Are You Taking the Piss?

I suppose I have always known this, but being under confident as a child has dramatically affected my general mental health development; by that, I mean it has exacerbated my anxiety.  I've spent years, unnecessarily really, trying to work out whether anxiety has caused my low self-esteem and lack of confidence, or whether it's the other way round.  I'm still not certain, but I think it is the other way round, by and large.  I remember my first counselling stint was when I was in year 6 and I remember my whole primary school life was dominated by... other people, in that I was quite lonely and said very little compared to other more 'dominating' characters.

Music is one of things people take the piss out of me about

Don't get me wrong, I had friends - one of whom I'm still friends with now, 22 years on - but overall I was very under-confident and scared of anything challenging.  I cried a lot more than I should have and couldn't cope if my self-created (or indeed, parental-created) bubble got penetrated by something.  It carried on into high school and I only really started to gain any sort of confidence in 6th form, when I was 16.  Even then, I was lower on confidence in terms of public speaking and general interaction with people who weren't my friends.  Sufficient is it to say that I struggled whenever I was encountered by someone with more confidence than me - which is most people.

At Uni, I remember doing a presentation with someone who is the opposite to me.  He took over completely and I didn't have the confidence to make any suggestions.  I was, I don't exaggerate when I say this, frightened of interjecting or suggesting something alternative.  Unintentionally (or maybe not, after he realised I was like this) he was bullying me.  It wasn't his fault, but that's how low my confidence was.  Even if I had ideas, I wouldn't dare express them. 

This was the same throughout school.  If the teacher asked a question that I knew the answer to, I'd never volunteer the answer.  

Today, I'm obviously a lot more confident as a person, as you naturally become when you get older, but there are still certain situations where I struggle.  Usually, this is around males my sort of age, who gradually in this day and age are becoming more confident that they were, and so leaving people like me behind.

The problem was this - because I was not confident, I was an easy target for people to take the rise out of.  I often feel, due to increasing sensitivity as a result of all this, that everything I have done in my life has been done under scrutiny and if it is seen as 'abnormal' I get taken the piss out of.  Because I'm not a guy who goes to the gym, drinks beer every night or enjoys things like paintballing or skiing, I'm seen as abnormal.  People insist on making comments about this and, because my self-esteem has taken so many knocks over the years, it results in me not being able to adequately defend myself, resulting in the person who has taken the piss out of me, to do it again and again.

It's just little things really, people asking me 'why do you do that' rather than just accepting it.  I might think 'why do you do that' about people, but I don't say it to them and just accept that it's something they want to do and move on.  Apparently it's not a two-way street... I've always had people questioning my decisions, my personality and hobbies, which is fine to an extent, but it always has an accusing tone to it.  Couple with my lack of confidence and inability to respond and defend myself, the person feels they can do it again, and so it goes on. 
 
Needless to say, the more piss taken I have to endure, the lower my confidence is.

And all this piss taking and me being over sensitive and having a lack of confidence to respond results naturally in anxiety, especially when you've had to put up with it for years and years.  I am getting better at not caring about what other people think, but I do find it difficult.  I still find it difficult to defend myself when it comes to other people, again especially lads my sort of age, but as I said, I am getting a little better at rising above it.  

But if I've taken these remarks to heart for so many years, it's little wonder I have anxiety.  I am embarrassed of certain elements of my personality because you never know what I'm going to be scrutinised about next.  Needless to say this is an anxious experience, especially when you go through it for years, and I do wonder whether years of being wrapped in a protective bubble has resulted in these years of lack of self-esteem and consequently much of my anxiety.  It could indeed be the root cause, but this of course could also be unnecessary speculation.  

Best wishes
Al

#TimetoTalk day tomorrow

It's Time to Talk day tomorrow, the national campaign being run by the Time to Change campaign, an initiative set up by charities Mind and Rethink Mental Illness.  Tomorrow aims to start a million conversation about mental health; to quote the programme:

#TimetoTalk

"Whether you're going to an event, running your own activity or sharing information online, you can help start a million mental health conversations. Find out more: www.time-to-change.org.uk/talkday."

