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| Santa isn't as I imagined him... her |
The vast majority of my annual leave is taken either side of Christmas so that I can enjoy these days without having to worry about work. I have moved back to my parents for the duration too, as family are of course important at this time of year, even if they do drive you to distraction.
So far, I've been to different pubs with different friends on different evenings, been clubbing as part of the work Christmas do, been for a walk with a friend, a coffee and just generally caught up with 'my people.'
But there are also two real challenges for me at this time of year amongst all of the joviality, both of which tend to intensify as the holiday goes on.
The first is the battle of depression. Now, as I've specified on this blog before, I don't suffer from depression and cannot claim to imagine what people who have chronic depression must go through. In fact, I risk insulting people who have depression here by calling what I experience 'depression,' when in reality it only scratches the surface of what a chronic depression sufferer experiences. However, there have been times when I get depressed (such as when I first moved into my shared house) but [touches wood] this has only ever lasted for a short time. For the sake of this discussion, I shall call it 'feeling low' rather than depression henceforth.
Staving off feeling low is difficult. This is a time when you actively see young couples - my age, and moreover, people I know - flourishing. The world of social media doesn't help with this, as people these days post pictures of their happy lives and all the gifts they have received from their loved one. But it's everywhere; nowadays, I have to consider what my friends are doing with their partners to fit them into my social schedule. Then, of course, you hear all about 'them' as a couple when you meet with them. Christmas brings this out even more than normal.
Whilst it is difficult for me to attribute any 'blame' for not being in a relationship (and indeed there is difficulty around the whole concept of 'blaming' anxiety for anything), I am in no doubt that my experiences with anxiety and the effects it has had on, for example, self-esteem has, at the very least, contributed to my lack of success in a relationship. And now I'm at an age where I'd love to be in a committed relationship, I get very low when I start, as is human nature, comparing myself with others who have got a strong, happy relationship. I am extremely negative when it comes to relationships and my future prospects, which I appreciate is something I need to work on, but the Christmas period really doesn't help with this and the more exposure I have to people - especially friends - being in happy relationships, the harder it is to fight off that sense of 'lowness.'
Another factor to add into this is my family. As I may have mentioned before, I have a tiny family (in terms of numbers not height). Most of the people I know have a least one or two days seeing the rest of the family; grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, brothers and sisters. I have none of this whatsoever. My only other family bar my parents live 65 and 75 miles away respectively, and this only resembles five individuals. I sometimes wish I had a larger family, because despite all of the annoyances that they can cause, it would at least offer some more social buzz, and I do get a bit low when I hear of what my friends get up to at 'family Christmas gatherings.' The only positive to not having a larger family is that I don't get people asking me 'why am I not in a relationship?', or least making the insinuation. Not to my face, anyway.
I also think my life could have been a lot richer and potentially more anxiety-free if I'd had a bigger family around me all my life, even if it was just a brother or sister. This is pure and (frankly) pointless speculation of course, but I do ponder on this sometimes.
The second difficulty with Christmas is a direct anxiety related one. One thing I can't cope with is too much time with not enough mind occupation. Work occupies my mind sufficiently for most of the year and consequently, the nasty thoughts that can clog up my mind when it's less occupied don't appear to often. Having an occupied mind can also stave away things like health anxiety; pains and discomforts that occur when I'm at work tend to go quicker as I have been focusing my mind more and there's almost no room in the box of thoughts left for rubbish. This hasn't always been the case in the past, but CBT has helped me focus on my life rather than the aforementioned rubbish.
However, when I'm off work for over two weeks, my mind is emptier. For example, I spent Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day in almost sole company of my parents, doing very little. A trip to town on Christmas Eve and a walk on Boxing day morning totalled my time out of the house in these three days totalled about four hours out of over 72 in total. This does allow for some much needed relaxation, and I also make sure I plan my time even when I'm in the house and/or on my own. But the activities I undertake do not occupy my mind half as much as when I am at work for 40 hours each week, thus allowing other thoughts and the aforementioned 'bad thought intensification' to filter through.
This mind space can also intensify the first point around feeling low; I have more time to dwell on this as I have less to focus on. The social events make up for this to an extent, but even a day without any such activity can really have a negative impact on me. All of this, of course, heightens anxiety and the outputs of it, in terms of panic and stress.
And of course, being in a relationship would allow for less 'emptier' times in the first place, so both of these negatives go hand in hand.
So Christmas is a time when I really need to work hard to get a balance between being able to enjoy and appreciate the temporary richer social life and relaxation from work, but to not let this be spoilt by filling up my mind with anxiety-inducing thoughts. The next few days, up to New Year's Day, could be quite hard, as I will be unoccupied for most of it. But fortunately the last few days of the holiday, up until when I return to work on the 6th January, are comparatively full from a social perspective, so hopefully this will allow me to clear my mind from these negative thoughts as well as preventing new ones from infiltrating.
And then two weeks later, I start my new job...
I hope you all had a brilliant Christmas and here's to a fantastic 2014.
Best wishes
Al
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