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| MHAW 2014 |
The reason for this blog, perhaps unsurprisingly, is because the severe incident of March 2011 happened on a train. It was a bizarre situation in many ways; I'd been visiting Cornwall overnight, but on the train down and during my visit there, I was okay. I didn't have any major anxiety, other than struggling to eat which at the time was my main problem anyway, so that came as no surprise.
And I think one of the main reasons the panic attack I had on the train back was because it came as a surprise. It was so out of the blue that I didn't have time to react, and of course back in those days I didn't have the CBT techniques to help me out or the beta blockers to keep a lid on things. In hindsight, it was actually not too surprising, because I know now that at the time I did have quite a few issues, to say the least. But anyway, that's beside the point.
The incident did occur on a train and it was the worst few hours of my life. I remember dropping my phone onto the floor just before I stepped off the train just before my first of four changes and not noticing, and someone picking it up for me. I must have been partially crying because they asked me if I was okay. I think I said thanks and turned away. I also tried to seek the help of a platform assistant at this first stop, one of whom was useless but one who made the effort to try and talk to me and calm me down. He went away and then I asked for him again, so he could warn the train manager at my next connection to keep an eye on me - this is how serious I deemed it to be. I remember thinking when I was sitting at the station 'I've never been hospitalised for anxiety before, but this could be the first time.'
Anyway, I asked for him again but he'd finished his shift, so just as I managed to find someone who seemed to understand, he'd gone and I had to stagger, quite literally, to the correct platform. I couldn't stand up for long so this was difficult in itself. The rest of the journey didn't get much better. The two images I have in my mind was 1) sitting next to quite an attractive girl on one of the journeys and wondering what on earth she must have been thinking of the gibbering wreck and 2) at the last station I had to change at, sitting on the platform floor shivering, made worse by the fact that the train was delayed.
It's difficult to emphasise how bad this few hours was, although I'm sensing you're beginning to get it.
As I mentioned, it took months to make even leaving the house remotely comfortable. But catching a train took far longer than that to become easier again. The first time I caught a train after that was a few months later and it was very hard. I hadn't had much therapy at this point so again I didn't have the full suite of techniques at my disposal, let alone had time to digest them. So I spent the whole journey there and back very anxious, only saved by the fact that it was quite a short journey and so was over before it could get very bad. I did, however, cancel a trip up north at this time because I just couldn't face it.
Through therapy - and this is another technique I could have mentioned in blog 2 - I learnt that, again unsurprisingly, the best way to make catching the train easier... was to catch the train. I didn't have any train journeys scheduled around this time, so I had to spend money on going somewhere that was a reasonable distance, but not so far that it was too dangerous to consider. And what did I go for? To come back again. I took a one hour train journey - this must have been around four or five months after the March event - to a main station... waited about half an hour, and then took the trip back again. Knowing I didn't have the pressure of having to do something or meet someone when I got to my destination may have helped too. I then did it again about a month later and went a slightly longer distance.
Again, financially this was nonsense given that I was spending train fare on a journey to nowhere effectively, but actually it was an extremely useful exercise. I was able to test out my other techniques like those mentioned in blog 2 and both journeys, albeit with nerves, were difficult but went fairly well.
The first proper journey after this was slightly harder, again exacerbated perhaps by me actually going for a purpose (work), which of course put pressure on me when I arrived at the destination - I had to do something! But the two aforementioned journeys gave me some practice that I much needed. Had I gone straight in at the deep end and taken a journey - after so long - that actually meant something, I could have set myself up for a fall.
The message here is twofold: 1) practice makes perfect, or more accurately, practice makes things that bit easier later. It would be the same is someone's worst incident of their life occurred in a pub. Go into a pub briefly at first, then more regularly. The most difficult thing would be to go into the SAME pub again - and I have to say I have yet, even to this day, gone on the same train journey as the March 2011 one, or even one as long as that to somewhere else.
2) There's something obvious here that says 'just because an irrational panic attack happened in this situation, the only reason it would happen in the same situation again is because your mind makes it happen.' True, but trying to control this is not easy. Therapists and probably even friends will say 'don't associate the two events,' but trust me, this is not easy. And that's why I would advocate practicing a similar situation first, if possible.
Apologies for the delay to this blog. This is due to my inability to access a computer last night, rendering the post impossible.
I suppose the fact that I delayed this blog is fitting, given the topic.
Later today: Exercise
Best wishes
Al
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