Well I'm sharing information online, as per this blog that I've now been running for about a year and a half.  I wish I had more time to maintain it properly and push it out more into the public realm, but my job, faff and tiredness generally seem to get in the way.  

If you stumble across this blog on time to talk day, then please have a read of some of my previous posts, which aim to share my experiences of living with anxiety and my general opinions around the subject of mental health.  

I hope you have #TimetoTalk tomorrow and help push this wonderful campaign as much as possible.

Best wishes
Al

Save the date - 6th February

You may have heard that 6th February is Time to Talk Day, which, in short, is a day designated to talk about mental health.  It is the first day that I can recall where a group of charities have got together to raise the profile of de-stigmatising issues surrounding mental health.  This is the day where you can have a conversation about it, whether it be with a friend or family member, or even someone you know who perhaps doesn't know about your experiences with mental health.  That is the biggest challenge, and ultimately what the aim of the day should be.  

Save the date

It's so refreshing and reassuring that the Time to Change campaign is grabbing the stigma that still exists in society by the scruff of the neck.  

I have always found it difficult to talk about my experiences with anxiety.  In getting my new job, at no point have I brought up anxiety or the journey I've been on.  I hate it, but I still think 'what if they judge me by it' or 'what if they think that I can't do the job?'  All this, really, is me stigmatising other people rather than the way round, or at least, being prejudice by assuming the people in the team won't understand it or will form opinions around it.  But the fact that I am feeling this is the problem - experiencing a mental health problem should be something that people can talk about and, even if the recipient of your experiences do not understand what you have been through, they should at least not judge you by it.  But the fact I assume they will is wrong.

But is the potential impact on my job worth telling them?  Just in case my prejudice reaction is the right reaction?  Because again, that's just it - you don't know.  

There are only a select few people who I have talked to about my experiences.  The vast majority of them have also experienced some level of mental health problem too, which is perhaps unsurprising.  But even to this day I have only ever told people I vehemently trust and who I'm closest to.  It usually takes me years of knowing someone before I tell them, unless I'm left with no choice as was the case once at work when I had a panic attack and had no choice but to tell my boss.  Needless to say, it went well.

So the more people who talk about it, the better.  The more people who show the minority that mental health problems are normal and are something that many people experience the better.  We aren't unusual or abnormal.  We are strong, powerful individuals who, despite experiencing times of hell, have come out the other side to fight another day.  

So it truly is #TimetoTalk, to show the world what we're made of.

Bring on February 6th.

Best wishes
Al

The New Job

So, my new job starts tomorrow.  As is usual with big changes like this, my mind is doing its level best to make things more difficult for me, primarily at the moment in the way of lack of sleep, something which I've experienced before.  One of the biggest mental health successes of the Christmas break was a string of nights where I achieved - and I class it as an achievement - over seven hours sleep a night. In fact only two nights come to mind where I got less than six hours, which for me is very unusual.  

I like cats... the only reason for this image

The past week, on the other hand, six hours would have been bliss.  Last night was the best night I've had for a while; previous nights were either absurd waking up times (03:30 being the best example) or staying awake for getting on for a couple of hours after going to bed. It's no coincidence that this happens before big events.  I remember the week before I first moved out of home back in Spring 2012 I slept like an idiot all the week before.  It happened to a lesser extent when I moved into this current house, and it's happened the night before certain events in the past too.  You might think this is an obvious observation, but after all the anxiety training I have had, I tend to try and avoid over-analysing forthcoming changes, but this obviously manifests in a more sub-conscious way.  I think, at least in part, the sequence goes something like this:

[I need to sleep well this week before the big change, lest I sleep poorly during that]
[More pressure to sleep]
[I don't sleep]

So it actually becomes about the sleeping rather than about the event.  In conclusion, the main thing that keeps me awake?  Thinking about not sleeping.

