Well it's been nearly a year since I moved into my 'new' house. I can say with confidence that this was one of the best decisions I have made in my life, despite the fact that my job is currently under threat (who's isn't?) I do not regret it one bit. The current negative is that it has been a fairly difficult week for me, mostly due to the aforementioned job - trying to bring business into the organisation is not something I find very easy and it's something I'm having to do more and more of at the moment. Lots of meetings, lots of train travel, lots of taking my bike on the train.
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| Insert generic, stigma-heightening work place anxiety image here |
I had a very awkward moment on the train on Thursday this week where my breathing went to pot and memories of my meltdown over five years ago kicked in. Thankfully I managed to contain myself. In fact, cycling when I got off the train from that journey seemed to help, as it released the anxiety adrenaline from inside me into some genuine adrenaline and physical breathlessness - rather than just mental breathlessness.
I did, however, spend two hours in a meeting on arrival with five of those sort of blokes who think they are important whether they are or not. I had to informally present about our organisation, which is normally fine for me these days but I don't normally do it after having a near-panic attack on the train and then having cycled forty minutes to the venue. So that wasn't easy either. But crucially, I got through it. My CBT techniques definitely helped - as daft as it sounds, but rationalising things like 'I am allowed to duck out of the meeting for five minutes if I need to' or 'I can ask for water if I need some' etc often helps. I think generally we spend too much time thinking people will judge us if we do things like this, and this is especially heightened if you have anxiety, but frankly, a) they probably aren't judging us anyway and will just be fine with it, and b) if they aren't fine with it, they probably aren't the sort of people you want to work with or be in a room with anyway.
My anxiety had improved once I was back at the station, albeit I was still on alert. I contemplated speaking to my boss when I got back to the office to explain that I was feeling like this, but I did not. Moreover, I have never told her about my anxiety condition more generally. Okay, so it's less relevant these days, but why not tell her anyway? Why not be open? Hell, I write this blog, I speak to my friends about it, I splurdge on Twitter. So why not just talk openly about it with my boss and colleagues?
This is an even more a puzzling question when you consider that I really get on with my colleagues. They are like friends to me, as much as work colleagues, which I know is a very unusual thing and something I try not to take for granted. Just to set the scene - there are only three of us! We're only little. So why not be open about my mental health?
Is it stigma? Possibly. I don't fear the reaction of my colleagues at all, but perhaps I stupidly do fear that they may treat me differently, or think that I am unable to cope in certain situations. This is my problem, not theirs, as there is no evidence to suggest they would think that. It's almost reverse stigma; I'm the one holding the stigma about my perceived reactions to my own condition!
I think as well, though, something I have always done since working is try and keep my personal life separate from my work life. One of my two colleagues, for example, tells us about her personal issues which is fine, but that's just not something I would do. I class my anxious past as a personal issue, rightly or wrongly. But apart from generic things like what I did at the weekend (which I still get embarrassed about, because what I do is not 'interesting' compared to what I think other people will perceive as 'interesting' - reverse stigma again!) I don't tend to talk about my personal life, such as relationships (or lack of), my family's disabilities, or anxiety. In fact, I think this thing about appearing 'uninteresting' is the main reason why I don't talk about such things - in that, I can't imagine for one minute why anyone would find my life interesting. So perhaps that is more the reason why I don't talk to my colleagues about my experiences with anxiety, then - although I think it's a bit of both this and that reverse stigma bollocks I've just made up.
I only told my boss at my old workplace about my anxiety condition when I as good as collapsed on the floor because of it one time - so my hand was forced somewhat. Apart from on my last day, where in my leaving speech I made reference to it. It wasn't planned, so go figure why I did that.
Ultimately, though, everyone should feel that they can talk to their boss and colleagues about their mental health conditions freely and openly, without fear of ridicule, bullying or judgement. From what I have read from many people with experiences of mental health conditions, this is not always the case, and from what I gather people have even been forced out of their jobs because of the lack of support they have received via their workplace, or even, their workplace exacerbating their problems after telling colleagues about them. This is not acceptable. It's good to see the charities doing their best to raise awareness of course.
So all in all, with a lack of job security somehow making my job busier and more stressful, the combination of both factors makes this next few months probably the hardest I have been through, work-wise. During my terrible times, work was one of the few fairly positive constants - whereas now it could be the cause of future troubles.
Not helped by the fact that summer is not my favourite time of year. I feel more lonely in the summer. I think this is because you see people and couples outside in the park enjoying themselves in the warm sunny weather* and it's in your face all the time. I also hate the heat. So combine the two and you get what I call inverse Seasonal Affective Disorder, a condition normally experienced by those who are negatively affected by winter. If anything, I'm the opposite.
Oh yes, and my latest on trying to find a partner. I'm still online. I've had another date. Went okay but no further contact was made. Still trying...
Over and out and time for another new week to begin. Positive thoughts...
Best wishes
Al
*It's currently raining.
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