Social Anxiety and Confidence

So this blog links with the ones that have gone previously - this moving out lark really is testing my social anxiety and my confidence generally. 

Let me start by saying that this is a good thing; I am glad that I am being tested because this is what I need to build my confidence and develop me as a person.  It's about time; I'm 26 years old now and I need to be able to move forward with my life from a social perspective and finally break out of this anxious prison.

I sometimes wear full body lycra to hide myself

This new life that I have now found upon, thanks to lots of trying to find a suitable place to live, is now over 3 weeks old and although it is still far too soon to judge how this will pan out, I am pleased to report that the people who I'm living with are certainly making my life more sociable than it was previously.  But this, of course, is where the test comes in.  

In social situations, I have been known to change as a person.  This isn't something I do on purpose, but it is something that I do simply because my confidence flies out the window.  I agree with anything that others say.  I laugh uncomfortably.  I think a lot of it is fear of offending someone, or fear of looking boring by not really knowing or caring what someone is talking about.  I also hate under any circumstances to sound like I'm bragging, and I feel like this even if someone has asked me what achievements I have.  I talk them down as though they aren't significant just so I don't appear this way.

What doesn't help is that I just don't think I've been in enough social situations over time to have helped me learn what to do.  I often struggle to know what to say and have my own self-struggle which is to make myself sound interesting or be funny.  Why is 'being myself' so difficult?  I think it's because of my desperation to finally fit in and be accepted in a social situation, and to potentially bring things up that other people may find boring or uninteresting or strange I still deem too risky in my quest to fit in.  But how I can possibly make up in my own head what is boring or strange anyway?  Confident people tell other people, however well they know them, all about themselves, whether the recipient finds it 'interesting' or not.  So why can't I?

I've also noticed myself laughing at things other people say, usually when I don't really understand what they are talking about. This is effectively a defence mechanism so that I appear interested.  

This is in contrast to how I am with my friends... very relaxed (well, as relaxed or indeed RELAXED (see a recent blog) as I can be) and myself which is crucial.  Of course, this is the case for most people; you are naturally more relaxed and open with people you know better etc.  But I over-analyse every other contact I have with everyone else, everything said.  I dwell on anything I feel may have either offended someone else or where I feel I've looked stupid or arrogant.  It plays on my mind for such a long time afterwards.

Is this all part of social anxiety?  It would make sense if this over-analysis was part of anxiety, as it is largely irrational which, of course, is what anxiety is.  It's also true that I often walk around on eggshells if I'm with other people who I'm not comfortable with - that's what happened when I moved into the new house, and indeed still does at time.  This of course raises anxiety levels generally.

I need to learn to be comfortable and confident in myself, something very difficult after spending years struggling with anxiety and the huge negative impact it has on self-esteem and confidence in the first place.  And of course, like the chicken and the egg, it's quite feasible that a low self-esteem, whatever the reason for it manifesting, helped emphasise the anxiety in the first place.

I appreciate this is more of a ramble than a blog, but sometimes it's difficult to get thoughts down coherently.  Maybe next time there'll be less bla bla bla bla.... bla [laugh uncomfortably]

Best wishes
Al