At this stage, I have absolutely no idea what I'm feeling about tomorrow's change.  I had my leaving do on Friday (preceded by a poor night's sleep) at which I got surprisingly emotional after all the lovely things people said about me and all the gifts they gave me.  It makes you think 'why am I doing this? Why should I rock the boat?'  

Why?  Well obviously to further my career, which ultimately is what I'm hoping this new job will do.  But from an anxiety perspective, a bit like when I decided to go for the interview and move into this current house, it is a real test for me, one where I can really set myself a benchmark in terms of how far I've come.  

People are so influential in my life, and needless to say moving away from some of the people at my old job is the hardest part about leaving.  But, as I've said before, I'm not the sort of person to move on from somewhere and forget about the people that were part of it.  That's part of the reason many of my best friends are from my schooldays; one I've known for 13 years, two for nearly 15 and one for 21.  And I know I will make the effort to keep in touch with those people at my old job who I can class as friends and this may even mean that changing jobs will improve my social life, rather than worsen it, on the possibility of more evening gatherings.

And of course, there is the opportunity to meet more people over time in this new job. But of course, more immediately, there are new anxiety-testing challenges that await. A change of routine.  A daily train commute, something I couldn't have even considered a couple of years ago.  Less time for 'relaxing' (probably a good thing).  A change that, whilst significant in anybody's life, would probably not be groundbreaking.  It is for me.  Then of course, there's the pressure of the actual job itself. In my previous job, I started as an unpaid work experience student, with no-one expecting anything from me.  Now, I'm expected to be good right from the start, and this of course adds to the pressure.  It's a fine line becoming stressed and letting this turn into anxiety.  

So it is all about putting my techniques to the test.  Putting into practice everything I've learnt to help me combat anxiety; breathing, being organised, rationalisation etc.  And, of course, knowing I've got help out there if I need it.

To finish, I'd like to share with you a story about my last day at work.  Along with getting emotional and an overwhelming sense of warmness from so many people, I had a very interesting conversation with one of my good friends in the office, asking me advice about a situation someone close to her is experiencing.  It was mostly around what help is out there; I, of course, pointed out the charities Mind and Anxiety UK and well as my experiences with webcam therapy, and I also went into the types of anxiety I have experienced, quite openly.  It's shame it took until the last day to have such a conversation with anyone at work, but still it was better late than never and I hope I helped a little.  But again, overall, the day reminded me of the power of people and how important it is to stay close to them.

I will endeavour to keep this blog up to date with the new job and how it affects me.  For now, we enter into ventures unknown...

Best wishes
Al

Christmas with Anxiety

I love Christmas, mainly because for me it brings a time of social activity and general traditions which I'm quite fond of.  The social activity comes about because many friends reside around my home town for a couple of weeks either side of Christmas Day and this allows me to keep my mind active by enjoying some days and nights with people I enjoy spending time with.  It rarely inflicts social anxiety as I am comfortable with people I know, so, gladly, that doesn't really come into it.

Santa isn't as I imagined him... her

The vast majority of my annual leave is taken either side of Christmas so that I can enjoy these days without having to worry about work.  I have moved back to my parents for the duration too, as family are of course important at this time of year, even if they do drive you to distraction.  

So far, I've been to different pubs with different friends on different evenings, been clubbing as part of the work Christmas do, been for a walk with a friend, a coffee and just generally caught up with 'my people.'  

But there are also two real challenges for me at this time of year amongst all of the joviality, both of which tend to intensify as the holiday goes on. 

The first is the battle of depression.  Now, as I've specified on this blog before, I don't suffer from depression and cannot claim to imagine what people who have chronic depression must go through.  In fact, I risk insulting people who have depression here by calling what I experience 'depression,' when in reality it only scratches the surface of what a chronic depression sufferer experiences.  However, there have been times when I get depressed (such as when I first moved into my shared house) but [touches wood] this has only ever lasted for a short time.  For the sake of this discussion, I shall call it 'feeling low' rather than depression henceforth.

