Are You Taking the Piss?

I suppose I have always known this, but being under confident as a child has dramatically affected my general mental health development; by that, I mean it has exacerbated my anxiety.  I've spent years, unnecessarily really, trying to work out whether anxiety has caused my low self-esteem and lack of confidence, or whether it's the other way round.  I'm still not certain, but I think it is the other way round, by and large.  I remember my first counselling stint was when I was in year 6 and I remember my whole primary school life was dominated by... other people, in that I was quite lonely and said very little compared to other more 'dominating' characters.

Music is one of things people take the piss out of me about

Don't get me wrong, I had friends - one of whom I'm still friends with now, 22 years on - but overall I was very under-confident and scared of anything challenging.  I cried a lot more than I should have and couldn't cope if my self-created (or indeed, parental-created) bubble got penetrated by something.  It carried on into high school and I only really started to gain any sort of confidence in 6th form, when I was 16.  Even then, I was lower on confidence in terms of public speaking and general interaction with people who weren't my friends.  Sufficient is it to say that I struggled whenever I was encountered by someone with more confidence than me - which is most people.

At Uni, I remember doing a presentation with someone who is the opposite to me.  He took over completely and I didn't have the confidence to make any suggestions.  I was, I don't exaggerate when I say this, frightened of interjecting or suggesting something alternative.  Unintentionally (or maybe not, after he realised I was like this) he was bullying me.  It wasn't his fault, but that's how low my confidence was.  Even if I had ideas, I wouldn't dare express them. 

This was the same throughout school.  If the teacher asked a question that I knew the answer to, I'd never volunteer the answer.  

Today, I'm obviously a lot more confident as a person, as you naturally become when you get older, but there are still certain situations where I struggle.  Usually, this is around males my sort of age, who gradually in this day and age are becoming more confident that they were, and so leaving people like me behind.

The problem was this - because I was not confident, I was an easy target for people to take the rise out of.  I often feel, due to increasing sensitivity as a result of all this, that everything I have done in my life has been done under scrutiny and if it is seen as 'abnormal' I get taken the piss out of.  Because I'm not a guy who goes to the gym, drinks beer every night or enjoys things like paintballing or skiing, I'm seen as abnormal.  People insist on making comments about this and, because my self-esteem has taken so many knocks over the years, it results in me not being able to adequately defend myself, resulting in the person who has taken the piss out of me, to do it again and again.

It's just little things really, people asking me 'why do you do that' rather than just accepting it.  I might think 'why do you do that' about people, but I don't say it to them and just accept that it's something they want to do and move on.  Apparently it's not a two-way street... I've always had people questioning my decisions, my personality and hobbies, which is fine to an extent, but it always has an accusing tone to it.  Couple with my lack of confidence and inability to respond and defend myself, the person feels they can do it again, and so it goes on. 
 
Needless to say, the more piss taken I have to endure, the lower my confidence is.

And all this piss taking and me being over sensitive and having a lack of confidence to respond results naturally in anxiety, especially when you've had to put up with it for years and years.  I am getting better at not caring about what other people think, but I do find it difficult.  I still find it difficult to defend myself when it comes to other people, again especially lads my sort of age, but as I said, I am getting a little better at rising above it.  

But if I've taken these remarks to heart for so many years, it's little wonder I have anxiety.  I am embarrassed of certain elements of my personality because you never know what I'm going to be scrutinised about next.  Needless to say this is an anxious experience, especially when you go through it for years, and I do wonder whether years of being wrapped in a protective bubble has resulted in these years of lack of self-esteem and consequently much of my anxiety.  It could indeed be the root cause, but this of course could also be unnecessary speculation.  

Best wishes
Al