As the last blog suggested.
 |
| Graph of how the last 11 days have panned out |
As it also suggested, I was very low when I wrote that blog. The potential for the housemates to be great people didn't seem to matter, the independence likewise. All the hard work I put in to manage my anxiety went flying into space and the depression came crashing down like a meteor. Think of the move as like an earthquake; a disruption to what was a relatively stable tectonic plate (or in this case, stable time of my life) and a sudden shift, causing an initial crash and then several slightly less severe aftershocks, but occurring frequently.
I was in a situation where I felt I just needed time out. I have spent pretty much all of my life, at best, on edge, at worst in an excruciating panic, but for the last 7-8 months (since I moved out of my previous house share) I was RELAXED. OK, so not totally RELAXED; I can never claim to be that. But comparative to the rest of my life, I was RELAXED. Bored, at times, and frustrated but RELAXED. It only dawned on me after I moved again how much I missed that and how important it really was to actually feel RELAXED. RELAXED is in capitals by the way to emphasise that this is not a sensation I'm used to.
So why on earth would I do anything to disrupt this? Well of course, at the time, I didn't realise how much I valued being RELAXED, so it wasn't until I wasn't RELAXED again that I realised how much I was enjoying it. Tedium at times possibly, but I was... you know the next bit.
For the first few days of living here, I craved this to a point of depression. The first few days were very hard, as the last blog will no doubt have depicted. So what now?
Ten days on is a difficult time to judge. It's far too early to make any significant judgements, but at the same time it's beginning to become the reality. It's also true that the longer I stay here not RELAXED, the longer it would be for me to recover and go back to being RELAXED again. But of course the last thing I want to do is make any rash decisions.
However, I am pleased to report that ten days on, things have markedly improved, which the rational amongst you will have predicted anyway. I'm certainly not RELAXED, but that horrible depression has gone and the anxiety has certainly alleviated from a week or so ago. To put it bluntly, forcing myself to stick with it has helped. My parents have been away this week, so 'home' offered no real help or form of escape, other than the RELAXED surroundings. My folks being away, although you could argue they chose the worst possible week, was probably, in fact, the best possible week. I'm been made to stick at it, as the carrot of temptation wasn't dangling there 4 miles away.
Combining this forcefulness with a mixture of familiar things has also helped. Ensuring I look after myself by eating properly (something which has also become easier as I become more confident with people that I am crap at cooking and not caring about it), and doing all of the ablutions I did when I was elsewhere. By keeping in touch with familiar people, and my mate who lives with me being here all the time since I moved in has also helped.
The best thing - the people I'm living with seem great. The three plus months of house searching appears to have been worth it.
The big question now is - what happens next? A period of stability hopefully, before maybe kicking on into more ambitious territory, like actual genuine enjoyment and fulfilment. OK, let's not get carried away. One step at a time is hugely important.
The main objective - to become as RELAXED here as I was at home, with the added benefit for having more social activity and interaction a good aim to work to.
How this weaves around anxiety is the key, and of course no doubt I will blog about this on here. But for now, lessons to take away:
- Stick with it; short term pain and all that.
- Don't be afraid of being yourself in front of other people. That might not be the deepest personal stuff, but just general day to day things.
- Try and embrace the new, but keep hold of the 'old' just as tightly, and remember it is there if required.
- People - they are the best medicine.
I'm no expert of course, this is merely me scribbling things down as I think of them, in terms of what has helped me so far. Bigger challenges may be to come, greater tests... let's see what gets thrown my way.
At this point, I'd like to thank anyone who has helped me these past 10 days. You know who you are.
Best wishes
Al
No comments:
Post a Comment