Staving off feeling low is difficult.  This is a time when you actively see young couples - my age, and moreover, people I know - flourishing.  The world of social media doesn't help with this, as people these days post pictures of their happy lives and all the gifts they have received from their loved one.  But it's everywhere; nowadays, I have to consider what my friends are doing with their partners to fit them into my social schedule.  Then, of course, you hear all about 'them' as a couple when you meet with them.  Christmas brings this out even more than normal.

Whilst it is difficult for me to attribute any 'blame' for not being in a relationship (and indeed there is difficulty around the whole concept of 'blaming' anxiety for anything), I am in no doubt that my experiences with anxiety and the effects it has had on, for example, self-esteem has, at the very least, contributed to my lack of success in a relationship.  And now I'm at an age where I'd love to be in a committed relationship, I get very low when I start, as is human nature, comparing myself with others who have got a strong, happy relationship.  I am extremely negative when it comes to relationships and my future prospects, which I appreciate is something I need to work on, but the Christmas period really doesn't help with this and the more exposure I have to people - especially friends - being in happy relationships, the harder it is to fight off that sense of 'lowness.' 

Another factor to add into this is my family.  As I may have mentioned before, I have a tiny family (in terms of numbers not height).  Most of the people I know have a least one or two days seeing the rest of the family; grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, brothers and sisters.  I have none of this whatsoever.  My only other family bar my parents live 65 and 75 miles away respectively, and this only resembles five individuals.  I sometimes wish I had a larger family, because despite all of the annoyances that they can cause, it would at least offer some more social buzz, and I do get a bit low when I hear of what my friends get up to at 'family Christmas gatherings.'  The only positive to not having a larger family is that I don't get people asking me 'why am I not in a relationship?', or least making the insinuation.  Not to my face, anyway.

I also think my life could have been a lot richer and potentially more anxiety-free if I'd had a bigger family around me all my life, even if it was just a brother or sister.  This is pure and (frankly) pointless speculation of course, but I do ponder on this sometimes.

The second difficulty with Christmas is a direct anxiety related one.  One thing I can't cope with is too much time with not enough mind occupation.  Work occupies my mind sufficiently for most of the year and consequently, the nasty thoughts that can clog up my mind when it's less occupied don't appear to often.  Having an occupied mind can also stave away things like health anxiety; pains and discomforts that occur when I'm at work tend to go quicker as I have been focusing my mind more and there's almost no room in the box of thoughts left for rubbish.  This hasn't always been the case in the past, but CBT has helped me focus on my life rather than the aforementioned rubbish.  

However, when I'm off work for over two weeks, my mind is emptier.  For example, I spent Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day in almost sole company of my parents, doing very little.  A trip to town on Christmas Eve and a walk on Boxing day morning totalled my time out of the house in these three days totalled about four hours out of over 72 in total.  This does allow for some much needed relaxation, and I also make sure I plan my time even when I'm in the house and/or on my own.  But the activities I undertake do not occupy my mind half as much as when I am at work for 40 hours each week, thus allowing other thoughts and the aforementioned 'bad thought intensification' to filter through.

This mind space can also intensify the first point around feeling low; I have more time to dwell on this as I have less to focus on.  The social events make up for this to an extent, but even a day without any such activity can really have a negative impact on me.  All of this, of course, heightens anxiety and the outputs of it, in terms of panic and stress.

And of course, being in a relationship would allow for less 'emptier' times in the first place, so both of these negatives go hand in hand.

So Christmas is a time when I really need to work hard to get a balance between being able to enjoy and appreciate the temporary richer social life and relaxation from work, but to not let this be spoilt by filling up my mind with anxiety-inducing thoughts.  The next few days, up to New Year's Day, could be quite hard, as I will be unoccupied for most of it.  But fortunately the last few days of the holiday, up until when I return to work on the 6th January, are comparatively full from a social perspective, so hopefully this will allow me to clear my mind from these negative thoughts as well as preventing new ones from infiltrating.

And then two weeks later, I start my new job...

I hope you all had a brilliant Christmas and here's to a fantastic 2014.

Best wishes
Al

The Job Interview

First of all, my apologies for not writing a blog for nearly a month.  The last few weeks have proved to be very busy and interesting for one main reason: I have a new job.  

