 more times before waking up for the final time. I expected a poor night's first sleep in a new place so this didn't bother me, but that empty, lonely feeling still hadn't gone away.
What didn't help is that I had to do a presentation for work at 9am yesterday morning - day 2. It also involved travelling by train, but it was only 20 minutes away so I managed to get through this with few problems. I was still exhausted so in a perverse way this may have helped.
The presentation was 30 minutes and on my only specialist subject; it turned out that this 30 minutes was the best I'd felt all day and best I've felt since. Presentations used to be another source of anxiety, or at best an anxiety amplifier, but this one actually seemed to help, possibly because I was focused on a subject I'm comfortable with and it atmosphere seemed quite 'relaxed.' The rest of the day at work was fine, even better was the two hours after it which was spent catching up with a friend who I hadn't seen for ages, who was at the conference at which I did the aforementioned presentation.
Going back to the house was tolerable at this time; the new housemate was there and we had a bit of a chat, and my mate then came back so we obviously caught up. Dinner was still difficult though; my tolerance towards food declines as I cook it, and by the time it comes to eating it I don't feel good. Telling my mate about it took the pressure off though, which did help. The rest of the evening, I still felt low but it was manageable.
Day 3 - swimming, then work which was fine. I ate lunch with work friends and perhaps unsurprisingly this went well. I was comfortable! I was fine in the office for the rest of the day too, but then as I approached the house, that same wave of depression came over me again, followed by another difficult teatime.
Unhelpfully, I keep asking myself 'why should I be feeling like this?' So far, it's been very difficult. My anxiety and mental health problems of 16+ years is really testing me. I've been through enough of these feelings already in my life to last me more than one full lifetime, and if nothing else I'm just fed up with it now. I expected this to test me, actually I hoped it would, but not to the extent of this.
I appreciate it's early days, and that's what I keep telling myself. This could still be the best move I've ever made, and could really fulfil my life and in time, reduce my anxiety.
But moving in with the intention of meeting more people has ironically made me feel more alone at the moment. This is the biggest test of how far I've come for a long time. I will no doubt update this blog with how things go.
Best wishes
Al
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