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| Another fairly accurate depiction... |
Health anxiety, by my definition, is thinking that a pain or physical discomfort of any sort that I have is going to turn into something life threatening. So for example, in the past I have had many issues with a fast heart rate or a chest pain and being convinced a heart attack is imminent. Of course, thinking like this makes you feel anxious and therefore increases your heart rate and the likelihood of chest pains.... I figure you get my point and the vicious spiral such a condition can turn into. And it can be with any pain - I've even been known to associate random pains with conditions where a link between the two is nonsensical. It's like there is an incorrect wiring in my brain that automatically makes me do this and, although I have better tools to manage it since undergoing CBT, it's still something I have to live with.
However, whilst being a pain in the backside - no doubt, a life threatening one - this isn't the selfish part of the problem. This comes in when I hear about other people being ill. When someone starts talking about illness generally, I often get strong feelings that I am going to become ill with that same illness. I pick up on the most minor ailments that I've ever had and concoct a complex tale that said ailment is going to become the illness that is being talked about. I've also been known to feel faint when an illness is being talked about, particularly if it's a tale from start to finish, e.g. if someone was talking about someone else who had recently had a heart attack and the associated symptoms, I would often have to leave the conversation due to feeling faint or, at best, uneasy.
Moreover, there are potential longer-term implications for something like this. If the story teller, for example, was to describe how the person with the problem felt, I would latch onto this and add it to my portfolio of symptoms that I can then blow out of all proportion.
Other than seeming rude and exiting a conversation mid flow, this doesn't result in any great selfishness either. However, the above scenario is the same if someone falls ill when I'm with them. A good example is when a friend from my old place of work fell ill during a Christmas meal one time. He suddenly stopped responding to people and almost zoned out - it was very strange and sudden, and an ambulance was called fairly swiftly. Witnessing this gradually resulted in me becoming hotter and hotter and spots started appearing in my eyes, so much so that I had no choice but to take myself off to the toilet cubicle and sit there for what could have been anything from five to fifty minutes. I had to sit with my head down so that I didn't collapse and as such, I couldn't help out with the situation that was unfolding in the pub, or even express my concern whilst sitting there helplessly.
So, although I'm sure people probably didn't notice, I felt selfish for having to put my own needs first. What didn't help is that the person who fell ill in this case is one of those people who would do anything for anyone and as such the fact that I couldn't even be there to help when he needed it most made me feel terrible. The reality is, though, that I know I did the best thing leaving the scene. Had I stayed, the rest of the group would have had two sick people to deal with, so I had no choice; my selfishness was, at least, enforced.
Now, me leaving didn't have much impact on this situation. My main concern is if something happens to someone, whether I know them or not, and I happen to be the only person who can help them, for whatever reason. Perhaps I could be trapped in a lift with someone and they start having a panic attack, thus inducing one in me? Sounds stupid, but why not? The last thing I want is for my weird health anxiety condition - if that's what this is - to prevent me to from helping someone when they most need it.
I also have this thing around other people who are ill - not as seriously as the example above, but say if someone has a cold, I suddenly want to wrap myself up in a bubble and get away from them. I express discomfort around people if they have some sort of illness or, as daft as it sounds, even if someone sneezes I can feel uncomfortable. I think this is more of an OCD thing than a health anxiety thing, but it still relevant and similar in many ways. If someone sneezes, I'm automatically guaranteed a cold, if you believe my mind. It's the same catastrophic, negative thinking that I can't escape from to do with health. As a result of this, another selfish element comes in - if someone is sick and they want to talk to me about it, I just want to avoid them for fear of catching it from them. Thus appearing like I don't care. Either that, or I come to them armed with Carex hand gel.
The summary - I over-analyse health and I catastrophise over what could happen to me. I feel selfish when I have to take myself away from 'unhealthy' situations. I just wish I could re-wire my brain so that I didn't get this ridiculous negative thought in the first place.
But then again, if I could do that, I probably wouldn't have anxiety.
Best wishes
Al
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