My first day?

To refresh on the context, I have been working at my current employment since September 2008, so over five years.  In that time, I have been able to maximise my position; when I first started, I admit that the work I did, both amount and quality, was not enough to justify my salary (OK, the first four months was unpaid, but I mean most of say 2009).  However in the past year, it's been the opposite, and most of what I do is at a grade (or more, in some cases) higher.  I appreciate this is the case for most people, but in my case it's largely my fault.  I chose to specialise in a specific area and this has led me to regional and national conferences and showcasing work to various people.

And overall, I really enjoy my job.  When you take away all the rubbish that comes of working in a large organisation - like words I don't understand and hierarchy for example - the actual projects I've been working on have been really interesting and they have allowed me to flourish.  From an anxiety perspective, my confidence has been boosted through doing several presentations and forcing myself to speak to people who may have once made me uncomfortable.  I went through a particularly difficult time in 2011 (see previous blogs) which, although not caused by work, affected it but gladly I managed to get through that with time.  And particularly in the past year to 18 months, I feel I have made some good achievements outside the boundaries of my original remit.  

But of course, the one thing I will miss more than anything are some of the people.  People in such a large, and such a continuously restructured organisation come and go like taxis down a high street, but there have been some mainstays and some whom I can now call friends.  One of the biggest characters I have met is also leaving imminently, so in a way the timing of my moving on is a good one. But there will still be some great people that I will leave behind... some not so great granted, but these are well outweighed.

So if all is so rosy, why even look to change, especially given the fact that there aren't many jobs floating around at the moment?  Well firstly, this particular job that came up is for an organisation that I have worked with before and who I admire; I know a couple of the people there (which as we all know may have, at least in part, helped me get the job in the first place) and they are very nice.  Secondly, working for this organisation will give me better prospects, I believe, to continue working and progressing in my particular field.  In terms of pay, there's about a £1k increase but the commute will negate this so it'll be about the same.

But the main reason I've decided to apply and accept this job is because I need to challenge myself.  I initially applied thinking "I'd hope to get an interview, but I would be surprised if I got the job."  However, it was still worth applying because I'd never have a proper interview before, and as someone with anxiety this is a daunting situation.  So I felt, initially, that I needed to test myself with an interview, get some experience and most importantly, test my anxiety.

"Because at the end of the day, the interview itself isn't daunting. It's the anxiety I may have to face that's the hard part."

So i got the interview - immediate stomach churning when I heard - and luckily only had about five days to prepare for it.  I say luckily, because the longer I'd have had to prepare, the longer I would have had for rumination, thus heightening the anxiety.  So I worked on this five minute presentation I had to give, went through my covering letter and went through things that I didn't want them to ask, so as to prepare accordingly.  

The interview time was 2:40pm.  I wished it was 9:40am or something, to get it out of the way!  But I had to live with this, so I went to work that morning, simply because I needed to take my mind off it as best as I could.  Along with this, I had to put my anxiety-alleviating techniques to the test. Simple things like:

- Making only a few people aware of the interview, to take the pressure off - but enough people so that I can call them up if I needed assistance.
- Take anything with me that might help, e.g. my tablet (not to write blogs though!!), a newspaper, sugary foods and snacks, mp3 player etc.
- Focus on other people, what they are doing and saying... whilst trying not to be stalker-ish.
- Prepare logistics, e.g. train times etc so that I don't get stressed about anything like this.

I got to the interview venue about ten minutes early, and was called in ten minutes late - that total of 20 minutes was the hardest.  For the whole day, I'd felt physically challenged shall we say, but I'd always had things and techniques to occupy myself with.  That 20 minutes, sitting in their reception, I had to just wait.  Little to occupy my mind or my eyes.  I was just about able to focus on my breathing, but this was difficult at times.  

