Hi all,
The previous two blogs in this series have documented people who have
helped me who have at least a partial remit of helping other people with mental
health problems, either because they are paid to do so, or because they are
compassionate individuals wanting to share their thoughts and experiences (or
often both). However, for me, there have also been several people in my life
who have helped me unknowingly and this particularly applies to people I have
worked with over the years.
I am extremely lucky when it comes to how my career has progressed.
Okay so I have worked hard to gain this, but I have also been given numerous
breaks that have ultimately led me to work for a small not-for-profit
organisation focused on a subject I am incredibly passionate about and with a
brilliant team of people. It all started
in 2008 just after I graduated; I didn’t know what I was going to do with
myself at this stage, this in spite of 2008 being one of the less-terrible
years anxiety-wise between 1998 and 2012.
That, again, was fortunate in the sense I could actually consider
starting a job – several years either side of 2008 would have made starting a
job very hard due to anxiety. Year 2008
was a mini anxiety hiatus; yes, I still had many problems compared to today but
things were not as bad as most of my university
years that had just concluded.
I was alerted by a university lecturer to a graduate placement days
before it was advertised to the wider public.
The lecturer knew my interests and knew the placement would be of
interest – one example of so many that shows why enrolling to a ‘smaller’
university that get slated in the press and by government is often the
best way forward. Lecturers actually
know who you are for a start. Without
his intervention, I would never have seen this graduate opportunity, which led
me onto another work placement opportunity which turned into a full-time paid
job within four months, a job I ended up staying in for nearly five and a half
years. Then in January 2014 I got through
an interview to start my current job.
All of these jobs have been associated with the subject I am passionate
about, too, so I know how lucky I am.
This is especially true when you consider that I couldn’t undertake
part-time jobs during school summer holidays or university because I was so
anxious!
So I have been in work for almost exactly nine years (I started my
graduate scheme job on 16 June 2008, two days before my 21st
birthday!). And despite going through
some absolute nightmare times, in particular the aftermath of the 2011
railway meltdown which came about ironically to discuss the potential for
quitting work and doing a masters, work has been one positive constant
throughout the past nine years and remains the case today, arguably more so
than ever.
Both jobs prior to my most recent one were based in a local authority,
so sure, you had a lot of utter nonsense (political, corporate, administrative
crap, largely) to deal with. But I
enjoyed the day job and another bonus was only living a short bus ride away
from work (and in the latter couple of years within walking distance). This was important during the aforementioned
meltdown as leaving the house was hard enough; had I been required to travel
miles it would have been impossible.
But what has been the main success of work? My colleagues. Not so much during the graduate scheme where
no-one really spoke to me, but once I started at the council in September 2008
I was lucky enough to work with a mixed group of people, with ‘mixed’ meaning
some not so good colleagues but some ace ones.
I left the council in January 2014 and yet there are still several
people I keep in touch with on a semi-regular basis.
These people kept me going in 2011-12 when I was in hell. A combination
of their humour, warmness and office banter, along with the distraction that a
largely enjoyable job brought, meant that the office was the one place where I
could be less anxious than everywhere else.
It is the opposite for a lot of people I appreciate, but that’s the way
it was. More difficult times came in
2012-13 when I moved out of the family home for the first (and
second) time; but even then, the short but severe bouts of depression did
not occur when I was at work because of the nature of the people there keeping
me going.
But none of them really realised what I was going through, that was,
until not long after the 2011 incident.
I nearly collapsed in the office so I had no choice but to open up to my
boss and boss’s boss about what was going on.
I didn’t particularly like either of them, but to their credit they were
understanding and kind which, again, I know is not necessarily normal. Despite not being ‘my sort of people,’ I will
never forget their response to what I told them, which was very positive.
Beyond this, the several other colleagues I became close with never
really knew what I experienced, that was until the very last day at the
council, 17 January 2014, when I opened up in my leaving speech. Again, this was very well received and I have
since had discussions with a few people about my experiences with anxiety and
indeed this very blog site.
After negotiating the interview for my current job, I settled in
quickly and it didn’t take me long to realise that I was working with a
fabulous team of people and had a boss who was both knowledgeable and very good
at what she does, but also an excellent man-manager. In my limited experience,
it is rare to find someone with both characteristics (it’s more common to have
neither!!). She has been my manager for
the whole three and a half years that I have been here. The other member of the
team who started just after me (yes, there are only three of us) was a star too
and I was fearful when she left about nine months ago. However, her replacement
is another fantastic colleague to work with – so again, I have been lucky. There is an element of working for a small
environmental not-for-profit that attracts such personalities, I guess, but
even still there are far from any guarantees! Even the temporary interns we’ve
had have been good people (largely).
I look forward to going to work, yes because I enjoy the work and the
influence it has, but more so because of the people I work with. It is comfortable, enjoyable and the
atmosphere is light and positive. I have walked into several (usually, large open-plan)
offices since starting with this company and come out feeling like the life has
been sucked out of me. So again, I recognise how fortunate I am.
It begs the question why I have never truly opened up about my mental
health issues in my current job. I only
did it in my last job when I had no other choice (collapsing on the floor
apparently is enough to force your hand…) and I trust my current colleagues
more than ever. They are open-minded,
non-judgemental people and would do nothing but provide support if I told them;
I very much doubt they would react negatively. So why not? Is there still an
underlying stigma there that always sows those seeds of doubt… ‘what if this
happens, what if that?’ I think there is always an element of not wanting to
burden other people, too, when I’m conscious that work is busy enough as it is
and they all have their own stuff going on in their personal lives. I don’t
want to add another spanner in the works.
Either way, though, it is further evidence that speaking totally openly
about mental health problems still feels a little alien, despite my general
openness with friends and through this blog, when really there is no reason why
it shouldn’t.
This is what I meant earlier about people that have helped me without
them realising it. My ace colleagues and
fortunate work situation means that going to work is an enjoyable experience
and has actually helped my recovery from crippling anxiety over the years. Today, it keeps my mind off other
challenges. My colleagues, though,
have no idea what impact they are having on my personal life. One day I must properly open up and thank them.
The reality is that work, for me, has been the only constant over the
past nine years amongst a myriad of noise, change and chaos caused either by
anxiety, its legacy or by life itself.
Without it, I do not dare to think what direction I would have taken.
Finally, I refer you to the start of the third paragraph of this blog,
the day the lecturer at my university told me about the graduate
placement. That placement led me on to
my two jobs subsequently, without which I dread to think how things would have
panned out. Without his intervention, I
would never have seen the graduate placement advertised. He has since retired and I will forever owe
him a debt of gratitude and, most importantly of all, one huge thank you.
- To the lecturer who made my career, thank you.
- To the council and current employers for giving me my break, thank you.
- To all of the colleagues who kept me going during very hard times for just being yourselves, thank you.
- To my current wonderful team of colleagues who are just brilliant, thank you.
Best wishes,
Al
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