Then the moment of the interview - a small room, with three people sitting opposite me with papers and pens.  Two of them I knew, one I didn't... but knowing them didn't really help me at the time; if anything it made things worse.  I felt tight but most importantly in control, and managed to go through my presentation and interview well.  By the end I felt good, partially in relief that I'd done it and the anxiety was over but also because I felt that I did as good as I could have done.  The fact that I got the job, in this respect, was almost irrelevant on the basis that I went into the interview and, despite some (comparatively, compared to what I would have felt in years past) minor anxiety beforehand, came through it with relative ease.  

I found out I got the job the day after, which I was still surprised at.  I would have thought that at least one other person applying would have had more experience or been able to bullshit more than me.  Perhaps this is an organisation who liked me for me - I was my usual self during the interview, very incorporate and approachable (I hope!) - rather than an unnatural 'talk the talk' type person, which I can't do.  In my experience, people who do the latter often get jobs, but hopefully it's a good sign that this organisation employed someone who isn't like this - i.e., me.  

Granted, general experience is as much of a reason I could say the following statement.  But a couple of years ago, I couldn't have even considered applying for this job, because I would have been in no fit state to go to an interview from an anxiety perspective.  Yes I still had some anxiety, but it was almost - almost - a 'normal' amount of anxiety, i.e. that most people without a chronic condition would have experienced.  The main success came via rationalisation, something that sounds so blindingly obvious but is often so hard to put into practice.  

OK, so I'm in a position where, if I'd not have got this job, or more importantly, if I couldn't have gone through with the interview, it wouldn't have mattered because I still have a job to go back to.  The pressure was therefore not as high as what it could be for some people who are starting out.  But even still, such basic techniques that I've learnt from over 50+ sessions of CBT have helped me turn what would have not so long ago been an impossible, almost dangerous challenge to one I achieved with comparative calm and, ultimately, success. 

I suppose in summary, I am advocating talking therapy and showing that it can help you achieve things in life that many people take for granted.  That's one thing I'm not doing here.

Of course, the challenge for me has only just begun.  The new job itself will bring about new challenges.  The work itself, for one, meeting new people, for two, a daily hour-long train journey, for three... and most of all, this is the first job that I am expected to go into knowing what I'm doing.  So the pressure will be on, and it's up to me to handle that using the same and other techniques that I have learnt.  I will no doubt keep this blog up to date with progress.

My other fear is losing some of the people I have met.  As I've said before, the power of other people and friends in helping to indirectly alleviate anxiety is massive and leaving some of them behind will be hard, especially as I will be working in a much smaller organisation where the opportunity to meet people will be more limited.  But again, it's up to me to take control and ensure that this doesn't happen by keeping in touch with people and making the effort with new ones. Who knows, this could be the best move I've ever made and, either way, it's certainly a challenge I need to undertake for my own development.

Best wishes
Al

Talking about Talking Therapies

On the odd occasion that someone asks me about my experiences with talking therapies, I can never just give a short, straight answer (you'll be delighted to know).  My chronic anxiety has led me down various talking therapy avenues in my life, usually at the lowest points when I just couldn't handle the condition on my own anymore.  They have all given me different experiences. 

I've had five separate talking therapy sessions in the past, all for various different elements of anxiety, that temporally go something like this:

·              NHS counselling: 1997

·              University counselling: 2006

·              NHS counselling: 2007

·              Private CBT: 2009

·              Private CBT: 2011-12

I was only 11-ish years old when I accessed the first batch of counselling in 1997, so I'll bypass that for fear of not recalling memories about it coherently.  However, out of the other four, I can confidently state that only the latter of the talking therapies listed above was 'successful' for me. 

We, too, sat in a massive hand

The University counselling, which consisted of just one session with the university's therapist, only came about because it took over ten months to see the NHS counsellor listed subsequently and I was simply getting impatient.  I contacted the NHS for an appointment in about September 2006 and didn't get to see the counsellor, after numerous cancelled appointments, until about July 2007, by which time I'd actually come through the worst of the current situation myself, simply by the gift of time.

So not only was the counselling ineffective for this reason, but also because the counsellor in question was not very sympathetic, to say the least.  I appreciate it's not sympathy you need in dealing with such circumstances, but it got to the point where he didn't appear to appreciate my situation or what I was going through.  I felt bitterly let down by this and consequently I haven't been back to NHS therapy since.

By 2009, I thought that the majority of my anxiety had dissipated (although now I know it hadn’t, but that's a separate story).  However, I still wanted to conquer my fear of eating out which had persisted for many years.  It was crippling my social life and I needed to sort it out quickly, so I sought out my own help via the Internet and found a local private CBT therapist. 

Sadly, successes here are also hard to tease out.  I saw her within two weeks of contacting, which of course was a huge improvement, but the therapist was more concerned with finding out why I had the eating problem rather than trying to deal with it.  I've since learnt that I wasn't really getting CBT, and I knew when we spent one session purely focusing on dolphin noises that I wasn't getting anywhere useful with this.  Despite it being a private therapist, I was also limited to a maximum of about eight sessions, which again I now know was nowhere near an adequate amount for me. 

My anxiety as a whole took an awful turn in March 2011 (see previous blogs) and so followed what was probably the lowest period I’ve ever had in my life – I needed help.  I knew going down the NHS therapist line wasn't going to help me and I was also more wary about the 'randomly selecting a private therapist' route.  I was in despair and spent ages searching for some sort of solace on the Internet, which as with most things these days became the fountain of all knowledge.

That's when I stumbled across Anxiety UK, a charity that offers private therapy sessions.  The therapists themselves may work for the NHS by day, but some take up private clients out of hours, as was the case with me.  At the time, I was struggling to even make it out of the house and there was no local therapist.  So I utilised their option of therapy via webcam.  Within two weeks of contacting Anxiety UK, I had my first appointment arranged... and that's considering some unfortunate admin issues without which would have meant it would have been even quicker! 

So I undertook webcam therapy with a CBT therapist from Scotland, whilst I live hundreds of miles away in the Midlands, and although there were one or two restrictions compared to more conventional talking therapies, it was great.  One thing my therapist did say is that "I can't put you into a totally anxious state, lest I can't adequately get you out again" whereby inducing an anxious state is, of course, aimed to help with progress.  There were also one or two technical problems too, as you'd expect.  But overall, it was a success.

Although of course, the biggest success wasn't whether it was via webcam or not; the biggest success was the therapist herself.  We struck up a great relationship which aided my recovery as much as my actual therapy did.  I had around 50 sessions in total, which goes to prove how much therapy I actually needed, but as you will gather from this, I was able to have as many sessions as I wanted.  We phased out the frequency of the sessions after about the 40th which meant it was a gradual close off rather than a sudden one, helping to minimise the likelihood of a relapse.  And most importantly, what I was getting was actual CBT, the actual treatment that I asked for, which made me realise that what I received before wasn't.

The therapy I received in 2011-12 has really helped to turn my life around.  When it first started, I couldn't see a way out of my lowest point, but with the hard work on top of the number of sessions I had, I'm now much more confident about facing my anxiety and, indeed, writing about it.  The only medication I’ve ever been on is beta-blockers; I’ve never been prescribed any anti-depressants, so as to suggest that one can gain real success from talking therapy without the need for heavy medication.

I grant you that I had to pay for this therapy, which of course I appreciate isn't always an option for everyone.  But if you are able to put some money aside to afford therapy, then I'd strongly urge you towards professional, knowledgeable and empathetic charities like Anxiety UK and Mind first, as they will guide you on the best course of action to take.  My experiences suggest that spending a little bit of time - perhaps more than you'd like if you're in an extremely low point - is well worth the effort in the longer run, in terms of getting the best help for you.

Best wishes

Al

Sharing Experiences III

Eating a burger doesn't necessarily seem like a challenging prospect, but that's the problem with anxiety - it's often the most trivial situations - ones that most people take for granted - that cause the biggest problems.  In fact most people don't take such things for granted because they won't ever need to... eating a burger would never be an issue. 

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As I've mentioned in previous blogs, eating out has always been a problem for me, and in summary the more 'pressure' I feel that there is on me, rational or not, the more difficult things turn out.  Two good examples of when eating out has been a nightmare include:

1) When I went for a series of meals out with one of my friends.  ONE being the operative word... Because there was nowhere to hide, it put more pressure on me and thus affected my eating.

2) A visit with a friend to a B&B in the Lake District.  This 3-night break was all but destroyed by the first breakfast.  The woman serving breakfast was very brash to say the least and after the third breakfast even made an observational comment about me not eating much.  The problem with B&Bs is that it feels like there is pressure to eat things, and the subsequent anxiety that I got from this ruined the rest of the holiday, as eating everywhere then caused problems.

I'll come onto the burger incident in a moment.  But what actually happens when I've eaten out - what sort of feelings do I experience?

Well, for a start, the anxious feelings can start days before the meal itself.  The thoughts about a meal could start months before if, for example, a Christmas meal has been organised in advance.  On the day of the meal, I basically feel very anxious, or 'close to a panic attack.' This, of course, makes you feel physically poor anyway and couple this with health anxiety and you have a concoction of... not wanting to eat much, or indeed, not being able to stomach much.  So when it came to the meal itself, my breathing was shallow (coupled with bad sinuses) and my stomach was churning, the LAST thing you feel like doing is eating.  Consequently, I've struggled through a fifth of the meal when the other person/people has/have finished, over-analysing every mouthful.  I get to a point when I can simply do no more and I give in, trying my best to hide what is left on my plate.

This sort of thing has happened numerous times, but one of the worst times was a night out I organised for my birthday in 2010.  Even though at the time I was struggling with eating out generally, I still decided to hold a big night out in Birmingham that started with... yes you guessed it, a meal at Nandos.  Usually, the bigger the crowd during a meal the better, because I can hide and people aren't focusing on me.  However, this was MY birthday, and what's more, it was a strange combination of friends who came for one reason or another - i.e. there were less 'safe' people there.

So, after weeks of dread and despair - yes, instead of excitement which of course it should be before a birthday do - the meal arrives and sure enough, I am panicking by the time the food arrives.  Everyone will have noticed, but the two things that stuck out in my mind was one person saying to my other friend (supposedly out of earshot) 'is he ok, he hasn't eaten anything,' and the person sitting next to me asking me why.  I think I said "I've been a bit ill recently" which, if classing anxiety as an illness, isn't far from the truth. 

But then it went from bad to worse.  The more people who noticed the worse I got, and then during about the fifth painfully slow chew on a piece of burger, I began to choke. It was so bad that I had to excuse myself to the toilet and phone my friend from there to come and assist me.  Unfortunately, rather than bring me water he brought me my half-glass of beer, which didn't really help...

Eventually, the choking dissipated, and in the end I actually used this incident as an excuse not to eat any more food!  Although in fairness, it wouldn't be easy for anyone if they too had choked.

But of course, the choking wouldn't have happened at all had I ate like a 'normal' person.  I remember my good friend saying that one of her friends who witnessed the incident asked whether I had some sort of eating disorder.  At first I always thought that's what it was, but of course I've since learnt it's all down to some bizarre anxiety that to this day still baffles me a bit.

I'm pleased to say I'm going through a better phase now, but I still don't look forward to eating out in certain situations.  Over the last year, the hardest meal was my birthday again, due to the fact that in my head, all eyes were on me and I couldn't 'escape.'

This incident in Birmingham frightened me.  Not just because I thought I might choke to death; not just because I thought my friends would think I was ill or strange, but also because I wondered where on earth I could go from here in future.

The message is this - anxiety can affect things that others just do without thinking, like eating.  The best - but most difficult - thing I think is to not let it get to you.  Accept that anxiety can do this and seek the appropriate help.  Make things as comfortable for yourself as possible in any situation; so when eating a meal out, I always order a separate glass of water, wear loose trousers, remember to breathe between bites, order the thing I prefer to eat the most and so on.  Every little helps.

And also get a friend ready who doesn't bring you half a beer to you when you're on the verge of asphyxiation.

Best wishes

Al